It's kind of rare that a day doesn't go by when there's not a headline that features Oprah, Gayle King or them both. But when I caught the one that I saw today on People's site, I immediately hit up my editor to see if I could expound on it a bit. The title? "Oprah Winfrey Says BFF Gayle King Has 'Always Felt Not a Shadow but the Light' from Her Success". I adore that because that is just what a friendship should be.
Since I wanted to hear more, first, I watched the feature interview with Gayle about how she and Oprah have been friends since 1976; how she was a production assistant at the time, Oprah was anchor and staying at Oprah's house during a bad storm one night solidified their friendship forever. How? Well, they basically had a "C.S. Lewis moment" based on when he once said, "Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another: 'What! You too? I thought I was the only one.'" For them, their ethnicity, being close in age and sharing similar philosophies (oh and agreeing on who they liked and who they thought were assholes; that's a direct Gayle quote, by the way) are the very things that still keep them so close even now.
45th NAACP Image Awards Presented By TV One - Red CarpetGetty Images
Something else that stood out to me is the story Gayle shared about the nicest thing that Oprah has ever done for her. She said that on her first New Year's Eve following her divorce, Oprah and Stedman drove four hours to surprise her. Stedman made spaghetti and they stayed with Gayle so that she wouldn't have to be alone. (So, Sex & the City fans, when Carrie did that for Miranda in the first movie, that wasn't original or merely fictional; Oprah and Gayle did it first). And now, some forty-plus years later, here Oprah and Gaye still stand. Strong and secure Black women. Powerhouses in their own right (let's not forget that Gayle negotiated a pretty impressive deal with CBS earlier this year). And, what I really admire, complete and total fans of one another.
So much, in fact, that for the first time ever, Gayle is gracing the cover of O, The Oprah Magazine in September, alongside her bestie.
As I went to Oprah's actual website to check out the cover story, this part, in particular, stood out to me:
For years, people have marveled at our friendship—and sometimes misunderstood it. But anyone who has a soulful bond with a friend, a friend who would do anything for you, who revels in your happiness and is there to comfort you in your sadness, gets it exactly.
In our friendship, they see their own connections. It's why people often introduce their best friends to me as "She's my Gayle."
Amen. Your friends, your true friends, won't only do anything for you, they will revel in your happiness. That includes your success. (Bookmark that for a moment. I'll be coming back to it.)
As I continued to read on, it's pretty obvious that Oprah not only adores her BFF, but she highly respects her too. It's evident in her words that if anyone saw Gayle's current success coming a mile away, and is totally thrilled because of it, it is her. Plus, I appreciate that Oprah addressed something that I'm sure just about all of us have wondered at one time or another—did Gayle ever feel resentment, envy or that it was some sort of backhanded compliment to be referred to as "Oprah's best friend" all these years. According to Oprah, absolutely not.
Now that Gayle's a shining star on 'CBS This Morning', people often ask her how she felt being in the shadow of my success. The truth is, she always felt not a shadow, but the light. We couldn't have remained friends if she'd perceived it as a shadow. I would have sensed that, and I wouldn't have been able to be as open.
A true friend can't be jealous of you, or want to take advantage of you in any way.
Rinse and repeat— A true friend can't be jealous of you, or want to take advantage of you in any way.
As I finished up, what I consider to be, Oprah's letter of deep love and profound adoration for her friend, I thought about some of my own relationships. Although I didn't plan for it to play out the way that it has, I also have friends who are in the spotlight. Sometimes people ask me how I am able to make it all work. If I were to offer up a bullet point list, here would be my top five:
Know That You Each Have Your Own Purpose in Life
I'll be honest. Something that particularly impresses me about Oprah and Gayle's friendship is the fact that they are basically in the same line of work and there are no moments of competitiveness or jealousy; especially since the media world is naturally competitive on its own. For them to be able to navigate through all of that, it speaks to their own heightened level of self-awareness that they each have a purpose in this life. Oprah can't do what Gayle can in the way that she can do it, and vice versa.
And you know what? That point right there applies to all of us. One of my favorite quotes of all time is "If two people were exactly alike, one of them would be unnecessary." (A man named Larry Dixon said that.) By the mere fact that you are even on this site, I can only assume that you are a pretty ambitious individual. That probably means that some of your inner circle is pretty accomplished as well. No matter how popular, successful or rich one of you may be more than the other, that has nothing to do with the value of each purpose. God placed you both here to do something specific. Knowing this—and reminding one another of this too—can help to keep the green-eyed monster away. For good.
