Ah, afterplay. I'll be honest with, y'all—while I am indeed impressed by a man who brings his "A" game in the foreplay department, I am totally enamored with a man who is a master at afterplay. If you're not exactly sure what that is, it's basically when you've got the kind of sex partner who doesn't simply climax, immediately roll over and fall asleep (ugh). It's when you're with someone who is attentive enough, intuitive enough and into-you-enough to want to provide a little extra attention, affection—or perhaps even something more than that—once the deed is "done".
To me, not only is an afterplay man the mark of a great lover, it also shows a man who has some pretty impressive stamina and staying power too.
Why do I say that? It's because I know that men falling asleep after sex isn't something that they just came up with, all on their own; there is actually a science to it all. Long story short, when a man ejaculates, he releases norepinephrine, vasopressin, nitric oxide, serotonin, oxytocin and prolactin. Prolactin is not only tied to sexual satisfaction, it is also heightened during sleep. Meanwhile, oxytocin and vasopressin are two other chemicals that are at their peak during orgasms; plus, they are associated with relaxation and catching z-z-z's. So basically, when a man cums and those chemicals are triggered, it's like he's receiving a huge boost of pleasure and the ultimate sleeping pill at the same time. So yeah, when you take all of this into account, if a man is able to muster up the effort and energy for afterplay, he definitely deserves a round of applause.
But what if your man is, eh, lacking in this department? Honestly, I wouldn't worry too much about it. Chances are, all he needs is a little motivation to stay up, just a bit longer. My hope is that these tips will inspire him—and you—to do just that. Because if you've ever experienced real afterplay before, you know that sex only gets better—and you and your partner only get closer—whenever you get some of it.
What Is Afterplay?
1. Kiss
Kissing is hot. Lord knows that it is. But sometimes, in the moment, we lose our lover's lips in exchange for deep breathing, dirty talking and sometimes, even screaming at the top of our lungs. Something that you and yours can do to reconnect at the end of an orgasm is to kiss each other. Because kissing triggers the "love hormone" oxytocin in our system, it can immediately create a feeling of warmth, safety and even sentimentality. That way, should your man start to drift off to sleep, at least you will feel like he is present; that he didn't simply "check out" once he "got his".
2. Cuddle
I've got a girlfriend who hates to cuddle after sex. Meanwhile, her husband absolutely adores it. In the beginning of their marriage, them not being on the same page in this area wasn't that much of a big deal. Oh, but as the years have passed, it has become more and more of an issue for him. Because my friend isn't very physically affectionate, in general, her husband looks for sex as a time to be able to hug up, spoon and get close in a way that they aren't able to do as much when they are, say, watching a movie on the couch. I get that too because cuddling is a way to create, not just physical, but emotional intimacy with your partner.
Plus, cuddling is also able to reduce anxiety, lower bodily inflammation, ease chronic pain, strengthen your immune system and, ironically, make it easier for both of you to fall asleep.
So, if your man is like, "Baby, I'm trying to hang in there, but it was so good that I've got to at least take a cat nap", ask him to meet you halfway by agreeing to spoon with you. It's a classic afterplay move that tends to satisfy everyone involved.
3. Fondle
Although the findings on this kind of run the gamut, on average, it takes a man around five minutes to have an orgasm while it takes us women around 14 minutes. This is why the best male lovers know that 1) foreplay is paramount because it slows them down while giving their partner time to "warm up" and 2) it's best if they focus on their partner getting off before they do. Shoot, since a man can cum in five minutes, it's pretty much a given that he—with the help of you, of course—will find his "sweet spot". But if he puts himself before you and then he's exhausted or even needs 30 minutes or so before the next round, that could, at the very least, leave you irritated—if not mad frustrated.
If there are moments when your game is so good that he simply can't stop himself from "running ahead of you", another awesome afterplay move is to get him to fondle or even finger you. If the foreplay was there and the sex felt great, sometimes all you need is a little extra stimulation to take you right over the edge in a matter of a couple of moments.
4. Engage in Oral
A pretty much surefire way to get yours (or get yours again) is to have your partner engage in a little cunnilingus. Come to think of it, since both men and women are (reportedly) comfortable with oral action only lasting between 10-11 minutes, unless your partner is the most selfish man on the planet (which would require me penning a totally different kind of article), he can muster up enough energy for some licky-licky, even if he is too tired (at the moment) for some sticky-sticky.
5. Watch a Movie
There's a married couple I know whose schedule is so tight (partly due to the houseful of children that they have) that, the only time they are really able to get any alone time together is after 11pm. They try and make a point to, at least three times a week, stay up and hang out for a couple of hours around then. If you can relate, another way to incorporate afterplay is to watch a movie together. There's something sweet and totally stress-free about being able to curl up with your partner in bed so that you can check out a favorite past film or check out a new one together. And yes, it counts as afterplay because it cultivates intimacy. All good afterplay does.
