

Dear Queen:
Heartbreak paralyzes us at our core.
The initial moments don't last long but the healing process seems to hurt worse than anything in the world. Sometimes it even feels like it lasts forever. I didn't think I could heal after giving her everything and watching her throw it all away for nothing. Her actions quickly made me think that she was just an example of what all women were like and I proceeded to develop a fear of love as a result of her act of hatred.
The irony.
But, somewhere along the way of turning my back to Cupid, I realized that my fear of love has given so much power to hatred. I began to realize how my past was crippling my present and future, holding me back the "forever" that could be around the corner. Healing is relevant and can happen on your own terms but at some point, we should all grow past our pain and learn to love again.
Ultimate growth happens when we stop and realize that love is a relative and necessary application to our lives. It's not about trying to make love a little sweeter or a little softer. It's about being able to truly embrace its taste.
Love is an acquired taste.
Its sweetness can sometimes be the perfect balance to the sour moments in your life, but then that same sweetness can be abrasive at other times. Like lemonade with too much sugar in it. It can also carry an unimaginable amount of heat that can be just the perfect temperature for those cold nights. However, that same heat can suffocate you in the middle of the summer.
You get it.
It's interesting how cultural expectancies and norms take tolls on our lives. There are so many things that we suffocate because we expect a "norm" to exist and love is certainly one of those realms. We're bombarded with the 'happy-ending' love stories in films and literature, and then take all of these norms and spend our little lives chasing this fairytale ending without paying attention to the hell that led up to it.
Then we falter, fold, and wave the white flag. We delete Cupid's number and block him on all social sites then build walls around our hearts like a Mary J. Blige album.
Love isn't "for us" anymore.
Even I've stared into the dark tunnel of love with anger. But, after a few lonely storms outside of that tunnel, I realized the anger was merely the result of fear. I became scared of love because of a few bumps in the road and the control that love can have over us. You don't always get your way in "love" and for many of us, that's the first lesson that love teaches us. A lot of us don't survive that lesson.
It's learning the hard way that love and sacrifice are synonymous.
Many of my friends have shared that same fear, male and female alike. Each of them love to get drunk and talk about Cupid's bad aim without acknowledging the lessons in the pain. We quickly and collectively demonized love and started suggesting that it's far too painful to attempt to bear. In some cases, it just wasn't meant to be but that's not the issue in question. The issue is that we take those bad cases of love and decide to completely give up on it. We learn one lesson and decide that the rest of the curriculum is too difficult to understand.
Dating people who neglect to work for love or completely neglect the idea of commitment. It's tough.
BUT, imagine what is on the other side of that heartbreak? Imagine how relationships will taste now that we have experienced what we don't want to deal with. Now, we walk into our next chance at love with better understandings of ourselves and our self-worth. We ain't dealing with anything that disrespects us! Love is for everybody and that vision that we have of a strong relationship is no mirage; it's very real. A couple of run-ins with the wrong one(s) help us appreciate the right one even more.
Contrary to popular belief, love deserves our best efforts. It deserves us stepping up to the plate even after striking out before.
We should stop and understand that there is no perfect love. The beauty in that four letter "L" word is that it's not one size fits all. Your interpretation of 'love' shape-shifts itself to your idiosyncrasies. However, the bulk of the work comes from us understanding that we will undoubtedly have to work to keep love afloat; no matter how "perfect" our significant others may be. One thing you'll notice when couples renew their vows, or when we hear stories of love that has stood the test of time, is that you're going to have to work to make it work.
Sometimes the work is in getting back up and trying to love again.
Consider this a plea to you (and to myself, tbh) to not give up on love. Your last try may have been draining but it didn't drain you completely. That old and toxic situation is not worth your present and future happiness. After understanding who you are, try to understand who you are in love and then give it another go.
Female or male, love is still a valuable jewel that I would hate to see you get robbed of because of a bad experience.
xo, Brian James
Dear Queen is a weekly series dedicated to letters from women written for themselves and other women. Have a "Dear Queen" letter? We want to read it! E-mail your letters to submissions@xonecole.com with the subject: Dear Queen.
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Brian James is a Media Personality, Artist, and Author from Prince George's County, MD. Having served several communities across America as a radio host, Brian continues to broadcast, write, and perform with the idea that love can save us all. Brian's nine-year career in entertainment has placed him on stage with several celebrities and major brands, spreading his message of love through music, literature, and his radio shows. Connect with Brian on Instagram and Twitter at @briancxvi.
Devale Ellis On Being A Provider, Marriage Growth & Redefining Fatherhood
In this candid episode of the xoMAN podcast, host Kiara Walker talked with Devale Ellis, actor, social media personality, and star of Zatima, about modern masculinity, learning to be a better husband, emotional presence in marriage, fatherhood for Black men, and leading by example.
“I Wasn’t Present Emotionally”: Devale Ellis on Marriage Growth
Devale Ellis On Learning He Was a ‘Bad Husband’
Ellis grew up believing that a man should prioritize providing for his family. “I know this may come off as misogynistic, but I feel like it’s my responsibility as a man to pay for everything,” he said, emphasizing the wise guidance passed down by his father. However, five years into his marriage to long-time partner Khadeen Ellis, he realized provision wasn’t just financial.
“I was a bad husband because I wasn’t present emotionally… I wasn’t concerned about what she needed outside of the resources.”
Once he shifted his mindset, his marriage improved. “In me trying to be of service to her, I learned that me being of service created a woman who is now willing to be of service to me.”
On Redefining Masculinity and Fatherhood
For Ellis, “being a man is about being consistent.” As a father of four, he sees parenthood as a chance to reshape the future.
“Children give you another chance at life. I have four different opportunities right now to do my life all over again.”
