
I'll admit it. I'm pretty violent about not involving myself in things (or with folks) that disrupt my calm and peace of mind. And yes, I know that is pretty much a play on words. It's designed to be.
As I've been devoting a lot of these past several months to healing the "PTSD Shellie" so that I can live the kind of life I was created to live before all of the abuse, trauma, and disappointments, something that I've looked into is what are known as anxiety triggers. Our health; certain types of medication; caffeine; negative thoughts; hoarding; poor financial choices (include impulse spending); going to public events (that you'd prefer to sit out on); unforgivingness; toxic relationships; unhealthy lifestyle habits; avoiding confrontation; being too confrontational and stress—all of these things can play a direct role in if we're a peace-filled individual or not.
Once I learned what my personal triggers were (I don't need to buy another pair of Pumas; I need to save more money and I don't need to justify my boundaries with toxic individuals; I just need to keep them), my life has become so much more harmonious, stable, mellow, undisturbed…calm. And when you truly find the peace that passes all understanding, you will do whatever it takes to not disrupt or disturb that. Ever.
Not to say that life (including the people in it) doesn't throw some curveballs every now and then. That's why, along with figuring out my anxiety triggers, I've also discovered some immediate ways to calm down whenever they try and push me.
The next time some person, place, thing, or idea tries to stress you all the way out, I'd be shocked if these tips don't pull you back into a tranquil mindset.
Deep Breathe

Our bodies need oxygen in order to survive. That's a no-brainer. But if we all knew all of the health benefits that come from deep breathing, I bet a lot more of us would sign up for a yoga class or at least meditate more often in the mornings.
Not only does deep breathing help to detoxify our system, it also gives us more energy, improves our digestion and posture, boosts our mood, intensifies our orgasms, strengthens our heart, decreases pain, helps us to sleep better and yes—it immediately calms and relaxes us as well. No wonder mama would count to 10 whenever she caught us doing something crazy when we were little. See, deep breathing literally spared our lives!
If you've never done it before, it's a relatively simple practice. Take a deep long breath through your nose and hold it for a count of 3-5. Then, through your mouth, exhale slowly, making sure to relax the muscles in your face and shoulders. Do repetitions of 10, five times a day. Watch how much calmer you feel, almost immediately.
Walk Outside

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If you want to take deep breathing up a notch, do it while you're standing—or better yet, walking—outdoors. The sunlight will give you some much needed Vitamin D. As women, we all need a daily dose of D (no pun there) because it supports our immune system, strengthens our bones, helps to prevent breast cancer and, if we're trying to conceive, improves our fertility too.
And, since it's also the only vitamin that's considered to be a hormone, it is a truly effective way to balance your cortisol levels out as well.
Snack on Some Cashews, Blueberries or Dark Chocolate

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Speaking of cortisol, sometimes, when we're not eating as healthy as we should, it can cause the cortisol (the natural stress in our bodies) to spike. When that happens, we need foods that contain stress-reducing nutrients to balance everything out.
Foods that top the list include cashews, blueberries, and dark chocolate. Cashews contain potassium (a mineral that triggers serotonin to our neurotransmitters) and magnesium (a mineral that regulates our brain and nervous system). Blueberries have antioxidants and Vitamin C in them to bring our cortisol down to a healthy level. And dark chocolate? One study revealed that eating a dark chocolate bar (with 65 percent or more cocoa in it), once a day, for two weeks straight, decreased cortisol and also our fight-or-flight responses to anxiety, fear, and tension too. Cool. Very cool.
Listen to Some Rain Videos on YouTube

Ever wonder why the sound of rain helps you to have some of the best sleep (and sex) that you've ever had in your entire life? It's because rain mimics that sound that is similar to white noise. Whenever white noise triggers our sensory input, it immediately calms and centers us.
You could wait for a thunderstorm to happen in order to feel better. Or, you can do what I do and hop on over to YouTube and listen to some of their 10+ hour videos. Two of my personal favorites are this one and this one.
Recall a Favorite Memory

