Monica Is A Reminder That We Shouldn't Be Ashamed Of Our Struggles
No one likes a liar, but let's not pretend that it's always easy to tell the truth. Being honest is all fun and games until the time comes for you to be real with yourself and you're forced to confront all of the self-truths that you've tried so hard to avoid. For example, you may live a lavish lifestyle today, but you can never forget the little girl that had to hustle to get there. You may be on the path to healing now, but you can never forget the breakup that almost broke you.
While you are not defined by your past, you also can't choose to ignore it, and Monica says that learning this lesson has impacted her life in a significant way. To this singer, telling the truth has been an integral part of her life when it comes to both her family and her career, but Monica says that she could only build that foundation after learning how to keep it a buck.
In fact, this truth-telling instinct was what led to the title of her first album that ultimately jumpstarted her career in the entertainment industry. In an interview with ESSENCE, the singer said:
"The [reason] they named the album 'Miss Thang' was because I would hear songs—that definitely ended up being hit records for other people—and I would say 'Nah. I wouldn't even say that. I wouldn't even do that. I don't want to sing that.' So, the running joke was 'Here comes Miss Thang. Play it for her, see if she likes it.' So, the title of the album ended up being Miss Thang. Everybody there kind of took to that."
Miss Thang turned out to be more than just an album title, it was a testament to not being herself, even when being herself made others uncomfortable.
"I look back and I'm grateful for that because I never had to pretend or be pretentious in any way. It was just me doing me and coming from where I'm from, that was important for girls like myself to see."
Monica says that even now, she carries this same spirit of keeping it 100 all the way into her adult life. Since filing from her husband of almost ten years in March, the singer says that her life has gotten a lot more complicated. Between questions from her kids about "stopping divorce" and the media in her business 24/7, Monica says that this truth-telling policy has been hard to uphold. Although initially, Monica was adamant about not filming or releasing the details of her divorce, she says that choosing transparency has helped her family heal:
"I'm not ashamed of what's happening in my life. I just think because I still have such a love and respect, even for Shannon, that there [are] certain things that are just not up for discussion. We don't have to be together to respect one another."
Honesty is easy when the truth is convenient, but the truth is most times, it's not. Monica is a reminder that there is no shame in your struggle, sis. While that doesn't mean that you should go out and spill all your tea, it may be time to steep in your own for a while. She explained that while she is selective about the information she shares with the world, she has friends like Tiny and Toya who have been through a lifetime of heartbreak and can hold her accountable for her truths:
"Those women are really my friends. We try to protect each other. Tiny and Toya have been through a lot. Those are all people that have experienced what I'm going through. So you take it one day at a time. But when it comes to what you share with the world, there just has to be limitations."
Check out Monica's full interview on the Yes, Girl! podcast here!
Featured image by Leon Brezer / Shutterstock.com
Taylor "Pretty" Honore is a spiritually centered and equally provocative rapper from Baton Rouge, Louisiana with a love for people and storytelling. You can probably find me planting herbs in your local community garden, blasting "Back That Thang Up" from my mini speaker. Let's get to know each other: @prettyhonore.
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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When discussing the topic of raising children, discipline is often the first thing that comes to mind. Children need discipline. Full stop. But what is discipline? And how do we draw the line between discipline and revenge?
The origin of the word "discipline" can be traced back to the Latin word "disciplina," which means "instruction" or "teaching." Over time, however, discipline has come to be synonymous with punishment, with parents relying on shame, fear, and/or physical pain to curb undesirable behavior.
Teaching takes time, so nipping it in the bud in whatever fashion parents deem necessary (within reason) has become the norm. But is this what’s best for children? And when does it become less about curbing undesirable behavior and more about getting our licks back for offenses we feel our children should know better to do?
In my work as a parenting coach, I’ve often heard parents say, “I asked him nicely three times before spanking him. He didn’t stop doing it until I did, so clearly talking doesn’t work.”
And the parent isn’t wrong. Talking often doesn’t work the first, the third, or the even the 10th time. And the reason is directly tied to brain development.
Children cannot and do not process information the way an adult can. Auditory processing is not fully developed until a child is 14 or 15 years old. And even then, if a child has auditory processing delays or Auditory Processing Disorder (APD), they may always struggle with processing auditory commands. According to Susie S. Loraine, MA, CCC-SLP, the term auditory processing refers to how the brain perceives and interprets sound information. Several skills determine auditory processing ability—or listening success. They develop in a general four-step hierarchy, but all work together and are essential for daily listening.
Without this understanding, discipline can easily become revenge because parents will then view their child’s misdeeds as a personal slight. Instead of teaching them to do better, parents now want to show them the consequences of not doing better. This is why it's imperative for parents to discern between discipline and revenge to maintain healthy relationships with their children.
5 WAYS TO DISTINGUISH BETWEEN PARENTAL GUIDANCE AND RETALIATION:
Understanding The Intent
Discipline is rooted in love and concern for the child's well-being. It focuses on teaching lessons and helping children understand the consequences of their actions. Conversely, revenge-driven actions stem from a desire to inflict pain or punishment as payback for perceived slights or disobedience. Parents should reflect on their motives before taking disciplinary actions. Ask yourself whether your intention is to help your child learn or to make them suffer for upsetting you.
Example: If a child accidentally breaks a valuable item, a disciplinary response would involve discussing the importance of being careful and working with the child to come up with a way to replace or fix what they’ve broken. On the other hand, a vengeful reaction might involve yelling, harsh punishment, or bringing up past mistakes to intensify guilt.
Maintaining Emotional Regulation
Effective discipline requires parents to remain calm and composed, even in challenging situations. It's natural to feel upset or frustrated when children misbehave, but responding with anger or resentment can escalate the situation and blur the line between discipline and revenge. Before addressing the issue, take a moment to breathe and collect your thoughts.
Example: If a child cannot follow instructions, a disciplined response would involve calmly explaining why their cooperation is necessary in working with the child to accomplish the goal. Conversely, a retaliatory response might involve shouting, name-calling, or resorting to physical punishment out of anger.
Promoting Growth and Learning
Discipline should always aim to promote growth and learning. It involves guiding children toward making better choices and understanding the impact of their actions on themselves and others. Effective discipline strategies include positive reinforcement, setting clear expectations, and providing opportunities for reflection and growth.
Example: If a child repeatedly forgets to complete their chores, a disciplinary approach would involve discussing the importance of responsibility and finding solutions together, such as creating a chore chart or setting reminders with Siri or Alexa. In contrast, a revenge-driven response might involve imposing overly harsh punishments or belittling the child, which can undermine their self-esteem and hinder their ability to learn from their mistakes.
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Building Trust and Communication
Trust and open communication are essential components of a healthy parent-child relationship. Discipline should strengthen this bond by fostering trust and encouraging children to confide in their parents without fear of judgment or retaliation. When children feel safe and supported, they're more likely to accept discipline as a form of guidance rather than punishment.
Example: If a child admits to breaking a rule or making a mistake, a disciplined response would involve listening to their perspective, discussing the consequences of their actions, and working together to find a solution. Conversely, a retaliatory response might involve accusations, blame, or shutting down communication, which can erode trust and damage the parent-child relationship.
Seeking Professional Guidance
Parenting is a learning journey, and, disciplining children is a delicate balance between guiding them toward responsible behavior and nurturing their growth. By understanding the intent behind our actions, maintaining emotional regulation, promoting growth and learning, building trust and communication, and seeking professional guidance when needed, as parents we can help our children built on love, respect, and understanding.
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Featured image by Courtney Hale/Getty Images