I'll admit, that planning any trip can feel like a daunting task. There are so many variables to consider, so much preparation, but the end result is so worth it (read: there are still bound to be f*ck ups). Europe was no different.
I wanted to go to London since I was a little girl watching the Olsen twins in the direct-to-video film Winning London. It had a lasting effect, similarly to the way Passport to Paris did. I was going to delay my travels until 2019, but ultimately decided why should I wait any longer. I can work anywhere, the nature of my life warrants flexibility, so I am finally free to move like the water I have always felt a special connection to. And so, I decided to start planning my long lusted trip to London, England with plans to also stop in Paris.
Initially, I chose April, but after a death in the family inspired me to press pause for just a bit, reconnect to what I really want (hello, apartment), and second-guess traveling this year once again all together, I was going to cancel. Luckily, my heart sang a different tune and I decided to sing to that instead - opted for October, paid the $308 fee to change my flight, and was London-bound for the fall.
And for those of you who might be feeling overwhelmed by the planning of it all, I've done some of the necessary work for you by gathering some of the tips that helped me plan my first European travel excursion. Check 'em out below:
Do All The Necessary Prep Work Ahead Of Time
Arriving at St. Pancras International in London
Photo Cred: Terrence Porter
Note that while there's no such thing as an "off-peak" season in Paris, you can find cheaper airline deals between September-December range (anytime after or before summer is best to avoid the heavy tourist crowd). Ensure that your passport is up to date, also read up the parameters of travel limitations for the place you plan to visit. You can read up on that via the Bureau of Consular Affairs for the given country's international travel information. Before you travel abroad, also be sure to make copies of your important travel and identity docs, i.e. your passport, license, and perhaps your social security card. In addition to your plane tickets, book any additional transportation plans, like a rental car, public transportation passes, or a train if necessary.
In our case, purchasing our train tickets for Eurostar ahead of time were a must too. It's advised to start booking your train from London to Paris at least three months in advance (find them here). We did our best to leave a couple of hours between our flights' arrival and our train's departure so that once we touched down in London, we'd take the train to Paris to pack our travel day as much as possible and do a one-shot to our next destination.
In reality, what actually happened was we missed our train by about five minutes and had to pay 44 euros for a new ticket for the next train to Paris. Some research on my part would have been helpful in figuring out how to map out the train departure in relation to our flight arrival, especially because London St. Pancras International ended up being kind of far from the airport (about 35-45 minutes to be exact). And if you do nothing else, get an International plan with your cell phone service because the data will be needed for Ubers and such. Trust. And because my friend and I had Airbnbs in both locations, WhatsApp and some data comes clutch for the check-in process. So again I say, TRUST.
Lodging Recommendations
In Paris:
Hotel Emile - it's located in Marais, relatively close to a metro station, and offers free breakfast with direct booking.
Airbnb - we stayed in this studio apartment. It was very quaint and located in a trendier complex in the North part of Paris. Close to laundry, cafes, food, grocery stores, and only a few miles away from big attractions.
In London:
The Pilgrm - it's located in Paddington, relatively close to the tube station, and is very stylish. If I didn't stay in an Airbnb, this was going to be the one.
Airbnb - Huma's Victorian townhome feels so authentically London, it was so dope to stay there for a few days. Definitely recommend.
See All The Must-See Attractions
Capturing moments at the Louvre
Photo Cred: Terrence Porter
It is impossible to see everything a city has to offer, especially in the span of three days. Think about it, there are people who call these cities home and still haven't seen everything it has to offer. On your first day, make a running list of attractions that you feel are the Must-See places and hit them up when the day breaks. See as much as possible, and do as much as possible, especially during your first day in a new place. This will give allow you to see all of the touristy spots, while also allowing the freedom of sticking a pin in some of your favorite sights to potentially go to again before your trip is over.
In London, everything was very centralized and the tube was really easy to navigate, so hitting up Big Ben, London Bridge, the London Eye, Buckingham Palace, Hyde Park, and Kensington Palace was done pretty effortlessly. On our first day in Paris, we walked to Montmartre, the Arc du Triomphe, and the Eiffel Tower. Because we chose walking over public transportation, we saved the Louvre for the next evening and allowed ourselves to indulge a little with the next tip.
