

Ever since I was younger, I looked forward to being a whole grown-ass woman, more than I ever looked forward to being a wife. In fact, a few years ago when I did get married, the one area I struggled with was the idea of partnership and teamwork. Those first few months of marriage as we faced our new lives as a married couple, not to mention embarking on parenthood for the first time as well, were a constant tug-of-war in which my husband had to repeatedly remind me that I didn't have to take on every responsibility.
Until then, I hadn't realized how often I assumed I had to foot the bill for dinner, drive our daughter to appointments, or even wash the dishes every night until he would chime in with, "You know you don't always have to do everything yourself."
Up until then, I had always associated help with dependency, but it was exhausting me in the process. I soon realized having help is a good thing when it comes from a place of love and a genuine desire to make someone else's life a little easier. But asking for help doesn't have to equal waiting for a hero, and actor Will Smith recently shared some thoughts that shed light on the difference.
In the video, Smith reflects on a conversation he had with his wife Jada some time ago in which he asked what was the biggest revelation she had about love. The Girls Trip star responded, "You can't make a person happy."
Smith goes on to unpack this idea, basically saying that happiness is an individual pursuit and that when people enter a relationship thinking it will magically solve all of their problems or fill pre-existing voids, they set their unions up for failure. The star of Netflix's Bright says it's because many fall into the "false romantic concept" that marriage is about completion or two people becoming one (I blame Tom Cruise's iconic line in that damn Jerry Maguire movie.)
Smith says over the course of their twenty-year marriage, they both realized that marriage was less about traveling in the same car together as much it was riding beside one another along the same road:
"What we realized was that we were two completely separate people on two completely separate individual journeys and that we were choosing to walk our separate journeys together."
He goes on to say that when it comes to happiness, it's something that one has to define on their own:
"We decided that we were gonna find our individual, internal, private separate joy and then we were gonna present ourselves to the relationship and to each other already happy. Not coming to each other with our empty cups out."
Some might question what is even the point of entering marriage, a long-term relationship, or any fulfilling connection with someone if you can't find happiness in it? I don't think that's what Smith is getting at. My mother, like many black moms, always had the same piece of advice when it came to any situation I was confronted with that I was afraid to take on alone: "You came into this world by yourself, and you're going to die by yourself."
It doesn't mean that you have to be totally self-reliant every second of the day, but what it does mean is that no one relationship should make or break your purpose, sense of self, and ability to be at peace with life as you know it at any one moment.
With that said, what I now recognize is that my spouse and I work as a team.
We build with each other and contribute the strengths we have to try and support the other's weaknesses, but it doesn't mean one life falls apart without the other. But even before I was married, I enjoyed my life, and I knew what my purpose was in it. I worked to fill my life with experiences, things, and people that helped me grow and my spouse simply enhances my situation. So often people enter relationships expecting that a compliment from a partner can replace self-esteem or believe that creating an unconditional bond with someone will somehow make up for those who abandoned them in the past.
Smith reminds us that we have to work on ourselves by ourselves and while that doesn't guarantee you'll enter a relationship flawless and without baggage, it's unfair to expect that one person can right all of the wrongs in your life:
"It's unfair and it's kind of unrealistic and can be destructive to place the responsibility for your happiness on anybody other than yourself."
In "If You're Waiting For Your Husband To Make You Happy, You're Doing It Wrong", blogger Krishann Briscoe touched on how the idealization of one person to be your source of happiness places them in a position that's impossible to hold for long:
"When you aren't depending on your husband to fill you up, then he can make mistakes and you are still okay. He can say the wrong thing and you can forgive him quickly. He can struggle and question his direction and you don't fall into despair. He can be your partner and your friend because he does not have to be your savior."
In short, the tried and true saying remains: How can you expect anyone to enjoy your company, if you don't even enjoy your own company?
You have to define happiness on your terms and be confident in the fact that you can want your partner, and even feel uncomfortable without them, without needing them. What does that look like in day-to-day life? In addition to regular date nights and Netflix binges that we enjoy as a couple, my husband likes working on muscle cars. I like planning trips and drowning in Tidal playlists when he and my three-year-old go to bed. It means we cohabitate, love, and build a life together without abandoning the personal paths we've maintained on our own.
While we can share those experiences with each other, we both know that happiness and joy aren't something totally held hostage by the other. We enhance each other's life in a way that doesn't leave an empty space when the other doesn't or can't show up.
How do you know when you're whole or happy?
You ever see those people who enter relationships and suddenly everything is on hold? These are the people who only focus on their personal goals in between relationships. Immediately after a breakup, they retreat to their checklist of going back to school, starting a business, or getting in shape.
