Fantasia Barrino, boy. I remember watching her win American Idol. I remember seeingLife Is Not a Fairy Tale: The Fantasia Barrino Story on Lifetime. I remember all of the news coverage she got for a very toxic relationship she was in back in the day, the accidental overdose that happened around the same time, and the first interview she did with Robin Roberts on Good Morning America after it. I also remember when major news outlets told us that she had gotten married to her husband of five years now (she actually eloped a year before they had a ceremony on a yacht), Kendall Taylor.
Wow. In many ways, it seems like Fantasia has lived at least five lifetimes even though she officially stepped onto the scene back in 2004. As I was watching her on her first time on The Breakfast Club interview yesterday, I must admit that a big smile came over my face when she said, "Excuse my language but I am f—kin' proud of myself for bouncing back." Fantasia, for doing more than just survive, but to come out thriving, I am too. You look beautiful, peaceful and full of clarity, self-awareness and joy. That's dope. It really is.
So even though I check for Fantasia, I must admit that her latest interview might've missed me if it wasn't for all of the, I'm gonna go with "mixed bag responses", that came from a particular portion of it; the part when she spoke about the importance of submission in marriage. I must say that if there is one word that seems to trigger a lot of women, it's that one. But before I attempt to unpack why that may be the case, let me share some of what she said, verbatim. Ready?
Fantasia’s Views on the “Roles” in Marriage
First, let me say that Fantasia's interview is a great example of why we need to make sure that we hear things in context. The reason why submission even came up is because she asked DJ Envy if he prays with his wife and he said that yes, he wakes her up every morning so that they can pray together (bookmark that; I'll be circling back to in in a bit). When Fantasia heard that, this was her response:
"I salute that. Because we need more of that, you know, what I mean? We need more men to stand up and lead the way. Most women are trying to be the leader; that's why you can't find a man. You can't be the leader in the house. Fall back and be the queen and let your man lead the way."
When DJ Envy basically replied that it's a challenge for some women because they don't see relationships like that; that they want to be in the lead role, Fantasia expounded.
"That's not how it's supposed to be. That's why we bump heads. I feel like it's a generational thing…it's a generation curse in how society [has] placed our men. And women have to stand up and be the mother and the father and the provider. So then, now you are so bad that you can't be told nothin'; that when the right man [comes], you lose him because [you're] tryin' to be the man."
When Angela Yee then asked if two people can be equal in a relationship (true submission isn't about a lack of equality, by the way. We'll come back to that in a bit too), Fantasia said "yes". Then this:
"At the end of the day, I'm the neck and my man's the head, so he can't make any moves without his wife. It all works together. But you can't be the head of the house. You got to let the man be the head of the house. But it's a generational thing. It's what we've been taught—stand up, be strong and a dude comes and everything about you is like a man."
When Angela Yee then said that it sometimes happens because women have no choice, Fantasia was ready for that too.
"You have to learn how to submit. You can still be a queen. A queen plays her part. The king needs his queen. It's certain things that he can't see that we see. The queen has to sit back and allow the king to be the king."
When Angela Yee then replied with "The Queen is the most valuable piece on the board," (a chess reference), Fantasia agreed with that as well. As she went on to explain that her man is a former-felon-turned-business owner who she knew for three weeks before making things official (they didn't have sex until after they got married; that should go on record too) and how, because she had always had to take care of everything, she was a "pop-off at the mouth" (which usually means it's hard to trust your partner; bookmark that as well), Fantasia said one more thing that stood out to me:
"It took a man like him to sit me down, look me in my eyes and talk to me like I was supposed to be talked to, and say, 'I'm here now. You don't have to do all of that. Pass it over to me and let me take care of that.'"
(For the cynics, "take care of all of that" does not mean Fantasia's finances; there's a prenup and he's the one who recommended that they get one.)
As I closed out the interview, I appreciated everything that she said. But when I read some folks' social media comments, a lot of people were, how do I put it? Pissed. It was like they felt Fantasia set us all the way back before The Little House on the Prairie Days. And while I know that I can't change anyone's mind, because again, submission seems to be something that so many women—single and married alike—give push back to, I wanted to offer up five points to at least help keep submission from being looked at as an unofficial cuss word for so many.
