Celibacy Might Be The Remedy To My Reckless Disregard For Self-Love
"Every man that you have sex with will take a little piece of you."
That's what my aunt told me 12 years ago at the age of 13, when sex first piqued my interest.
I was too young to understand her words on the spiritual level it was intended for and unfortunately, that did not deter me from soon thereafter losing my virginity.
Since losing my virginity, my sex life has taken a leave of absence on several occasions. However, this time around, after a year or so without sex, it feels different. Furthermore, it feels necessary—one might even call it a sex sabbatical, this sexless journey I'm on at the moment. And although it feels good, it most certainly was not a choice and my libido still struggles accepting it at times.
When this began, there was nothing in me that wanted to give up sex, but my soul and body had something else in mind.
Although my last relationship was nearly three years ago, I expended far too much energy on this partnership: mentally, emotionally, and sexually.
My body recognized on a subconscious level how depleted and empty sex was making me and it has since forced me to reject sex, even when that wasn't my initial intention. I say it like it's an allergy because it's almost as if it is. You want it but your body (in some capacity) just won't allow for it – not in a way that is healthy for all parties involved.
Seriously, just ask the stranger I hooked up with and simultaneously began crying on. However, after all this time and one failed hookup (because anything out of the country doesn't count, right?), my love life, or lack thereof, is slowly but surely becoming a little less hazy.
This most recent hookup really forced me to unpack what had been going on with me. I was horny and so it was apparent that I was still interested in sex. But I had also actively stopped dating. And though I found contentment in doing so, I realized that I had not actively stopped desiring the comfort and intimacy that can come with the bae starter kit (if you're lucky).
But, I wasn't willing to keep pushing myself to be sexual when my heart clearly wasn't in it and, by default, forcing unsuspecting strangers to bear the load of my unpacked baggage.
My desires and my actions didn't make sense to me until I gave an attractive nice guy my number. I quickly found that this was all that he had to offer and when I was able to walk away, well, that was more defining than anyone can truly understand. My intuition spoke to me as usual, but the voice was less muffled than in the past when sending me clarity and affirmations that I typically choose to put aside.
This allowed me to finally see that by inwardly and outwardly acknowledging my value, I was not being a bitch or "stuck up"—I was simply loving myself.
For the first time ever, I realized that being nice with more hypothetical potential than actual stock was not enough to make any one man worthy of who I am, where I am, and where I'm headed.
For once, I didn't see this as a challenge to elevate him, investing in a man in exchange for hope, or expelling my energy into a man who had never directly expressed an interest in my doing so, not through his actions or words. The only thing that this guy had to offer me was the full-time caper position and not many moons ago, I would've taken it, but not today – not the woman my subconscious is fighting for me to become. Sis, wasn't having it.
Nonetheless, it was this decision to walk away without second thoughts and guilt from what normally would've felt most comfortable, that allowed me to realize what and why I have been faced with this journey of celibacy. In remaining celibate, it has allowed me to connect with myself in a way that I've never done before:
I've begun to better understand the role I play in my own heartache and what ending the cycle to actually find something meaningful will look like over time as I peace myself back together.
I've finally begun to heal from the men who I've almost allowed to reduce me to nothing, with all the little pieces they've taken over time.
And each day, I'm coming to understand and embrace the journey instead of asking so many questions because I can recognize the growth.
I suppose I finally found a purpose in my drought and it had nothing at all to do with purity in order to appeal to men, but maybe purifying in spite of men and the previous carelessness I held in regard to my own esteem. Furthermore, it had everything to do with understanding, healing, and peace.
Although this journey was accidental, I feel confident that it was intended to help me travel to the root of love, searching within myself before looking to others to provide my soul and body with the nourishment it so badly desires.
xoNecole is always looking for new voices and empowering stories to add to our platform. If you have an interesting story or personal essay that you'd love to share, we'd love to hear from you. Contact us at submissons@xonecole.com
Featured image by Shutterstock
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Motor City native, Atlanta living. Sagittarius. Writer. Sexpert. Into all things magical, mystical, and unknown. I'll try anything at least once but you knew that the moment I revealed that I was a Sag.
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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Rihanna Talks Shedding Expectations And Finding Balance As A Mother
Since becoming a mother in 2022, Rihanna has defined parenthood by her terms and hopes to pass that sense of autonomy on to her children.
For Vogue China’s April cover story, Rihanna shared her perspective on raising her two sons with A$AP Rocky, and how she hopes to preserve her children’s uniqueness, devoid of societal expectations.
"The most beautiful thing...is that [children] come into the world with their own individuality and sincerity, without any logic or conformity,” she told the publication. “Which usually makes you feel that you must fit into a certain group."
The “Work” artist, known for her trendsetting style and captivating persona, expressed her desire to support children in fully embracing their individuality and encouraging them to be whoever they want to be. "It's really beautiful to see and I want to continue to help them navigate that and make sure that they know they can be whoever they want to be,” she says.
She continues, “They should embrace it completely, because it's beautiful, and it's unique. I love them just that way."
From shattering music charts to shaking up the beauty industry, Rihanna has forged a path that has since created the “dream” life we see today. One that she says has made her parents proud of.
“I’m living my dream,” she continued. “My parents were very proud of that because they just wanted me to be happy and successful. So, I think the key thing is to find some kind of balance. Yes, balance is important. Do this and you get the best of both worlds. You can write your own life the way you want, and it will be beautiful. Sometimes, you just need to let go of everyone’s expectations and start living your own story.”
Rihanna, who shares sons, RZA, 23 months, and Riot, 8 months, with rapper A$AP Rocky, recently shared her vision for expanding her family in the future in Interview Magazine.
When stylist Mel Ottenberg asked about the number of additional children she hoped to have, Rihanna replied, "As many as God wants me to have.”
"I don't know what God wants, but I would go for more than two. I would try for my girl,” she adds. “But of course, if it's another boy, it's another boy."
Featured image by Neil MockfordWireImage