During the 2024 Emmy Awards, Niecy Nash delivered an inspiring acceptance speech that left the audience in awe. She declared the best investment one can make is in themselves, leading to the greatest decision she ever made. This statement resonates with many of us as we strive to achieve our goals and dreams. As a Black woman in Hollywood or corporate America, navigating the workplace can be overwhelming. Like any journey, there are ebbs and flows. However, it's important to remember that you are not alone.
Women in the workplace face unique challenges that can make it difficult to lead in their most authentic way. Fortunately, there are individuals like Odessa "OJ" Jenkins, the CEO of Bonfire Women, who are taking on the challenge of cultivating a more inclusive, supportive, and winning workplace culture.
As a trailblazer for women in football and the founder of The Women's Football Club, OJ is a Hall of Famer, a 7x National Champion, a 2x USA Football Team captain, and a 3x Team USA Gold Medalist. The football champion spoke with xoNecoleto provide critical tools and insights for both aspiring leaders and experienced professionals. She emphasizes the importance of being paid your worth and establishing best practices to receive proper recognition, especially in the face of adversity.
Because remember, it's your season to win!
xoNecole: What three lessons would you impart to women who strive to redefine success in the workplace so it won't crush their souls?
Odessa Jenkins: First, remind yourself that success is within you, not something that gets defined for you. Once you can answer the question, 'What do I want?' defining success becomes easier. It's not what the world wants for you, but what do you want?
Secondly, lose fear and ask for what you need and want. I think the idea for many women is that we are afraid. We limit ourselves because we haven't achieved or don't see ourselves in certain positions. We're afraid to be the first. We're afraid to make mistakes. Just lose all fear and ask for what you need and want.
Lastly, to realize the power of a woman. Realize that you have, as a result of being a woman in the world, experienced adversity like no one else has. That you have the power to multiply like no one else does inherently. Lean in on those very real powers to get ahead in the workplace and the world.
Courtesy
xoN: Have you ever been in a position that has crushed your soul?
OJ: I don't think I've ever had my soul crushed because I don't think I've ever let the world have that much of me. I have been disappointed, both disappointed in myself and in the system. I can think of moments in my career where I didn't go after something I knew I could have achieved because I didn't see a person like me doing it. I can admit there are times when I let someone talk me out of taking a risk because they were afraid and not because I was.
Then there are moments, and continue to be, where I can see progress in the system. I can see sisters getting opportunities at work and the face of work and industries changing. But I also see this war on inclusion happening because things are changing in the workplace, and opportunities are becoming more equitable. While I get excited about that, I'm also still very disappointed in it.
xoN: In a recent interview, you stated, "Nothing has prepared me for executive leadership more than my time as an athlete and coach." Why is that?
OJ: Adversity and resilience. When you are an athlete and grow up as a team sport athlete, you get reminded over and over of two things: your role and your responsibility. So you get transparent about accountability. But you also get challenged daily, build courage, and build resilience. You practice it. You practice what would happen if things got harder for you; how would you overcome them?
Sports is uniquely positioned in that. How often do you get to practice what happens if something doesn't go your way, and then you get to redo it? It's not something that most people get to do. Usually, you study, take the test, fail or pass, and then move on to the next test. Well, sports isn't that way.
Instead, you practice, learn, engage with your team, and learn how to communicate. You practice the failure, you practice the success, you practice what happens if you don't, you practice having a tie. I believe those things build resilience and courage in you that are useful as a woman in executive leadership. If you are going to be particularly a woman of color in the leadership ranks in today's workplace, you must have abundant resilience and courage because you are usually sitting in virtual rooms where you are the only one.
xoN: Absolutely! And how important do you think it is in promoting transparency and vulnerability in leadership?
OJ: Transparency equals trust, and gaining trust amongst your team is critical to success because you can't know what to do with your resources, wins, losses, or plans. It's a tool you must have and always use in your toolbox as a leader. The vulnerability comes in waves. You need to know when and how it's comfortable for you to be vulnerable. You have to know what the right level of vulnerability is for you. Generally, if you're vulnerable, other people are vulnerable too. It creates this very brave and safe space, and that's how you get stuff done as a leader.
Courtesy
xoN: As an executive leader in coaching and helping equip women for success, what are some common challenges you've witnessed women overcome in breaking down the boys' club in corporate leadership?
OJ: One of the first things you must do to break down some of these work barriers and unlock opportunities at work is to start with yourself—the willingness to go outside your comfort zone. To know when and how to share your opinions and points of view to create influence and allyship, even when you're not in the room.
