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This Is What You Can Get Out Of A BAD Date
Believe you me, I've had my share of dates that were, let's just say, less than impressive. But I always try my best to give credit where credit's due and when it comes to what inspired this lil' write-up, it was an article that I happened upon entitled "29 Women Reveal Their Absolute Worst First Date Stories".
MAN. One woman said she went on a first date with a guy who gave her a heads up that $10 was her limit on the menu. Another woman said that her date brought a friend who was 1) dressed up like Michael Jackson and 2) decided to do a concert for people as they waited in the ER (right…the date ended in the emergency room). Another woman said that she experienced one of the worst kisses ever while trying to tell her date about her mom being in the hospital (awk-ward). Still, another woman talked about how a dude spent the entire date reminiscing about his exes—how he lived with all of them and when they broke up, he had to go back to live with his mom. Then he proceeded to ask her about the size of her own place (SMH…this guy).
But the one that probably inspired this piece the most is the lady who went out with a guy who stole gas (she knew because he pulled up to her house with the hose still attached to his car's tank). Yeah, that sucks but, guess what? She's been married to him for 22 years now (just wow)!
Although dating—let alone marrying—someone who does a criminal act is a bit of a red flag for me personally, it does co-sign on something I do personally believe. No matter how much a date sucks, that doesn't mean that it can't come with its own silver lining or two.
Before you roll your eyes and click off of this, give me about five minutes (give or take) to explain where I'm coming from. Then think back on some of your own bad dates and see if you can pull some actual benefits out of them. Perhaps ones like the following:
You Can Figure Out What “a Date” Is to You
Personally, I don't get down with that whole, "If you don't have any expectations, you won't be disappointed" mentality. I say that because the people I know who claim to live like that are actually some of the most jaded and cynical people I've ever encountered. At the same time, I do think that a lot of us find ourselves unnecessarily disillusioned because we assume that just because we think that something should go a certain way that everyone else has the same mentality.
Absolutely not. Recently, I watched a video of Savannah Chrisley talking about how chivalrous her new fiancé was to the point that, on her first date, he called her dad, Todd to say he would call him once he picked her up and again once he dropped her off. Savannah also said that she hasn't touched a door since they've met. Meanwhile, I know folks who stay in relationships with guys who've never paid for a date (at most, their guy will do Dutch) and hasn't done anything to write home to dad about.
Why do women put up with Column B? I think a part of the reason is they don't really think about what a date means to them—what standards they have. For instance, do you want to be picked up? Do you want him to plan the date himself? Do you always want him to pay?
A good thing that can come from going on bad dates is it can give you clarity on what you expect, moving forward. Like, if you want a man to go through the effort to plan the date and the next guy asks you out and says, "I dunno. What do you want to do?" -- you can already decide if he's worth two hours on a Saturday night. Or not. If you want chivalry to be in full effect but the guy doesn't open a single door, maybe there doesn't need to be a second date.
You’ll Learn How to Sense Red Flags Quicker
They say that hindsight is 20/20, but just think about all of the time, effort and energy (not to mention all of the blood, sweat and tears) that could be spared if we learned how to recognize red flags in someone out the gate.
Some first date red flags—a man who shows up late (he doesn't value your time); a man who flirts with your server (he's disrespectful); a man who orders for you (unless he already knows what you like, he's too pushy); a man who checks his phone (he's flippant and distracted); a man who brings up sex too quickly (ugh…just ugh) and a man who's all talk and no listen (he's confrontational and probably a know- it-all).
Some after the first date red flags—he's an exaggerator (that's a step away from being a liar); he never really makes plans in advance (again, he doesn't value you as much as he should); he doesn't make good on his promises (he can't fully be trusted); he always makes the date/relationship decisions (he's inconsiderate and selfish) and you're doing most of the work to make the relationship work (he isn't all in).
If you experience any of these things on your date, it's uncomfortable and unfortunate, there's no doubt about that. But sometimes, seeing these kinds of flags spelled out in black and white can help you to realize how to detect them quicker…just in time for the next date, with the next man.
