The legend James Brown once said, "This is a man's world, but it would be nothing without a woman or a girl."
Since JB declared that statement in his 1966 hit, it's not just a man's world anymore. While women have been and are still the minority in many industries, we are are increasing in numbers and are making impressive strides in male-dominated industries. However, despite our triumphs, we still struggle at times. Because it can be difficult to demonstrate our leadership skills while maintaining our femininity and sense of self, we sometimes struggle when working in spaces where males are the majority.
We recently caught up with four girl bosses from varied professions, and they shared their biggest tips on affirming and empowering themselves in male-dominated industries - high heels and all. Click through the gallery below.
1.Sheridan Labbé
What She Does:
Forrmer Director of Marketing for the Fort Bend Chamber of Commerce, Founder of Southern Kouture
What She Says:
"I believe that you should always maintain your femininity in whatever respect that means. Do not feel like you have to tone down who you are or be someone you're not. Your employer hired you because of who you are, not someone who they are forcing you to be (or who you think they want you to be). [To me] femininity means different things for every woman, and you should be comfortable in your own femininity and own it. If your boss wanted to hire someone else, they would have. They hired you because of the diverse perspectives you can bring to the table. My advice?
"Be a boss babe and bring your light, amazing hustle, and energy to every space you occupy."
2.Marquetta Moore
What She Does:
Director of Music & Celebrity Relations at REVOLT TV
What She Says:
"One challenge that I have faced and have overcome is making sure that my voice is always heard. I know my job better than anyone else at the table, which is why I am there, so I had to learn to not let my suggestions be swept to the side. I have affirmed myself as a leader by remaining consistent and truthful, and always standing by my beliefs."
"As women, our femininity is maintained by being who we individually are."
"Every woman's feminine side is expressed differently, and it is unique to the individual, which is why it is important to always be yourself."
Her Advice To Boss Women:
- Always speak up, no matter who is in the room. Your opinion matters!
- Maintain a healthy work/life balance.
- Find your tribe of sisters and cherish them. You will keep each other going when things seem impossible.
3.Sherita Nzali
What She Does:
Experienced HR professional, working in Silicon Valley
What She Says:
"My strength is that I am okay with being me. I am very clear on what type of leader I want to be and how I want people to see me in the workplace. I think sometimes we get in our own heads when it comes to what leadership should look like. My perspective is, find out what works for you and own it!"
"When you're comfortable in your own skin, it's hard for people to knock you off your square."
"While Corporate America certainly is male-dominated, I don't see male leaders or coworkers as roadblocks, I see someone who has a different perspective or someone I'd like to collaborate with on a project. Mutual respect goes a long way and when I'm challenged by a male leader or coworker, I take the same approach as I would with anyone."
Her Advice To Boss Women:
- Don't try to think like a man. Embrace your femininity and think like a woman; that, in itself, is powerful.
- Be confident, but don't fake it. Get to know yourself and get comfortable in that space. Whether you are truly confident or "pending" confident, people will listen to you and they will have expectations that you can deliver. If you plan to keep your brand intact, you must deliver – so be prepared.
- Be self-compassionate. It's important to know your strengths and areas of opportunity. It's also important to actively work on those growth areas – and forgive yourself when you're not quite there.
- Be a champion – for yourself AND other women. Celebrate others' accomplishments and put the practice of shade aside.
4.Brittney Hill
What She Does:
Transformational HR Operations Leader
What She Says:
"An organization I once worked with was not only predominantly male, but also more senior in age. Admittedly, at first, I questioned myself a lot thinking, 'How do I get them to see me?' Not only see me as an equal, but also see me as an individual that is able to provide value of substance."
"At the time, the organization was in transformation and growth mode, which presented the opportunity for me to assist in strategic projects. So I took this challenge as an opportunity to demonstrate my capabilities and values, in spite of my gender and age. I was able to lead and implement a series of strategic initiatives that gave me attention, which helped me gain credibility."
"I believe there is a constant battle when you are the minority in gender and age, fighting to be an equal at the table, especially when alignment of management is needed for consensus to move the organization forward. But instead of feeling defeated and accepting that I was seen as inferior, I persisted. I soon realized my competence and my confidence in myself was my greatest asset in gaining confidence by my peers, superiors, and company as a whole."
