Sometimes you've got to learn the hard way. In life and in love, some lessons won't get through until you really go through it. Believe me, I know. Some may call it "hard headed" or deem me a hopeless romantic, but after all the pain and frustration of divorce and trying to get back on the dating scene, I've learned more about myself than from any man out here. Mainly I've learned more about my own set of deal breakers and how to spot the truth-telling red flags. Now I'm trying to lean into the lessons and up my f*ckboy repellant.
For Jill Scott, she is coming to terms with the lessons she's learned after a tumultuous marriage and subsequent divorce battle. Even though this was her second try at marriage, based on her most recent post on Instagram, she is still open to finding true love. But this time around, she will NOT be used.
The singer reposted a meme detailing a list of things all ladies (and gents, I see you) should look out for when playing your cards in the dating game. Let's talk about it:
Believe Patterns Not Apologies
I'm typically a forgiving person by nature, and over the years I've learned that the manipulators can read it all over my face. In the dating world, when you're getting to know someone, all you really have to go by are their words and actions. So if he's on his fifth "I'm sorry I didn't call you like I said I would", it might be time to let that one go. Like Maya Angelou says, "When someone SHOWS you who they are, believe them." Check for the patterns and act accordingly.
Don't Fall in Love With Potential
Whew chile, this is a whole word all by itself. We fall in love with potential so often that we don't even realize it. He has the potential to be ready for a committed relationship if he would just give up the other women he's checking for. He has the potential to do great things with his life if he would just do x, y and z. Listen sis, we all have potential but potential doesn't always materialize. It's one thing to cut a dude some slack while he's grinding towards a better future, but hoping someone will change just for you is a whole waste of time.
Believe All "Red Flags"
We can recognize the red flags all day, but what are we doing with this information outside of complaining about them? They say that in the first few months of dating, everyone is on their best behavior. I've come to believe that regardless of this, people start to show their hand pretty quickly if we use our ability to tap into every woman's superpower: intuition. If something doesn't feel right or seems a little "off", recognize that feeling and do a little research if you have to. Take note of the red flags, because there's nothing wrong with combining your intuition with a little investigative skills.
Know Your Worth
If you've spent any time on this site, then you'll know that understanding your own worth and value is the ultimate currency.
When we don't know how truly valuable we are, we might fall victim to folks that will try to take advantage of our own devalued self-image. We have to do the work, write the intentions, and love the reflection in the mirror more than anyone else. So if no one told you today, you are beautiful, you are fabulous, and you deserve all of your hearts desires in this lifetime. Don't settle for less!
Don't Lower Your Standards
It's okay to have standards, contrary to the opinions of the generic f*ckboys out here. We need to be aware of our own personal standards, make a list, and refuse to waver. Jill hopped in her own comment section to give us the perfect spin on what her standards are and why everyone's list will be different. She says:
Instagram / @missjillscott
"Note – Your standards are not everyone else's. I won't do Uncle Daddies – the ones that call every now and then; who see their children a few times a year. THAT is one I just don't respect. Lack of respect is a dry bobby. I prefer a juicy existence. Ya dig? Or someone who is disrespectful to their parents. Nor can I do broke/broken yet comfortable. Nah. Write YOUR list. Sometimes it's better to know what you don't want."
With this list, we can do a better job of taking stock of the men in our lives and hopefully avoid a lot of heartache. Do you have your own list of non-negotiables? What would you add to this list?
Featured image by Shelly Wall / Shutterstock.com
RELATED
As we transition from summer to fall, there’s no need to spend too many coins curating a brand new seasonal wardrobe, especially in this economy. Instead of shopping targeted ads, we interviewed fashion-forward influencers to spark our imagination and gather insight on what they’re already wearing leading into the upcoming season. Keep scrolling to get the scoop on essential items these fashion-forward women are looking forward to wearing this fall.
Helecia Williams, Houston
Comfort
Helecia’s style in three words: “Structured, bold, and explorative.”
Helecia’s outfit inspiration: “I am most interested in comfort as a trend. I am truly enjoying the mix of flats with elevated outfits and the incorporation of street-style elements into the looks. I have seen so much juxtaposition that makes the outfits interesting and intriguing. I love the pairing of fitted caps with [suits] and ballet flats. That mashup is impeccable, and we saw some of that peeking through last fall, and now it's taken on a life of its own.
"As a sneaker lover and comfort sneakers, bringing back flats is just a reimagination of past trends with a fresh twist.”