Be Intentional About Celebrating One Another
The Greek playwright Aeschylus once said, "Few men have the natural strength to honor a friend's success without envy." I can see how that would be the case. In my world, a lot of my friends who are in the spotlight are musicians. I'm a writer. So, for the most part, there is no "clashing" to be had. But I will say that when one of them calls me up to say they won an award or they've landed a television special, I celebrate it. And you know what? When I got my book deals or even when I landed this gig with xoNecole, they celebrated that with just as much enthusiasm.
True friends are able to get excited about one another's accomplishments because true friends want to see one another thrive. Because really, when you truly love someone, why wouldn't you want them to win?
Unless you're not "in it" for the friendship, just the opportunities or the "perks" that come with being associated with you. That's not only mad shady but brings me to another point.
Test Your Motives (and Theirs)
There's a Scripture in the Bible that serves as a pretty good character warning—"We justify our actions by appearances; God examines our motives." (Proverbs 21:2—Message) What I like about it is it's a reminder that no matter how good you may be (or think that you are) at hiding your true intentions about something, God always knows. And eventually, those intentions tend to come out. Although there have been times when I've used my media contacts to help out a friend, more times than not, they did not ask; I offered (because again, friends like to see their friends win). But the reason why I am confident that none of my inner circle has ulterior motives is because, unless we're trying to figure out a time to hang out or one of us needs some advice about something, our professional lives don't really come up all that much.
Just last night, I was hanging out with a friend who has an ever-growing platform. Do you know what we talked about more than anything? Past memories and our current relationships (which for me is nada). He wasn't looking to see how I could finesse him nor was I. He's my homie. His accomplishments are a part of him, not all of him. True friends embrace one another's totality. Do you? Do yours?
“Get Off of the Clock” Sometimes
I don't do social media, but I will set a Google alert for some of my friends. Why? Because if search engines didn't tell me about some of the things they've got going on, I wouldn't know any other way. Why? Because most of our relationship consists of day-to-day stuff. We look forward to being able to discuss the things that are probably only truly significant to us.
You can't convince me that Oprah and Gayle don't share moments when they don't do anything but binge-watch television, crack jokes or hang out just for the sake of it. I doubt any friendship could last if all both people did was "talk shop" all of the time; shoot, that's what co-workers are for. Without a doubt, a great way to nurture your friendship is to be off of the clock more than you're on it with each other.
Friendships are supposed to be a source of relaxation and fun. It can only do that when both people are safe places to chill out.
Be Honest About Your Feelings
A husband that I truly respect once said something about his wife that I will never forget—"My job is to present my wife in her best light at all times. She has flaws, but you won't ever hear about them from me." That said, there's no way that Oprah and Gayle—or any other set of friends—can be authentic and not have "moments"; it's just not our business to know about them.
At the same time, that's not to say that I don't have respect for "Kelly Rowland moments" either. Some of y'all might remember back in 2013 when the song "Dirty Laundry" came out and she admitted that she had times when she felt jealous of Beyonce's success. It's a reminder that another necessary component for a friendship's success and longevity is honesty.
And so, if you're feeling some type of way about a friend's accomplishments, don't tell someone else or be passive aggressive about it on social media—tell them directly. A true friend will love you through those feelings and support you in getting past them so that, you can stop feeling like you are in their shadow; so that, like Gayle with Oprah, you can beam in the light alongside them.
If you live on this earth long enough, you'll come to embrace that one of the best gifts it has to offer is a true friend. Oprah and Gayle just reminded us of that. So today, take out a moment to be intentional about shining some light on your besties—to be their fan as well as their friend. If they've been a true one, they deserve it. Right?