A technique that a lot of therapists use is when their clients are feeling anxious, they ask them to think of a great past memory. I do this sometimes when I'm working with married couples; I ask them to reflect back on a time when they felt really good about their relationship. It really is amazing to watch how quickly it calms them down.
It's been my experience that whenever stress arises, it's a good idea to think about a healthy and happy memory that is directly related to your source of stress at the moment.
Did your boss just piss you off? When was the last time they made you feel appreciated? Did your friend just hurt your feelings? What's the last great experience you shared with them? By doing this, not only will it bring a sense of tranquility (and even a bit of happiness) to your spirit about the particular situation, but about the person in general as well.
Find Yourself a Plant

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Think about it. Don't you feel calmer and happier around plants? Have you ever wondered why? Not only are plants aesthetically-pleasing to look at, but they help to reduce indoor air pollution too. What does this even remotely have to do with our stress levels? Indoor air pollution is as much as 2-5 times higher than outdoor air pollution and most of us spend most of our time indoors. Spending hours breathing in mold, pesticides, tobacco smoke, solvents (like house cleaners and gases from newly-installed carpet or furniture), radon and carbon monoxide can lead to coughing, sneezing, a sore throat, headaches, and fatigue. The worse your body feels, the more stressed out you'll become.
Since plants help to pull toxins out of the air, they are another avenue to calm and tranquility. Some of the more popular stress-reducing plants include jasmine, lavender, rosemary, bamboo palm, and Aloe Vera.
Related: These Easy To Care For Plants Thrive On Little To No Natural Light
Blow on Your Thumb

Sometimes we're stressed out because we've got an air passage blocked that we know absolutely nothing about. The solution? Suck or blow on your thumb. I know you probably think I'm making this up but hey, it supposedly activates our vagus nerve (the muscles that help to control the muscles in our throat) and, in turn, cause our heart rate and blood pressure to drop (in a good way).
Also, your thumb has its own pulse so, whenever you (gently) suck or blow on it, it'll slow down and relax you. (Now we get why babies do it, huh?)
Chew Some Gum

If someone just got on your very last nerve, rather than cussing them out, chew on some gum first. It might sound ridiculous, but this is another proven way to get your stress and anxiety levels in check. One study even revealed that people who chewed gum every day for two weeks had significantly lower stress than those who didn't.
Although researchers are still trying to figure out what makes gum such an effective calm-inducer, many believe that 1) it has to do with taking out our frustrations on the gum as we chew it and 2) it depends on the flavor of gum that is chosen. Your best bet? Peppermint. Although it's invigorating, it's really effective at relieving anxiety, stress, and even depression-related symptoms as well.
Log Off of Your Socials

Back in my Facebook days (when I was online there was barely Twitter and no Instagram), I must admit, that my page was pretty lit. You know what else it was? SEMI-STRESSFUL. It was a page where people could hop on and share/debate whatever, whenever, which was cool. But after a while, the combination of a constant influx of info, people being emotionally charged (and not always in a good way) and folks inboxing me with the expectation of not only getting back to them immediately but giving them free counseling—it all got to be too much.
My life has been sooooo much calmer without having social media accounts. And while I get the benefits that come with having them, if you're on every kind of social in the world, take out a moment to Google how social media tends to negatively affect our mental health. This includes our self-esteem, memory, sleep patterns, attention span and yes, our stress levels.
I'm not saying shut your socials down. I'm just saying that whenever Trump's tweets or an ex's IG posts get your heart to racing, it's a good idea to log off for a couple of hours or (gasp!) the rest of the day.
Do yourself a favor and drink some herbal tea while reading a book or call up a friend and have a real phone conversation instead. Watch what things like this does for your nervous system that Black Twitter cannot.
Kiss