It Has a Way of Making You a Better Communicator
Sometimes dates are a dud, not because the guy isn't attractive or a gentleman; it's just that there doesn't seem to be much of a connection. Sometimes, that's because something within the communication is a bit off.
If you were to be honest with yourself, that might not have been all on him. It can be challenging to strike up conversations with someone that you barely know. If you totally feel where I'm coming from, it can't hurt to think about what you would do differently, communication-wise, on your next date. What would you like to know? What kind of questions would you ask? How would you approach awkward moments of radio silence?
Although it would be nice if all dates flowed seamlessly, this is not a rom-com, it's the real world. Sometimes there needs to be a plan of action, even as it relates to communication.
It Can Boost Your Confidence Levels
There are the kind of dates that, even as you're on them, you end up telling yourself that you probably won't go on a second one. Not because anything is wrong per se; it's more like something doesn't feel quite right. Then there are the kind of dates that makes you get up to call a ride before dessert is even served. Either the guy is rude to the rest of the staff or the stuff he says (or asks) you is totally inappropriate.
Column A sucks but Column B is much worse. There still is an upside, though. When a bad date happens and you decide that you deserve more (column A) or better (column B) and you make a conscious decision to not go on another date (column A) or continue the one that you're currently on (column B), the boundaries that you set can be super self-affirming. It can remind you to not settle for less, even when it comes to a two-hour outing.
It Can Also Make You More Empathetic and Compassionate
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Suppose your date was a set up and 20 minutes into it, you think to yourself, "Yeeeeah, this isn't gonna work." Maybe you're not physically attracted to him. Maybe you don't feel a spark or any real chemistry. Maybe he's already said or did something that has automatically made you want to friend zone him. Before you text one of your girlfriends to call you so that you can cut your date short, now is the time to implement the Golden Rule. How would you feel if he abruptly left you in the middle of the date because there was no romantic connection?
Another good thing that can come out of a bad date is it can test your level of empathy (putting yourself in someone else's shoes) and compassion (wanting to relieve the suffering that someone may be experiencing). If you put these two things into practice, it will only benefit you in the long run because even when you do meet "the one", you're going to need to extend empathy and compassion to him in order for the relationship to go the distance. (Just ask any married person that you know.)
You Will Get a Better Sense of What You Want
One of my favorite dates of all-time consisted of going zip-lining in the morning and a four-star dinner in the evening. Everything was a total surprise. At the end of the all-day-date, I asked the guy how he came up with the idea. He said he wanted us to both do something we'd never done before together and, because some of our best memories consisted of being around food, he then wanted us to enjoy a new high-scale restaurant. The proactiveness, the thoughtfulness and the reasoning behind it all caused me to raise the bar of expectations when it comes to dates moving forward. No longer do I just want dinner and a movie, simply because I now know, firsthand, that men can be a lot more creative than that—when they want to be.
So, when another guy thought bringing fast food over to my house to watch On-Demand was the idea of a first date, his visit got cut short. His lack of investing into the date was like…a forecast into what our future would be like.
So yeah, to me, another benefit that can come from a sucky date is it can provide you with clarity regarding what you want from dates (and relationships), moving forward. #givethanks
It Can Make YOU a Better Date
Something that I think far too many of us overlook is, whether a date is good or bad, it can be a teachable moment. It can reveal to you what your expectations and triggers are. It can show you how good (or not so good) you are at engaging another individual. It can help you to discover the strengths that you have in dealing with others, along with your weaknesses.
Keeping all this in mind, if you take nothing else from this lil' write up, at least be willing to use your bad date experiences as an opportunity to learn more about yourself. If you do that—and I mean really do that—you significantly increase your chances of heading bad dates off before they even begin. Guaranteed.
