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Celibacy Might Be The Remedy To My Reckless Disregard For Self-Love
"Every man that you have sex with will take a little piece of you."
That's what my aunt told me 12 years ago at the age of 13, when sex first piqued my interest.
I was too young to understand her words on the spiritual level it was intended for and unfortunately, that did not deter me from soon thereafter losing my virginity.
Since losing my virginity, my sex life has taken a leave of absence on several occasions. However, this time around, after a year or so without sex, it feels different. Furthermore, it feels necessary—one might even call it a sex sabbatical, this sexless journey I'm on at the moment. And although it feels good, it most certainly was not a choice and my libido still struggles accepting it at times.
When this began, there was nothing in me that wanted to give up sex, but my soul and body had something else in mind.
Although my last relationship was nearly three years ago, I expended far too much energy on this partnership: mentally, emotionally, and sexually.
My body recognized on a subconscious level how depleted and empty sex was making me and it has since forced me to reject sex, even when that wasn't my initial intention. I say it like it's an allergy because it's almost as if it is. You want it but your body (in some capacity) just won't allow for it – not in a way that is healthy for all parties involved.
Seriously, just ask the stranger I hooked up with and simultaneously began crying on. However, after all this time and one failed hookup (because anything out of the country doesn't count, right?), my love life, or lack thereof, is slowly but surely becoming a little less hazy.
This most recent hookup really forced me to unpack what had been going on with me. I was horny and so it was apparent that I was still interested in sex. But I had also actively stopped dating. And though I found contentment in doing so, I realized that I had not actively stopped desiring the comfort and intimacy that can come with the bae starter kit (if you're lucky).
But, I wasn't willing to keep pushing myself to be sexual when my heart clearly wasn't in it and, by default, forcing unsuspecting strangers to bear the load of my unpacked baggage.
My desires and my actions didn't make sense to me until I gave an attractive nice guy my number. I quickly found that this was all that he had to offer and when I was able to walk away, well, that was more defining than anyone can truly understand. My intuition spoke to me as usual, but the voice was less muffled than in the past when sending me clarity and affirmations that I typically choose to put aside.
This allowed me to finally see that by inwardly and outwardly acknowledging my value, I was not being a bitch or "stuck up"—I was simply loving myself.
For the first time ever, I realized that being nice with more hypothetical potential than actual stock was not enough to make any one man worthy of who I am, where I am, and where I'm headed.
For once, I didn't see this as a challenge to elevate him, investing in a man in exchange for hope, or expelling my energy into a man who had never directly expressed an interest in my doing so, not through his actions or words. The only thing that this guy had to offer me was the full-time caper position and not many moons ago, I would've taken it, but not today – not the woman my subconscious is fighting for me to become. Sis, wasn't having it.
Nonetheless, it was this decision to walk away without second thoughts and guilt from what normally would've felt most comfortable, that allowed me to realize what and why I have been faced with this journey of celibacy. In remaining celibate, it has allowed me to connect with myself in a way that I've never done before:
I've begun to better understand the role I play in my own heartache and what ending the cycle to actually find something meaningful will look like over time as I peace myself back together.
I've finally begun to heal from the men who I've almost allowed to reduce me to nothing, with all the little pieces they've taken over time.
And each day, I'm coming to understand and embrace the journey instead of asking so many questions because I can recognize the growth.
I suppose I finally found a purpose in my drought and it had nothing at all to do with purity in order to appeal to men, but maybe purifying in spite of men and the previous carelessness I held in regard to my own esteem. Furthermore, it had everything to do with understanding, healing, and peace.
Although this journey was accidental, I feel confident that it was intended to help me travel to the root of love, searching within myself before looking to others to provide my soul and body with the nourishment it so badly desires.
xoNecole is always looking for new voices and empowering stories to add to our platform. If you have an interesting story or personal essay that you'd love to share, we'd love to hear from you. Contact us at submissons@xonecole.com
Featured image by Shutterstock
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- Celibacy is Intimate Self Love (1 of 5) - YouTube ›
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- "I Can Give My Body What It Needs:" Finding Self Love in Celibacy ›
Motor City native, Atlanta living. Sagittarius. Writer. Sexpert. Into all things magical, mystical, and unknown. I'll try anything at least once but you knew that the moment I revealed that I was a Sag.
This article is sponsored by Hulu.
UnPrisonedhas returned for its highly anticipated second season, delving deeper into the complex dynamics of the Alexander family.
The series premiere comes a year after its debut season garnered rave reviews from fans and critics and earned record-breaking ratings for Hulu's Onyx Collective brand. UnPrisoned's success can be attributed to its raw, relatable themes and comedic appeal.
Inspired by creator Tracy McMillan's life, the show follows Paige (Kerry Washington), a therapist and single mother whose life takes an unexpected turn when her father, Edwin (Delroy Lindo) --who was released from prison-- moves in with her and her teenage son, Finn (Faly Rakotohavana).
Throughout UnPrisoned's first season, viewers witnessed how Edwin's incarceration deeply affected Paige's life and relationships. In the series, Paige unpacks her trauma through interactions with her inner child and her online followers. Meanwhile, Edwin is overcoming specific struggles with his own past that led to his life of crime, including a dysfunctional upbringing and his mother's arrest. As the Alexanders attempt to reconcile, new challenges arise.
This new season promises to further explore their unconventional family dynamic. Here are several compelling reasons why season two of UnPrisoned should be on everyone's watchlist.
The Alexander Family Life Is Still In Shambles
UnPrisoned's second season resumes where the series left off, with Paige grappling with the fallout from her troubled therapy practice and Edwin navigating life independently after moving out. Meanwhile, Finn faces his own challenges. The teenager is battling anxiety and seeking information about his father—a topic Paige avoids discussing.
