Dear Queen:
Heartbreak paralyzes us at our core.
The initial moments don't last long but the healing process seems to hurt worse than anything in the world. Sometimes it even feels like it lasts forever. I didn't think I could heal after giving her everything and watching her throw it all away for nothing. Her actions quickly made me think that she was just an example of what all women were like and I proceeded to develop a fear of love as a result of her act of hatred.
The irony.
But, somewhere along the way of turning my back to Cupid, I realized that my fear of love has given so much power to hatred. I began to realize how my past was crippling my present and future, holding me back the "forever" that could be around the corner. Healing is relevant and can happen on your own terms but at some point, we should all grow past our pain and learn to love again.
Ultimate growth happens when we stop and realize that love is a relative and necessary application to our lives. It's not about trying to make love a little sweeter or a little softer. It's about being able to truly embrace its taste.
Love is an acquired taste.
Its sweetness can sometimes be the perfect balance to the sour moments in your life, but then that same sweetness can be abrasive at other times. Like lemonade with too much sugar in it. It can also carry an unimaginable amount of heat that can be just the perfect temperature for those cold nights. However, that same heat can suffocate you in the middle of the summer.
You get it.
It's interesting how cultural expectancies and norms take tolls on our lives. There are so many things that we suffocate because we expect a "norm" to exist and love is certainly one of those realms. We're bombarded with the 'happy-ending' love stories in films and literature, and then take all of these norms and spend our little lives chasing this fairytale ending without paying attention to the hell that led up to it.
Then we falter, fold, and wave the white flag. We delete Cupid's number and block him on all social sites then build walls around our hearts like a Mary J. Blige album.
Love isn't "for us" anymore.
Even I've stared into the dark tunnel of love with anger. But, after a few lonely storms outside of that tunnel, I realized the anger was merely the result of fear. I became scared of love because of a few bumps in the road and the control that love can have over us. You don't always get your way in "love" and for many of us, that's the first lesson that love teaches us. A lot of us don't survive that lesson.
It's learning the hard way that love and sacrifice are synonymous.
Many of my friends have shared that same fear, male and female alike. Each of them love to get drunk and talk about Cupid's bad aim without acknowledging the lessons in the pain. We quickly and collectively demonized love and started suggesting that it's far too painful to attempt to bear. In some cases, it just wasn't meant to be but that's not the issue in question. The issue is that we take those bad cases of love and decide to completely give up on it. We learn one lesson and decide that the rest of the curriculum is too difficult to understand.
Dating people who neglect to work for love or completely neglect the idea of commitment. It's tough.
BUT, imagine what is on the other side of that heartbreak? Imagine how relationships will taste now that we have experienced what we don't want to deal with. Now, we walk into our next chance at love with better understandings of ourselves and our self-worth. We ain't dealing with anything that disrespects us! Love is for everybody and that vision that we have of a strong relationship is no mirage; it's very real. A couple of run-ins with the wrong one(s) help us appreciate the right one even more.
Contrary to popular belief, love deserves our best efforts. It deserves us stepping up to the plate even after striking out before.
We should stop and understand that there is no perfect love. The beauty in that four letter "L" word is that it's not one size fits all. Your interpretation of 'love' shape-shifts itself to your idiosyncrasies. However, the bulk of the work comes from us understanding that we will undoubtedly have to work to keep love afloat; no matter how "perfect" our significant others may be. One thing you'll notice when couples renew their vows, or when we hear stories of love that has stood the test of time, is that you're going to have to work to make it work.
Sometimes the work is in getting back up and trying to love again.
Consider this a plea to you (and to myself, tbh) to not give up on love. Your last try may have been draining but it didn't drain you completely. That old and toxic situation is not worth your present and future happiness. After understanding who you are, try to understand who you are in love and then give it another go.
Female or male, love is still a valuable jewel that I would hate to see you get robbed of because of a bad experience.
xo, Brian James
Dear Queen is a weekly series dedicated to letters from women written for themselves and other women. Have a "Dear Queen" letter? We want to read it! E-mail your letters to submissions@xonecole.com with the subject: Dear Queen.
Featured image by Getty Images
RELATED
Again, the answer never changes because, if there is one thing that Shellie Reneé Warren is gonna get, it’s 6-8 (sometimes nine) hours of sleep. However, since my chronotype (check out “Ever Wonder What Personality Traits Make Someone A 'Morning Person'?”) means that I like/prefer to write in the wee hours of the morning, sometimes I will sleep for the night for five hours and take a nap in the day. And y’all, that is just fine with me because I am well aware of the fact that napping does everything from give me more energy, heighten my alertness and even make me more creative to decrease stress levels, strengthen immunity, and reduce my chances of experiencing a heart attack or stroke.
My problem is I will oftentimes go “overboard” with my daytime zzz’s. What I mean by that is, in order to get the most out of a nap, they say thatyou shouldn’t sleep for longer than 25 minutes or so; otherwise, you could wake up feeling sluggish (I don’t but…). Also, it can make resting, soundly, at night a bit of a struggle.