Want more stories like this? Sign up for our newsletter here and check out the related reads below:
Good Friends Are Hard To Find! Here's How To Show Yours You Appreciate Them
10 Things You Should Absolutely Expect From Your Friendships
Featured image by Getty Images
- Oprah Opens Up About the Start of Her Gayle King Friendship ›
- Gayle King and Oprah Uncensored - The O Magazine Interview ›
- A Timeline of Oprah and Gayle King's Enduring Friendship ›
- Oprah Winfrey, Gayle King finally reunite after negative COVID-19 test ›
- Oprah Reflects on "Timeless" 40-Year Friendship With Gayle King ›
RELATED
Anyway, I personally think that the less shallow folks out here may contemplate calling things “quits” or they at least distance themselves a bit from their partner (and what I’m referring to is serious relationships) due to all of the stress and strain that oftentimes comes with the holidays whether it be financial, familial, due to their tight schedules or something else.
Listen, I would hate for you and your man to miss the fun and happiness of experiencing this time of year, all because you are so overwhelmed or irritated that you can’t really enjoy it. That’s why I have a few practical tips for how to avoid allowing the typical holiday season stress from INFECTING your relationship.
Manage Your Expectations
GiphyUnmanaged expectations. If there is a main reason why the holiday season tends to be so stress-filled for so many people, I’d bet good money that this is the cause. And when you’re in a long-term relationship, expectations can manifest themselves in all sorts of cryptic and/or unexpected ways. You might have relatives who assume that you are going to be with them for Thanksgiving or Christmas when you have other plans in mind. You might be thinking that you are going to spend one amount for presents while your man is thinking something totally different. When it comes to scheduling, your signals may be crossed.
And you know what? To all of these scenarios, this is where clear and consistent communication come in. Don’t assume anything. Don’t dictate anything either. From now until New Year’s, mutually decide to check in once a week, just to make sure that you are both on the same page as it relates to the holidays and what you both are thinking will come along with it. The less blindsided you both feel, the less stressed out you will be. Trust me on this.
Set (and Keep) a Budget
GiphyOkay, so I read that last year, 36 percent of Americans incurred some type of holiday-related debt. Hmph. Last year, there was still some sense of normalcy in this country, chile, so I can only imagine what finances are gonna look like over the next several weeks. That said, since I don’t know a lot of people who don’t find being broke stressful, make sure that you and your bae set a budget and then stick to it this year — no ifs, ands or buts.
Because really, y’all — it doesn’t make sense to deplete savings and/or max out credit cards for a few days of giggles only to be damn near losing your mind because you don’t know how to make ends meet come Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Day.
And by the way, this tip doesn’t just speak to things like food and gifts; I also mean travel. If it doesn’t make a ton of sense (or cents) to be all over the place this year — DON’T BE.
Keep Matthew 5:37 at the Forefront
GiphyIf off the top of your head, you don’t know what Matthew 5:37 says, no worries, here ya go: “But let your ‘Yes’ be ‘Yes,’ and your ‘No,’ ‘No.’ For whatever is more than these is from the evil one.” That verse right there? Oh, it’s a boundaries lifesaver! I say that because do you see “maybe” or “I’ll think about it” in there? Nope. LOL. It says that you should tell people “yes” or “no” and leave it at that — and that complements Anne Lamott’s quote, “’No’ is a complete sentence” impeccably well. Yeah, you’ve got to remember that anything beyond a yes or no to a request is privileged information; you don’t owe anyone details or an explanation.
Besides, if you are really honest with yourself, when someone asks you something and you give a “Umm, let me think about it” kind of reply, more times than not, you already know what your answer is going to be — so why not let you both off of the hook? Give your response. Commit to that. And let everyone (including yourself) get on with their lives and schedules.
I promise you that when it comes to those holiday parties, you are pissing more folks off by not RSVP’ing or doing so and not showing up than just saying, “Thank you but not this year” off the rip.
Remember That Your Personal Space Is Privilege Not a Right
GiphyA friend of mine recently bought a new house and invited me over to come see it. He’s a single man with no children, so as I was taking in all of the space that he had, especially as I walked through his finished basement, I joked about relatives coming to live with him. “Hell no” and “absolutely not” were pretty much his immediate responses as he went on to say that some folks even had the nerve to be offended when he told them that he had no intentions on taking DNA in.
Ain’t it wild how people think that your stuff is their right? And yes, that brings me to my next point. Your home is your sanctuary space. If you want to host folks this year — cool. If not, ALSO COOL. Please don’t let folks (family included) guilt you into how they want you to act or even into what they would do if the shoe was on the other foot. You are not them — and as one of my favorite quotes states, “If two people were exactly alike, one of them would be unnecessary.” (A man by the name Larry Dixon said that.)
