One of the first people I met when I moved to Bed-Stuy last year was a man named Earl. At first glance, he could easily pass as my great-uncle.
He had smooth, dark skin as a result of what seemed like decades worth of drinking lemon water, he was well-dressed even in his Velour jumpsuit, and still had all his teeth... from what I could see. I had just completed my hour-and-a-half-long trek from the Bronx, and finally reached my stop in Brooklyn. That's when he spotted me, struggling to pull my two enormous suitcases up the station's staircase, and offered his assistance.
I'd be a fool to decline, so I obliged and let him take the one with the most weight.
My apartment was just a few blocks away, which left plenty of time for us to chat. He inquired about where I was from, what I did for a living, and what brought me to Bedford-Stuyvesant, his beloved 'hood. His assistance ended once we reached my apartment, I thanked him for *quite literally* saving my life and thought, How could I possibly repay him for the trouble?
He already had something in mind… "I would love to have you over for dinner." He continued, "I'm just an old man who would love your company and to cook for you sometime."
I'm not going to lie, I was a little taken aback by his offer. Not because I was weirded out or anything, but because it seemed like such a calculated gesture for two strangers who had only met six blocks ago. So I replied, "Sorry, I'm going to respectfully decline, but I truly appreciate your help."
As those words escaped my mouth, I could see the hope leave his eyes. And just like that, Earl was gone. Since then, I've had many other Earls, there was Mexican Earl, Wal-Mart Earl, Dreadhead Earl, and even Wheelchair Earl.
And they all had one thing in common: the potential to be my sugar daddy.
I have to say, if there's one thing that I can do right in this dating game is pull your grandfather. I never really knew what it was, but men ages 55-65 just love them some me. But don't get me wrong, I used to think something was wrong with me for attracting what seemed like only older men.
Did I look old? Did they think I was some kind of hag? What was I giving off that gave them to cue to holler at me?
With that, I did what I always do when I have a dilemma regarding men and my dating life: I asked my dad. Luckily, as a man in his early 50's, he was able to shed some light on the situation and told me the following: "These old guys keep approaching you because they see you as a quality woman."
Hold on. Hold. ON. You mean to tell me that all these old guys can see the quality woman that I am but no one in my age bracket can? I was floored.
Still, it made a lot of sense. Not to toot my own horn, but I am a quality woman. Through a series of premature relationships and failed dates, I learned that most of the guys that fell off the face of the earth did so after realizing that I was just too much for them and they weren't ready to take on the "challenge" of dating me.
I don't put up with a lot of foolishness. I'm 25, so I've been there and done all of that already. It's not that I'm a pill, high maintenance, or have all these outlandish standards that guys have to jump through hoops to achieve. In fact, I would argue that the bar has been lowered for guys of our generation, so when they meet a young woman who's not going to put up with their mediocrity, it turns them away like, "Oh, she's asking for too much," when in actuality, she's not.
Funny enough, I actually appreciate all of the guys who have removed themselves from the running of being My Next Man. Thanks to them, all parties have been saved the time and effort that would have been wasted on figuring out what we already knew: they would not make the cut.
So, if you're a young, single, poppin' woman with wife-able qualities, please, I beg of you, don't settle for second best just because the wait for "the one" seems like a hopeless cause.
You're over there focusing on your dreams, loving yourself, handling your business, and soon enough, the right guy is going see you.
Don't allow yourself to think that you need to bend and conform to the world's standards in order to increase your chances of being found. Sure, it might get you a little peace for the moment, but chances are, it won't be what you need in the long run.
Continue to be quality. Don't be low hanging fruit that just anyone can grab.
Continue to only invest your time in young men who you could see yourself with long-term, even if you feel like your patience is running thin or your time is running out.
It took the Earls in my life to teach me this. Let's take heed to their wisdom.
*Article originally published on aleyarion.com
Featured image by Shutterstock
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Ding. Ding. DING.
