
Recently, the acronym BIPOC has been used when addressing issues surrounding Black Lives Matter, and the Black experience overall. I noticed the trend after the murder of George Floyd, a 46-year-old Black man killed in Minneapolis during an arrest for allegedly using a counterfeit bill that resulted in him being pinned to the ground by former officer Derek Chauvin who kept his knee on Floyd's neck for at least eight minutes and 46 seconds while he spoke the same words Eric Garner did as he died at the hands of police, "I can't breathe."
When companies and communities began to speak out and demand justice for the senseless murder and biases that we face in this country, the term 'BIPOC' was at the helm of many conversations. It led me to wonder who exactly they're talking to and why again the Black community has to adapt to yet another name change?
It's enough as an African-American to unpack that I'm African without memory, and American without privilege, and now I'm expected to take time out of my Black day to Google this foolishness?
Don’t call me BIPOC.
— “Scottie Beam” (@ScottieBeam) June 15, 2020
Unless you want hands and feet put on you.
After some research, I discovered that BIPOC stands for "Black, Indigenous and People of Color". According to The Oxford English Dictionary, the phrase, "people of color" dates back centuries — it was first cited in The Oxford English Dictionary, with the British spelling "colour," in 1796 — and is often abbreviated as POC. Additionally, The New York Times reported that Black and Indigenous was included by Cynthia Frisby, a professor of strategic communication at the Missouri School of Journalism.
Miss me with the people of color talk today. Say Black with a capital B with your whole chest or don’t say anything.
— Matthew A. Cherry (@MatthewACherry) May 29, 2020
While I understand the desire to advocate for multiple groups, and the importance of the acknowledgment of Indigenous people, and people of color, the BIPOC community promotes the inclusion of all people of color who have been mistreated, misrepresented, and discriminated against and unites marginalized communities on more significant issues that hurt all non-white individuals. When you address a group of people that includes Black and Indigenous people of color, that term is acceptable. When you are advocating for issues Black and Indendegous people of color, that term is acceptable. Police brutality, however, is not one of them - it impacts Black, Latinx, and Native-American communities specifically.
Quite frankly, I want our community, and those who desire to hold space for us to know that in order to do that, they need to say Black with a Capital B. The term is the new People of Color, it's palatable. Many of us have had to unlearn the need to say 'people of color' when they desire to say Black, including myself.
And if you actually mean “people of color” then by all means, say that. It’s fine. I’m just asking you to examine your intentions so that Black people aren’t erased in discussions specifically meant for us.
— Robin Thede (@robinthede) June 2, 2020
Still, after hearing another Black women address issues impacting our community specifically, and use the acronym, I thought that maybe I was being dramatic and questioned if I had unlearning to do. Days later, as I sat with my thoughts, the heroes of Black Twitter reminded me that my experience and perspective were valid as I felt silenced by trending terms.
The entire world had to shut down for this county to finally begin paying attention to the preservation of Black life, and we can't even have that?
This isn't to say that there shouldn't be spaces where the BIPOC community comes together. However, we deserve to take up space in conversations that impact us more than any other race, and we shouldn't feel the need to apologize for that.
BIPOC is another way for white people to avoid saying black. don't call me that, please.
— Corey Stokes (@coreystokesss) June 11, 2020
Saying BIPOC when that's not who you wish to target allows this county to continue to avoid the harm that it's done to us, and it drowns out the Black community's cries. As a Black woman in this county, whose Great-Grandmother was Native-American and the first generation to move off of her reservation, I am well aware of the struggles that other groups face. This call-to-action is to not dismiss Indigenous people and people of color that have their own individual inequalities that they fight for.
This is to ask that just as Black people do not attach ourselves to those issues, do not lump us all together when discussing who is disproportionately shot, killed, and put in jail at the hands of police.
Doing so is beyond lazy, it's dismissive, and moreover it tells us that you don't think about what impacts us to the same magnitude as you do when other groups are involved. This country has 400 years worth of conversations specifically for Black people.
Now more than ever, we need to make sure we take up space, specifically for us.
Featured image by Shutterstock
In this compelling and vulnerable episode of xoMan, David Banner joined host Kiara Walker for a wide-ranging conversation on legacy, love, masculinity, and the realities of being a multi-hyphenate in the entertainment industry. Banner is unfiltered, passionate, and introspective—offering truth bombs, wisdom, and humor in equal measure.
He reflected on the complexity of his multi-faceted career. “I’m blessed, and in some ways, it can be distracting,” he said, acknowledging how his drive for greatness pulls him in many directions. “One thing that I have realized, if you do any one thing at a genius level, it’ll make all the rest of the dreams so much easier… It’s just the truth. The hotter I am as an artist, the easier it is for me as an actor.” Despite overcoming challenges, he’s grateful:
“It’s surreal. But it also protects me as a man and allows me to be more of a man in these spaces because no one space controls me.”