6. Talk
I know that guys read a lot of the content on our site too. So yes, fellas, I know that this particular point is probably causing some of you to roll your eyes (in the most masculine way possible, of course). But from what my male buddies have told me, they are not opposed to pillow talk following sex. No, what they hate is "deep" pillow talking. So ladies, the whole "Where is this going?", "Are we ready to take it to the next level?" or, if you're married, talking about the bills, in-laws or work-related stuff is not even remotely what consists of giving good afterplay. Reserve this kind of talking for affirming one another, laughing together and seeing how you both can talk each other into going at it…again…at some point.
7. Eat
If you're someone who loves to work out then you can probably relate to how good food tastes after you do it. Well, sex is the ultimate form of exercise, right? A way to refuel and get some extra quality time in with your partner is to have sex and then enjoy a snack together. Now, I'm not saying that you should have a five-course dinner. But a bowl of strawberries (they remove bacteria and boost the libido), a spinach salad (spinach increases blood circulation), a couple of bananas (they will replenish the iron, potassium, and calcium that may have been lost during your romp) and—get this—pizza all top the list of being great afterplay cuisine.
And why pizza? Aside from the fact that it's pizza, there's a study that revealed that many people (2,000 millennials, to be exact) immediately felt closer to individuals who happen to like the same foods that they did. And 46 percent of the people polled liked it when their partner liked pizza. So, if you want to gas your partner up to go another round, try the strawberries, spinach and bananas. But if you want simply want to get some bonding time in and you bask in the afterglow, order a pizza.
They're all awesome afterplay moves. The kind that will make you and yours the ultimate afterplay pros.
Want more stories like this? Sign up for our newsletter here and check out the related reads below:
Want A More Intense Orgasm? These Tips Are Sure To Make You Cream
Blow Your Man's Mind By Giving Him This Tantalizing Massage
What Is 'Erotic Self-Focus' & Why You Should Definitely Try It
Feature image by Shutterstock
- Mental Foreplay Hacks That Ultimately Takes Intercourse To New Levels - xoNecole: Women's Interest, Love, Wellness, Beauty ›
- Want Him To Come Inside You? Read This. - xoNecole: Women's Interest, Love, Wellness, Beauty ›
- Is Foreplay Important To Sex? Here's Why It Matters - xoNecole: Women's Interest, Love, Wellness, Beauty ›
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So, we handpicked one hundred It Girls who embody that palpable It Factor moving through us as young Black women, the kind of motion lighting up the world both IRL and across the internet.
It Girl 100 became xoNecole’s most successful program, with the hashtag organically reaching more than forty million impressions on Instagram in just twenty-four hours. Yes, it caught on like wildfire because we celebrated some of the most brilliant and influential GenZennial women of color setting trends and shaping culture. But more than that, it resonated because the women we celebrated felt seen.
Many were already known in their industries for keeping this generation fly and lit, but rarely received recognition or flowers. It Girl 100 became a safe space to be uplifted, and for us as Black women to bask in what felt like an era of our brilliance, beauty, and boundless influence on full display.
And then, almost overnight, it was as if the rug was pulled from under us as Black women, as the It Girls of the world.
Our much-needed, much-deserved season of ease and soft living quickly metamorphosed into a time of self-preservation and survival. Our motion and economic progression seemed strategically slowed, our light under siege.
The air feels heavier now. The headlines colder. Our Black girl magic is being picked apart and politicized for simply existing.
With that climate shift, as we prepare to launch our second annual It Girl 100 honoree list, our team has had to dig deep on the purpose and intention behind this year’s list. Knowing the spirit of It Girl 100 is about motion, sauce, strides, and progression, how do we celebrate amid uncertainty and collective grief when the juice feels like it is being squeezed out of us?
As we wrestled with that question, we were reminded that this tension isn’t new. Black women have always had to find joy in the midst of struggle, to create light even in the darkest corners. We have carried the weight of scrutiny for generations, expected to be strong, to serve, to smile through the sting. But this moment feels different. It feels deeply personal.
We are living at the intersection of liberation and backlash. We are learning to take off our capes, to say no when we are tired, to embrace softness without apology.
And somehow, the world has found new ways to punish us for it.
In lifestyle, women like Kayla Nicole and Ayesha Curry have been ridiculed for daring to choose themselves. Tracee Ellis Ross was labeled bitter for speaking her truth about love. Meghan Markle, still, cannot breathe without critique.