But then it starts with not going at it alone. How are you networking? How are you creating a community around you? What does the sisterhood and brotherhood look like for you at work? How intentional are you being about that? That is another way to unlock it. Also, unlocking the door is one thing, but propping it open and leaving a ladder when you get there is another. I'd be remiss not to say I think things would move faster for women in the workplace if some women would get out of the way. We have to be intentional about making space and creating equity for other women and be unapologetic about it.
xoN: Can you offer negotiation tips to help women reach their salary potential and minimize pay equity?
OJ: Do your research, and don't be afraid to ask. There are a lot of tools online, but there are also a lot of tools in your network. Also, know your number. A lot of people don't know what their number is. Please don't make it mathematical because it's not about asking for 10% more than you thought, than you were offered, or some arbitrary thing. If you are familiar with the work and have researched, then figure out the right number post-offer that will make you feel valued. Not right now, not yesterday, but for doing this job for the next 12 months.
And there's nothing wrong with negotiating. It is table stakes for having a conversation. It's something that should be expected. If you have an employer who finds it offensive that you've negotiated your salary or are willing to share your value, you're probably talking to the wrong employer.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for daily love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Feature image by courtesy
RELATED
It's easy for couples to fall into a routine, going through the motions and letting their connection sit on autopilot. While comfort is natural in a long-term relationship, it’s important to remember: that what you don’t nurture, eventually fades. So, why not make 2025 the year you reset your relationship? Here’s how to start the year with a renewed bond, reigniting the spark that brought you together.
Step 1: Schedule Your Reset Meeting
The first step to hitting the reset button is a State of the Union meeting with your partner. This is your chance to take a pulse on the relationship, discuss what's working, and identify areas that need attention. It’s all about creating space to reflect, without distractions.
Grab a pen and paper (or open a shared note on your phone) and come prepared to share your top 2-3 desires for your relationship.
What do you both want to feel more of in 2025? Maybe it’s feeling more appreciated, or perhaps you want to reignite the passion you had when you first started dating. Whatever it is, get clear about it, and make sure both of you are on the same page.
This isn’t just about listing your own wants, it’s also about discussing ways to nurture each other’s needs. Relationship goals should be focused on fostering deeper intimacy, trust, and mutual respect. Use this time to check in, not only with each other but with your individual feelings and expectations. Set the foundation for a fulfilling year ahead.
Alistair Berg/Getty ImagesStep 2: Set A Date (Or Multiple!)
Having the meeting is only the first step. Now, it’s time to take action. One of the simplest ways to breathe new life into a relationship is by reintroducing consistent, intentional time spent together. For many couples, life gets busy, and date nights fall by the wayside. But dating doesn’t stop when you say "I do"—in fact, it’s even more essential.
During your reset meeting, lock in a regular date night that works for both of your schedules. This could be a weekly dinner date or an every-other-week adventure—whatever keeps things fresh. The goal is consistency. It’s easy to push date nights aside when life gets hectic, but if you set a specific date each week or month, you’re making your relationship a priority.
If you’re unsure what to do for your date nights, don’t worry! The key is creating new experiences together. This is what sparks excitement and brings you closer as a couple. Whether it’s cooking a new recipe together, trying a dance class, or exploring a nearby town, it’s about creating shared memories that build your connection.
Getty ImagesStep 3: Find an Accountability Partner
Just like you might have a personal trainer to help you crush your fitness goals, an accountability partner for your relationship can do wonders for keeping both of you on track. Consider hiring a marriage coach or therapist—someone who can meet you where you are and guide you in strengthening your relationship.
When selecting a professional, it’s important to choose someone who truly wants the best for your marriage and can provide actionable advice.
Don’t be afraid to set high standards for your relationship, and seek guidance on how to keep it thriving for the long haul. In your reset meeting, discuss your commitment to growth, and be honest about areas where you may need support.
Marriage isn’t a set-it-and-forget-it endeavor—it’s an ongoing process. Regular check-ins with a professional can help keep your relationship in tip-top shape and “divorce-proof” by addressing issues before they become insurmountable.
DMP/ Getty ImagesStep 4: Try Something New Together
Stale routines can easily make a relationship feel monotonous. Spice things up by trying something new! Couples that explore new activities and create new memories together have stronger, more fulfilling bonds.
My husband and I host one of the top luxury marriage retreats, A Weekend For Love, designed to help couples experience new things together. From couples' workshops to outdoor adventures, the retreat provides a platform to rediscover each other and reconnect on a deeper level.