Whew. Is there anything more perfect in this world than a well-timed, perfectly placed kiss? The icing on the cake is, not only does kissing feel like the peak of ecstasy, it's really good for your health too. How good? Kissing triggers "happy hormones" including oxytocin, dopamine, and serotonin in your system. Kissing also boosts your self-confidence, bonds you to your partner, soothes headaches, decreases allergy symptoms, reduces cavities, and lowers cortisol levels too.
So, if none of the other things I recommended appeal to you, at least be open to an impromptu smooch session. Your stress and anxiety levels will thank you—so will the rest of your body.
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Featured image by Getty Images.
Originally published on March 17, 2019
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Your October 2025 Monthly Horoscopes Are All About Magnetic Love & Divine Timing
October is about the power of attraction. This is the month to set your intentions, create space for a new beginning, and find your balance between the past, present, and future. There aren’t many astrological transits this month, signaling more possibilities in the air and an opportunity to create that which you desire.
We begin the month in Libra Season, and Libra Season is always the time of year when love is the highlight. With Juno also entering Sagittarius on October 1, right as we begin the month, it’s about committing yourself to a new adventure, to the gifts of love, and to perspectives that heal and bring you closer to another.
October 2025 Astrology: An Overview
Mercury enters Scorpio on October 6, and Mercury in Scorpio only knows depth. The conversations being had this month are inspiring, transformative, and a little more blunt than usual. This energy is good for the power of persuasion and for asking for what you want, especially within business and financial matters. On the same day, we have a Supermoon in Aries, and this is a powerful Full Moon for reflection, owning your power, and letting go of the insecurities that don’t resonate with what you want for yourself and your future.
Venus, the planet of love, moves into Libra on October 13 after being in Virgo for the past month, and after some time of healing and clarity in love, Libra is here to bring in the romance. Venus loves being in Libra, and this energy creates new beginnings within relationships and provides a little extra magic in this area of life. With Pluto going direct in Aquarius on the same day after being retrograde since May, life and love move forward mid-October, helping provide more stable and nurturing foundations in your personal life and community as well.
The New Moon of the month occurs in Libra on October 21, making it a beautiful time for manifesting romance, balance, and harmony in your world.
This New Moon aligns with the Sun in Libra, and it’s all about letting a new beginning transform your world and the love in your life for the better. Scorpio Season officially begins on October 22, and Neptune retrograde enters Pisces on the same day, bringing in some water sign energy into the mix. As we close out the month, it’s time to renew, honor the transformations occurring, and know that your dreams aren’t as far out of reach as they may seem at times.
Read for your sun and rising sign below to see what October 2025 has in store for you.
What October 2025 Has In Store For Your Zodiac Sign
ARIES
AriesKyra Jay for xoNecoleOctober is all about perspective, Aries. This is the month to trust the divine timing of your life, and not let the what-ifs overwhelm you. With the Sun in Libra, your sister sign, for most of the month, October is about building connections, finding your balance in love, and knowing that you are worthy of what your heart is seeking right now. We have a Supermoon in your sign on October 6, and emotions are a little heavier this month, but also healing. Give yourself grace, and let go of what isn’t working for you.
Venus is in your house of love from October 13 until November 6, and there is a lot to look forward to when it comes to romance and the relationship dynamics in your life as you move through the month. It’s about being confident in your power of attraction and letting love come to you right now. Before October comes to an end, we have a New Moon in your 7th house of love as well, and with all this energy in your relationship zone, life changes for you in love for the better in October.
TAURUS
TaurusKyra Jay for xoNecoleOctober is a spiritual month for you, Taurus. You are thinking a lot about your next steps ahead, and are getting organized, focused, and aligned. The Supermoon on October 6 is a time of reflection for you, and you are entering the month ready to let go of the past, heal, and create space for something new in your life. This month is all about trusting your intuition and letting your wisdom guide you in your personal growth and evolution.
You are more than where you have been, and this month is a reminder of that.
With Mars in Scorpio and in your 7th house of love all month, you are motivated by the partnerships in your life right now. Your love life and relationships are where the action is for you this month, and you are honoring your passion and direction here. Venus, your planetary ruler, moves into your house of health mid-month and into November, and you are leaving October seeking healthier habits, daily routines, and relationships. Overall, this month is helping you align with your vision.
GEMINI
GeminiKyra Jay for xoNecoleThis month is a fresh start for you, Gemini. Your heart is free, love is beaming, and you are feeling larger than life. This month is about taking a leap of faith in yourself, honoring your confidence in life, and being your biggest advocate. With the Sun in your 5th house of self-expression, romance, and happiness, and with Venus entering this same area of your chart mid-October, there is a lot to look forward to right now, and things are looking up for you.
On October 21, we have a New Moon in a fellow air sign, and this is a good time to set your intentions for creative projects, hobbies, romance, and your overall happiness in life. There are a lot of little moments of magic unfolding for you this month, and this New Moon is one of them. Before October comes to an end, Mercury, your ruling planet, enters Sagittarius, and this brings open communication into your relationships, and you are having lively conversations and insights.
CANCER
CancerKyra Jay for xoNecoleThis is a transformative month for you, Cancer. You are moving through closure, healing, and depth as you navigate the opportunities that are coming into your life, with the stability you are seeking. With the Sun in your 4th house of home and family in October, this is the month to spend more time in your safe spaces, connect with your loved ones, and get grounded. You are also more focused on your financial world right now, and this is a good time for building new foundations for yourself and looking at the bigger picture when it comes to your career and life goals.
Mars is in your house of romance and happiness for the entire month, and this is one of the highlights of your life right now. You are passionate about your joy and all the things that light you up inside, and you are protecting your peace and giving more of your energy to your pleasure. Before the month ends, we have a New Moon in Libra, highlighting your home life, and some Cancers may be moving at the end of the month or getting the opportunity to turn a page here. Overall, this is your month to reflect, go within, and make sense of what has been restricting you from feeling stable.
LEO
LeoKyra Jay for xoNecoleOctober is about taking things one day at a time and being patient with what is presenting itself to you, Leo. This month, you are getting your ducks in a row and gaining the clarity needed to create a new beginning in your life. The month begins with a Supermoon in a fellow fire sign on October 6, aligning in harmony with you and fueling your need for adventure. You are going over the wisdom you have gained as of late and how it has shifted the way you navigate your life and see the world around you.
On October 13, Pluto goes direct in your 7th house of love, after being retrograde here since May. This is bringing in more balance, empowerment, and passion into your love life, and this is a positive change of energy for you after a time of some power struggles within your relationships. Before the month comes to an end, we have a New Moon in Libra, and this New Moon is the best time to set intentions for clarity, communication, and connection. October is about taking your time with things and knowing that everything is working out in your favor at the end of the day.
VIRGO
VirgoKyra Jay for xoNecoleThis October is about finding your balance, Virgo. There is a lot of energy when it comes to your finances this month, but you may be overworking or overcommitting yourself in the process. Honor the opportunities and responsibilities in your life, but make sure you are equally taking care of your health and prioritizing your time and energy so that you don’t burn out. Venus, the planet of love, is in your sign until October 13; use this energy to your benefit and let things come to you.
You are a magnet for abundance, romance, and support if you allow yourself to receive it.
On October 13, Venus moves into your 2nd house of income, and your relationships are a supportive place for you to lean on right now. Your love life and partnerships are where your financial world is evolving this month, and this is a good time to ask for what you want; you never know what may happen. At the end of the month, Neptune goes retrograde in your sister sign, Pisces, and you are taking a step back and reassessing what love means for you right now. Overall, October is about remembering that you don’t have to do it all alone, Virgo.
