Breakup season is upon us ladies.
The weather is getting nicer, sundresses are making their return, and men are losing their minds! Cuffing season has come and went and while your wintertime boo may have kept you warm on more than a few nights, you both knew once the weather broke, his services would no longer be needed and here you are, single and ready to mingle (or not).
Whether you chose to end things or he did, a breakup does not have to be the end of the world for you. In fact, breakups can often lead us to discovering what matters most: ourselves.
Remain Positive
A woman can date a man for three months and have a complete breakdown once that relationship has ended. The same woman can date a man for five years and not shed a single tear once the relationship dissolves. Breakups, as with anything else in life, are all about perspective. All relationships are not going to end in marriage and that is usually for the best.
Imagine if you married that guy you were head over heels for in high school or college. You've seen his Facebook and he probably looks nothing like he did back then. Believe me, I've had a few high school crushes and their Facebook and IG pages reveal time has not done them well at all. I digress, remaining positive in any situation will always help you see the bigger picture. So the relationship with one guy didn't work out, you do realize that there are literally billions more in the world, right?
Take time to think about why things didn't work out.
Maybe his purpose in your life was not to someday become the man you marry but to help teach you something that you can use in your life. I believe every negative situation has a positive to it. Be thankful for the positives you've gained from this experience, even if the only positive thing you can think of is that you got out of it. Be thankful that you had the sense to end a dead end relationship.
Reclaim Your Focus
When I was younger, I was extremely attached to my then-boyfriend, now-husband. I spent way too much time with him. Either he was at my house or I was at his. Every holiday, every weekend, almost every night was spent with him and this went on for years. It wasn't until we had tension that I found myself spending more time with my friends and family. I didn't even realize at the time that I had been neglecting them, and even myself, to the point that I had.
When we're in love, it's easy to want to spend every waking moment with your guy, but it is also extremely detrimental to your personal growth. At one point, his own mother had to sit down and have a talk with me about my future one day when I was cleaning his room while he was at school. I was a mess guys. Maybe you weren't as crazy in love as I was, but perhaps you also found yourself slipping away while dating and simply did not spend as much time focusing on your own goals, wants, and needs while you were in the relationship.
Being single is the perfect time to focus on you.
Now that you are single, you can use all of that time and energy you would on a man on yourself. Imagine how amazing you will feel simply by giving to yourself what you were giving to him. Focus on losing that relationship weight you put on and becoming more healthy, start spending time getting to know you. What do you like to do outside of a relationship? Start that business you have been putting off for years. Spend time with your family that you always say you are going to call but don't. Go have drinks with your girls that never got to see you when you were with him. Simply reclaim your time and focus on building and being a better you.
Recreate Yourself
Just because you've always been the shy girl, the loud one, the serial dater, the hopeless romantic, the mean girl, the too nice girl, the insecure girl, or the easy girl, doesn't mean you have to continue being that girl. Whatever title was stamped on you, whatever you felt you were, and whatever image you felt the need to maintain, as easily as you got is as easy as you can erase and recreate yourself into the woman you want to be. Another beautiful thing about breakups is not only discovering who you are but getting the chance to redefine who you are for yourself.
Maybe you were always so-and-so's girlfriend. You always hung with his circle of friends and family and to many of them, that is all that you were. Maybe you've simply had a negative title placed on you as a person and you are not, never were, or no longer want to be that girl. Change it. Growing up, I never knew where I fit in. I never met anyone quite like me and though I have some amazing friends in many of my circles, I felt like an outsider.
Often times in dating, we conform without even realizing it and take on the image of what our partner thinks is most beautiful even if that goes against what we feel. By redefining, recreating, or rediscovering ourselves, we allow ourselves to be the woman we have always known we were deep down inside. And what is more beautiful than being yourself?
While I'm not denying the facts that breakups can be hard, heartbreaking, and, at times, nothing short of gut-wrenching, they do not equal the end of the world and most certainly not the end of you. All things in life come to an end and depending on your mindset, that end can be as beautiful as you want it to be.
I hope in this season you discover all of the beautiful things about you without the need of a man or anyone else telling you.
Featured image by Giphy
In a xoNecoleexclusive, the iconic actress opens up about embracing this season of her life, new projects, and overall being a “bad motherfucker.” Gabrielle reveals that she was 37 years old when she was diagnosed with perimenopause and is still going through it at 51 years old. Mayo Clinic says perimenopause “refers to the time during which your body makes the natural transition to menopause, marking the end of the reproductive years.”