Featured image by Getty Images
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Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
How This New Bond Repair Line Transformed One Mother's Postpartum Shedding Into The Ultimate Curl Comeback
This article is in partnership with SheaMoisture
For Crystal Obasanya, her wash day woes came shortly after her son did. The beauty and lifestyle content creator had been natural for years, but during postpartum, she quickly learned about one reality many mothers can relate to experiencing: postpartum hair loss. “Sis had thinning hair. Sis had split ends,” she shared about her hair changes in a Reel via xoNecole.
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Featured image courtesy
Looking for ways to level up your solo sex sessions or your partnered sex play? Entering the wonderful world of arousal oils might be exactly what the doctor ordered. As its name suggests, arousal oil arouses. And they might very well be the pleasurable vessel through which your mind-blowing orgasms can be beckoned. Specifically, arousal oils are a pleasure-enhancing sex lubricant intended to increase the sensitivity to your nipples, your vulva, or your clitoris, just to start.
With an ingredient list that can include the likes of CBD, ashwagandha, and essential oils, arousal oils act as an aphrodisiac in a bottle, maximizing intensity and heightening the levels of pleasure you feel, thereby making your climax that much more attainable.
Keep reading for our selection of some of the best arousal oils in the game right now.
Bloomi Luxe Arousal Oil
Described as a "sensual pleasure oil," the Luxe Arousal Oil by Bloomi is clean with plant-derived organic ingredients. With 2-4 pumps, a gentle massage with this oil-based intimacy oil is formulated to intensify pleasure to your clitoris, your vulva, your thighs, or anywhere else you care to use it, before and during the act.
Foria Awaken Arousal Oil
Not only do reviewers rave about the "incredible o's" from Awaken Arousal Oil, but this best-seller is also known for its sensuous aroma, slip, and feel. With the uncanny ability to enhance sensations, users of the product have reported reinvigorated orgasms and renewed sex lives. And all we have to say is, say less.
Mood Maker Pleasure-Enhancing Intimacy Oil for Couples
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The Mood Maker had us at hello. Christina Aguilera's sex oil is where luxury and intimacy meet. Thanks to the relaxation facilitated by magic mushrooms and pleasure-enhancing adaptogens, the Mood Maker lays the groundwork for easeful foreplay, sex, and even an encore. With its texture like silk and warm scent, the oil effortlessly sets the perfect mood for pleasure play and allows your body to follow suit.
Lure Deluxe Intimacy Oil
Sultry, clean, and moisturizing are the cornerstones of this intimacy oil. The oil is formulated with organic ingredients like MCT coconut oil and CBD, so there is no need to worry about throwing off your pH balance or leaving behind a sticky residue when using it for intimate moments. The silky texture provides a sensual slip that is all gas no brakes, creating a slip n' slide glide during partner play, as well as solo play.
Bonus points: since it's all-natural, it's also oral-friendly. So Deluxe Intimacy Oil is queening-approved.
Green Compass Intimacy Oil
Green Compass
Entice and awaken your pleasure and your senses with the Intimacy Oil by Green Compass. An intimacy oil made for every body, this oil is fragrance-free, paraben-free, and silicone-free and formulated with plant-based and organic ingredients. With ingredients like organic hemp flower extract, coconut oil, and jojoba oil, the pleasure felt and experienced in intimate areas becomes even more intense upon application.
FOCL CBD Arousal Oil
Loved by users for its "perfect texture," its "warm wonderful feeling," and the fact that it's "non-irritating," the CBD Arousal Oil by FOCL is definitely worthy of a spot in your tox boy. Like other CBD oils, the hemp-derived product is said to ease tension and promote blood flow, which are major keys to enhancing and maximizing your sexual pleasure.
Sensuva On Arousal Oil
Amazon
Looks like we saved the best for last. Available in Lite, Original, and Ultra to give you the ability to choose the intensity that suits your intimate moments best, the On Arousal Oil by Sensuva is said to be one of the most powerful arousal oils on the market with good reason. With a "unique, buzzing vibration sensation on the clitoris," in 1-2 drops, On Arousal delivers more sensation during sex, helps women achieve orgasms quicker and more intensely, and can also help curb any issues with vaginal dryness.
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