Banner offered powerful reflections on self-worth and perspective. “I also had to realize that my failures are some people’s dreams,” he said. “Sometimes we have a tendency to feel like we’re stuck but we forget what we’re being stuck in—what we’re ‘stuck’ in. My life is great on the bad side, you know what I’m saying?”
He got real about how childhood dreams often meet hard truths. “Growing up, I believed some of the stories about music and acting… My parents told us, you know, if you eat your Wheaties and you work hard and you do what’s right and all those types of things—most of that stuff is a lie. It’s who you know, what you know, what you do, how you stack the cards to run in your favor. My dream is to make it where children can live that lie that was told to us. Where Banner Vision, my company, can even the playing fields.”
- YouTube
On relationships, identity, and emotional maturity, Banner said: “I love me when I wake up in the morning. One of the reasons I’m so happy is because I love to hang out with me. I’m cool.”
When it comes to a relationship, ultimately he wants to be remembered with honor: “I want to die with a woman saying I wish that was my husband… A woman said to me one time… ‘You don’t remind me of my father, you remind me of my grandfather.’ And like, so many times we try to do new things and evolve when the real truth is we probably should go back to those values that made us the Black men and women that we are.”
Want more real talk from xoMAN? Catch the full audio episodes every Tuesday on Spotify and Apple Podcasts, and don’t miss the full video drops every Wednesday on YouTube. Hit follow, subscribe, and stay tapped in.
Featured image by xoNecole/YouTube
Ask Yourself The Following 6 Questions Before Engaging In 'Casual Vacation Sex'
Throughout the years of penning for the platform, I’ve shared all kinds of things that I have experienced while being a marriage life coach. Interestingly enough, though, something that I don’t think I’ve ever mentioned is how many times a couple has found themselves in some sort of trouble because of a vacation trip that went awry or how often a single person has told me that they had some regrets after going on a trip with some friends.
Yeah, I’m pretty sure that you can tell from the title of today’s article what I’m referring to, specifically, because although it might not be discussed a lot (and in my opinion, as often as it should be), lots of people do partake in what I call “casual vacation sex.”
Statistically? It’s been cited that somewhere around 30 percent of vacationers have admitted to having at least one one-night stand. And again, since some wives and single women alike have told me personally that they’ve done some things that they never thought they would while hanging out in another city (or country), since most individuals take vacations during this time of the year more than any other season and also since an ounce of prevention is certainly worth a pound of cure…if you’ve got some travel plans coming up and you want to be as safe and responsible as possible, when it comes to potential sexual activity, here are six questions that you absolutely should ask yourself — before anything goes down.
6 Questions To Ask Before Vacation Hookups
1. Why Am I Doing It?
GiphyAuthor Daniel H. Pink once said, “Asking ‘Why?’ can lead to understanding. Asking ‘Why not?’ can lead to breakthroughs.” That said, you can read my article, “We Should Really Rethink The Term 'Casual Sex'” to see what my personal thoughts are about casual sex and why I believe that it should be taken far more seriously than our culture prefers to. However, everyone is different and y’all are certainly grown and so, if casual sex is something that you are considering, well — because, as my mother used to say, the consequences of sex don’t change just because the circumstances do, it’s important to really ask yourself WHY you are about to do it.
So, you know what this means, right? You really should make a commitment to yourself to not put yourself in the position to have sex unless you are sober — or at least sober while making the decision to do it — because it’s a lot more difficult to be self-aware and self-reflective if/when you’re inebriated. You also need to try to understand what your reasons are beyond being horny, he looks good or you’ve always wanted to try it out. Because listen, as wonderful as the feeling of sex can be, there’s no way around the fact that it is an act that can totally change your life, not always in the ways that you would like it to, if you are not extremely careful.
So yes, know your “why” and then really understand it to the point of being able to clearly articulate it if/when asked. Typically, if you understand your motive for something, that makes it easier to deal with whatever comes from it.
2. Do I Have Realistic Expectations?
GiphyYears ago, one of my clients had a one-night stand with a guy while on a girls’ trip. As she ooh and aahed about how attractive he was and the strong connection they made (chile), I asked her two simple questions: “Did you cum?” Her answer was “no.” Have you heard from him since? Also, no. And that got her to really thinking because, in the midst of the excitement and adrenaline (along with some alcohol), she came to realize that the experience wasn’t really all that. They had sex multiple times and her satisfaction was not his priority. And even though they exchanged info, his actions afterwards proved that he didn’t want to stay in touch; that he was probably being polite more than anything else.
“I don’t know what I was expecting from the sex,” she said. “I just enjoyed someone new who I was really attracted to. I did expect to hear from him by now, though.” And to all of this, all I could do was shake my head. Having no expectations is how you get taken advantage of. Having unrealistic expectations is how you end up playing yourself.