Wholeness and happiness happen when you feel you don't have to choose between your goals as an individual and your relationship.
Being married doesn't mean I won't keep pursuing my dreams as a writer or wait to go to Alaska when my husband's schedule clears up. Any partner that's worth having will recognize and respect the woman you were before him and will want to uplift that person, without feeling like she'll fall to the ground in his absence.
What does it mean to be "whole" and how do you define happiness as an individual?
I asked some of my friends and family members who are married or in long-term relationships to share their thoughts on what partners are responsible for bringing to the relationships.
You can read their thoughts below:
"I read an article recently about an older married couple that started asking each other, 'What can I do to make your day better?' Simple but effective. My partner and I started doing this. While you have to make yourself happy, I think part of a partner's job is to make one's life easier. To push each other and enrich your lives as well, but if you aren't making my life better what are you around for? I like this tactic."
- J. Harris, engaged and with partner for almost 4 years
"Marriage has taught me that happiness is a choice. As Will stated, it is not our responsibility to make our partner happy at all times. I have learned that I should not give someone that much power over my happiness as well. That's too great of a responsibility and truthfully, power over me. I love when my husband is happy, but I had to let go of my preconceived notions that I can be the sole reasoning for his happiness or sadness...And, frankly sometimes it doesn't have anything to even do with me. Marriage is definitely a journey."
"We were once at a terrible point in our relationship, and when we unpacked, dissected, and got down to the bottom of our issues I realized many of them were HIS issues. Now, I don't mean like, me being unsupportive, but like issues from his childhood, that I can't remedy. I was too much of a team player, and I had to learn to let some of that go. At heart I am a nurturer and a caregiver. I want to fix the world, but I can't do that for everyone. In the end I had to learn to be more selfish. Giving too much can also be detrimental as well. So, I guess it was a mix of realizing I can't be his everything, and I need to be more of my own person/savior/friend."
- C. Tinsley, married for 8 years
"Growing up we are often subliminally taught that finding the "right person" makes us whole. For a long time I believed this to be true. However, being in a 12 year relationship has proven me wrong. My partner can be doing all he can to make sure I'm happy, but I've noticed that what he does, does not equate to my individual happiness day in, and day out. Sure, I feel loved; but not always happy. I agree when Will Smith said, 'You have to find your own happiness.' We have to be happy with ourselves, or nothing will seem good enough. With this said, I feel we should take time to figure out what we require individually before adding another person onto our world. I can't say specifically what can make someone happy or whole before entering a relationship, because it is different for everyone, but I will say again, learn what you need without someone else."
- K. Antoinette, in a long term relationship for 12 years
"People going into relationships and marriages thinking they are finding a missing part of themselves are in for a rude awakening. The emotions and the emotional things you've felt before entering a relationship/ marriage, will still be there after the big day is over. Now you just have a person to go through the storm with you. That person is not gonna void out those emotions or 'unpleasant' feeling.
"Happiness is an individual thing. You have to make yourself happy. No matter who's in your life, you need to come to the "table" already whole."
- C. Jones, married for 4 months
- Jada Pinkett Smith Feet Care - xoNecole: Women's Interest, Love, Wellness, Beauty ›
- Jada Pinkett Smith Never Saw Herself Marrying Will - xoNecole: Women's Interest, Love, Wellness, Beauty ›
- Will Jada Pinkett Smith Marriage Love Quotes - xoNecole: Women's Interest, Love, Wellness, Beauty ›
- Will Smith Talks 20-Year Marriage to Jada Pinkett Smith and ... ›
- Will Smith Posts Heartfelt Anniversary Tribute to Wife Jada ›
- Will Smith posts touching tribute to Jada Pinkett Smith on 20th ... ›
- Jada Pinkett Smith Addresses Rumors She and Will Smith Are ... ›
- Will Smith & Jada Pinkett Smith Celebrate 20th Anniversary ... ›
- Jada Pinkett Smith on 'unconventional' Will Smith marriage | Daily ... ›
- Will & Jada Pinkett Smith On 20 Years ›
- Will Smith admits he and Jada Pinkett Smith turned to couples ... ›
Writer, sexual health superhero, and #BlackGirlMagic and #BlackBoy curator regularly featured on @Madamenoire. Toya can usually be found in between her earbuds, listening to trap music and refreshing her browser for concert tickets. Tweet her @thetruetsharee.
Claudia Jordan, Demetria McKinney & Jill Marie Jones On 'Games Women Play' & Dating Over 40
What do you get when you mix unfiltered truths, high-stakes romance, and a few well-timed one-liners? You get Games Women Play—the sizzling new stage play by Je’Caryous Johnson that’s part relationship rollercoaster, part grown-woman group chat.