Tour The City Like A Local
Taking in the Seine River in Paris
Photo Cred: Terrence Porter
This is the day to get lost, to take your time, and really take in the beauty and the history, the sights and sounds of the city in a less strategical way. While in Europe, I noticed that people had places to go but I also noted how lax a lot of the locals were with spending time in a state of experiencing. In Paris, they'd bring espresso and crepes to talk and gaze at the Seine or drink beer alongside the Thames. I even saw a guy outside of the Gare du Nord train station with an espresso cup that he rested on a newspaper stand as he stood and people watched in the middle of the sidewalk. Or in London, where people took midday breaks at the pub with a draft beer and wrote in their moleskins as the city moved around them.
My point is, everyone seemed to take their time a bit more. So, as we got lost, it was important to me to take breaks and take in the city, take in the life, take in the quiet and just be still. It was a lesson in being present that I really enjoyed.
Sit Back & Relax Your Mind
A glimpse of our beautiful Airbnb
Photo Cred: Terrence Porter
Don't let the go-go-go mentality of travel stop you from relaxing in the moment and showing gratitude for the fact that you are there. Make sure you don't allow guilt to dictate the moves you make or don't make. If you want to relax and recoup from your 16-hour travel day, take your time. Rest up. Enjoy yourself. You've earned it. My travel buddy was an up and at 'em kind of traveler that wanted to be up by 7 am to explore until 11 or noon, and then we'd convene and spend the day and evening together until I was ready to wrap up the night (especially because this ninja had the motto of walking everywhere in Paris).
I took my time though. I slept in. I did my morning routine. I read a book and highlighted passages. I updated my emails and checked on my site. And when I rose to reemerge into the city for hours on end, I lived.
Europe was absolutely magical. 10/10, I definitely recommend. Click through the gallery below to see some of the things I saw and experienced while over there.
Paris Photo Diary
Photo Cred: Terrence Porter
London Photo Diary
Photo Cred: Sheriden Chanel
London Eye
*Originally published on Postcards & 808s
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While speaking to xoNecole, Eva shares that she’s a lot like the beloved 1994 character in many ways. “Lyric is so me. She's the odd flower. A flower nonetheless, but definitely not a peony,” she tells us.
“She's not the average flower you see presented, and so she reminds me of myself. I'm a sunflower, beautiful, but different. And what I loved about her character then, and even more so now, is that she was very sure of herself.
"Sure of what she wanted in life and okay to sacrifice her moments right now, to get what she knew she deserved later. And that is me. I'm not an instant gratification kind of a person. I am a long game. I'm not a sprinter, I'm a marathon.
America first fell in love with Eva when she graced our screens on cycle 3 of America’s Next Top Model in 2004, which she emerged as the winner. Since then, she's ventured into different avenues, from acting on various TV series like House of Payne to starring on Real Housewives of Atlanta.
Je-Caryous Johnson Entertainment
Eva praises her castmates and the play’s producer, Je’Caryous for her positive experience. “You know what? Je’Caryous fuels my audacity car daily, ‘cause I consider myself an extremely audacious woman, and I believe in what I know, even if no one else knows it, because God gave it to me. So I know what I know. That is who Je’Caryous is.”
But the mom of three isn’t the only one in the family who enjoys acting. Eva reveals her daughter Marley has also caught the acting bug.
“It is the most adorable thing you can ever see. She’s got a part in her school play. She's in her chorus, and she loves it,” she says. “I don't know if she loves it, because it's like, mommy does it, so maybe I should do it, but there is something about her.”
Overall, Eva hopes that her contribution to the role and the play as a whole serves as motivation for others to reach for the stars.
“I want them to walk out with hope. I want them to re-vision their dreams. Whatever they were. Whatever they are. To re-see them and then have that thing inside of them say, ‘You know what? I'm going to do that. Whatever dream you put on the back burner, go pick it up.
"Whatever dream you've accomplished, make a new dream, but continue to reach for the stars. Continue to reach for what is beyond what people say we can do, especially as [a] Black collective but especially as Black women. When it comes to us and who we are and what we accept and what we're worth, it's not about having seen it before. It's about knowing that I deserve it.”
This interview has been edited for length and clarity.
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Feature image by Leon Bennett/WireImage
Thinking about them kinda-sorta inspired this piece because they caused me to reflect on the times when some of my clients have come to me, semi-freaking out, and it was because their thoughts about someone had gone beyond “Hey, she’s pretty” or “Hey, he looks good.” Instead, they were starting to fantasize about certain folks, and they weren’t sure what to do about it, especially when some of those fantasies were transpiring while they were engaging in sex with someone else.
You know, it’s been reported that somewhere around 50 percent of people do indeed have fantasies about other people while having sex with another person. And that is definitely a high enough number to tackle some things about the topic here.
If you’re someone who fantasizes about other individuals, especially sexually, here’s some intel into why that could be the case, along with when it gets to the point and place where you might want to consider actually doing something about it.