A life coach by the name of Thomas Leonard once said that “Clarity affords focus” and, believe you me, when it comes to dealing with other human beings, if you don’t get clear on where you stand when it comes to your interactions with them, you can very easily find yourself “focusing too much” on those who don’t deserve it and too little on those who absolutely do. And y’all, this lil’ PSA couldn’t be more relevant than when it comes to what I call “casual friendships.”
Let’s dig — and for some of us, dig our way out of — what it means to have a casual friend, so that you can get clear on if you really need those in your life…and if so…why?
Article continues after the video.
It Can’t Be Said Enough: Always Remember What “Casual” Means
GiphyThere’s a reason why I decided to share two videos by mental health coach Isaiah Frizzle at the top and bottom of this article. It’s because a lot of what he shares in both of them complements a piece that I wrote for the platform last year entitled, “This Is Just What Purposeful Relationships Look Like.”
It’s the author M. Scott Peck who once said, “Until you value yourself, you won't value your time. Until you value your time, you will not do anything with it” and please believe that the older (and hopefully more mature) you get, the more you tend to see just how valuable — and fleeting — time is; and that is what plays a huge role in motivating you want to only involve yourself with people, places, things and ideas that will honor your time — and when something is casual? In my opinion, it’s highly debatable that it’s worth much of your months, days, hours, or even too many of your minutes.
The main reason why is addressed in an article that I wrote back in the day entitled, “We Should Really Rethink The Term 'Casual Sex.'” The gist? When it comes to relationships, “casual” is certainly not a favorite word of mine because I know what it means. Have mercy — why would you want to invest your time, energy, and emotions into something that is, by definition, apathetic, indifferent, careless, lacking emotional intimacy, and/or is without purpose?
I don’t know about y’all but that sounds like a complete and total crap shoot to me — especially if you are going to go so far as to consider this type of dynamic a true friendship (check out “Ever Wonder If A Friend Is Just...Not That Into You?,” “6 Signs You're About To Make A Huge Mistake In Making Them A Close Friend,” “5 Signs Of A Toxic Friendship That Is Secretly Poisoning Your Life,” “12 Friend Facts That Might Cause You To Rethink (Some Of) Your Own,” and “Less & Less Of Us Have Close Friends These Days. Why Is That?” ).
To me, when you decide to call someone “friend,” it means that they are loyal, reliable, consistent, trustworthy and willing to be there to support you to the very best of their ability — even if it’s inconvenient to do so sometimes (check out “Life Taught Me That True Friendships Are 'Inconvenient'”). How in the world can you expect that from something that has the word “casual” in it?
And you know what? That actually segues into my next point about casual friendships pretty darn well.
Ponder the Purpose “Casual Friends” Serve in Your Life
GiphyA couple of years ago, Verywell Mind published an article entitled, “How the 4 Types of Friendship Fit Into Your Life.” The four that it listed were acquaintances (which I actually don’t consider to be friends; check out “6 Differences Between A Close Acquaintance And An Actual Friend”), casual friends, close friends, and lifelong friends. After reading the piece, I think they consider casual friends to be the “pleasure” friends that I mentioned in the article, “According To Aristotle, We Need ‘Utility’, ‘Pleasure’ & ‘Good’ Friends.”
And although I certainly get that, I think my “cause for pause” is calling those people “friends” when they probably should be called something like an associate or possibly even a buddy instead. Why do I feel this way? Well, I’ve shared in other articles that I think social media has jacked up vocabulary words and their true meaning on a billion different levels.
Take “friend,” for example. Facebook had us out here calling everyone we connected to on their platform “friends” when some of them, we’ve never even spoken to before — and I personally think that influenced, affected and perhaps even infected our psyche to the point where we will call folks, both online and off, “friend” even when they haven’t earned it and/or who possibly don’t deserve it.
That said, do I think that we all could use lighthearted interactions that don’t go very deep and are filled with not much more than fun? Sure. However, if we were to move this over into a sexual thing — those types of people would probably be called a sneaky link, and there is nothing significant or substantial about ‘em. In fact, if anything pretty much automatically comes with an expiration date, sneaky links would have to be it.