With a powerhouse cast that includes Claudia Jordan, Demetria McKinney, Jill Marie Jones, Carl Payne, Chico Bean, and Brian J. White, the play dives headfirst into the messy, hilarious, and heart-wrenching games people play for love, power, and peace of mind. And the women leading this story? They’re bringing their whole selves to the stage—and leaving nothing behind.
From Script to Spotlight
The road to Games Women Play started over 20 years ago—literally.
“This script was written 20 years ago,” Jill Marie Jones said with a smile. “It was originally called Men, Money & Gold Diggers, and I was in the film version. So when Je’Caryous called me to bring it to the stage, I was like, ‘Let’s go.’” Now reimagined for 2025, the play is updated with sharp dialogue and modern relationship dynamics that feel all too real.
Demetria McKinney, no stranger to Je’Caryous Johnson’s productions, jumped at the opportunity to join the cast once again. “This is my third time working with him,” she shared. “It was an opportunity to stretch. I’d never been directed by Carl Payne before, and the chance to work with talent I admire—Jill, Claudia, Chico—it was a no-brainer.”
Claudia Jordan joked that she originally saw the role as just another check. “I didn’t take it that seriously at first,” she admitted. “But this is my first full-on tour—and now I’ve got a whole new respect for how hard people work in theater. This ain’t easy.”
Modern Love, Stage Left
The play doesn’t hold back when it comes to the messier parts of love. One jaw-dropping moment comes when a live podcast proposal flips into a prenup bombshell—leaving the audience (and the characters) gasping.
Demetria broke it down with honesty. “People don’t ask the real questions when they date. Like, ‘Do you want kids? How do you feel about money?’ These convos aren’t happening, and then everyone’s confused. That moment in the play—it’s real. That happens all the time.”
Jill chimed in, noting how the play speaks to emotional disconnect. “We’re giving each other different tokens of love. Men might offer security and money. Women, we’re giving our hearts. But there’s a disconnect—and that’s where things fall apart.”
And then Claudia, of course, took it all the way there. “These men don’t even want to sign our prenups now!” she laughed. “They want to live the soft life, too. Wearing units, gloss, getting their brows done. We can’t have nothing! Y’all want to be like us? Then get a damn period and go through menopause.”
Dating Over 40: “You Better Come Correct”
When the conversation turned to real-life relationships, all three women lit up. Their experiences dating in their 40s and 50s have given them both clarity—and zero tolerance for games.
“I feel sexier than I’ve ever felt,” said Jill, who proudly turned 50 in January. “I say what I want. I mean what I say. I’m inside my woman, and I’m not apologizing for it.”
Demetria added that dating now comes with deeper self-awareness. “Anybody in my life is there because I want them there. I’ve worked hard to need nobody. But I’m open to love—as long as you keep doing what got me there in the first place.”
For Claudia, the bar is high—and the peace is priceless. “I’ve worked hard for my peace,” she said. “I’m not dating for food. I’m dating because I want to spend time with you. And honestly, if being with you isn’t better than being alone with my candles and fountains and cats? Then no thanks.”
Channeling Strength & Icon Status
Each actress brings something different to the play—but all of them deliver.
“I actually wish I could be messier on stage,” Claudia joked. “But I think about my grandmother—she was born in 1929, couldn’t even vote or buy a house without a man, and didn’t give a damn. She was fearless. That’s where my strength comes from.”
For Jill, the comparisons to her iconic Girlfriends character Toni Childs aren’t far off—but this role gave her a chance to dig deeper. “If you really understood Toni, you’d see how layered she was. And Paisley is the same—misunderstood, but strong. There’s more to her than people see at first glance.”
Demetria, who juggles singing and acting seamlessly, shared that live theater pushes her in a new way. “Every moment on stage counts. You can’t redo anything. It’s a different kind of love and discipline. You have to give the performance away—live, in the moment—and trust that it lands.”
Laughter, Lessons & Black Girl Gems
The show has plenty of laugh-out-loud moments—and the cast isn’t shy about who steals scenes.
“Chico Bean gets a lot of gasps and laughs,” Claudia said. “And Naomi Booker? Every scene she’s in—she’s hilarious.”
But the play isn’t just about humor. It leaves space for reflection—especially for Black women.
“I hope we get back to the foundation of love and communication,” said Demetria. “A lot of us are in protector mode. But that’s turned into survival mode. We’ve lost softness. We’ve lost connection.”
Claudia agreed. “We’re doing it all—but it’s not because we want to be strong all the time. It’s because we have to be. And I just want women to know: You can have peace, you can be soft. But stop bringing your old pain into new love. Don’t let past heartbreak build walls so high that the right person can’t climb over.”