The Alexander Family Are Attending Therapy To Resolve Their Underlying Issues
Amid the chaos in their lives, the Alexander family decides to mend their bond by confronting their past traumas. They seek professional help and attend therapy sessions with a “family radical healing coach,” played by John Stamos, a new cast member. This collective effort aims to unravel the complexities of their shared history and strengthen their relationships.
The process of unraveling each character's internal conflicts and their potential impact on future relationships may clash with Paige's textbook therapy approach. While Paige is used to being in the therapist's seat in both career and family, this forces her into the unfamiliar role of a patient during therapy sessions. This shift would compel her to look in the mirror and try a radically different approach.
The Alexander Family Learned A Big Lesson During A Therapy Session
In therapy, the Alexanders are tasked with addressing their individual traumas to salvage their remaining relationships. One of the family therapist’s eccentric suggestions was an exercise involving a family wrestling match. During this session, Paige faces tough questions about her refusal to share information about Finn's father.
While it's unclear whether this scene is reality or fantasy, the image of the family duking it out in the ring certainly makes for hilarious yet compelling television.
Paige Tries Dating Again Following Failed Relationships
Amid her life's chaos, Paige decides to step back into the dating field. However, her many attempts have left her with mixed results. The dating apps have turned out to be a fail, and an outing with her ex Mal (Marque Richardson), who is also her father's parole officer, doesn’t go quite as expected after he brings an unexpected guest – his new girlfriend.
The situation takes an awkward turn when Mal's new partner learns why the former couple split, partly due to Paige's self-sabotage.
UnPrisoned Is A Perfect Balance Of Comedy And Drama
As a dramedy, UnPrisoned takes a comedic approach to its heavy subjects. The show takes us on a ride with Paige's dating misadventures and navigating a friendship with her ex.
Other lighthearted moments include Edwin's attempts at CPR based on online videos and, of course, the antics of the Alexander family's unconventional new healing coach.
The second season of UnPrisoned is now available on Hulu.
UnPrisoned | Season 2 Trailer | Hulu
Feature image courtesy
Blair Underwood Initially Turned Down 'Sex And The City' Because 'It Was About How Samantha Was Fascinated By Dating A Black Man’
Actor and heartthrob Blair Underwood is opening up about why he turned down Sex and the City the first time he was offered a role. Many fans of the HBO series may recall Blair's time on the show in which his character was dating Miranda (Cynthia Nixon). However, he was previously offered another role where his character would date Samantha (Kim Cattrall).
During his interview with AV Club, the Set It Off star revealed that he was uncomfortable with the initial offer due to the character's fascination with him being a Black man.
“I actually did say ‘no’ the first time,” he said. “The first time they had offered the role, to be honest with you, it was about how Samantha was fascinated by dating a Black man and wanted to know if, uh, all of the rumors were true about our anatomy! And I said, ‘Listen, I’m honored, thank you, but I just don’t want to play a character based on race, on curiosity about a Black man.'”
But that didn't stop them from reaching out again. This time he was offered to play Dr. Robert Leeds, the love interest to Miranda and he decided to go for it. "So they were nice enough to call about a year later, and I said, 'Well, is it gonna be about race?' And they said, 'No, no, no, we’re not even gonna mention race!' And I think it really did only come up maybe once," he recalled.
"It did five episodes, and I think Samantha mentioned it once, saying something about 'a Black doctor' that Miranda was dating. And that’s really been a consistent thing in my career: not wanting to be boxed as 'the Black guy.'
"I’ve had that conversation with many producers along the way, and they were so great. They said, 'No, he’s just a doctor who Miranda meets in the elevator, and they have a nice little fling.' And it was amazing."
Blair has had a wide-ranging career playing everything from a lawyer on L.A. Law to playing Madame CJ Walker's husband on Self Made: Inspired by the Life of Madame CJ Walker. And during his interview, he revealed another role that he initially turned down, Set It Off. The movie, which is considered a classic in Black culture, stars Queen Latifah, Jada Pinkett Smith, Vivica A. Fox, and Kimberly Elise. Blair's character, Keith, played a banker and love interest to Jada's character, Stony.
He explained why he said no at first and eventually accepted the offer. "I had initially said “no” to that. Because I was playing this historic, iconic African-American historical figure in Jackie Robinson, and the time, y’know, there was Boyz N The Hood, and Menace II Society was out there, and I’d finished playing this noble Negro… [Laughs]," he said.
"And I’m reading the script, and there’s a scene where Jada Pinkett’s character—Jada Pinkett-Smith now—was going to sell her body so she could make some money to send her brother to college. And I remember, honestly, I threw the script across the room. I was, like, “I don’t want to do this. I want to do something uplifting for the Black culture and Black characters, and I don’t know if I want to see this.”
After a conversation with the movie's director F. Gary Gray and the actor's manager encouraging him to finish reading the script, Blair had a change of heart. What he first thought about the movie turned out to be totally different.
"So I finished the script, and I saw that the character they were asking me to play was really the love story in the midst of all of this turmoil of all of these characters, the four ladies: Queen Latifah, Vivica Fox, Kimberly Elise, and Jada," he explained.
"It was so well-written, it was such a great platform for them. And to be able to play the love story and the storyline that gave Jada’s character a leg up and a way out of this world, something to hope for, to wish for, someone to love her… I said, 'You know what? I’d like to be a part of that.'
"And I’m so glad I did, because that film resonates to this day. People all the time come up to me and say that they love that movie. So I’m glad that I did it."