What’s a Fantasy and What Exactly Causes Them?
GiphyWhenever you think of the word “fantasy,” what immediately comes to your mind?
Personally, what I find to be interesting is the fact that the dictionary says that there are actually a lot of things that can be considered a fantasy: your imagination, hallucinations, visions, ingenious inventions, illusions — I mean, there is even a genre of fiction that falls into the fantasy category. However, when it comes to what we’re going to discuss today, a psychological term for fantasy is “an imagined or conjured up sequence fulfilling a psychological need; daydream.”
And yes, before we get to the end of all of this, that definition is going to answer quite a few questions as it pertains to the topic of this particular piece. But first, more about the origin story of fantasies.
Apparently famed neurologist, Sigmund Freud spent some time analyzing fantasies and came to the conclusion that, more than anything else, a fantasy represents something that is either a suppressed urge or desire and when you stop to think about what you imagine, what your visions are, what you may long to invent — that certainly tracks. However, something that you should also keep in mind about fantasies is that, oftentimes, they are rooted in few boundaries and can even go well beyond what is considered to be reality (which is something that is based on facts and truth).
Oh, something else that needs to be kept in mind about fantasies is that they are typically relied on as a mental form of escape from something or someone (bookmark that).
And now that fantasies are more clearly defined, if your immediate question is, “Is it wrong to fantasize?” — no, I certainly don’t think that. What I do believe, based on what a fantasy is, though, is if you are fantasizing a lot about a particular person, place, thing or idea, it would be a good idea to ponder why that is the case — why is that a suppressed desire for you, why are you using that as a mental escape and perhaps, the most important question of all, does your fantasy come with any limits?
Now let’s build on top of this…
Now What Causes Folks to Fantasize About Other People?
GiphyAs I was doing more research on the topic of fantasies, I came across an article entitled, “What Happens In Our Brains When We Fantasize About Someone.” The author of it started the piece out by talking about a cool connection that she made with someone on a plane, only for her to find herself fantasizing about him once they parted ways. As she went deeper into her story, she mentioned a word that definitely needs to be shared here: heuristics.
If you’re not familiar with it, heuristics is simply a mental shortcut. For instance, if you find yourself needing to make a quick decision (check out “Before You Make A Life-Altering Decision, Read This.”), you may rely on heuristics to do it (even if it’s subconsciously). The challenge with that is oftentimes heuristics will only provide you with a limited amount of data and information, and relying only on that could cause you to not make the best choice, if you’re not careful. And boy, when heuristics jump into your fantasy space — well, something that immediately comes to my mind is celebrity culture.
Ain’t it wild how people will be on social media, speaking so confidently, about someone—or someone’s relationship—as if they personally know them (when they absolutely don’t)? I mean, just because someone is attractive or you’ve seen them carry themselves well in an interview or two, that doesn’t automatically mean that they are the ideal person or that they are someone to set your own dating standards by. If you’re not careful, though, heuristics and fantasies may encourage you to think otherwise.
That’s because the combo will try and get your brain to jump to all sorts of conclusions and, if you don’t keep that in check, it could result in you making premature, counterproductive, or even straight-up reckless decisions — because remember, a fantasy tends to be about suppressing an urge or desire.
Honestly, whether you are in a relationship or not, if you are fantasizing about a particular individual, understanding why you are doing that should definitely be explored.
However, if you are with someone and you’re fantasizing about someone else, you really shouldn’t ignore what is transpiring because, although by definition, there’s a good chance that whatever and whomever you are fantasizing about will never come to pass, the fact that it’s taking up some of your mental and emotional space, that needs to be acknowledged. Because if there is something that you want or need, and you seem to believe that your fantasies are better at supplying that for you than the reality of your relationship, why is that?
Let’s keep going…
What Does (or Could) It Mean If You Fantasize About Someone Else During Sex?
GiphyIt’s pretty common that a random song will come to mind whenever I’m writing an article. Today? It was Guy’s “My Fantasy.” Then a sitcom did — King of Queens, and the episode when Doug and Carrie were talking about his sexual fantasies. The song is about images that the fellas randomly have about beautiful women. The episode was about Carrie wanting to dictate to Doug what and whom he could fantasize about because some of his sexual fantasies made her feel uncomfortable or intimidated.
And both of these are a pretty solid intro into whether there is something wrong with sexually fantasizing about someone, especially while having sex with someone else. Well, before getting into all of that, I think another article that I read on the topic brings up a pretty good point — that it’s important to think about where your fantasies are coming from: your imagination, things you see on social media, porn that you may have watched, people who you actually know…and if it’s the latter, is it someone from your past or someone from your present?