LIBRA
LibraKyra Jay for xoNecoleLibra Season is here, and it’s your time to shine and thrive! This Libra Season changes everything for you, and October is when you really begin to feel this shift in your life. The Sun is in your sign until October 22, and it’s time to put yourself first. With a Supermoon in Aries as we begin the month as well, you are letting go of any unhealthy attachments or relationship dynamics that take you away from yourself, and are moving into deeper clarity.
On October 13, Venus, your planetary ruler, enters your sign, where it loves to be the most. With Venus in your sign for the rest of the month, love takes on a new tone, and you are feeling more love for yourself and where life is taking you right now. To end the month, we have a New Moon in Libra, and it’s time to set your intentions for where you want life to grow for you over the next year. This is a month of embarking on a new journey of self, and allowing what is inspiring you right now to build your confidence in yourself and your relationships.
SCORPIO
ScorpioKyra Jay for xoNecoleOctober is about honoring your freedom and your power to decide, Scorpio. A lot is going on for you this month, and you have the passion and energy to see things through. Mercury, the planet of communication, moves into your sign at the beginning of the month on October 6, and this is going to help you get your ideas across, making it a good month for business matters, networking, and getting inspired. With Mars also in your sign for the entire month, life moves forward for you in transformative ways in October, and you are a force to be reckoned with.
On October 13, Venus moves into your house of closure, healing, and endings, and you are ready to close one chapter of love and create space for a new one. You are in a contemplative space when it comes to matters of the heart, and you are ready to let go of any heaviness you have been feeling here. Scorpio Season officially begins on October 22, and you are ready to begin again. This Scorpio Season is about owning your confidence in life while letting go of insecurities or self-doubts that have been getting in the way of that.
SAGITTARIUS
SagittariusKyra Jay for xoNecoleEverything unfolds for you in a beautiful way this month, Sagittarius. You are flowing well with the energy of October, and life opens up to you. With the Sun in your 11th house of aspirations, dreams, manifestations, and community, you are feeling in balance with your desires and your reality, and are bridging the gap here. This is a month of friendship, believing in your dreams, and creating space for love. With Juno also entering your sign at the beginning of the month until the end of the year, you are attracting soulmates into your life.
On October 6, we have a Supermoon in a fellow fire sign, allowing you some closure in love and a chance at healing. Your heart is feeling renewed, and you are owning your power in creating happiness in your life. Before the month ends, Mercury moves into Sagittarius, where it will be until mid-November, and inspiration is heightened. Pay attention to the guidance you are receiving this month, the conversations you are having, and the light bulb moments that are going off for you right now.
CAPRICORN
CapricornKyra Jay for xoNecoleOctober is about going within and connecting with the guidance of your soul, Capricorn. You are taking more time for yourself this month, and rightly so, as you need time to fully process what has happened so far this year. Pluto goes direct in your 2nd house of income, and this moves things forward when it comes to your earning potential, abundance, and values.
The key this month is in valuing yourself, your perspective, and what you are building in your life right now.
On October 21, we have a New Moon happening in your career zone, and this is a good time to manifest your goals within your professional world. Put yourself out there, show up, and know that you are worthy of success and that your dreams aren’t too big for you. As we close out the month, Mercury moves into your house of closure, even further facilitating your desire for contemplation and alone time this month. Overall, October is about taking care of your mental health, owning your successes, and finding your peace.
AQUARIUS
AquariusKyra Jay for xoNecoleOctober is a new beginning for you in love and in life, Aquarius. Your heart is feeling inspired, and there is a lot to look forward to right now. The Supermoon at the beginning of the month will be occurring in your 3rd house of communication, giving you the answers you have been looking for and helping you close the door on a chapter in your life that left you feeling misunderstood or misdirected. You are ready for a change of pace this month, and you are receiving that as we begin October.
Mid-October, Pluto goes direct in your sign after being retrograde since May, and this is a huge breath of fresh air for you and your path ahead. You may have been a little harder on yourself while Pluto was retrograde this year, and now you feel ready to forgive, move on, and own your power. Before the month comes to an end, we have a New Moon in Libra, and you are embarking on a new adventure. The end of the month is a good time for traveling, exploring, and gaining a new perspective.
PISCES
PiscesKyra Jay for xoNecoleThis month is giving you the guidance, perspective, and passion to see yourself with clear, loving eyes, Pisces. There is a sense of feeling more overwhelmed with life lately, and October is allowing you to gain the insight needed to move on from this energy, or at least see more of the gifts of what has occurred. On October 6, we have a Supermoon in an area of your chart having to do with self-worth, values, and income, and it’s time to see the gifts of what you have been investing in and valuing in your life, including yourself.
Let go of the need to play it small or count yourself out of important conversations, and know that you deserve a seat at the table.
With Pluto going direct in your 12th house of healing as we end the month, you are finally getting the answers you have been looking for emotionally, and it’s changing your perspective on your commitments in life and making you feel empowered. Before the month ends, Neptune goes retrograde in Pisces, and you are going to be moving through a personal revolution as we close out the year. You are inspired by change right now, and this month is what kicks starts this metamorphosis within you.
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Featured image by Kyra Jay for xoNecole
9 Women Over 40 On Living Childfree & Reimagining Motherhood
I never imagined a life without children, but here I am, a single, 41-year-old childless lesbian, planning my next big adventure, while others post cute, back-to-school photos of their kids on social media. The shift in perspective occurred after years of pressure from myself, as well as from the people in my environment.
"Marsha, you're the last of the cousins without a child. What's up?" my male cousin questioned. Back then, my throat chakra wasn't as strong as it is now. So, instead of explaining how problematic his probing was, I replied, feeling defeated, "It's not that easy."
People rarely ask men why they don't have children. In fact, they're seen as unicorns if they've made it to their 40s without procreating. But women, we're held to a different standard. We were gifted with the superpower of nesting and nurturing a soul within our bodies. For nine months, women sacrifice their anatomy, enduring life-altering changes, to bring a human into the world.
It's an honor to be a mother, and at one point in life, that's all I wanted. So, when my partner of seven years wasn't ready to explore marriage and building a family together, we went our separate ways. I dedicated 2019 to getting pregnant, from medical turkey basters to Intrauterine Insemination, to no avail. It was mentally, physically, and emotionally exhausting, so at 35, I decided to wait until I was in a loving relationship. I had lots of time—or so I thought.
Five years later, I was no closer to motherhood.
I was in a relationship, but I knew she wasn't my person. I developed fibroids, which hijacked my body with irregular bleeding for a year and a half. The hard truth was, no matter how much I wanted this for myself, I had no control over when it would happen. So, after a couple of therapy sessions, I was encouraged to redefine how motherhood looks for me. Adoption or fostering a child still allowed me to explore my maternal instincts, without the pressure of a timeframe.
It was then that I removed the bricks that were weighing me down.
Redefining Motherhood On My Own Terms
That reframe prompted me to examine my life and identify the root of the pressure I felt. A huge part of me knew that I tied my worth to becoming a mother.
Carrying and birthing a child is a sacred experience gifted to a majority of people with a uterus. I had to realize that I'm worthy, period. Women were created to be more than the canal to life.
I also acknowledged that my desire to become a mother stemmed from wanting to love a child the way I needed to be loved growing up. We spend our adult lives identifying the source of the wounds that were created during our adolescent years so we can heal them.
I had a seemingly normal upbringing with a mother who loved me and tried her best, but there were moments in my adult life when I had to re-parent myself. I knew motherhood would be a healing experience for me, but I also understood that was a selfish reason to have a child.

