

“I hate when people have that view towards marriage just because others around them are divorced or going through issues. What does their failed marriage have to do with you?"
That was a comment from a reader on an article I recently wrote about mismatched expectations. I hate to admit it that with #RelationshipGoals hashtags being thrown around and endless articles encouraging men to find themselves an “Ayesha Curry" or "Michelle Obama" to wife up, the media and the relationships we're surrounded by affect our outlooks on love more than we'd like to believe.
We'd all like to think we're creating a unique love story all our own, but most of us want the same things you'd find in any The Perfect Match type rom-com: respect, trust and someone who won't judge us when we spend way too much in Target…every single damn time.
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Journalist and first African-American female co-host of The Today Show, Tamron Hall, is no exception. In an interview with People magazine, she once revealed how her sister's tragic experience in a relationship has seriously impacted her own ideas about love and intimacy.
"No one deserves what happened to my sister," Hall opened up about witnessing her sister, Renate, become involved in an abusive relationship. In 2004, Renate was found bludgeoned and beaten to death floating face down in the pool of her Houston, Texas home. The incident was the final blow in Renate's history of being involved with abusive men. Hall reveals she witnessed a violent altercation herself on one occasion.
"I said to her, 'What's wrong with you?' 'You're too beautiful. Too smart. You can do better.' All the things I've learned now are wrong [from domestic abuse advocates], I did them all," Hall revealed about the incident she witnessed in her own home.
Hall says she was upstairs when she heard a scuffle from downstairs. When she came down, she found a bruised Renate in the middle of a room in shambles. After asking the man to leave, Tamron began to question her sister about the relationship. As an advocate for women who are victims of domestic violence, Hall now knows that it's important for women in these situations to not feel judged. Renate stayed in the relationship until her untimely death. Although the man was the only person of interest in the investigation of Renate's death, due to lack of evidence, no arrests were made and the case remains an unsolved homicide.Hall admits that she carries some guilt for her sister's death and feels knowing what she knows now, she could've handled things differently:
"I think Renate thought some part of me still judged her."
But Renate's death has not been in vain. In her honor, Hall has committed a part of her career to advocating for victims of domestic violence and educating friends and family members on how to support loved ones who find themselves in abusive relationships. Hall works with groups like Safe Horizon and Day One to help families of victims find closure. In 2015, she was honored the Women of Courage Award by Philadelphia's Lutheran Settlement House for her work in sharing the stories of survivors of domestic violence on the Today Show's Shine a Light series.
But the conflicting feelings surrounding her sister's experience have affected more than Hall's professional mission, they have affected her personal life as well. Joking that her friends have nicknamed her “The Runaway Bride," Hall admits that Renate's relationships have made her approach her own with caution:
"I've been engaged a couple times. Thank God no one was abusive, but [my sister's situation] makes me cautious."
The 47-year-old shared that she's been engaged twice but never made it down the aisle:
“I never bought a dress, but I was close, in Vegas and another time in Cozumel," she says. "I chickened out both times."Tamron Hall with family and sister Renate (right).
Photo courtesy of Tamron Hall
Hall also admits that a phobia of divorce along with the demands of her career have also played a huge part in her hesitance to commit to long-term relationship. “I'm sad about it some days," she revealed although she is quick to confirm that the success she's experienced as a journalist is a pretty big damn deal:
"I know it's rare to have a single woman on morning TV who doesn't have a child, and I'm Black! But I love my job."
As a super Tamron Hall stan, I must admit I love the job that she's doing too. Hall holds it, balancing sass and sophistication, and being the “young and fly" auntie I never had. She might as well be a living, breathing Being Mary Jane. But don't get it twisted, Hall is no slave to her success and finds time to schedule some fun in after handling business:
"I date, don't get me wrong," she says. "I'm not up here filing my fingernails on a Friday night. I want to find someone to share my life with."
And if possible she wants to have it ALL:
"I've not given up on having a child. But I hope whatever route of parenthood I choose, whether it's adoption or I'm able to conceive, I just hope that I'm able to give someone as beautiful a life as my parents gave me."
Hall's whole approach to relationships got me thinking about the examples of love that are set for us and how they define what a healthy relationship is and exactly what we want. Growing up in a two-parent household, I was lucky to witness a relationship of love, respect, and loyalty between my parents on a daily basis. My mother taught me how to maintain my independence while still being a part of a team. My father taught me the importance of having standards and demanding respect. But more than that, I owe a lot of what I learned about relationships to my older sister. I love my big sis to death, but I have to admit I learned a lot about what I didn't want in a relationship from her example.
I think the only thing as painful as watching your daughter deal with heartbreak, is witnessing your mom or sister deal with losing love.
There were plenty of times I've sat in my room listening to New Edition and Troop beg and plead on the other side of the wall, muffling my sister's cries. In addition to watching my sister give her all to men from the very beginning of a relationship, (fulfilling my duties as an annoying little sis) I've read diary entries about how she would fall head over heels only to get taken advantage of or cheated on. Witnessing these lessons firsthand didn't make me exempt to the heartbreak any teenage girl has to go through as a rite of passage, but I did find myself keeping my guard up a little longer after meeting a guy.