Hell, my friends? They know that I am good for sending them random things that they need or even want all throughout the year. Coming over to hang out at my pace, though. Uh-uh. Chalk it up to being a card-carrying member of the ambivert club yet I like keeping my living space personal — and I sleep like a baby, each and every night, for feeling that way.
Always remember that your space, your time, your resources, your energy and shoot, yourself period (including your relationship), are all things that are your own. You get to choose how, when and why you want to share them. The holiday season is certainly no exception.
Cultivate Some “You Two Only” Traditions
GiphyIt’s not uncommon for some couples to hit me up after the holiday season to “detox.” Sometimes it’s due to the financial drama (and sometimes trauma) that they experienced. Sometimes it’s because they allowed their relatives (especially in-laws) to get more into their personal business than they should’ve. More than anything, though, it tends to be because they didn’t get enough quality time together and so ended up feeling “disconnected.”
Please don’t let that happen. Listen, I’m not even a holidays kind of woman and yet, I will absolutely sit myself down with some hot chocolate and chocolate chip cookies to enjoy a Hallmark holiday film or two. Aside from the fact that most of them are lighthearted and sweet, I also like that they usually focus on couples loving on each other amidst all of the holiday beauty and ambiance — which is something that all couples should set aside some time to do.
Maybe it’s a vacation. Maybe it’s a staycation. Or maybe it’s my personal favorite, A SEXCATION. Whether it’s for a few days, the weekend or even overnight — don’t you let the holidays go by without setting aside time for you and your man to celebrate one another. Don’t you dare (check out “Are You Ready To Have Some Very Merry 'Christmas Sex'?”).
GET. SOME. REST.
GiphyI once read that 8 out of 10 people get stressed out over the holidays and 3 out of 10 lose sleep during to it — and when you’re stress-filled and sleep-deprived, that can absolutely lead to hypersensitivity, making mountains out of molehills and even not being in the mood for sex.
Your relationship can’t afford to go through any of this, so definitely make sure to prioritize rest. I don’t care how unrealistic it might seem during this time, sleep should never be seen as a luxury; it will always and forever be a great necessity.
That said, try to get no less than six hours of shut-eye in (check out “6 Fascinating Ways Sex And Sleep Definitely Go Hand In Hand”) and even ask your bae to take a nap with you sometimes (check out “Wanna Have Some Next-Level Sex? Take A Nap, Sis.”). Not only will sleep help to restore your mind, body and spirit but, when it’s with your partner, it’s an act of intimacy that can make you both feel super connected, even in the midst of what might feel like chaos.
___
Holiday season stress is real. Still, never give it the permission or power to throw your relationship off. Put you and your man first and let the holidays be what they are gonna be, chile.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Featured image by Shutterstock
If, while on your continual journey to get the best out of your own tresses, you’d like to learn how to get them healthier than it’s ever been, I’ve got seven acids that are typically known for skin use that can be just as beneficial to your hair as well.
1. Salicylic Acid
When it comes to your skin, salicylic acid is beta-hydroxy acid that is great for your skin if you’re looking for something that will exfoliate it, clear out your pores and dissolve dead skin cells. In fact, this is why it’s an acid that is quite popular when it comes to treating acne.
Your hair will enjoy salicylic acid because, if you’re looking to remove product build-up, you want to soothe an itchy or irritated scalp or you’ve got some dandruff flakes that are totally driving you up the wall, salicylic acid has the ability to treat all of this. Either purchasing a shampoo that contains this ingredient or adding it to your favorite scalp scrub is probably the most effective way to get the most out of it.
Just make sure that if your scalp is sensitive or dry that you approach with caution. In these instances, it could end up irritating your scalp more than helping it out, so use a very little bit in the beginning to make sure that it vibes with you.
2. Lactic Acid
Lactic acid is an alpha hydroxy acid that can help to even out your skin tone as well as slow down the signs of aging. The properties in it help to do this by reducing hyperpigmentation and boosting collagen production in your skin as well as keeping it hydrated.
Why is it great for your locks? For one thing, lactic acid is considered to be a humectant. This means that it pulls water from the air so that your hair is able to remain moisturized.