Final Act: Pack the House
If there’s one thing this cast agrees on, it’s that this play isn’t just entertainment—it’s necessary.
“Atlanta is the Black entertainment hub,” Claudia said. “We need y’all to show up for this play. Support the arts. Support each other. Because when we pack the house, we make space for more stories like this.”
Games Women Play is more than a play—it’s a mirror. You’ll see yourself, your friends, your exes, and maybe even your next chapter. So get ready to laugh, reflect, and maybe even heal—because the games are on.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Feature image courtesy
Be Careful. Those Casual Friendships Can Be Red Flags Too.
A couple of weeks ago, I was listening to someone vent about an area of frustration that they couldn’t seem to get to the root of — why they keep getting taken advantage of by certain individuals. When you’ve been a life coach for as long as I have (and you were a journalist before that), you learn how to ask certain questions that can cause people to consider things that they may never have before.
So, when I asked her, “What is the common thread with all of those folks? And sit still for two minutes before answering,” when she finally heard her own self speak, her eyes got wide and her mouth dropped open: “They’re all people who I’m not really sure what they are in my life.”
Ding. Ding. DING.
A life coach by the name of Thomas Leonard once said that “Clarity affords focus” and, believe you me, when it comes to dealing with other human beings, if you don’t get clear on where you stand when it comes to your interactions with them, you can very easily find yourself “focusing too much” on those who don’t deserve it and too little on those who absolutely do. And y’all, this lil’ PSA couldn’t be more relevant than when it comes to what I call “casual friendships.”
Let’s dig — and for some of us, dig our way out of — what it means to have a casual friend, so that you can get clear on if you really need those in your life…and if so…why?
Article continues after the video.
It Can’t Be Said Enough: Always Remember What “Casual” Means
There’s a reason why I decided to share two videos by mental health coach Isaiah Frizzle at the top and bottom of this article. It’s because a lot of what he shares in both of them complements a piece that I wrote for the platform last year entitled, “This Is Just What Purposeful Relationships Look Like.”
It’s the author M. Scott Peck who once said, “Until you value yourself, you won't value your time. Until you value your time, you will not do anything with it” and please believe that the older (and hopefully more mature) you get, the more you tend to see just how valuable — and fleeting — time is; and that is what plays a huge role in motivating you want to only involve yourself with people, places, things and ideas that will honor your time — and when something is casual? In my opinion, it’s highly debatable that it’s worth much of your months, days, hours, or even too many of your minutes.
The main reason why is addressed in an article that I wrote back in the day entitled, “We Should Really Rethink The Term 'Casual Sex.'” The gist? When it comes to relationships, “casual” is certainly not a favorite word of mine because I know what it means. Have mercy — why would you want to invest your time, energy, and emotions into something that is, by definition, apathetic, indifferent, careless, lacking emotional intimacy, and/or is without purpose?
I don’t know about y’all but that sounds like a complete and total crap shoot to me — especially if you are going to go so far as to consider this type of dynamic a true friendship (check out “Ever Wonder If A Friend Is Just...Not That Into You?,” “6 Signs You're About To Make A Huge Mistake In Making Them A Close Friend,” “5 Signs Of A Toxic Friendship That Is Secretly Poisoning Your Life,” “12 Friend Facts That Might Cause You To Rethink (Some Of) Your Own,” and “Less & Less Of Us Have Close Friends These Days. Why Is That?” ).
To me, when you decide to call someone “friend,” it means that they are loyal, reliable, consistent, trustworthy and willing to be there to support you to the very best of their ability — even if it’s inconvenient to do so sometimes (check out “Life Taught Me That True Friendships Are 'Inconvenient'”). How in the world can you expect that from something that has the word “casual” in it?
And you know what? That actually segues into my next point about casual friendships pretty darn well.
Ponder the Purpose “Casual Friends” Serve in Your Life
A couple of years ago, Verywell Mind published an article entitled, “How the 4 Types of Friendship Fit Into Your Life.” The four that it listed were acquaintances (which I actually don’t consider to be friends; check out “6 Differences Between A Close Acquaintance And An Actual Friend”), casual friends, close friends, and lifelong friends. After reading the piece, I think they consider casual friends to be the “pleasure” friends that I mentioned in the article, “According To Aristotle, We Need ‘Utility’, ‘Pleasure’ & ‘Good’ Friends.”
And although I certainly get that, I think my “cause for pause” is calling those people “friends” when they probably should be called something like an associate or possibly even a buddy instead. Why do I feel this way? Well, I’ve shared in other articles that I think social media has jacked up vocabulary words and their true meaning on a billion different levels.