5 Things to Consider When It Comes to Submission in Marriage:
1. Submission Is a Spiritual Principle
Ask a Christian. Ask a Jew. Ask a Muslim. Submission in a marriage is a principle that's applied in all of these faiths. As far as Christianity goes, it comes directly from Scripture: "And further, submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. For wives, this means submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For a husband is the head of his wife as Christ is the head of the church. He is the Savior of his body, the church. As the church submits to Christ, so you wives should submit to your husbands in everything. For husbands, this means love your wives, just as Christ loved the church. He gave up his life for her to make her holy and clean, washed by the cleansing of God's word." (Ephesians 5:21-25—NLT)
Much like folks will say, "He who is without sin, cast the first stone" will leave out that Christ also said, "Go and sin no more" (John 8:1-12), folks will hear about how a wife should submit to her husband (a wife, not a girlfriend to her boyfriend; some of y'all will catch that later), they overlook that, as the leader of the home, the husband has a big job to do.
To love a wife in the way that Christ loves us all? Yeah, that's a lot. To give up their life for their wife? That too is a lot. If you read all of Ephesians 5, you'll see that a husband is also to nourish and cherish his wife; to love her as himself. Wives are not told to do all of this; husbands are. When a wife is submitting to her husband, it's not just to his leadership—it's the standard of love that is set for her husband. By the Word of God itself.
If you're not a Bible-adherer, I can totally get why submission may seem ridiculous. But if you profess to be, it's hard to stake that claim without taking verses like the one I just shared (along with Colossians 3:18-19) into account.
2. Submission Isn’t a Lack of Power; It’s Directed Power
Fantasia's right. Because a lot of us didn't see our father be a good provider and protector and/or because a lot of our mothers had to do everything and/or because we've never seen a healthy marriage up close and personal for ourselves, some of us are inclined to think that submission is synonymous with abuse—or, at the very least, being taken for granted. That's not submission's fault. That needs to be put on the person who didn't honor and respect just how precious and sacred submission truly is.
I say that because think about how awesome you are as a woman. Think about all of the gifts, talents, insight, support and supernatural love you bring to the table. To choose to impart that into a man's life? That alone is an extremely powerful thing! It's basically saying what Beyoncé did in her song "Upgrade U":
You need a real woman in your life (that's a good look)
Taking care of home and still fly (that's a good look)
And I'mma help you build up your account (that's a good look)
Better yet a hood look, ladies, that's a good look
When you're in them big meetings for the mills (that's a good look)
You take me just to complement the deal (that's a good look)
And anything you cop I'll split the bill (that's a good look)
Better yet a hood look
(Believe me) ladies, that's a good look
You don't stop being you simply because you're being submissive. Submission is not a lack of power; it's a way of focusing it, centering it—streamlining it. You are choosing to yield the authority that you do have into the partnership called your marriage so that, as your husband provides and protects you, your power can make him a better person, just as his leadership nourishes, cherishes and further develops you in the process.
Any of y'all remember the Wonder Twins from back in the day? Remember how when their fists touched, they said, "Wonder Twin powers activate"? That's how I see leadership and submission in action. Two people using their strengths to lean into one another to make big stuff happen; the kind of stuff that quite possibly wouldn't happen any other way.
3. For Leadership to Work, Someone Needs to Submit
I'll be honest. I think a lot of women want to "buffet" submission. What I mean by that is they want to pick and choose when submission should apply or not. I can't tell you how many times I've heard the very same ladies who think submission is antiquated and unnecessary turn right around and say that asking a man out on a date or to marry them is utterly ridiculous because "that's the man's job". So, he can—and should—lead when you're dating, but not after saying "I do"? What's that all about?
A writer by the name of J.D. Greeer once said, "Spiritual headship is not license for men to do what they want to do. It is empowerment to do what they ought to do. But, wives, that means you don't only follow him when you agree with him or feel like he is making the right decision. That's not submission; that's agreement."
Here's the thing. Is marriage a partnership? Of course. Are men and women equal in value in the relationship? Also, yes. But being equal doesn't make two people identical. There are certain things that men bring to the table and certain things that we as women do. A lot of women desire a protector and provider. Well, guess what? That's what a leader does. Once you get married, what's the struggle for? Let him.
