In About Face, xoNecole gets the 411 on IGers who give us #skincaregoals on a daily. Here they break down their beauty routines on the inside and out, as well as the highly coveted products that grace their shelves and their skin.
Candice Sabiduría is a woman of many interests. Not only is the 21-year-old a model and an actress, but she is also the founder of the vegan and cruelty-free skincare brand, SABii SKiNCARE. The budding entrepreneur decided to take her affinity for clean beauty into her own hands by throwing away store-bought products that only seemed to wreak havoc on her skin. She found that formulating her own products with special care and attention to the ingredients in them reflected in the overall health and clarity of her complexion.
Though SABii SKiNCARE targets skin concerns like texture, hyperpigmentation, and acne, Candice has a personal mission of upholding "good skin" as healthy skin. "Healthy skin has hair. It has hair, it has pores. It even has dark marks [and] discoloration. It has fine lines and wrinkles," she explains to xoNecole. "We're all going to have these things, which are the hyperpigmentation, dark circles under your eyes. All those things are healthy skin. I think once people realize that, people's standards of beauty are going to change drastically."
Courtesy of Candice Sabiduría
Her own relationship with beauty strengthened once she started doing little things outwardly that made her feel differently about her beauty inwardly. Things like self-care days, reciting affirmations, starting her mornings with calm instrumental music, taking bubble baths that scream "indulgence," and treating herself to meals alone impact the way she feels in her skin overall. "I just love being alone and finding that comfort and that beauty and just being able to do things for yourself," she adds.
As far as her most significant beauty lesson, Candice is all about hydration. "Always hydrate. Not just on the inside but the outside. People say drink water, which is great. Do that, but also hydration from the outside," Candice shares. "I love steaming my face. That's something you don't need to go out and buy anything. You can literally boil some water and put in some essential oils if you want and steam your face. That's a big tip for me. Hydrate. Just hydrate, hydrate, hydrate."
Keep scrolling for more insight into Candice Sabiduría’s morning and night skincare routines.
Candice Sabiduría’s A.M. Skincare Routine Looks Like…
Step One: Cleanse
Once You Go Black Foaming Liquid Black Soap
Sabii SKiNCARE
"I start out with cleansing my face. I use my cleanser, which is Once You Go Black. It has a black soap base. When I cleanse my face, I like to cleanse my face for one to two minutes to really activate the juices. I do that while I'm in the shower. I come out. I like to pat my face to dry it. Always pat. Always, always, always pat."
Step Two: Toner
Jucii Drops Toner
SABii SKiNCARE
"Then, I go in with my toner. I use the Jucii Drop Toner from my line and it's a niacinamide toner with pomegranate extract, which really helps any dark marks I have and dullness in my face. I like to let that dry. This is also an important step. For my skincare, I wait 60 seconds between each product application to really let my skin absorb the product properly."
Step Three: Vitamin C Serum
Orange You Clear Dark Spot Serum
SABii SKiNCARE
"Then, I like to go in with a vitamin C serum. That's also from my line, it's called Orange You Clear, which is like a cute little play on words. It's a gel serum, which I love. I love the way a gel cream applies."
Step Four: Collagen Gel
DHC Astaxanthin Collagen All-In-One Gel
DHC Care
"Once the serum's absorbed into my skin, I use this. It's a collagen all-in-one gel. Fun fact, collagen doesn't absorb into your skin topically, which I know, but I love the way that this feels, so I don't care."
Step Five: Moisturizer
Clinique Dramatically Different Moisturizing Lotion+
Clinique
"My morning time moisturizer is Clinique. Their Dramatically Different Moisturizing Lotion."
Step Six: Sunscreen
L'Oreal Paris Youth Code Day Lotion SPF 30
L'Oreal Paris
"My final step is a sunscreen. I have three sunscreens that are my favorite and I pick them differently depending on my mood that day. My number one favorite is this one. It has 30 SPF and is also a dark spot corrector. I just love the way it makes my skin glow.
"Sunscreen is always going to give you that extra glow factor. I think it's important to wear sunscreen because it locks in all the work you did before and it makes sure that the ingredients that you're using that are active to fight hyperpigmentation are allowed to work. So, without that, you're kind of stuck in the same place for a while."