"Through the years, I've maintained my femininity by displaying to my peers and leaders that I don't have to take on the role of a male in order to be a valued contributor. I always celebrate my values and what I bring to the table as a female, and see those as strengths."
"I don't conform by participating in male-driven discussions or activities, if it borders on the loss of who I am and compromises me as a respectable, professional female."
"It's important for females like myself and others to remember not to play into the good ol' boy segment. When you think the only way to survive and advance is to start playing into the good ol' boy network, then you've lost your feminine identity to become one of them. Find a way to celebrate your femininity and use every opportunity to ensure that other people around you understand that you approach things with the professional views of being a female."
How do YOU maintain your femininity in a male-dominated workplace? Share your tips below!
- Women in Male-Dominated Industries and Occupations | Catalyst ›
- Women who succeed in male-dominated careers are often seen ... ›
- Women in Male-Dominated Careers — Cornell HR Review ›
- Success Tips For Women In A Male-Dominated Industry ›
- Women in male-dominated industries - what it's like to experience ... ›
- 10 Powerful Ways Woman Can Succeed in a Male-Dominated World ›
- The Skills You Need As A Woman In A Male Dominated Industry | Time ›
- 30 Women Who Have Revolutionized A Male-Dominated Industry ... ›
RELATED
One day, I might really get into just how actually evil that is (because sex is never supposed to be a bribe in a relationship). For now, though, I want to talk about how motives reveal oh so very much when it comes to physical (and even emotional) intimacy. Hmph. It reminds me of one of my favorite quotes on the topic of motives: “People’s behavior makes sense when you think about it in terms of goals, needs, and motives.” An author by the name of Thomas Mann said that, and indeed it does because, when you are doing something merely to get your way, that is a form of manipulation or control.
On the other hand, when you’re doing it merely for the holistic pleasure of doing so — that is when you are experiencing intimacy in the way that it was intended to be.
So, when it comes to your personal motive for sex, what is it really all about?
What Are You Really Hoping to Get Out of Sex?
When It Comes to Your ‘What’, You Always Need to Know Your WHY
GiphyOh, I’ve got some more motives quotes for you. Psychologist Albert Ellis once said, “People have motives and thoughts of which they are unaware.” Author Paul David Trip once said, “We rarely do anything with one single motive.” It’s pretty ironic that actor Chris Noth (because if you know, you know) once said, “Since women ask me about male motives all the time, I can offer a bit of advice. If you feel like you're going to get hurt, then you shouldn't be there in the first place. That's the way I look at relationships.”
Now, before I attempt to build on these quotes, let’s first look at a very basic definition of motive:
Motive: a reason for doing something, especially one that is hidden or not obvious
Did you catch that? Oftentimes, when someone is moving based on a motive, the reason is hidden. Is it just me or does that sound semi-sneaky or opportunistic, right off the bat? Interestingly enough, some synonyms for motive include grounds, basis and root. All of those words make me think of the foundation of something. So, since we are talking about sex, specifically, today — before you decide to sleep with someone, you really should ask yourself what your foundational reason is and, if you’re choosing not to share it with said-partner…why is that?
Pick Your Top 3 Motives, Then Reflect
Let’s keep going. Some other synonyms for motive include aim; emotion; idea; impulse; intent; motivation; passion; rationale; occasion; incentive; consideration, and inspiration. Aight, so here’s another thing to ponder — out of these 12 words, select your top three that “connect the dots” as it relates to your motive (or motives). It could be that you feel passion for him, your intent is to show him that and, since you’ve been dating for a hot minute, you think that it’s the right occasion. In this case, what’s shady or opportunistic about that?
If that is indeed your motive, it would fall less into the “hidden” category and more in the “not obvious” once you really thought it through. On the other hand, if it’s more like you aim to have sex, because your rationale is to get some sort of incentive out of it — do you see how that’s totally different? And if indeed that is the case, WHY do you think that is okay?
