The words “reality TV” used to make me cringe when they were used to describe the docuseries, Couples Therapy on Showtime, that my husband Dale and I took part in. I’m no reality television star. I’ve never thrown a drink in the face of an associate called ‘friend’ or confessed my disdain for another person during a pre-taped confessional. No, I’m just a woman, a mother, a wife – and ultimately a person that was desperate to have a positive impact on my marriage by any means possible.
To some it may be "entertainment," but for us, it is quite actually our reality that just so happens to be on TV, and without it, I am not sure where we would be today had we not taken this unconventional journey towards our healing and understanding. No, we are not "fixed," but we are fixated on being a better version of ourselves for the betterment of our marriage, ourselves, and our family.
When COVID-19 reared its ugly head and the world seemed to shut down all around us, my husband and I found ourselves left with the responsibility of looking within our relationship and making some difficult assertions. The fighting, the bickering, the misunderstandings – they all became too much and one day I found myself Googling in desperation for info on a therapist who could come to our aid. Because of the circumstances that we all found ourselves in with the lockdowns, that task proved to be impossible, and we were left to figure out things on our own; for better or for worse.
That’s when we learned about the docuseries project, Couples Therapy. It was advertised as an in-depth look into the relationship dynamics of several couples, with a seasoned, licensed professional at the helm, guiding them to their collective healing.
At the time we had tried relationship therapy a couple of times before to not much success, but we knew that we needed some form of intervention to help guide us out of our own heads and emotions, and this program, though not specific to us at the time, seemed the best tool available to help us along our journey.
We both quickly became fans of the show, and more importantly, fans of psychologist and psychoanalyst Dr. Orna Guralnik, who seemed both patient and wise, as she offered insight and guidance to the couple on the show who seemed to be as much in crisis as Dale and I were at the time. Certain aspects of the show really hit home and before you knew it we were actually taking notes and engrossed in the show in a way that I hadn’t expected.
Courtesy of SHOWTIME
One day while perusing the internet an ad popped up, informing me that Showtime was on the hunt for participants for the third season of Couples Therapy.
Blame it on algorithms. Call it fate. Even regulate it to just dumb luck, but I took that as a sign that I should apply – and I did. Within a couple of weeks, we were contacted by someone on the production team for the show and after an arduous application process, we were finally chosen as one of the season’s featured couples and before you knew it, we were laying our entire relationship on display for the world to consume.
Though I naturally had a bit of apprehension about what we were about to get ourselves into, I was ready to try anything to be the version of ourselves that we were when we said “I do” a mere year prior. We dove headfirst into the process and were open and honest in a way that genuinely surprised me, as did the result.
And what was that result?
For starters, I went into the process not knowing just how much work would be needed to be done on myself by myself. I tell people all the time that relationship therapy is 80% individual work and 20% couples therapy. You must commit to working on yourself and identifying the unhealthy patterns and traumas that have created what are now your personality traits. The coping mechanisms that we form due to the unaddressed issues that we hold on to from within are evident in everything that we do – from our relationships to how we view ourselves.
I knew that there were aspects of my personality that were a direct result of the experiences I’ve encountered throughout my life, but I never knew how profound the trauma response was when it came to who we are as people. I didn’t consider many of the things that I went through as being traumatic, but that was simply because we were trained to normalize these occurrences and not give them the proper contextualization that they deserved. I learned how they not only impacted me but also how it impacted my husband and as a result, our marriage.
I also learned that you have to go into therapy with the goal of connecting with your spouse in a manner that is mutually beneficial and honest. At the time, I so wanted to be heard that I often found myself waiting for Dale to finish his thought just so I could defend myself or make my point. I wasn’t listening, and neither was he and we played the tit-for-tat game mercilessly until Dr. Guralnik redirected our communication efforts and showed us how to speak and listen with intent and focus.
Couples Therapy showed me that as imperfect as my marriage is, it’s mine and is something that I am proud of and am willing to fight for. No, we are not “healed,” and no, all of our problems did not magically vanish from our union, but we left that experience with a new appreciation for each other and an understanding of how we may have gotten to the point that we found ourselves in, in the first place. Therapy changed the dynamics of who we individually were and as a result, our marriage and our family benefited greatly.
As Black folks, we tend to shun therapy and look at it as a process that would demonize and label us, instead of the life-changing, helpful tactic that it is. It’s always frowned upon to “put your business out there” to be judged and criticized, and oftentimes we are left trying to figure things out on our own, bumbling around with no real direction when real help is only a phone call away.
Would I do it all over again if ever given the chance? Heck yeah! I walked out of that situation with a renewed, optimistic viewpoint of my marriage, and with the tools necessary to make it everything it was destined to be. Do we use those tools effectively daily? I would have to admit that we don’t. But we are constantly growing and morphing into better versions of ourselves.
For that, I am thankful.
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Featured image courtesy of SHOWTIME
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It was on a crisp fall day, working from my balcony, that the idea of a “creative sabbatical” came to mind. I desired to return to the place I had once called home during my time as a full-time entertainment journalist — Los Angeles. There was only one catch: financially, I still needed to work my 9-to-5 job, which at the time was forcing us back into a hybrid schedule three days a week. I also needed to cover my mortgage back home while maintaining a comfortable living situation in LA. Oh, and did I mention that I didn’t have savings, sponsors, or sugar daddies?