Writer Marsha Badger, 41
Photo credit: Jonathan PearsonFinding Peace In A Childfree Life
Now, at 41, I've made peace with my decision not to have children, which allows me to finally experience life without the pressures of finding love and having a child before it's "too late." I am whole as I am, so I stopped looking for motherhood to complete me.
Society treats childless women like lepers, insinuating that something must be wrong with them if they haven't had children. And because we're the only vessel to bring life into this world, it became an expectation. But the truth is, motherhood isn't in the cards for everyone, and that decision isn't up for negotiation. When I decentered finding love and becoming a mom, I experienced a sense of peace and freedom.
There's a community of women struggling with the idea of motherhood and whether there's room for it in this chapter of their lives, and you're not alone. I asked 8 women over 40 six questions. The responses were honest, refreshing, and rooted in their truth. Here's what they had to say.
8 Women Over 40 Share Their Truths About Living Childfree
Lisa Smith, 50+

Courtesy
“I realized motherhood wasn’t in the cards for me in my 20s, but I have pursued motherhood in the past. Very briefly and for someone else and not me...a part of the problem was I didn't enjoy trying... ew. I didn’t feel pressured by society, but I did get asked why (I didn’t have children) a lot. That never made me want one though. I find people don’t like that answer. I'm so great with my decision."
“I have never really had a regret. I almost feel guilty saying it because it defines womanhood in some people's eyes. I'm really a woman with no kids and very happy about it."
"I have been around plenty of children all my life. I was a dance teacher, a Sunday school teacher, a girl scout troop assistant, and I've hosted numerous events for the children in my life. With all of that, nothing in me had that desire to be a mother. I don't hate children and I'm not selfish. However, my biological clock never ticked. I never got that instinctual thing that said, 'Have a baby.' I just didn't want one and it's okay, right? Well, at least it is to me, and my life is great!”
Cheresse Rogers, 41