The element of surprise can reignite your connection. It’s exciting, fresh, and shows your partner that you’re committed to growing together. This doesn’t have to be a huge commitment—it could be as simple as trying a new hobby or planning an impromptu weekend getaway.
Your Relationship Should Be A Priority
As you start the year with personal goals in mind, don’t forget the importance of nurturing your relationship. It’s easy to get caught up in work, fitness, and family obligations, but your bond with your partner deserves to be at the top of your list. Resetting your relationship offers an opportunity to reignite that spark and remind each other why you fell in love in the first place.
In 2025, make a commitment to prioritize your partnership, to nurture it daily, and to invest in its growth. Take time to celebrate each other’s victories, support one another’s dreams, and build a foundation of love and respect. When you start the year with a clear focus on your relationship, you’re setting it up for success.
So, before you start mapping out your new workout plan or work goals, do yourself a favor: put your relationship at the top of that list. Your love story deserves a fresh start, too.
Happy New Year, and here’s to a love-filled 2025!
Couples, if you are ready to do the work and invest in your relationship register for A Weekend For Love: Heart Retreat Feb 21-23, 2025.
Featured image by zamrznutitonovi/Getty Images
Take partner, for example. People who are engaged in the same activity are considered to be partners. Those who dance and/or play together are considered to be partners. Individuals who are engaged in a romantic relationship are considered to be partners. Folks who are on the same side are considered to be partners. And yes, another word for spouse is — wait for it — partner. So, what in the world is wrong with the word “partner” as it relates to marriage? According to the dictionary, absolutely nothing — and I’ll go with that resource over some bitter TikToker any day of the week.
Thankfully, not all of social media is lost when it comes to knowing the meaning and origin of words. Take one of my favorite platforms, Beleaf in Fatherhood, for instance. Although I have watched this Black family-friendly platform for a few years now, Glen’s post last month that was entitled, “Why I Left YouTube and Moved To A Farm,” reminded me that one of the things I enjoy so much about the channel is how “word intentional” everyone on there tends (or at least tries) to be.
This definitely includes when Glen also recently posted a video entitled, “She Has to Make Home Cooked Meals in the Hotel Room” — one that pretty much praised his wife for close to 12 minutes straight. In it, he said something that let me know that he knew exactly what he was saying — and why.
And y’all, if you’re someone who happens to be married, I think the same word could really breathe new life (and perspective) into your marriage as well. That is, if you allow it to.
Married Couples Aren’t Always Gonna Agree…And That Is Okay. Beneficial, Even.
GiphyAt the end of this article, I will post the second video that I just referred to, mostly because I think it’s a beautiful thing to watch for yourself. However, the main thing that Glen said that inspired this post is, as he was paying attention to all of the steps that his wife was taking to make not-just-any-ole’ pancakes for the family vs. what his method would probably be, he said, “Although we don’t agree, we are aligned.”
Listen. LISTEN. As someone who’s been working with married couples for two decades at this point, that got me right in the gut. Lawd, how I wish that more people would get that a healthy marriage doesn’t mean that you always have to AGREE (have the same views or emotions about things)…the goal should be to make sure that you always remain ALIGNED, though.
And why shouldn’t agreement be the main priority? To me, I look at agreement in a marriage a lot like I look at perfectionism for individuals — it’s simply unrealistic. Just because you selected someone to “do life with” or, as Scripture calls it (Genesis 2:24-25), “become one” with, that doesn’t mean that you and your spouse are identical — and that alone means that the two of you will not agree all of the time.
In fact, there is plenty of science out here that says that disagreements and conflict can be good for your personal and relational development because they can do the following things:
- Conflict can help you see things from another perspective
- Conflict can teach you how to become a better listener
- Conflict can show you where you need to brush up on your communication skills
- Conflict can help you to master controlling your emotions (and your tongue)
- Conflict can show you how to set and respect boundaries
- Conflict can reveal where you need to show humility (like when to apologize, for example)
- Conflict can help you to become a better problem solver
- Conflict can teach you the art of negotiation and compromise
- Conflict can show you how to see the bigger picture
- Conflict can reveal where you need to mature and evolve as a person
Yeah, anyone who thinks that a relationship should be conflict-free is not only someone who is living in a dream world; they also tend to be a great example of where I am coming from when I say, “Many people are not looking for a PARTNER; they are looking for an AUDIENCE.” Meaning, that they don’t want someone who is going to help them, sometimes through conflicts and disagreements, to become a better individual; they simply want a “yes” person who is going to go along with what they say all of the time. SMDH.