I was hesitant to start acting like a girlfriend before officially getting the title. I saw my sister make lunches for men who didn't have enough respect to not double book their side chicks so they didn't all show up with soup and a sandwich at the same damn time. Some relationships I didn't take as seriously because I knew maintaining my independence and keeping my options open would lessen the chances that I'd find myself crying into my pillow to “Can You Stand The Rain?"
Whether it's your parents going 22 years strong or Ayesha Curry cheering from the sidelines when her hubby Steph breaks another three-pointer record, there's nothing wrong with looking to the relationships around us as a reference for what we want or don't want from love.
What matters most is that we use these examples to help shape what works for us. We all won't be Ayesha Curry, but there are some pretty awesome Kisha's, Bianca's, and Michelle's that are holding it down for their men just fine. Just because your BFF has been cheated on by every man she's ever been with, doesn't mean it's only a matter of time before you discover it going down in your own man's DM's. You have to take into account the unique circumstances of each relationship on its own. If Hall's experience can teach us anything, it's that every relationship, good or bad, can teach you about what you want from love as well as a thing or two you may not have known about yourself.
"It hasn't shaped my life, but it's given me courage I didn't know I had."
Writer, sexual health superhero, and #BlackGirlMagic and #BlackBoy curator regularly featured on @Madamenoire. Toya can usually be found in between her earbuds, listening to trap music and refreshing her browser for concert tickets. Tweet her @thetruetsharee.
Devale Ellis On Being A Provider, Marriage Growth & Redefining Fatherhood
In this candid episode of the xoMAN podcast, host Kiara Walker talked with Devale Ellis, actor, social media personality, and star of Zatima, about modern masculinity, learning to be a better husband, emotional presence in marriage, fatherhood for Black men, and leading by example.
“I Wasn’t Present Emotionally”: Devale Ellis on Marriage Growth
Devale Ellis On Learning He Was a ‘Bad Husband’
Ellis grew up believing that a man should prioritize providing for his family. “I know this may come off as misogynistic, but I feel like it’s my responsibility as a man to pay for everything,” he said, emphasizing the wise guidance passed down by his father. However, five years into his marriage to long-time partner Khadeen Ellis, he realized provision wasn’t just financial.
“I was a bad husband because I wasn’t present emotionally… I wasn’t concerned about what she needed outside of the resources.”
Once he shifted his mindset, his marriage improved. “In me trying to be of service to her, I learned that me being of service created a woman who is now willing to be of service to me.”
On Redefining Masculinity and Fatherhood
For Ellis, “being a man is about being consistent.” As a father of four, he sees parenthood as a chance to reshape the future.
“Children give you another chance at life. I have four different opportunities right now to do my life all over again.”
He also works to uplift young Black men, reinforcing their worth in a world that often undermines them. His values extend to his career—Ellis refuses to play roles that involve domestic violence or sexual assault.
On Marriage, Family Planning, and Writing His Story
After his wife’s postpartum preeclampsia, Ellis chose a vasectomy over her taking hormonal birth control, further proving his commitment to their partnership. He and Khadeen share their journey in We Over Me, and his next book, Raising Kings: How Fatherhood Saved Me From Myself, is on the way.
Through honesty and growth, Devale Ellis challenges traditional ideas of masculinity, making his story one that resonates deeply with millennial women.
For the xoMAN podcast, host Kiara Walker peels back the layers of masculinity with candid conversations that challenge stereotypes and celebrate vulnerability. Real men. Real stories. Real talk.
Want more real talk from xoMAN? Catch the full audio episodes every Tuesday on Spotify and Apple Podcasts, and don’t miss the full video drops every Wednesday on YouTube. Hit follow, subscribe, and stay tapped in.
Featured image by YouTube/xoNecole
My personal relationship with birth control pills is a bit of an odd one. Back when I first became sexually active (I started having sex with my first boyfriend a couple of months shy of 19), I took them for a couple of months, didn’t like how they made me feel, and so I quit using them altogether (and got pregnant almost immediately after). The rest of my adult life, I stayed off of the pill and pretty much only used condoms (and even then, not consistently — SMDH).
And yet here I am, now, all these years later, back on them again: surprise, surprise.
These days, it's for a completely different purpose, though. Now that I am in the hopefully latter stages of perimenopause (I’m not sure because my mother had a full hysterectomy at 29, her mother died at 53 and I don’t deal with my paternal grandmother because…chile… ) — although I have always had relatively easy cycles and I could definitely set my watch to them, about two years ago, my periods started to show up whenever they felt like it and it was damn near a crime scene once they did.
It was driving me crazy, and so, my nurse practitioner recommended that I take progestin-only pills to shorten, if not completely stop, my cycle: “After a year or so, we can wean off and see if you are entering into menopause on your own.” (Whew, perimenopause, chile.)
Although the first five months of being on this particular pill made me wonder if it was worth it to take this approach, I actually re-upped for another 12-month cycle because the extra progestin (a synthetic form of progesterone) has benefitted me in other areas as well because I am sleeping more soundly and my weight is more stabilized (by the way, when these things are “off,” they are signs of low progesterone levels). However, I did ask my nurse practitioner if, once I do decide to wean off of the pill, would there be any issues.
