A boy proposed to a girl. She rejected. He was not sad. When his friends asked him why he was not sad, the boy said, "Why should I be sad? I lost someone who didn't love me. But she also lost someone who truly loved her."
If you happened to read my article on soulmates, you already know that I have a pretty unconventional way of looking at them. For starters, I don't think that soulmates are only romantic connections or that they mimic the characters in rom-coms. Personally, I think that soulmates are individuals that come into our lives to make our souls better. And, in order for that to happen, sometimes growing pains transpire along the way.
Along these same lines, as far as love relationships go, I also don't believe there is just one person for each of us. What I mean by that is, out of the 7.63 billion people living on this planet, shoot, there are at least a dozen folks that every person could fall in love with and be happily committed to for the rest of their life.
Now, with that on record, I also think that God has someone who is His absolute best for us (although most of us are too impatient to let Him bring us to that person). I also think that, when choosing a partner, we don't need to just factor in who gives us butterflies, whose personality we like most, or even who we have the most in common with.
Life experiences and the wisdom that comes from them is teaching me that when we choose someone, we also choose the path that we want to go on in life.
I'll give you an example. There's a man from my past where things didn't work the first time around simply due to bad timing. No more, no less. Fast forward to a few years ago, when we caught up, he's still fine (and still some mo' fine), he can still make me blush and giggle like a little girl and we still are compatible in many ways.
Still, I had to let him pass.
Some of y'all will probably look at me like "What in the world were you thinking?!" That's a fair question. What I was thinking is that he's not on the kind of path that I want to be on. He's working in a profession and has the kind of schedule that I know I wouldn't gel with. When I think about the calling that's on my life, I think it would clash with, not complement his. The thought of waking up each morning in his world doesn't excite me. To me, these are the kinds of things that people should think about when it comes to getting into a long-term relationship with someone. Unfortunately, most of us…don't.
And just what does all of this have to do with the title of this particular piece? That's a good question too. Last year, my heart was broken in such a way that it took me a while to breathe normally, let alone feel like myself. The journey is a book within itself but, basically, there's a man that I was extremely close with, that over a dozen people said I was a great fit for and even he said I was the female version of him in a lot of ways. And, unlike a lot of the men from my past, I adored everything about his calling and purpose. So much, in fact, that we worked—seamlessly so—on a lot of projects together.
Anyway, one day we had a six-plus hour conversation on the phone about our feelings, our lives, and the future. Hmph. Sometimes, I'm baffled that there can be so many different religions (or even denominations in a particular faith), but after being completely blindsided by this guy, I get it. So many things are all about perception. Meaning, while I got off the phone thinking that we were making more strides than ever, he decided to shoot me an email at midnight stating the complete opposite. When I tell you that I didn't see it coming…I DID NOT SEE IT COMING. When I tell you that I truly was devastated…I WAS TRULY DEVASTATED. When I tell you that his actions following indicated that he couldn't care less…HE COULDN'T CARE LESS.
I think sometimes, when our heart has been broken, we're grieving a myriad of things. The loss of someone we love (although you peeped what I started this article out with, right? Loss goes both ways, whether the other person realizes it or not). The sadness of not ending up with the kind of life we thought we were going to have. The simmering anger as we question if the journey was a complete and total waste of time—or not.
But what I want to address, specifically, is the sometimes embarrassment or maybe even pseudo-humiliation we may feel, simply that comes from realizing that the guy that we chose didn't choose us. He didn't want (one definition of "choose") us. He didn't desire (one definition of "choose") us. He didn't prefer (another definition of "choose") us. At least he didn't do those things enough to get on the same page with us. I get it—who wants to admit they wanted, desired, and preferred someone who didn't want, desire, and prefer them in return?
But here's the thing. I think that sometimes, we as women are so busy putting so much time, effort, energy, and tears into making a relationship work that we don't realize that we deserve to have all of that reciprocated; that just like a man deserves the privilege of having us choose him, we deserve a man who went through the same kind of processing that we did in order to be chosen by him. And truly choosing someone? It requires maturity, emotional stability, spiritual discernment, extreme self-awareness, and personal preparation.
Here's the visual. A man who knows about diamonds? You can't put a piece of junk jewelry from Claire's, a piece of costume jewelry from Nordstrom's, and then a diamond from Tiffany's in front of his face and think that he won't be able to tell the difference between all three of them. He knows the real from the fake because he's spent some time learning what separates a precious gem from what's…an imitation. Therefore, he not only has the knowledge to choose wisely and well, he also is willing to make the sacrifices to get what he's chosen.
A man who doesn't know what a real diamond looks like? He'll go into Tiffany's and act the same way he would in Claire's—to him, both look like crystal rocks. Both come a dime and dozen and so he acts like such. See where I'm going with this?
Now, it would be arrogant as all get out to say that every man who doesn't choose a woman who chooses him doesn't see the value in women. That's not where I'm going with this.
What I will say is when a good man decides not to choose a woman who has chosen him, he's still going to handle her feelings with extreme caution and care because a diamond is a diamond—even if it's not your preferred cut and clarity.
The bigger point I'm trying to make is when a man doesn't choose you, it's a blessing in disguise because what he's essentially saying is he's decided to not do what the man who will choose you someday will. I know men who want, desire, and prefer their woman. She is treated like pure royalty, a priceless gem, like the Scripture that I have tattooed on my right forearm—"Again, the kingdom of heaven is like a merchant seeking beautiful pearls, who, when he had found one pearl of great price, went and sold all that he had and bought it." (Matthew 13:45-46—NKJV)
A wise man once said, "Rejection is God's way of saying 'wrong direction'"—that we're on THE WRONG PATH. No one likes the sting of rejection. Trust me, I know. But whenever it happens, it really is God's way of saying, "Daughter, he didn't choose you. Oh, but wait until you see the one who will!" You'll look up and realize that not being chosen by your ex-dude is one of the best things that could've ever happened to you.
How can I be so sure? Claire's junk jewelry may get more traffic (they're literally worth a dime a dozen), but Tiffany diamonds? They're not out here begging to be seen. They know their worth and value. They also know what someone has to go through in order to have them. They can wait until the right one chooses them.
Sis, so can you. Be grateful that the one who didn't know any better didn't choose you. He freed up space for the one who will.
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