Okay, but what about another Scripture that asks, “Can two walk together, unless they are agreed?” (Amos 3:3 — NKJV)
Good question, and to that, I will say, if you’re in a serious relationship and you’re considering getting married soon, you mostly definitely need to be in agreement when it comes to some core things like your value systems; how you see family; if you have similar goals and insights when it comes to finances; if you esteem marriage in the same way; boundaries that need to be set with each other and other people (including and sometimes especially family); how a household should be ran; if you see the future in a similar way and honestly, if you’re on similar pages about religion/faith (or at least can you live in harmony if your belief systems are different — check out “6 Things To Consider Before Getting Into An Interfaith Relationship”).
By ignoring how important it is to have similar views on matters as big as these, you can end up being in unnecessary conflict — and yes, as much as a home can start off in peace and with a sense of harmony, the better. After all, “until death parts us” is a really (REALLY) long time.
Beyond that, though, again, it’s okay to not always agree. The goal, instead, should be alignment.
Let’s explore the difference for a bit.
You Can Disagree in a Productive Way…When Your Ultimate Goal Is to Be ALIGNED
GiphyI wouldn’t be surprised at all if the only time when you actually hear about alignment is when folks are talking about the universe or planets (which basically means that they appear to bein a straight line). However, when it comes to what we are discussing today, when two people are aligned, alignment means “to bring into cooperation or agreement with a particular group, party, cause, etc.” In other words, being aligned doesn’t “just happen” — mutual effort is required.
That’s actually why I like the word so much because, literally, cooperate means “to work or act together or jointly for a common purpose or benefit.”
Yep, when married folks want a peaceful dynamic, they strive to cooperate with one another for the sake of a common purpose or benefit…even if there are some disagreements along the way. And, in order to do that, they have to remember how important it is to be aligned with one another — and then be willing to put in the necessary effort.
And how does that transpire? Well, here are some synonyms for align that particularly stand out to me:
1. Ally:
Allies “unite formally,” and boy, are there times when I wonder if my clients are allies or enemies. SMDH. When two individuals have both decided that, no matter what, they are going to stand as a united front, they really can get through just about anything. Period.
2. Troubleshoot:
How cool is it that “troubleshoot” is a synonym for align? I adore that because troubleshooting is all about discovering ways to eliminate problems or malfunctions — yes, even in a relationship. And here’s the thing about troubleshooting: oftentimes, you have to be willing to try several different approaches and methods, all the while BEING PATIENT until you find what works for the both of you or for the problem overall…even if that means following your spouse when you would prefer to do your own thing (follow is another synonym, by the way).
3. Adjust:
People who can make adjustments are people who are flexible; they are not so rigid in their way of thinking that they aren’t willing to shift in order to reach a common goal. So many people can’t make their marriage work or last due to this one necessary skill alone.
4. Accommodate:
One of my favorite definitions of accommodate is “to make suitable.” When you watch the video of Yvette making the pancakes for her family, because they are in a hotel in Mexico, she has to make some accommodations, i.e., make some adjustments, in order to get the job done. Would it be easier at home? Yes, yet the objective is to do her best with what she has. Mature individuals get that this should be the ultimate objective of marriage too. Be willing to make accommodations. Again, mutually so.
5. Sympathize:
“Sharing in the feelings” of your partner is what sympathizing is all about. Hmph. You’d be amazed by how much peace can come to a stressful situation if both people are simply willing to understand how the other individual feels about it — and then validate that emotion.
6. Mend:
“Mend” is such a bomb word for marriage. That’s because mending is about making things whole, repairing what’s been damaged, removing defects, making progress, and setting things right. I know far too many people who married conflict-makers instead of menders. Singles, if you are tiptoeing in on this, if you are not with someone who displays very clear “mending” characteristics — you need to totally reconsider the relationship. TRUST ME.
7. Improve:
I adore this word as well because Glen said that although he and Yvette may not always have the same views or emotions on things (agree) because they are aligned, they seek out how to improve matters and each other — and improve means “to bring into a more desirable or excellent condition.” You know what this means? Sometimes, a disagreement, when done well, can actually make things better than before.
When mutual respect, patience, and a desire to make things even “more excellent” is what the husband and wife want, that is exactly what can happen.
____
And all of this is why I say that if married couples are willing to apply the word “align” to their relationship, there can be so much more understanding, growth, and even love that can take place — because when you get that you don’t have to be the same, you just have to ultimately desire similar things for the relationship…you can be so much more effective in your approach.
So, if you’re ready for a healthier dynamic: GET INTO ALIGNMENT.
A game-changer, for the better, indeed.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Featured image by PeopleImages/Getty Images