Courtesy of Candice Sabiduría
Candice Sabiduría’s P.M. Skincare Routine Looks Like…
Step One: Double Cleanse
DHC Deep Cleansing Oil
DHC
"In my nighttime skin-care routine when it comes to cleansing, I like to double cleanse. Now, double cleansing, you can do it in so many different ways. I usually do two different ways of double cleansing depending on what my skin needs. The oil cleanser I use is Deep Cleansing Oil."
Once You Go Black Foaming Liquid Black Soap
SABii SKiNCARE
"Then, I usually go in with a non-moisturizing face wash, nothing that's like milky. You're not going to want to do that with double cleansing oil. The one that I like, I use either the Once You Go Black or recently start using this Urban Hydration Bright & Balanced Aloe Vera Leaf Face Wash. This is good, but I wouldn't recommend using this more than two or three times a week. The other way I like to do a double cleanse is, I'll do a non-moisturizing cleanser first. So, I'll usually use Once You Go Black, and then I'll add a cream cleanser."
Step Two: Toner
Jucii Drops Toner
SABii SKiNCARE
"Once I'm done with that, then I will pat my face dry and start my skincare prep. To start the skincare prep, I go in with my toner, which is Jucii Drops."
Step Three: Serum
Bouncii Serum
SABii SKiNCare
"I will sometimes I'll either do the Orange You Clear or I'll use my hyaluronic acid [from my line], which is Bouncii. I like using hyaluronic acid at night as well as in the morning, just because I feel like it gives my face that plump, I need. Especially if you do it at night, you see the results in the morning. So, I love that.
Step Four: Moisturizer
Versed Skincare Skin Soak Rich Moisture Cream
Versed Skincare
"For my moisturizers, the one I've been really liking is by Versed and it is their Skin Soak Rich Moisture Cream. It's for dryness and anti-aging. I like to go to bed with something thick on my face."
Step Five: Eye Cream
OLEHENRIKSEN Banana Bright Eye Crème
OLEHENRIKSEN
"I do use eye creams as well, but I don't use eye creams every day. When I do use eye creams, I never put them on the inner part of my eye. Your skin has pores that are very sensitive there. For most people, if you continuously put eye creams on the inner corners of your eyes, you're going to see acne flare-ups or enlarged pores, or inflammation in that area. So, I never recommend people do that. When I do use eye creams, it's usually in the morning.
"I like to use OLEHENRIKSEN, their Banana Bright Eye Crème. And also, I like to use this one. I have like dark circles. It has a little tint to it. I don't use a lot of this. This is a very thick eye cream. And again, don't put it on your inner eye because this a hundred percent will make my pores inflamed because it's just moisture overload."
Bonus Step: Face Mask
Avo Babii Exfoliate + Mask
SABii SKiNCARE
"I love doing face masks. I'm a face mask girl too. I love the avocado mask [from my line]. My favorite. It gives me the hydration I need. When I do my wash day, I put my mask on, and then I'm also in the tub and it gives me everything I need. It exfoliates my skin very gently. I have sensitive skin, so I'm not able to do the harsh exfoliations, even chemically. So, it gives me the new, fresh feeling that I need and it starts my week off perfectly."
For more of Candice, follow her on Instagram @candicesabiduria.
Featured image courtesy of Candice Sabiduría / Illustration by Kyra Jay
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As I quickly ran down my “Christmas list” of desires, as I came towards the end and then looked him in the eyes (because we were walking), he calmly and simply said, “I can be that.” Chile…CHILE. It took me close to a year of discovering so many cryptic things about him for me to realize that there is a really big difference between what someone “can be” vs. who they actually are — and that oversharing can set you up for dating a character more than a genuine individual. Lesson learned. Lesson freakin’ learned.
I can’t lie, though — when I recently read about a current dating trend known as “floodlighting,” from my own personal experience, that’s probably the closest that I’ve ever come to it. I think it’s because, since I’m so open with damn near everyone and also, since my past pattern has mostly consisted of taking friendships into something more (as opposed to dating people who I barely know), I’ve never really taken the classic floodlighting approach to try and connect with someone else.
I do have clients who have, though — and the trend is concerning enough that I definitely thought that it was worth writing about; mostly as a PSA to not floodlight and also to be cautious if you sense that someone is currently in the process of trying to floodlight you.
And just what do I mean when I say that? Read on, sis. Read on.
Floodlighting. According to Author Brené Brown.