Yeah, knowing the source of your fantasies can definitely help you to understand how “deep” into your fantasies you might be.
What I mean by that is, seeing a beautiful man one time and randomly thinking about what it would be like to have sex with him on some beach vacation is quite different than constantly thinking about your ex, the sex you used to have with him and then fantasizing about it For one thing, the beautiful guy, you will probably never have access to. That ex, though? Well, at the very least, that is a bit more realistic, right?
Then there’s the fact that, again, a fantasy is a suppressed urge or desire. When it comes to the beautiful man, is it his looks that you long for, or is it something deeper? And that ex of yours? Lawd, now why, when you have your own man in your own bed, is your ex “scratching some sort of itch”? Because we all know what they say — “he’s your ex for a reason,” so why is he creeping up into your intimacy space now that the relationship is over? Is something unresolved?
Are there sexual needs that he met that your current partner isn’t (check out “You Love Him. You Prefer Sex With Your Ex. What Should You Do?”)? Is something currently transpiring in your current relationship that you are using fantasies about your ex to escape from?
You see, although when it comes to the topic of fantasizing about others when you’re having sex with someone else might seem like the a cut-and-dried, “Don’t do it, end of discussion” — as someone who works with couples for a living, I think the bigger concern isn’t if another guy comes into your mind during sex with your partner…it’s more about WHY is that happening to begin with. Because if you need to escape from where you are, if you can’t be present with your partner, something is definitely up.
When Should You Be Concerned About the Fantasies You Are Having?
GiphyDuring the last several months of breaking up (because we all know that sometimes breaking up is a process) with the last boyfriend whom I will have in this lifetime, I recall fantasizing about other people while having sex with him. It’s because I really wasn’t attracted to or interested in him, sexually, anymore — but I was a bit fearful of what it would mean to let the entire relationship go.
And boy, is that a huge red flag because I wasn’t fantasizing about some random famous person one time during sex — I was relying on images, my imagination, and previous experiences with other people to literally get me through the act. NOT. GOOD.
Y’all, one of the greatest and most profound forms of communication and connection between two people is sexual intimacy, and so, when it transpires, it really should only be about the two of them. That said, should you freak out over a thought about someone who creeps up into your mind every once in a while? Chile, more people have that happen than they will ever admit out loud.
On the other hand, should you worry if you’re like I was? I’ll put it this way — you should definitely be concerned because the last thing that you should be feeling during sex with someone is like you are suppressing what you need and/or that you want to escape from the moments that you are experiencing with them.
And yet, if that is indeed the case, though, what should you do?
Start with doing some sex journaling. Write down your fantasies, the sources of them, and why you are leaning on them in this season (check out “The Art Of Sex Journaling (And Why You Should Do It)”). If they are tied to unrealistic situations, be real with yourself about that. If they are rooted in potential possibilities, do some journaling about how much you are “feeding into” that reality and what you think would be the wisest way to move forward, both for your sake as well as your relationship.
Talk to your partner. Each relationship is different, and so, while I’m not going to recommend that everyone just blurt out that they’ve been thinking about having sex with their co-worker or college sweetheart while having sex with their partner, I do think that the suppressed urges and desires (in general) should be mentioned. Sometimes, fantasies are birthed out of boredom (check out “If You're Not Having Great Sex, This Is (Probably) Why” and “Common Sex Problems Couples Have (& How To Fix 'Em)”) and doing something like creating a sex bucket list (check out “This Is How To Create The Best Kind Of ‘Sex Bucket List’”) can breathe new life into your bedroom.
Plus, sharing some of your deepest thoughts, feelings, and needs (in a kind, thoughtful, and mature way) can cultivate more emotional intimacy with your partner, and that can definitely be a good thing.
Consider seeing a sex therapist. If, after doing both of these things, the fantasies seem to be getting stronger and louder, you might need to make an appointment with a reputable sex therapist (check out “Have You Ever Wondered If You Should See A Sex Therapist?”). They may be able to help you to “connect some dots” about what’s going on that you wouldn’t have considered without their help, because sex therapists are trained in helping individuals sort out the mental and emotional sides of intimacy, not just the physical ones.
____
Are fantasies bad? They aren’t. However, when it comes to sexual ones, a quote by Benjamin Franklin absolutely comes to mind: “If passion drives you, let reason hold the reins.”
And that, right there, should be a guiding message for how you should process the fantasies that you do have.
Amen? Sho’ you right.
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Featured image by Giphy