Courtesy
“Honestly, I can't say there was an exact time that I realized motherhood wasn’t in the cards for me. I have sickle cell so I've battled back and forth for many years about it. That was my main reason why. But if I really had to put a time down when I first had a serious thought about it. I would say my early 20s. At one point in my life I did start looking into what it would take to adopt a child."
"But I never tried to get pregnant myself. Being a lesbian plays a part in my decision making. I will say even though personally my stance hasn't changed on carrying my own child, I am open to either adopting or my partner carrying. That is fine by me.”
“I wouldn’t say I felt pressured by society to have children. I will say at times it can be bothersome to have people keep asking. I've learned that my womanhood is not defined by whether I'm a mother or not. I believe I've lived and I'm living a life of meaningful and loving connections."
"That's what life is about. How we show up on this world. When I go to bed at night, do I sleep well knowing I made a positive impact on others, or did I do something that made me happy that day? That’s something to be proud of. That's what I think of when defining fulfillment.”
“I would say, to any other woman living with a chronic health issue or even to women who are not, do what feels right for you. Research your options. Talk to your doctors. I think at times we put our eggs in one basket. There are so many ways these days to become a mother. I know so many people want to experience the joys of carrying a child. But if you can not for whatever reason. Consider adopting or a surrogate if that's in your means. Do what makes you happy.”
Cam, 62 (asked to be anonymous)
"I have never pursued motherhood. I realized motherhood was not in the cards for me the very moment my mother explained that my ovaries produce eggs that might be fertilized by sperm and grow into a baby. I wasn't full of fear, hate or disgust. My thoughts just crystallized, and I asked my mother if I could have my ovaries removed because 'I knew I didn't want to have babies.' She told me no doctor would do that to me."
"I was thinking how silly it would be to spend a lot of time and money on tending to my ‘periods’ when I knew I was not going to make use of this ‘wonderful function.’ For the record, ten-year-old me genuinely knew myself. I am proud I never abandon my truth."
"I can’t have it all, all the time. Maybe that’s why momma wouldn’t let me get my ovaries removed. I had a lifetime of learning about cycles! I lived with them, through them, and accepted them. I guess that’s the secret of life.”
“Fulfillment on my terms is growing and pruning, living an examined life. I like learning and challenging myself. I like deciding how to spend precious time. I love laughter and laughing at myself. I love keeping folks around me who really accept me warts and all. And when I have the recipe just right…I get wonderful batches of fulfillment that balances the unpleasant elements of living.”
Sabrina Servance, 41