Another thing that makes it a winner is the fact that lactic acid breaks down dead skin cells on your scalp (so that your hair follicles are able to flourish), it can help to soften and detangle your hair (making it a helpful addition on your wash days) and it also helps to protect your tresses from heat styling tools and UV damage. Applying a hair rinse that’s made up of part lactic acid and part water can work wonderfully (so long as you apply it once a month, tops; more than that might be too “intense” for your hair strands).
3. Glycolic Acid
Glycolic acid is a water-soluble alpha hydroxy acid that is actually made from sugar. Your skin will adore it because it smooths the appearance of fine lines and wrinkles, improves the texture of your skin, gently exfoliates, clears your pores and brightens up your complexion overall.
The reasons why you should consider this acid for your hair is because it helps to keep your scalp youthful (and yes, there is such a thing; check out “Your Scalp Ages Six Times Faster Than Your Face. Why It Matters.”), removes excess sebum (that could be clogging up your hair follicles) and it helps to keep your hair moisturized. Your best bet here is to make it a part of your pre-shampooing ritual.
4. Succinic Acid
Succinic acid is an acid that is made from sugar cane and contains antimicrobial and anti-inflammatory properties. Although it doesn’t exactly exfoliate (like many of these other acids do), it can still be beneficial to your skin when it comes to reducing the kind of irritation that is associated with eczema, decreasing the bacteria that leads to breakouts and keeping your skin pretty hydrated.
As far as your hair goes, this is an acid that is worth trying out because it helps to balance the sebum that is on your scalp, remove dead skin and product build-up that can irritate your scalp and clog your hair follicles and, succinic acid is also beneficial when it comes to reducing dandruff and helping to prevent hair loss. Most people tend to apply this as a serum.
5. Hyaluronic Acid
I’ve officially sung the praises of hyaluronic acid on this platform before. One example is via the article, “Why Your Skin, Hair, And Nails Need Hyaluronic Acid Like...Yesterday.” On the skin tip, hyaluronic acid is great because it deeply hydrates your skin, contains anti-aging properties and can even bring relief to vaginal (including vulvar) dryness.
Your hair will adore this particular acid because it aids moisture to it (including your hair follicles), will help to improve your hair’s texture and it also soothes scalp dryness, nurtures the cuticles of your tresses and decreases frizz. Using a serum rich in this acid as a pre-poo or as a leave-in conditioner is recommended.
6. Azelaic Acid
If you’ve never heard of azelaic acid before, this is your lucky day. It’s a dicarboxylic acid that, when it comes to skincare (and hair care) products, is usually synthetic. Anyway, if you are looking for a way to reduce inflammation, even skin tone after a breakout or if you want to use an exfoliant that will improve the texture of your skin overtime, you might want to give this acid a shot.
This one makes the list as far as your hair is concerned because, if achieving more inches is your current focus, azelaic acid might come in handy. That’s because it is able to strengthen your hair, thicken your strands and also stimulate hair growth from within your hair follicles.
7. Glutamic Acid
Glutamic acid is actually a type of amino acid. Skin-wise, it’s great for deeply hydrating your skin as well as protecting it from pollutants and damaging UV rays. Also, if you’re looking for an acid that treats skin dryness or “tightness,” this could be the answer to your prayers.
Since glutamic acid is also considered to be a humectant, it’s another acid that can moisturize your hair. As a result, it can decrease breakage while helping your hair to feel smooth and look shiny.
BONUS: Amino Acids
Speaking of amino acids and hair, please try to keep some amino acids in your diet at all times. The reason why is because, since your hair is made up of mostly protein (keratin, to be exact), amino acids are pretty darn effective when it comes to helping you to maintain the overall health and well-being of your hair.
Ones to prioritize include proline (it boosts collagen so that your hair strands can maintain flexibility); arginine (it increases blood flow to your hair follicles so that they can receive the nutrients that they need); cysteine (it helps to keep your hair follicles healthy); alanine (it helps your system to produce more collagen), and isoleucine (it strengthens the tissues that help to make up your hair strands). All of these are available in supplement form or you can use Google to see which foods contain them.
___
Although it might initially seem odd to apply acid to your hair, as you can see, certain ones will work miracles for it. So, test them out to see which one tickles your fancy.
Hell, since they work for your skin as well — it’s a two-for-one deal that is worth every penny!
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Featured image by Shutterstock