4. A Man Who Understands Submission Submits to Someone Too
Sometimes, I hear women say, "I submit to my husband as he submits to me." Yeah…that's not really how submission works. The point of submission is that someone has to lead in order for it to truly be effective. What I dig about what Fantasia said is, once she found a man who she felt was worthy of her gift of submission, there were things that she used to have to worry about that she no longer does. Yeah, some women are so busy thinking about—if not flat-out obsessing over—what submission requires that they don't see the benefits that come right along with it as well. If a man is a good leader, life is easier, not harder.
Besides, remember how I said that submission is a spiritual principle? Bishop TD Jakes once said something about submission that both men and women alike need to always keep in mind—"No woman wants to be in submission to a man who isn't in submission to God." Indeed. A man can only lead well if he is being led well. And the humility, spiritual maturity and surrender that it takes for a man to listen to a Higher Source is what makes him someone that his wife should have no problem submitting to.
I think that's why Fantasia got so excited when DJ Envy not only said that he prays for his wife, but he wakes her up, every morning, to do it. He's taking initiative to not only lead his home, but to show his wife that he submits to someone in the process as well.
5. Submission Is Nothing to Be Scared Of
At the end of the day, submission is all about trust. Do you trust someone enough to allow them to lead? If you're single and you're not sure, don't get married yet. If you're married and you don't, marriage counseling is something that I recommend.
One more thing. Just because a wife submits, that doesn't mean she doesn't have a voice or relevance in her marriage. Something else a good leader does is delegate. If the wife is better with the finances, she handles them. If she makes more money, he's not insecure in the least. When she brings perspectives to the table, he listens. A true husband-leader knows that he's only as good as his partner-wife. He is totally aware of how much he needs and relies on her. So he does.
So, when Fantasia said that a lot of us don't have a man because we don't want to submit, that didn't bother me in the least. I find true submission to be a dope concept. But I think it triggered a lot of others because submission isn't something that's explored as much as it should be.
At the end of the day, it sounded to me like she said, "If y'all want a man in your life, how about you let a man be one?" Shoot, Fantasia is a submitter and I've never seen her stronger. She's an independent artist now. She said she has more money in the bank than ever. She looks great. She really does seem healthy and whole.
A great reminder that submission can actually empower you, that is, if you choose the right man to lead. It's all about staying open and choosing wisely. It really is. Submit to God. He'll lead you to who can lead you; who truly deserves your gift of submission. He really will.
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Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at email@example.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
This was first evident more than a decade ago when she quit her job as the corporate executive of a Fortune 500 company during a Periscope livestream. “I’m not sure if there’s an alignment of [our] future trajectory. I’m going to work for myself. I'm promoting myself to work for myself,” she said at the time before flashing a smile at the viewing audience. As she resigned on camera, a constant stream of encouraging messages floated upwards on the screen.
By 2021, she’d fashioned her work as a corporate consultant and her personal life with her husband and three adopted daughters into a reality show, She’s The Boss, for USA Network. This year, she released the New York Times bestselling memoir Nothing Is Missing, written as she was in the process of getting a divorce and dealing with her eldest daughter’s struggles with substance use.
Convinced that there’s no way the 39-year-old has achieved all of this without intentional strategic planning, I asked her about it when we spoke less than a week before Christmas. I’d seen videos on social media of her working on 2024 planning for other brands, and I wanted to know what that looked like following her own year of success.
She listed a number of goals, including ensuring that the projects she takes on in the new year align with her identity “as a Black woman, as an African woman, as a mother, as someone who has lived a [rebuilding] season and is now trying to live boldly and entirely as themselves.” But, I was shocked by how much of her business planning also prioritized rest.
Despite the bestselling book, a self-titled podcast, and working with numerous corporations, Walters said she’s been taking Fridays off. This year, she doesn’t want to work on Mondays, either.
“A lot of us think we work hard until retirement hits. I want to progress towards retirement,” she said, noting that she’ll check in with herself around March to see how successful this plan has been. The goal, Walters said, is to only be working on Tuesdays and Thursdays by sometime in 2025. “It is intentionally building out what I know I would like to have happen and not waiting for exhaustion to be the trigger of change.”
"A lot of us think we work hard until retirement hits. I want to progress towards retirement... It is intentionally building out what I know I would like to happen and not waiting for exhaustion to be the trigger of change."