Photo credit: Teri Hofford
"I haven't pursued motherhood. If anything, I avoided it like the plague! When I was in my late twenties, I was still single and at that point, had never had a partner. It was always drilled into my head that the older you got, the harder it would be to have a baby. I reflected on the things I went through: I was severely bullied growing up and also suffer from mental illness, I couldn't imagine my own child going through the same things."
"The longer I thought about it, the more I knew motherhood was not for me. I was far too anxious to handle it and frankly, just didn't want to. Looking at how society is, I am glad that I stuck with my decision not to have children. I love being an aunt! But being a mom is not for me. I feel that the decision was the right thing for me."
"When I was single, I definitely felt it as the majority of my friends were getting married and having children. People kept asking me when I was going to have children, 'Why hadn't I tried?' And when I got married, forget it. The societal pressure is even worse. Eventually, I felt comfortable telling people that I had no desire to be a mother, which people HATED hearing."
"I think that so often, as women, we spend too much time doing what we think we're supposed to do rather than what we want to do. Motherhood is a huge step, and it's okay not to be sure if you want children. It's also okay to say you want children and then change your mind."
"All those people questioning your life choices aren't going home with you to raise your baby, so do what's best for you. I define fulfillment by being able to live life the way I have always dreamed of and pursuing things that weren't possible when I was younger."
Chanel Banks, 44

Courtesy
“I realized motherhood might not be in the cards for me when I started to tap into myself. When I started to become more aware of myself and understand the sacrifice of what motherhood would look like for me. I have pursued motherhood in the past. But as times have changed and I’ve gotten older, I see my life and society through a different lens."
"I didn’t feel pressured by society. Being a mother is a personal choice. If anything, society has allowed me to view motherhood from a bigger point than just myself."
"I feel good about that decision today. Sometimes we have to ask ourselves why we really want something and answer honestly. Do you want it for you? Or for the idea? Do what is best for you and no one else.”
“I define fulfillment on my own terms as living authentically, with freedom and purpose. For me, that means creating a life I love. Nurturing my passions, traveling, and growing as a woman and wife. My joy comes from designing a life that reflects who I truly am.”
Krystle H, 41