Sex Is Not A Transaction — It’s An Exchange
I’m telling you, if there is one thing that I damn near loathe is how transactional sex sounds these days: “Unless you’re going to pay my bills, I’m not going to give you any.” What in the world? Listen, I don’t care how unpopular the opinion may be, sometimes — hell, oftentimes — the truth isn’t popular and the truth about copulation is IT IS AN EVEN EXCHANGE. No one should be paying you for it. He got pleasure, you got pleasure. Over and out. And if that isn’t happening, either there is more communication that needs to be going on (which is just one of the reasons why I’m not a fan of faking orgasms) or there is something “off” when it comes to you and your partner.
Whatever the case may be, before engaging in physical intimacy with someone, it’s beyond wise to spend some time getting really honest with yourself about what your motives truly are — because how we start something oftentimes sets the tone for the experience overall. Indeed, motives are a lot like cause and effect — they play a significantly profound role in determining the outcome of matters.
Real Compatibility Includes Mutual Motives
Sexual Compatibility Includes Having Mutual Motives
GiphyOkay, so now that we’ve discussed motives, in general — say that your motives are pure (and you are being really honest with yourself about that). You’re not hiding anything because there is nothing to hide. You simply feel so connected to someone that you are motivated and inspired to take things to another level.
Well, that’s where author Lebo Grand and something that he once said comes in: “Sensuality is the purest motive that exists on earth.” When something is sensual, it gratifies the senses. When something is sensual, it arouses the appetite — and yes, when you want to be intimate with someone, simply because you want to get closer to them, there is something that is very sweet, very sincere and even pure — in the sense of being authentic and real — about that.
If that is your motive, share that with your partner. If that is also his motive, then it’s time to get into what the mutual motives of what a healthy sexual relationship should be: pleasure, joy and satisfaction. Y’all, something else that messes many couples up is there is so much focus on what they want to get out of sex that they fail to fully tune in and tap into their partner — and that is unfortunate. You know why? Because it has been both my experience as well as my observation that when both people are totally invested in making sure that their partner is sexually satisfied both individuals end up feeling gratified and quenched. Yeah, a selfish motive rarely brings contentment like a selfless one does — and you can take that to the bank!
And that is why, although I think that sexual compatibility is important, you’d be amazed how much clear communication, patience and selflessness can “get you there” if sex seems awkward at first. Again, if the motives are right, goodness can come from it, even if it takes a bit of time and effort to get there.
When Your Sexual Motives Shift, Say Something
If Your Motives Shift, You Need to Speak Up
GiphyFinal point. It is the Greek philosopher Heraclitus who once said, “Change is the only constant in life” and this applies to every aspect of it — including sex. That said, some of you may recall back when I wrote an article entitled, “BDE: Please Let The 'It Needs To Be Huge' Myth Go.” The wife who I featured in that piece, we were recently talking about it and how she remains 10 toes down about the fact that a “big one” ain’t all it’s cracked up to be if the man who owns it is attached to a huge ego and not much else.
When I asked her to reflect on how much of her dissatisfaction was — and kinda still is — about him vs. who she now is as a person, she admitted that so much of who she is has changed from when they first got together. She’s older and so her hormones have shifted. She has spiritually evolved and so a profound emotional connection is more desired. She knows herself better and so she has some sexual needs that she never had before. And so, her motives have shifted from pretty much just having a good time (only) to longing for something…deeper.
This isn’t abnormal; many people go through this. Thing is, instead of being forthcoming with their partner, they would rather have them pick up on hints or, even worse, attempt to read their mind. Yeah, that’s not how effective communication works, y’all — if your motives for sex have changed, you’ve got to say something. Otherwise, you’re going to end up frustrated or unfulfilled…and honestly, your partner probably will too because if you are different and you don’t share it, eventually there will be a “disconnect” (and not just in the bedroom).
____
As I bring this to a close, take a moment to circle back to the first motive quote that I shared in the intro (“People’s behavior makes sense when you think about it in terms of goals, needs and motives.”). Whatever your sex life is like right now, what are your goals, needs and motives? What are his?
Figure that out and you’ll better understand where you’re at and, if you don’t like it, how to get to where you want to be.
It all begins with the right motives, sis. It really and truly does.
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Featured image by Giphy