GiphyBest-selling author, podcaster, and professor Brené Brown is a pretty popular person. Since quotes are my thing, that’s probably how I “connect” with her most because I like things that she has been credited for saying like “Maybe stories are just data with a soul,” “The dark does not destroy the light; it defines it” and “Shame corrodes the very part of us that believes we are capable of change.”
And since self-reflection is such a big part of her platform, it didn’t really surprise me when I found out that she is actually credited for coming up with the term “floodlighting.” It would seem that in her audiobook, The Power of Vulnerability: Teachings of Authenticity, Connections, and Courage, she stated this:
“Oversharing? Not vulnerability; I call it floodlighting. ... A lot of times we share too much information as a way to protect us from vulnerability, and here's why.
I'm scared to let you know that I just wrote this article and I'm under total fire for it and people are making fun of me and I'm feeling hurt — the same thing that I told someone in an intimate conversation. So what I do is I floodlight you with it — I don't know you very well or I'm in front of a big group, or it's a story that I haven't processed enough to be sharing with other people — and you immediately respond ‘hands up; push me away’ and I go, ‘See? No one cares about me. No one gives a s*** that I'm hurting. I knew it.'
It's how we protect ourselves from vulnerability. We just engage in a behavior that confirms our fear.”
If that was a bit challenging to follow, what Brené is basically saying is…well, you know how sometimes you will watch a post on social media by someone you don’t know, your first reaction is something like “Ugh. TMI.” and then you may actually say some form of that in their comment section? If others join in with your sentiment, the poster may follow up with a second video about that being why they don’t share their lives — it’s because people only take shots at them for doing so. Yeah, social media? Oh, there is PLENTY of floodlighting that goes on up in there, chile.
Okay, but what would be the strategy for floodlighting if it proves to be such a risky approach to connecting with other people? According to Brené, by sharing too much information about ourselves only to then receive some level of rejection for it — it’s kind of a “hurt you before you hurt me” kind of thing.
Meaning, “I’m not the best at cultivating intimacy and so, if I overshare and you pull back, I can make you be the ‘bad guy’ for rejecting me which makes all of this a test that you failed instead of my choosing to create an authentic connection and owning my part if things don’t end up working out.”
And yes, many people do this because, at the end of the day, they aren’t very comfortable with genuine intimacy. They also do it because they don’t really get that, when it comes to intimacy, another word should be the goal instead of vulnerability anyway.
I’ll explain.
It’s Important to Remember What Vulnerability Means
GiphyAsk pretty much any of my clients about what I think about the word “vulnerable” when it comes to marriage and they’ll tell you that I am not a fan. That’s because I lean into being pretty word-literal (as far as original definitions go) and I am aware that vulnerable means things like “capable of or susceptible to being attacked, damaged, or hurt,” “open to moral attack, criticism, temptation, etc.”
And y’all, for the life of me, I don’t know why anyone would choose to vow to spend their lives with an individual who they would need to be vulnerable with because, if your partner is susceptible to damaging you or they leave you open to attack or temptation — does that sound healthy to you? Yeah, me neither.
So, what word do I prefer then? Dependent. And what’s so wild to me is the fact that our culture is so used to the word “vulnerable” that many, even when it comes to their close connections, are far more uncomfortable with the word “dependent” — and boy, ain’t that a damn shame. Dependent is all that I want to be with my intimate dynamics because that’s all about “relying on someone or something else for aid, support, etc.” — and that is what you should do with your closest friends and definitely who you are in a romantic relationship with.
In fact, if the relationship is solid, it should be interdependent: “mutually dependent; depending on each other.” However, the thing to keep in mind with getting to the point where you can rely on someone is it takes time. While vulnerability, on some levels, can be rushed and semi-forced, dependency is an organic experience that occurs from life simply…happening.
Now keep all of this in mind as we explore how floodlighting reveals itself in a dating situation.
Floodlighting. When It Comes to Dating.
GiphyOnce I processed floodlighting, as far as dating is concerned, it actually made me think of people who have sex very quickly in the beginning of a relationship. I’m pretty sure that at least 70 percent of us know of someone who has raved about a person who they’ve only gone out on a couple of dates with. However, because they’ve already had sex with them and it was really good, suddenly, they believe that they’ve met the one.