Take “friend,” for example. Facebook had us out here calling everyone we connected to on their platform “friends” when some of them, we’ve never even spoken to before — and I personally think that influenced, affected and perhaps even infected our psyche to the point where we will call folks, both online and off, “friend” even when they haven’t earned it and/or who possibly don’t deserve it.
That said, do I think that we all could use lighthearted interactions that don’t go very deep and are filled with not much more than fun? Sure. However, if we were to move this over into a sexual thing — those types of people would probably be called a sneaky link, and there is nothing significant or substantial about ‘em. In fact, if anything pretty much automatically comes with an expiration date, sneaky links would have to be it.
And that’s kind of the point that I’m trying to make about a casual friend — so long as you know that the word “casual” is being used to describe them, while you may enjoy the people who fit that bill, they aren’t really anything that you can or even should fully rely on. Instead, take them for what they are and don’t really expect much more than that. Otherwise, you could be in for some profound levels of disappointment. And who wants that?
Final point.
How a Casual Friend Can Become a Huge Red Flag
I’m telling you, y’all gonna quit clowning Tubi. LOL. To me, the best way to describe it is it’s the Cricket of current streaming apps. What I mean by that is, back when Cricket (the cell phone service) first came out, people, like me, who used it service got incessantly clowned because it was seen as a bootleg provider. Now it’s owned by AT&T, and as someone who has rocked with them since I was in my 20s, I don’t have one regret for doing so. Cricket has always been good to me, chile.
And Tubi? Well, when you get a chance, check out CNBC’s article, “CEO at 33, Tubi’s Anjali Sud on success hacks she learned at Amazon, IAC on way to top of Fox streaming” — take note of the moves the streaming app is making and the quality of programming that is transpiring in real time.
Anyway, I find myself bringing up Tubi more and more in my content because it helps to amplify some of the points that I like to make. This time, it’s a movie that’s (currently) on there calledRight Man, Wrong Woman. If you haven’t seen it before, I don’t want to give too much of the film away. What I will say is that the main female character, she had a casual friend and then she had a close friend.
That casual friend—the one who liked to kick it all of the time—was a lot of fun; however, dealing with her came with a ton of semi-unforeseen consequences. Meanwhile, the close friend? She’s what the Aristotle article (that I mentioned earlier) would call the “good friend” because she tried her best to hold her friend accountable.
And really, it shouldn’t be a shock that the casual friend turned out to be a plum trip because if someone is loads of entertainment and pleasure and yet they are indifferent towards you, they make careless decisions around you and/or they don’t really make known the purpose for you being in their life other than to pass some time — where really do you and that person have to go past drinks after work or dinner on a rooftop restaurant from time to time? And if that is all that the two of you are doing, again, why are they deserving of the word “friend”?
Hmph and don’t get me started on the lack of reciprocity that typically transpires when it comes to dealing with people like this because, while they won’t mind you spending your coins on them, taking their calls in the middle of the night or listening to all of their issues — when it comes time for them to show up for you, they very well may gaslight you into thinking that you are being dramatic, clingy or “doing the most.” Why? Well, it’s mostly because the two of you never really established what the hell the both of you are to one another.
And so, while you’re somewhere taking them seriously, they are out here seeing you casually, and as much as it might hurt to hear, that doesn’t automatically or necessarily make them a bad person. You shouldn’t expect much where no clarity is involved. After all, casual is just that: CASUAL.
____
I’m hoping that you can now see why I entitled this piece in the way that I did. It’s because a red flag is pretty much a warning, and to me, a casual friend is about as big of an oxymoron (again, to me) as casual sex is. Friends and sex are both too intimate to be seen or treated casually. Oh, but if you step out and take that risk, you could find yourself getting far more involved than the other individual ever wanted to go, because casual is how things have always been. “Friend” was simply to get you more mentally and emotionally invested. SMDH.
American columnist Walter Winchell once said, “A real friend is one who walks in when the rest of the world walks out.” A wise person once said, “One good friendship will outlive forty average loves." Former President Ulysses S. Grant once said, “The friend in my adversity I shall always cherish most. I can better trust those who helped to relieve the gloom of my dark hours than those who are so ready to enjoy with me the sunshine of my prosperity.” Does any of this sound casual to you? Yeah, me neither.
Again, I’m not saying that you shouldn’t have people in your life who aren’t on deep levels. I’m just saying that you might want to consider putting them into another category than friend, because what friends do for people? There ain’t nothin’ even remotely casual about it, sis. Not even a lil’ bit.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Featured image by Shutterstock