So, what are you saying, Shellie? We should get quickies in? Yeah. And it’s funny that the word “quickie” would come up because just like a sex quickie can do wonders for you (and it can — check out “12 Super Solid Reasons To Have A Quickie Every Single Day”), it’s a full-circle moment when I say that something that can improve the quality of your sex life is to have a power nap (a nap that lasts between 10-30 minutes).
Wanna know how the two things correlate? Honestly, it’s no secret that sleep and sex work together to optimize both (check out “6 Fascinating Ways Sex And Sleep Definitely Go Hand In Hand”). Today, though, we’re going to tap into how a nap, specifically, can have you partaking in some of the best sex that you’ve experienced in a minute. I’ll explain.
Naps Reduce Stress
GiphyIf you’re feeling super stressed out right now, you are not alone. There is plenty of data out here that says that most of us are stressed for at least a couple of reasons at a time — and that can impact your sexual health on a few levels. For one thing, it can bring about feelings of depression and/or anxiety. Stress can also throw your hormone levels off (including your cycle) which can weaken your libido. Stress can make you want to put distance between you and your partner (yes, literally).
Stress can also make it challenging to get aroused or to have an orgasm. And just what can help to decrease stress? Taking a nap. Since sleep has a way of helping you to “get off of the clock” and relax a bit, that can lower your stress levels and “reset” your body so that you are calmer — and that, in turn, can do wonders for your sex drive and ultimately your sex life.
Naps Improve Your Mood
GiphyThere is one person in my life, and fairly 80 percent of the time, she’s in a super good mood. Oh, but let that girl go without sleep, and…who is this woman? LOL. There’s research behind why this happens. When a person is sleep-deprived, it messes with their brain chemicals, and that can amplify emotions like anger, restlessness and sadness. In fact, one study revealed that people who had their sleep disrupted throughout the night, they ended up having their positive outlook on life reduced by about 30 percent.
And geeze, who wants to have sex when they’re not feeling very good? Anyway, since serotonin is a neurotransmitter that helps to regulate your moods, your sleep patterns, and your libido and sleep is what helps to keep it in balance — by taking a nap, not only can it help you to feel better, it can also increase your desire for sex (it can also build up your endurance which is also…sexually beneficial).
Naps Increase Your Focus and Concentration
GiphySomething that some of my clients bring up is how, when it comes to having sex, sometimes the flesh is willing while the spirit is weak because, although the desire for intimacy is there, so much is going on that they aren’t able to get still enough to focus on experiencing copulation with their partner. This also tracks because, when you don’t have enough rest, your brain finds itself not working in harmony and that can make it hard to do everything from approaching life with a sense of flexibility to making necessary decisions.
Certain data also reveal that a lack of rest can cause you to have a really poor attention span and not process things in context (the more you know). So, if you really want to get some yet it’s hard for you to focus long enough to make it happen, ask your bae to lie down with you and take a nap. Between the sleep and the snuggling (check out “Fall's Coming: 8 Wonderful Health Benefits Of Cuddling”) — you may wake up with your mind and body totally on the same page. #wink
Naps Can Make You Feel Better About Your Body
GiphyEven if, overall, you feel really good about your body, I think that we all have moments when we feel less attractive than others — and who wants to have sex when they don’t really feel…very sexy? Well, something else that sleep, in general, can do is increase your confidence in your body.
For one thing, if you want to lose a few pounds, sleep can actually make that happen by helping your body metabolize the glucose (sugar) that’s in it so that you can better manage your appetite. Other studies go on to share that since sleep deprivation can impact one’s mental health and emotional stability in a negative way, of course, getting enough rest would increase body positivity.
Shoot, science even goes so far as to say that insomnia can cause people to have an elevated level of dissatisfaction when it comes to their body image. Don’t take their word for it, though. Look in the mirror before a nap. Then look in a mirror after waking up from me. Do you feel better? I’d be surprised if you don’t.
Makes Your Brain Bigger…Which Could Make Your Orgasms Better
GiphyI saved the best for last by design. Now if you’re wondering how in the world a nap can improve (and possibly increase) your orgasms — oh, there is a method to the madness…trust. For starters, the saying that your biggest sex organ is your brain? That isn’t a myth. Long story less long, the brain is what houses your central nervous system and that is what controls how men and women sexually function (yes, literally).
And since the brain also releases feel-good chemicals like dopamine, serotonin, and oxytocin during sex and brain activity significantly increases in women during sexual activity (especially right before she orgasms) — well, would it trip you out to know that when you take a nap, your brain actually expands? A bigger brain (that’s healthy) can potentially intensify your sexual experiences (and your climaxes) — and who doesn’t want that to go down?
____
Like I said earlier, I never have to be convinced to get a nap in. However, if your sex life has been a bit stagnant lately, you’ve been feeling a little sluggish and you’re not sure what to do — I’m hoping that a nap can get you right.
There’s enough science to prove that it can. All you need to do is give it a shot.
Now where’s your pillow and sleep mask, chile?
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Featured image by FG Trade/Getty Images