Walters said the decision to progressively work less was partially in response to her previously held notions about her career, especially as an entrepreneur. “When I first started, I thought burnout was a part of it,” she said. “What I didn’t realize is that even if you’re able to bounce out of burnout or get back to it, there’s a cumulative impact on your body. If you think of your body as a tree and every time you go through burnout, you are taking a hack out of your trunk, yes, that trunk will heal over, and the tree will continue to grow, but it doesn't mean that you don’t have a weakened stem.”
But, the desire for increased rest was also in response to the major shifts that occurred three years ago when she was experiencing major changes in her family and realized her metaphorical tree was “bending all the way over.”
“One of the things we have to recognize, especially as Black women, is that there is this engrained, societal, systemic notion that our worth is built around our productivity,” she added. “That is some language that I think is just now starting to really get unpacked.” In recent years, there’s been an increased awareness of achieving balance in life, with Tricia Hersey’s “The Nap Ministry” gaining attention based on the idea that rest, especially for Black women, is a form of resistance. Even online phrases such as “soft life” and “quiet quitting” have hinted at a cultural shift in prioritizing leisure over professional ambition.
"One of the things we have to recognize, especially as Black women, is that there is this engrained, societal, systemic notion that our worth is built around our productivity."
If companies are lining up to consult with Walters about their brands and products, then women have been looking to her for guidance on starting over since she invited them to livestream her resignation 12 years ago. As viewers continue to demand more from content creators in the form of intimate, personal details, Walters has navigated her personal brand with a sense of transparency without oversharing the vulnerable details about her life, especially when it comes to her family.
The entrepreneur said she’d been approached to write a book for several years and was initially convinced she was finally ready to write one about business. “I started to do that, and then I went through my divorce. When that happened, I said, why would I write a book telling people to get the life that I have when I’m not sure about the life that I have,” she said.
Instead, she decided to write Nothing Is Missing and provide a closer look at her life, starting with being born to immigrant Ghanaian parents (“You need to know my childhood to know why I’m passionate about entrepreneurship.”) through the adoption of her three daughters and eventual divorce. Despite her desire to share, however, she said she felt protective of the privacy of her family, including her ex-husband.
When discussing this with me, Walters said she was reminded of a lesson she learned from actress Kerry Washington, who released her own memoir, Thicker Than Water, just a week before Walters’ book release. Washington’s memoir grapples with family secrets, too, specifically the fact that she was conceived using a sperm donor and didn’t learn about it until she was already a successful TV star. While Washington reflects on how the decision and subsequent deception impacted her, she’s also careful to hold space for her parents’ experiences, too. “A lot of things she said was that she had to recognize where she was the supporting character and where she was the main character,” Walter said.
This is something Walter worked to do in Nothing Is Missing when discussing her daughter’s struggles with addiction. “I was very intentional about making sure that I did not reveal more than what was required,” she said. “If I say something about someone’s addiction, I don’t need to go into the list of the substances they used, how they used them, what I found. [I don’t need to] walk into a room and paint a picture of what it looked like for people to understand.”
Walters said some of the most vulnerable moments in the book barely made a ripple once it was released. She was extremely nervous to write about getting an abortion, she said. But no one has asked her about this in the months since the book was released. Instead, people have been more interested in quirkier revelations, such as the fact that she once appeared on Wheel of Fortune.
“I have bared my soul about this thing I went through in my youth that has changed me for people, and people are like, ‘So how heavy was the wheel when you spun it?’” she said, chuckling. “It just goes to show that people never worry about the thing that you worry about.”
With the success of Nothing Is Missing, Walters said she still isn’t planning to release a business book at the moment. But, as she navigates parenting a teenager and two adult children while also navigating a relationship with her new fiancé, Walters said she believes she has at least one or two more books to write about her personal journey. “There is sort of an arc of where my life has gone that I know I’ve got something more to say about this that I think is important, relevant and necessary,” she said.
In just three years, Walters’ life has undergone a major transformation. There’s no telling what the next three years will have in store for her, but it seems likely she’ll retain an inspired audience wherever life takes her.
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Weed is arguably one of the most socially accepted drugs on the market. Generally acknowledged as a conventional part of social and recreational settings, you can’t go too far without encountering the causal question, “So… do you smoke?”