And that’s kind of the point that I’m trying to make about a casual friend — so long as you know that the word “casual” is being used to describe them, while you may enjoy the people who fit that bill, they aren’t really anything that you can or even should fully rely on. Instead, take them for what they are and don’t really expect much more than that. Otherwise, you could be in for some profound levels of disappointment. And who wants that?
Final point.
How a Casual Friend Can Become a Huge Red Flag
GiphyI’m telling you, y’all gonna quit clowning Tubi. LOL. To me, the best way to describe it is it’s the Cricket of current streaming apps. What I mean by that is, back when Cricket (the cell phone service) first came out, people, like me, who used it service got incessantly clowned because it was seen as a bootleg provider. Now it’s owned by AT&T, and as someone who has rocked with them since I was in my 20s, I don’t have one regret for doing so. Cricket has always been good to me, chile.
And Tubi? Well, when you get a chance, check out CNBC’s article, “CEO at 33, Tubi’s Anjali Sud on success hacks she learned at Amazon, IAC on way to top of Fox streaming” — take note of the moves the streaming app is making and the quality of programming that is transpiring in real time.
Anyway, I find myself bringing up Tubi more and more in my content because it helps to amplify some of the points that I like to make. This time, it’s a movie that’s (currently) on there calledRight Man, Wrong Woman. If you haven’t seen it before, I don’t want to give too much of the film away. What I will say is that the main female character, she had a casual friend and then she had a close friend.
That casual friend—the one who liked to kick it all of the time—was a lot of fun; however, dealing with her came with a ton of semi-unforeseen consequences. Meanwhile, the close friend? She’s what the Aristotle article (that I mentioned earlier) would call the “good friend” because she tried her best to hold her friend accountable.
And really, it shouldn’t be a shock that the casual friend turned out to be a plum trip because if someone is loads of entertainment and pleasure and yet they are indifferent towards you, they make careless decisions around you and/or they don’t really make known the purpose for you being in their life other than to pass some time — where really do you and that person have to go past drinks after work or dinner on a rooftop restaurant from time to time? And if that is all that the two of you are doing, again, why are they deserving of the word “friend”?
Hmph and don’t get me started on the lack of reciprocity that typically transpires when it comes to dealing with people like this because, while they won’t mind you spending your coins on them, taking their calls in the middle of the night or listening to all of their issues — when it comes time for them to show up for you, they very well may gaslight you into thinking that you are being dramatic, clingy or “doing the most.” Why? Well, it’s mostly because the two of you never really established what the hell the both of you are to one another.
And so, while you’re somewhere taking them seriously, they are out here seeing you casually, and as much as it might hurt to hear, that doesn’t automatically or necessarily make them a bad person. You shouldn’t expect much where no clarity is involved. After all, casual is just that: CASUAL.
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I’m hoping that you can now see why I entitled this piece in the way that I did. It’s because a red flag is pretty much a warning, and to me, a casual friend is about as big of an oxymoron (again, to me) as casual sex is. Friends and sex are both too intimate to be seen or treated casually. Oh, but if you step out and take that risk, you could find yourself getting far more involved than the other individual ever wanted to go, because casual is how things have always been. “Friend” was simply to get you more mentally and emotionally invested. SMDH.
American columnist Walter Winchell once said, “A real friend is one who walks in when the rest of the world walks out.” A wise person once said, “One good friendship will outlive forty average loves." Former President Ulysses S. Grant once said, “The friend in my adversity I shall always cherish most. I can better trust those who helped to relieve the gloom of my dark hours than those who are so ready to enjoy with me the sunshine of my prosperity.” Does any of this sound casual to you? Yeah, me neither.
Again, I’m not saying that you shouldn’t have people in your life who aren’t on deep levels. I’m just saying that you might want to consider putting them into another category than friend, because what friends do for people? There ain’t nothin’ even remotely casual about it, sis. Not even a lil’ bit.
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