That said, if you’re going to have sex with someone who you just met while you’re on vacation, you will spare your mind, body and soul a lot of disappointment if you set realistic expectations — not when it comes to him but how you plan to process him, before, during and afterwards. So yes, ask yourself what you expect from casual vacation sex and then mentally and emotionally prepare and discipline yourself to follow through with what those expectations are. Make sure they aren’t “movie” expectations (that you will automatically have chemistry and it will be a long-term connection…maybe, maybe not); that they are real ones (you don’t really know that man and so how it plays out is kind of a crap shoot).
3. Am I Taking Every Measure to Protect Myself?
GiphyA part of the reason why I wrote articles like “Can You Actually Get An STI/STD From Kissing? Yes. And No.” and “If You Have Herpes, When Should You Reveal It To A Potential Partner?” for the platform is because, with articles like “STIs, including syphilis, gonorrhea, increasing globally: WHO” (ABC News) being pretty easy to find out here in these internet streets, again, it’s important to not reenact some rom-com while engaging in vacation sex.
What I mean by that is, while it might look all hot and romantic to meet a guy at a bar, talk a bit and then, hours later, find yourself rolling around on the beach by some crashing waves in the middle of the night, those movies rarely show someone pulling out a condom and y’all, with STI/STDs still being alive and well, and the incubation period for some of them meaning that it could take months for it to show up — how much would it truly suck to have a great night and then find out, three months later, that he left you with more than an orgasm or two? And don’t even get me started on a potential positive sign on a pregnancy test.
Bring your own condoms. Require that they be used. And honestly, if I were you, I would invest in some rapid at-home STI/STD tests (like these here) to take along with you. They are kind of on the pricey side yet…can you really put a price tag on your health? EXACTLY.
4. Is It More About Inner Desire or (Peer) Pressure?
GiphyThere are two things that a lot of adult people bring along from their childhood that I will never really understand. First up — there are more than a few women who talk about wanting to be “spoiled” by a man when most of us were raised (and raise our own kids) to be the exact opposite of that (cognitive dissonance, much?). Next? Think about how many of us were told to not make a significant decision based on the pressure of our friends trying to get us to do it. Then reflect on many adults do whatever celebrities, social media or even their own friends are doing…simply because they are doing it. Whew, chile.
And that’s why, if you are going on vacation with a group of folks, you really should take note of the kind of people they are. If you’re married, do they trash relationships a lot? If you’re single, do they try to downplay certain standards and boundaries that you have, even when you deal with them on a local level?
Again, you’re grown and your body is certainly your own, so if you want to have sex while you’re on vacation, that is totally your right. Full stop. Just make sure that you are doing it because YOU want to do it — not because the guy is pressuring you or the people who you traveled with are encouraging you to do it. Oh, and please also hold close a motto that I made up years ago that I try to live by — “If your mind, body and spirit are not all in agreement…pause.” The way that right there will spare you so much potential drama and trauma? Words cannot express.
5. What Do I Want to Come from It?
GiphyA Polish poet by the name of Stanislaw Jerzy Lec once said, “You can close your eyes to reality but not to memories,” and y’all, when it comes to what we are talking about today, truer words have never been spoken. That said, if you’re someone who really and truly gets what the word “casual” or “fleeting” means and all you’re looking for is a moment of sexual release — do your thing.
However, say that you took your vacation to get over an ex or to have a temporary escape from something stressful that you are going through. If that is the case, you could be using sex to make you feel holistically better — and that could end up backfiring on you in the long-run if there is no sexual compatibility, the guy doesn’t treat you as intently as you would’ve wanted or you find yourself “editing” the memories of the experience to make it bigger than it was…which makes it harder to get over.
Knowing what you want and being honest with yourself about whether or not something is worth the risk to see if it will meet that desire is where the big kids play. And since you’re a grown woman…well.
6. Am I Prepared for Potentially Unforeseen Fallout?
GiphyIf you read between the lines, you caught that some married clients of mine have had flings while on vacation (without their spouse). Some were emotional affairs. Some consisted of drunken sex. Some were oral sex exchanges. All ended up being highly problematic on some level. One client ended up divorced. Another ended up with herpes. Another…the husband is currently deciding if he wants to remain married or not.
And that’s the thing about sex — even if you go into the act with a clear mind, even if you use protection, because the act has so many layers to it, sometimes the consequences of the act can end up manifesting in ways that you never would’ve expected…because a single client of mine ended up having casual sex with a guy who wouldn’t leave her alone to the point where she had to get a restraining order months after returning home. SMDH.
Most of us have heard of Isaac Newton's Third Law of Motion: “For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction.” This is DEFINITELY something to keep in mind when it comes to partaking in casual vacation sex, okay? Please, for the sake of every single part of you, you make sure that you do.
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