Naturally, who doesn’t want to take the edge off every now and then? According to the National Institute of Drug Abuse, THC, the psychoactive compound found in cannabis that produces its euphoric and mind-altering effects, embodies a chemical structure “similar to the brain chemical anandamide.” This allows our body to recognize the similarity and alter our normal brain communication, leading to the familiar hazy high feeling one gets after taking a hit.
Because of marijuana’s accessibility and social acceptance, it’s uniquely set apart from other recreational substances. Unlike the stigma attached to harder drugs or excessive alcohol consumption, waking and baking and smoking for leisure, stress reduction, or to pass the time, is often normalized. While many users report positive experiences with weed and find relief from anxiety and depression symptoms, it’s important to consider the potential effects that long-term use can have on one’s mental health and whether it’s time to quit.
In order to do so, we must address one important factor: cannabis is complex.
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For years, researchers have been determined to settle the quandary of whether individuals develop anxiety and depression due to cannabis use or if they use cannabis products as a coping mechanism for existing mental health issues. Still, one thing that is clear is how the effects vary from person to person, and the earlier one starts smoking, the more sustainable they are to long-term drawbacks.
“We do know that when teenagers or young adults are using cannabis more frequently, they have more trouble with anxiety and depression, as compared to people who are using cannabis or marijuana products when they are older adults,” Amie Goodin, Ph.D., MPP, assistant professor at the University of Florida’s Department of Pharmaceutical Outcomes tells xoNecole.
Dr. Goodin explains that on average, there is an observed trend indicating a higher likelihood of negative effects, such as anxiety and depression, among individuals who engage in frequent and substantial cannabis use, though defining "a lot" is challenging.
“There is good evidence to suggest that people who are using pretty regularly, meaning most days and using when they are younger, they tend to have worse anxiety and depression,” she adds. These differences in usage patterns can result in varying experiences for individuals, making it complex to establish a clear threshold for what constitutes high cannabis use.
Still, there are common signs that marijuana users can look out for when determining whether their usage should be reduced or cut out. As Dr. Goofin notes, it’s all about accessing the impact weed is having on one’s lifestyle, health, and relationships.
“If you've noticed that you're spending less time with people that you used to enjoy spending time with, having trouble at your job or school, that's a bit of a concern,” she says. “Another thing to keep in mind is what's happening with your sleep? If it's showing up in your mind, and it's taken up a lot of space in your head, maybe that's a good reason to take a step back and evaluate if you need to talk to somebody?”
Are There Long-Term Effects to Smoking Weed?
While Dr. Goodin notes that smoking weed isn’t inherently life-threatening, that doesn’t necessarily mean there are no downsides. Individuals with pre-existing mental health challenges unrelated to marijuana use, such as post-traumatic stress disorder or psychosis disorders, may experience more severe episodes when using cannabis regularly. Additionally, similar to smoking tobacco, “There might be risks for your heart and cardiovascular system,” which can affect one’s breathing and lung health in the long run.
How to Quit Smoking Weed
Treatment guidelines for cannabis-related issues are currently lacking, partly because existing treatment options are designed for individuals with more severe health issues. Still, if smoking weed is a habit that you’d like to ditch, here's a guide to initiate the process:
1. Create a Sleep Hygiene Plan.
“If you’re smoking weed or vaping, and stop, getting sleep can be tough,” Dr. Goodin explains. “Coming up with a plan for your sleep in advance can be helpful. Thinking about putting in more effort to help your body be more responsive to natural sleep cues is a good place to start.”
2. Schedule Your Annual Check-Up.
Dr. Goodin says, “Scheduling the appointment that we all put off is our regular annual check-up. The kind of advice and guidance from your healthcare provider can make a difference in knowing whether or not there needs to be other discussions made about your weed usage.”
3. Talk to a Friend.
“You don’t necessarily have to do the accountability buddy thing, but it might be a good idea just to let somebody within your social circle know that you’re trying to quit,” she says. “Especially if you tend to hang out with people and smoking is the activity. It's a good idea to talk to your friends and say, ‘Hey, could we try something different?’”
Visit the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration at https://www.samhsa.gov/ for additional mental health support resources.
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