Y’all, it truly can’t be said enough that “an oxytocin high” does not true intimacy make — oh, but because it feels amazing, it can have you out here thinking that something lasting and real has transpired when really, there hasn’t been enough moments shared or experiences had to know that for sure. However, since the sex was rushed, it can cause you to want to speed up the relationship too. It can tempt you to be like, “I mean, if we’re great in bed, surely we will be amazing in other rooms of the house too.” Floodlighting is a lot like this.
If you meet someone and you like the potential of what it could be, you might be tempted to want to, like Brené said in her book: OVERSHARE. It could be oversharing as it relates to some personal traumas that you’ve experienced. It could be oversharing as it relates to intimate details about your past relationships. It could be oversharing as it relates to your mistakes and flaws. It could be oversharing as it relates to your sex life. It could be oversharing as it relates to all of the expectations and demands (along with why) that you have.
The reason for doing this? It could be that you’re hoping the person will take it all in without any pushback which will cause you to believe that you both are immediately on the same page or it could be that you are attempting to fast-track the relationship by believing that if you share all of who you are during date one or two (or even four), they will do the same and — ding — an instant relationship.
See, more than anything else, floodlighting is a test. It’s a bit manipulative. It’s potentially stressful. And, more times than not, it ends up backfiring. And then, if it backfires, because it was a test, you can blame them for not rising up to the occasion.
Please tell me that you get how toxic this all is. For one thing, no one wants to be tested like this. Secondly, it’s unfair to expect someone to be “all in” with a person who they are just getting to know. Third, you have layers to you — all of us do — and it can be overwhelming for someone to be expected to learn, retain, and even accept all of the layers at once. Yeah, one thing that I like about the term floodlighting is it has the word “flood” in it. Water? We’re made up of mostly water, so of course, it’s good for us. Being flooded by water, though? That could harm or even destroy us.
In many ways, trying to force intimacy onto another person…it manifests in a similar way. Of course, you should share what makes you…you. A bit at a time, though, while letting time do its thing. Too much too soon is…exactly that.
How to Cultivate Healthy Intimacy in the Beginning Stages of a Relationship
GiphySo, what are some things that you can do to avoid being a floodlighter?
See your intel as privileged information.
Everything about you is special and special things should be earned. That said, as you get to know someone, OVER TIME, you’ll be able to see if they can be trusted with your thoughts, feelings and ultimately your heart — and no, that can’t happen on the first couple of dates. Y’all, it really can’t be said enough that instant chemistry doesn’t mean that intimacy should be expected to happen overnight.
In other words, just because you see the potential for something awesome with another person, that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t wait to see if the individual’s words and actions, consistently so, can complement the elation that you feel. Share a little. See how they respond. At another time, share a little bit more. See how they react. Rinse and repeat. Patiently and intentionally so.
Stop trying to pull stuff out of people.
There are all kinds of ways to be manipulating and controlling — and deciding that someone should move at your pace in a relationship is a way to be both things. In other words, not everyone is emotionally unavailable or immature simply because they don’t want to share every childhood experience or their relationship stories with you by date three.
No doubt, a lot of people self-sabotage something that could’ve been good because they were rushing someone to move outside of their comfort zone — knowing damn well that they would’ve had a problem with that if the shoe was on the other foot. Chill…what someone wants to tell you, they will. If they don’t? All you can — and should — do is decide if you want to move forward or not. That doesn’t require force on your part to come to that conclusion.
Nervousness is one thing. Being fearful is something else.
If the reason why you’re floodlighting is because you’re scared that people will not accept you or that they will abandon you, it really is best to put dating aside for a season and get into some therapy. Because, while being nervous about a potentially new relationship is completely understandable, being afraid of organic intimacy and then doing things that can hinder or prevent it is something completely different.
Put the tests away.
Listen, if you recall the tests that you took back in school, I have no clue why you’d want to put others through tests now that you’re a big-time adult. Tests are stressful, pressuring and sometimes, no matter how smart you are, you’re not going to perform well on them because you’re simply not a good test-taker (some of y’all will catch that later). There’s no need to “test” someone to see if they can take all of who you are. Again, time will reveal that on its own.
___
Personally, I think that floodlighting is so common that folks don’t even realize that they’re doing it or how problematic it actually is. Hopefully, this helps to shed some light.
Vulnerability tests? Uh-uh.
Seeing if someone can be depended on to care for you as you are? Relax. Time. Will. Reveal.
Now go on your date(s) and have fun. Damn. #winkLet’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Featured image by zamrznutitonovi/Getty Images