Her response is what inspired me to write this article because, until she said “post-birth control syndrome” to me, I had no idea there was such a thing. Anyway, if you give me a sec, I’ll explain to you what it is and why you should care if hormone-related birth control is currently a part of your life.
Yes, Post-Birth Control Syndrome Is a Very Real Thing
Okay, so it’s important to always remember that the way that birth control works is it “manipulates” your hormones so that you can significantly reduce your chances of conceiving. This means that taking them could result in some side effects including nausea; weight gain; headaches; irregular periods and/or spotting; increased stress; depression; blurry vision; breast tenderness, and/or a lowered libido.
That said, even though birth control pills are basically 99 percent effective (when taken correctly and consistently), if the side effects that you are experiencing are making you close to miserable, you should absolutely share that with your healthcare provider because…what’s the sense in preventing pregnancy when you don’t even feel up to having sex because you don’t feel good or your sex drive is shot? More times than not, your provider can find you another pill brand or option that will help you to feel more like yourself.
With that out of the way, think about it — if going on the pill can produce side effects, why would going off of it…not? And this is where post-birth control syndrome comes in.
For the most part, it’s what can happen to your body once you decide to come off of birth control. Typically, the symptoms will last anywhere between 4-6 months and, although the symptoms seem to present themselves most intensely as it relates to going off of the pill, any hormone-related birth control (like IUDs, injections, patches, the ring or implants) could produce similar outcomes.
Outcomes like what?
- Irregular cycles
- Breakouts
- Excessive gas and/or bloating
- Weight gain
- Anxiety and/or depression
- Fertility issues
- Migraines and/or headaches
- Shifts in your libido
- Sleeplessness/restlessness
- Hair loss
Whoa, right? And if a part of you is wondering, “Okay, if this is indeed the case, why have I not heard of this syndrome before?” It’s because it’s not a term that conventional method uses nearly as much as alternative medicine does. Still, it makes all of the sense in the world that if your body has to adjust to an uptick in hormonal intake, it would also need to adjust to removing those extra doses of hormones from your system as well. COMMON. DAMN. SENSE.
Anyway, if you were thinking about taking a break from birth control and taking all of this in has you feeling a bit…let’s go with the word “trepidatious” about doing so, I totally get it. There are some things that you can do to make experiencing post-birth control syndrome either a non-issue or a far more bearable one, though.
7 Home Remedies That Can Make Coping with Post-Birth Control Syndrome Easier
1. Take a multivitamin.Something that’s fascinating about what going off of birth control can do is it sometimes has the ability to lower your nutrition levels as it relates to certain vitamins and minerals; this is especially the case when it comes to vitamins B, C, E and minerals like magnesium, selenium and zinc. So, if you don’t currently take a multivitamin, now would be the time to start (along with consuming foods that are particularly high in those nutrients as well).
2. Up your vitamin D intake. Speaking of nutrient levels, a vitamin level that commonly drops after going off of birth control isvitamin D. This is hella critical to keep in mind as a Black woman since many of us tend to be naturally deficient in the vitamin as-is and vitamin D is important when it comes to fighting off diseases, regulating weight and keeping your moods stabilized (for starters). So, make sure that your multivitamin has vitamin D in it. Also make sure to consume vitamin D-enriched foods like fatty fish, eggs, mushrooms, yogurt and fortified orange juice.
3. Drink herbal teas. Since going off of birth control will cause your hormones to be all over the place for a season, consider drinking some herbal teas that will help to stabilize them. Black cohosh contains phytoestrogen properties, Chasteberry can help to level out your prolactin levels and green tea can help your hormones out by helping to balance out your insulin (which can sometimes directly affect them).
4. Keep some ibuprofen nearby. The headaches and migraines? Until those subside, you and ibuprofen are probably going to become really good friends; although I will add that ginger tea and inhaling essential oils like chamomile and lavender can help to ease migraine-related symptoms too.
5. Do some meditating. Waiting for your hormones to get back on track can be stressful as all get out. That said, something that can get your cortisol (stress hormone) levels to chill out is to meditate. If meditation is new for you, check out “7 Meditation Hacks (For People Who Can't Seem To Do It).”
6. Get massages. As if you needed an excuse to get a massage, right (check out “12 Different Massage Types. How To Know Which Is Right For You.”)? However, there is some evidence to back the fact that regular massages (somewhere around once a month) can help to lower your stress, boost your dopamine, increase blood flow and drain your lymphatic system so that you will have more energy.
7. Sleep/rest more. There is plenty of scientific research out here which says that sleep deprivation can throw your hormones out of whack — and since your hormones are already trying to stabilize themselves, you definitely need to get 6-8 hours of sleep and not feel the least bit guilty about taking naps sometimes too.
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Post-birth control syndrome may not be the most pleasant thing about getting off of birth control yet it is manageable. So, now that you know all about it, you can feel more confident about taking a birth control break (or getting off altogether) — without the surprises that can come with doing it. Give thanks.
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