“I haven't crossed over the next phase just yet, but I think part of it is when you hear any form of menopause, you automatically think of your mother or grandmother. It feels like an old-person thing, but for me, I was 37 and like not understanding what that really meant for me. And I don't think we focus so much on the word menopause without understanding that perimenopause is just the time before menopause,” she tells us.
Gabrielle Union
Photo by Brian Thomas
"But you can experience a lot of the same things during that period that people talk about, that they experienced during menopause. So you could get a hot flash, you could get the weight gain, the hair loss, depression, anxiety, like all of it, mental health challenges, all of that can come, you know, at any stage of the menopausal journey and like for me, I've been in perimenopause like 13, 14 years. When you know, most doctors are like, ‘Oh, but it's usually about ten years, and I'm like, ‘Uhh, I’m still going (laughs).’”
Conversations about perimenopause, fibroids, and all the things that are associated with women’s bodies have often been considered taboo and thus not discussed publicly. However, times are changing, and thanks to the Gabrielle’s and the Tia Mowry’s, more women are having an authentic discourse about women’s health. These open discussions lead to the creation of more safe spaces and support for one another.
“I want to be in community with folks. I don't ever want to feel like I'm on an island about anything. So, if I can help create community where we are lacking, I want to be a part of that,” she says. “So, it's like there's no harm in talking about it. You know what I mean? Like, I was a bad motherfucker before perimenopause. I’m a bad motherfucker now, and I'll be a bad motherfucker after menopause. Know what I’m saying? None of that has to change. How I’m a bad motherfucker, I welcome that part of the change. I'm just getting better and stronger and more intelligent, more wise, more patient, more compassionate, more empathetic. All of that is very, very welcomed, and none of it should be scary.”
The Being Mary Jane star hasn’t been shy about her stance on therapy. If you don’t know, here’s a hint: she’s all for it, and she encourages others to try it as well. She likens therapy to dating by suggesting that you keep looking for the right therapist to match your needs. Two other essential keys to her growth are radical transparency and radical acceptance (though she admits she is still working on the latter).
"I was a bad motherfucker before perimenopause. I’m a bad motherfucker now, and I'll be a bad motherfucker after menopause. Know what I’m saying? None of that has to change. How I’m a bad motherfucker, I welcome that part of the change."
Gabrielle Union and Kaavia Union-Wade
Photo by Monica Schipper/Getty Images
“I hope that a.) you recognize that you're not alone. Seek out help and know that it's okay to be honest about what the hell is happening in your life. That's the only way that you know you can get help, and that's also the only other way that people know that you are in need if there's something going on,” she says, “because we have all these big, very wild, high expectations of people, but if they don't know what they're actually dealing with, they're always going to be failing, and you will always be disappointed. So how about just tell the truth, be transparent, and let people know where you are. So they can be of service, they can be compassionate.”
Gabrielle’s transparency is what makes her so relatable, and has so many people root for her. Whether through her TV and film projects, her memoirs, or her social media, the actress has a knack for making you feel like she’s your homegirl. Scrolling through her Instagram, you see the special moments with her family, exciting new business ventures, and jaw-dropping fashion moments. Throughout her life and career, we’ve seen her evolve in a multitude of ways. From producing films to starting a haircare line to marriage and motherhood, her journey is a story of courage and triumph. And right now, in this season, she’s asking, “What’s next?”
“This is a season of discovery and change. In a billion ways,” says the NAACP Image Award winner. “The notion of like, ‘Oh, so and so changed. They got brand new.’ I want you to be brand new. I want me to be brand new. I want us to be always constantly growing, evolving. Having more clarity, moving with different purpose, like, and all of that is for me very, very welcomed."
"I want you to be brand new. I want me to be brand new. I want us to be always constantly growing, evolving. Having more clarity, moving with different purpose, like, and all of that is for me very, very welcomed."
She continues, “So I'm just trying to figure out what's next. You know what I mean? I'm jumping into what's next. I'm excited going into what's next and new. I'm just sort of embracing all of what life has to offer.”
Look out for Gabrielle in the upcoming indie film Riff Raff, which is a crime comedy starring her and Jennifer Coolidge, and she will also produce The Idea of You, which stars Anne Hathaway.
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Feature image by Mike Lawrie/Getty Images