He also works to uplift young Black men, reinforcing their worth in a world that often undermines them. His values extend to his career—Ellis refuses to play roles that involve domestic violence or sexual assault.
Watch the full episode below:
On Marriage, Family Planning, and Writing His Story
After his wife’s postpartum preeclampsia, Ellis chose a vasectomy over her taking hormonal birth control, further proving his commitment to their partnership. He and Khadeen share their journey in We Over Me, and his next book, Raising Kings: How Fatherhood Saved Me From Myself, is on the way.
Through honesty and growth, Devale Ellis challenges traditional ideas of masculinity, making his story one that resonates deeply with millennial women.
For the xoMAN podcast, host Kiara Walker peels back the layers of masculinity with candid conversations that challenge stereotypes and celebrate vulnerability. Real men. Real stories. Real talk.
Want more real talk from xoMAN? Catch the full audio episodes every Tuesday on Spotify and Apple Podcasts, and don’t miss the full video drops every Wednesday on YouTube. Hit follow, subscribe, and stay tapped in.
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6 Tabletop Sex Positions That'll Unlock You & Bae's Most Primal Desires
Something I will never tire of is finding new ways to bring new layers to intimacy. A wall you use as momentum, a bathroom sink to help you keep your balance as he worships you on his knees, a shower that is usually for cleansing but evolves into a sacred ritual of shared intimacy.
My favorite kind of sex is the kind of sex that prioritizes pleasure and connection. So, technically and thankfully, I can say most of my sex life has been quite pleasurable throughout the years. But the memorable encounters for sure take the cake. One such encounter actually took place on a kitchen counter, and with it unleashed inhibitions in ways I never anticipated while unlocking levels to top-tier sex. And that, that involved a kitchen counter.
Why Kitchen Counter Sex Just Hits Different
What is it about having your hips pressed into the edge of a kitchen counter that lets out something so primal in you? The cool-to-the-touch feel of the countertop against exposed skin as you rise to meet him again and again. The urgency in every movement. The playfulness of repurposing an everyday space for something far more erotic. If you’re looking to bring that energy into your own sex life, keep reading for positions and tips to explore.
1. The Bounce House
They don’t call it Bounce House for nothing. In this position, the penetrating partner lies flat on their back on a sturdy table or counter while the receiving partner straddles them, knees bent and facing away. With their hands gripping the edge of the surface for support, the receiving partner slides or bounces at their own pace, owning the rhythm, the motion, and the view.
According to sex therapist Michael Aaron, Ph.D., who spoke with Women’s Health, the receiving partner placing their legs between their partner’s creates a tighter sensation, while staying fully astride allows for more bounce and range of motion. Either way, this one puts the receiver in full control, and you know we love a good woman on top position. Pleasure and power? Say less.
2. The Bicycle
Well, you know what they say about riding a bike. In the case of this table top position, it's the receiving partner who is the rider...but not in the way you think. While lying back on a sturdy surface or a table, the receiver will bring their knees toward their chest, bending them as if in a cycling motion. The penetrating partner stands at the edge of the surface, grabbing the receiver's ankles, and guides themselves inside, slowly so as to savor the moment. This angle puts everything on display for the penetrating partner while allowing for deep, connected thrusting for the receiver.
To take things up a notch , the receiving partner can touch themselves or flex their thighs to control the depth or the rhythm. Because, who says only one person gets to have control?
3. Counter Offer
How could we be at the table and not use it to eat? Enter: Counter Offer. In this oral-focused sex position, the receiving partner perches on the edge of a counter or table, lying back or sitting upright with legs parted or bent for comfort. The penetrating partner kneels or stands between their thighs, depending on the setup and the kind of attention they’re ready to give. No doubt, this one’s all about access and intention.
With the vulva front and center, the height makes it easier to maintain eye contact, use hands freely for things like breast play or incorporating toys, and take their time with every moan-inducing taste. And that’s on five, six, seven, ATE.
4. Standing Doggy
Standing Doggy is what happens when a classic like doggy style gets an upgrade. Instead of being on all fours on a bed, the receiving partner bends over a hard surface like a table or counter, keeping their hips aligned at its edge. The penetrating partner stands behind and enters from the back, using the angle to go deeper and create a strong, steady rhythm. This one offers maximum control and visual appeal, especially if the penetrating partner reaches around for a little extra clitoral stimulation throughout thrusting.
This angle can get intense quickly, so bonus points if the receiving partner engages their pelvic floor muscles or shifts their weight to adjust how the pressure hits, especially if your goal is to hit that G-spot sweet spot.
5. Top Shelf
Men's Healthcalls this one "Yourself on the Shelf," but we like to call it "Top Shelf" because it's giving full view, full grip, and climax potential that's hard to top. The receiving partner sits on the edge of a sturdy table or counter while the penetrating partner stands in front of them and slowly slides in, thrusting while keeping them in position. From there, legs can wrap around their waist, arms can encircle their back, and the closeness at peak ecstasy? Chef's kiss.
If you have the core strength, add lifting to the menu for the final strokes leading to orgasm. Otherwise, allow the surface to the heavy lifting and enjoy the pleasure.
6. The Thumper
What better way to remind yourself that you're both the snack and the entrée than with a little tableside service courtesy of The Thumper? This position has the receiving partner kneeling on a sturdy table or counter (keyword: sturdy), hands gripping the edge or braced in front for support. The penetrating partner can then either kneel behind them (if there's room for two), or stay anchored on the ground with both feet planted on the floor (similar to the previously mentioned Standing Doggy). It all depends on the mood.
Kneeling on the table offers just the right amount of leverage for deep, steady strokes. The receiving partner can play with tightness by either keeping their knees closer together for a snug grip, or open their knees wider to invite more access, depth, and stretch. The Thumper is versatile that way, and the most important thing? The receiver gets to be the main course. Yum.
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