In short, I had to be strategic about doing this seemingly crazy move with little to no budget, without leaving the job that was sustaining me.
It took a lot of planning and a little pushing back of fear, but after completing a three-month stay, I can say I’m glad I took the leap of faith. It became the catalyst for my clarity. While I understand that not everyone is in my situation and we each have our own obstacles, I believe that quieting doubt and asking the what-ifs enabled me to see the possibilities that made this much-needed getaway possible without breaking the bank.
Here are the five key steps I took to bring what started as a crazy idea to fruition.
I Got Clear On My Why
Like anything in life, what you want to accomplish first starts with being clear on why you want to accomplish it. My sabbatical wasn’t about a fun getaway; I was seeking confirmation as to whether LA should once again be my place of residence as I pursue my creative calling. And I wanted to test it out while still having the cushion of a 9-to-5 job and the ability to easily return home before spending thousands of dollars moving across the country.
This not only anchored my strategy moving forward but also made it easier to answer with confidence when curious (and concerned) minds wanted to know why I was leaving Atlanta for the summer.
In naming my why, I also acknowledged that my creativity deserved the same planning and seriousness I gave my corporate deadlines.
Maybe for you it’s not creative clarity. Maybe it’s having the opportunity to be still and dream again in a place you’ve always wanted to go. Or maybe it’s enjoying a quiet recharge away from the noise of your everyday life. Whatever your reason, your why is what will carry you through to the finish line when challenges try to stop you in your tracks.
I Identified Opportunities to Work Remotely
Once my why was clear, I had to figure out the how.
The idea for my 90-day creative sabbatical came after seeing a coworker spend a month overseas shooting a TV show while still working remotely in her downtime. I reached out to my manager to ask how she was able to do it, and I discovered that while PTO was limited, company policy allowed 90 days of domestic remote work. With my manager’s support, I secured approval.
It made me realize that we often don’t know all the benefits our companies offer, and many of us are afraid to ask. While a typical sabbatical includes pay without working, my situation required me to keep money flowing in, which meant shifting my language from “can I?” to “how can I?”
If you’re looking to do something similar, I’d encourage reaching out to your manager or HR team to see what opportunities they may have available.
I Created A Strategy for Cutting My Costs
Once I locked in my sabbatical start date, things started to feel real. I had a steady stream of income I could count on, but there was still one blocker: how was I going to pay my housing costs back home and in one of the most expensive cities in the country?
My original plan was to let a friend rent out my guest room, ideally close to the same cost I’d be paying for housing in LA. When that fell through, I was left with one option— rent my guest room to a stranger.
This may not be a big deal for some, but as someone particular about the people and energy I bring into my home, I hesitated. I had to remind myself that my home was only an asset if I chose to use it as such. With experience as a landlord, I listed my home on Furnished Finder— a mid-term rentals site for traveling professionals. In a short time, I found a tenant who was the perfect fit for a three-month stay.
I also came across home exchange platforms like HomeExchange and Kindred, where you make your home available to travelers from around the world in exchange for points or credits you can then use for your own stays. After completing two exchanges, I had enough points to book 11 days of free housing in a Downtown LA high-rise, saving me almost $1,000 in my first month.
This experience forced me to see my home not just as a place where I lived, but as an asset that could fund my dreams.
I Secured My Dream Home
Once I locked in my renter, I started looking to secure my own housing. I narrowed down walkable areas and turned to Furnished Finder to find the perfect fit.
I discovered a guest house in the Larchmont area of Los Angeles, which was not only great for getting around the city by foot or rideshare but also a peaceful space for a writer to thrive. On weekdays, I walked through beautiful neighborhoods that made me dream. On weekends, I worked in Larchmont Village cafés, planting the seeds of what I wanted next.
I Designed My Ideal Life
With housing secured both at home and in LA, I could finally focus on how I would spend my time. No longer was I succumbing to the hustle of adulthood. This was my opportunity to dream again without limitations, and I gave myself permission to create the life I truly wanted.
Excited, I pulled up my Milanote app and brainstormed what my days would look like — co-working with friends at coffee shops, dining at restaurants with mouth-watering menus, exploring overlooked corners of the city. I also identified opportunities to reconnect with people I hadn’t seen in years, planting seeds of community in case I made a permanent return.
Even before leaving for LA I could feel my creative wells flowing again. I came up with a blog series titled "Summer In LA," a slow-unfolding, real-time diary chronicling what happens when a woman steps away from the familiar and gives herself permission to feel again.
In reality, things didn’t always go according to plan— my job became more demanding than I’d expected. But having a vision made me feel intentional and purposeful, even when I had to pivot.
It was on the patio of Bricks and Scones, sipping a brown sugar oat milk latte, that the vision for my creative future began to unfold. It was while attending the festivities of the BET Awards and other exclusive events that I realized that the rooms I was in no longer aligned with the woman that I was becoming. It was a scenic train ride to Santa Barbara that reminded me that the life that I crave doesn’t come with soulless work and strict deadlines, it was freedom that I desired.
And it was why, by the end of the sabbatical, I bravely walked away from a job that no longer served me.
I left my time in LA with a quiet knowing that my life was about to change, and all I needed was the courage to embrace it. Perhaps your own sabbatical isn’t 90 days; even a one-week getaway can be the catalyst to your calling. What matters most isn’t the destination or the timeline, but the decision to create space for yourself and trusting that the life you imagine is worth pursuing.
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Featured image by Kiah McBride