Courtesy
"I realized motherhood was not in the cards for me because I haven't been blessed to have a man who is a loving, humorous, fun, outgoing, generous, king and provider. I never pursued motherhood or felt pressured by society. I am happy I never attempted to pursue motherhood with any of the men I dated on a long-term basis because I have no intentions of being a single parent."
"As I approached my 40s, currently at age 41, I have reflected heavily on my past experiences. In looking at these experiences in retrospect, none of these men were providers."
"Although relationships are not guaranteed to be eternal, it is very important to select your partner wisely and carefully. If we aren't meant to continue our relationship, I need to know that he has the ability and mindset to coparent and/or financially provide for his children."
"To me, fulfillment is great health (physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual), financial stability, happiness, good family members and good friends, a stable, solid dwelling, and self-sufficiency. If motherhood is meant for you, it will be for you. Do not allow society to pressure you into motherhood if you are not financially, mentally, and emotionally prepared to be a parent."
Ashia, 40

Courtesy
"I learned that motherhood might not be in the cards for me at 37, when I had my second miscarriage. For the second time, my body was rejecting what seemed to be 'natural.' I got pregnant a month after getting married (not planned, but loved), and it only lasted 11 weeks. I have an autoimmune disease, and although I stopped taking the medicine to suppress/help a year before getting pregnant, my body rejected the fetus. Three years later, I got pregnant again, this time with twins, and my body rejected it for the second time."
"I don't feel pressured by society at all. For a long time, I was afraid to get pregnant, or rather, because of trauma. I used to always say, 'I never want to be my mom to my children, and why would I choose to bring a child into this world that could be born with the same disease as me, and go through the same health issues I've gone through?'"
"And then, on the other hand, I'm the only child who can have children, and I sometimes wonder--although they never say--if my parents feel any emotion about not having grandchildren. I don't let it affect my decision in any way. Because I'm the one who has to keep choosing this life, for the rest of my life. And I don't know if I've reached that level of adulting yet."
"I'm fulfilled because I am here. I am taking the trips, reading the books, going to the events, and still being present for myself and my friends/family. I can choose to show up when I'm whole and can love you from a good place, or lock myself in the bedroom for days on end and not feel obligated to 'perform' because a little is dependent on me."
"There are days when I want to have a baby, and there are days when I am grateful I don't have a child to depend on me. Because some days I don't have the mental capacity to deal with myself, let alone a child. I really commend women who choose to be parents. For anyone who is on the fence, I say just be. Give yourself grace and patience to do whatever YOU want. Not society, or your family, or even FOMO (this is a terrible reason by the way), decides FOR YOU. You're the only one who has to live this life."
Christina L., 42

Courtesy
"I am on a journey of self-discovery, and motherhood is my calling, but I remain open to redefining what that means. After 10 years of navigating fertility challenges and undergoing three procedures to enhance my chances of conceiving, I have faced setbacks. However, my spirit remains unyielding. I am wholeheartedly embracing the possibilities of adoption or the use of donated eggs as we forge ahead."
"When I decided I was ready, I was referred to a fertility clinic to address my low egg count and advised to start the IVF journey immediately for a chance at motherhood. While my partner wasn't ready at the time, I believed they were my person, so I chose to wait. A year later, I opted for UFE, the less invasive approach, to preserve my opportunity for a vaginal birth."
"Eight months later, I underwent a procedure to clear the debris left by dead fibroid tissue in hopes of improving my chances, but still, I faced challenges, and my periods began to lessen. The following year, I completed a gastric sleeve surgery, transforming my health and shedding 100 lbs."
"Despite not yet achieving my dream of having children, I began to reimagine motherhood, embracing the resilience and strength that come from my journey, knowing there are still many ways to nurture and love in this world."
"For a long time, I hesitated to pursue motherhood, but I realized waiting held me back from making my dreams a reality. I found the courage to prioritize my own journey over my fears of failure as a mother and worries about a partner's shortcomings. Embracing my path became my true expectation. I feel guilty because I should have addressed this more practically a long time ago, saving my eggs. My procrastination may have robbed me of the chance of having a child biologically."
Featured image courtesy of Christina L.