What color(s) is on Helecia’s fall mood board: “Hands down, red! It's such a bold and bossy color. Now, we see it becoming much more accessible in fashion and realize how easy it is to style and incorporate into a look for that extra pop. It also pairs well with so many other shades and tones. Some of my favorite combos are red and burgundy, red and yellow, and red and brown. Even if you aren't fully convinced that it's the color of the season and still have reservations about it, you can go classic and incorporate it in an accessory or makeup like a red lip.”
Are you bringing anything back from your 2023 fall wardrobe? “I will be returning and recycling all of my 2023 fall wardrobe and just styling it differently or giving it new life. Despite my love for trends, I've curated a wardrobe that I love so I will mix the old in with the new. And not to toot my own horn but a lot of my fashion moments are ahead of the times and still very relevant for this upcoming fall. Expect to see tons of texture, juxtaposition, unexpected color combos, and street style.”
How Helecia is accessorizing this season: “I hate to admit it, but the one trend that has me in a chokehold this fall is bold jewelry, particularly in gold. I've realized that accessories can do wonders, and the Schiaparelli era has me shook. I am a ‘Stan’ of Shop Khoi, a Black-owned jewelry brand that creates some of the most amazing, high-quality fashion jewelry. It just sets off any outfit no matter how simple it may be and easily becomes a conversation piece.”
Courtney Blackwell, New York City
Courtney’s style in three words: “Vintage, oversize, and sexy.”
Courtney’s most anticipated fall fashion items: “The fashion item I am anticipating wearing is vintage leather in all colors!”
Courtney's color picks for fall: “Cherry reds, forest greens, and different shades of gray.”
The trend that has Courtney in a chokehold this season: “Skirts! I’ve never been a skirt girly, well mini skirts girly, but I think I’m going to step it up with the minis this fall.”
Shaniqua Jordan, New York City
Timeless
Shaniqua’s personal styling tip for fall: “I hate to admit it, but the one trend that has me in a chokehold this fall is any oversized outerwear piece, especially oversized blazers. And as basic as it may sound, I can't get enough of them. They instantly elevate any look, and they're so versatile, whether I'm going for a polished vibe or something more casual. Plus, they are perfect for layering as the weather cools down.
"I know most people wouldn't typically opt for suede, but if you've been following my style, you know I'm all about my outerwear. I love adding texture to my looks, even if it's subtle, and a good suede jacket does that for me. The soft texture and rich hues of suede add that cherry on top for any fall look. Whether I'm rocking a bomber style in a jewel tone or a tailored trench in a neutral shade, a suede jacket is one piece I'm looking forward to wearing to elevate my fall wardrobe.”
These colors are all over Shaniqua’s fall mood board: “The colors on my fall mood board are rich earth tones like deep browns and olive greens paired with classic neutrals like camel and cream. I'd like to throw in a pop of butter yellow. I know it might seem more spring-like, but I love how it pairs with deep browns, oxblood, and even grays. It's the perfect way to brighten up those cozy, moody fall vibes. I'm also loving pops of bold jewel tones like emerald and burgundy to add a bit of luxe to the season. These shades give that cozy yet elevated feel I'm always aiming for in my fall wardrobe.”
Shaniqua describes her fall wardrobe in three words: “If I describe my fall wardrobe in three words, they would be chic, layered, and timeless. I love combining unique pieces with a classic touch, creating looks that stand out without trying too hard. It's all about finding that perfect balance between staying true to timeless fashion and adding my own signature flair.”
Are you bringing anything back from your 2023 fall wardrobe? "I am definitely an outfit repeater, so not only will I bring back pieces from my 2023 fall wardrobe, but I also have so many oldies but goodies that I’ll be incorporating into my fall 2024 looks. I think that's what really helps convey my personal style; buying pieces I genuinely love and being able to work them into my style season after season. It's all about longevity and staying true to what I love."
Alasia Allen, Los Angeles
Provocative
Alasia describes her style in three words: “Opulent, sleek, provocative.”
The fashion item Alasia anticipates wearing the most this fall: “I’m really into gloves this season. Whether it’s biker style or long, sleek, leather gloves, they add an interesting take to a fall look.”
The fall colors catching Alasia’s eye: “I’m loving navy or a super deep purple this season so I’ll be adding those into my wardrobe. They’re both so sophisticated and a good alternative to black.”
The fall staple Alaisa plans to bring back from her 2023 wardrobe: “Every year, I wear a shearling coat. It’s timeless, it’s warm, it’s my thing. There’s something very elevating about shearlings that have drawn to me year after year, and that’s what makes them my favorite style of outwear.”
The accessory that has Alasia in a chokehold this season: “Boots. I love a good boot as my go-to accessory for the fall/winter season. My favorites are boots that have a little flair to them and an interesting shape.”
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