In politics, Kamala Harris, Letitia James, and Jasmine Crockett are dragged through the mud for standing tall in rooms not built for them.
In sports, Angel Reese, Coco Gauff, and Taylor Townsend have been reminded that even excellence will not shield you from racism or judgment.
In business, visionaries like Diarrha N’Diaye-Mbaye and Melissa Butler are fighting to keep their dreams alive in an economy that too often forgets us first.
Even our icons, Beyoncé, Serena, and SZA, have faced criticism simply for evolving beyond the boxes society tried to keep them in.
From everyday women to cultural phenoms, the pattern is the same. Our light is being tested.
And yet, somehow, through it all, we are still showing up as that girl, and that deserves to be celebrated.
Because while the world debates our worth, we keep raising our value. And that proof is all around us.
This year alone, Naomi Osaka returned from motherhood and mental health challenges to reach the semifinals of the US Open. A’ja Wilson claimed another MVP, reminding us that beauty and dominance can coexist. Brandy and Monica are snatching our edges on tour. Kahlana Barfield Brown sold out her new line in the face of a retailer that had been canceled. And Melissa Butler’s company, The Lip Bar, is projecting a forty percent surge in sales.
We are no longer defining strength by how much pain we can endure. We are defining it by the unbreakable light we continue to radiate.
We are the women walking our daily steps and also continuing to run solid businesses. We are growing in love, taking solo trips, laughing until it hurts, raising babies and ideas, drinking our green juice, and praying our peace back into existence.
We are rediscovering the joy of rest and realizing that softness is not weakness, it is strategy.
And through it all, we continue to lift one another. Emma Grede is creating seats at the table. Valeisha Butterfield has started a fund for jobless Black women. Arian Simone is leading in media with fearless conviction. We are pouring into each other in ways the world rarely sees but always feels.
So yes, we are in the midst of societal warfare. Yes, we are being tested. Yes, we are facing economic strain, political targeting, and public scrutiny. But even war cannot dim a light that is divinely ours.
And we are still shining.
And we are still softening.
And we are still creating.
And we are still It.
That is the quiet magic of Black womanhood, our ability to hold both truth and triumph in the same breath, to say yes, and to life’s contradictions.
It is no coincidence that this year, as SheaMoisture embraces the message “Yes, And,” they stand beside us as partners in celebrating this class of It Girls. Because that phrase, those two simple words, capture the very essence of this moment.
Yes, we are tired. And we are still rising.
Yes, we are questioned. And we are the answer.
Yes, we are bruised. And we are still beautiful.
This year’s It Girl 100 is more than a list. It is a love letter to every Black woman who dares to live out loud in a world that would rather she whisper. This year’s class is living proof of “Yes, And,” women who are finding ways to thrive and to heal, to build and to rest, to lead and to love, all at once.
It is proof that our joy is not naive, our success not accidental. It is the reminder that our light has never needed permission.
So without further ado, we celebrate the It Girl 100 Class of 2025–2026.
We celebrate the millions of us who keep doing it with grace, grit, and glory.
Because despite it all, we still shine.
Because we are still her.
Because we are still IT, girl.
Meet all 100 women shaping culture in the It Girl 100 Class of 2025. View the complete list of honorees here.
Featured image by xoStaff
Then there were those who gave up their zip code altogether and found a permanent home in the skies. After years spent recruiting students for a university, Lisa-Gaye Shakespeare became a full-time travel influencer and founded her travel company, Shakespeare Agency. And she's not alone.
These stories mirror the experiences of women across the world. For millions, the pandemic induced a seismic shift in priorities and desires. Corporate careers that were once hailed as the ultimate “I made it” moment in one's career were pushed to the back burner as women quit their jobs in search of a more self-fulfilling purpose.
xoNecole spoke to these three Black women who used the pandemic as a springboard to make their wildest dreams a reality, the lessons they learned, and posed the question of whether they’ll ever return to cubicle life.
Answers have been edited for context and length.
xoNecole: How did the pandemic lead to you leaving the cubicle?
Randi: I was becoming stagnant. I was working in mortgage and banking but I felt like my personality was too big for that job! From there, I transitioned to radio but was laid off during the pandemic. That’s what made me go full throttle with entrepreneurship.
Gabrielle: I moved around a lot for work. Five times over a span of seven years. I knew I needed a break because I had experienced so much. So, I just quit one day. Effective immediately. I didn’t know what I was going to do, I just knew I needed a break and to just regroup.
Lisa-Gaye: I was working in recruiting at a university and my dream job just kind of fell into my lap! But, I never got to fully enjoy it before the world shut down in March [2020] and I was laid off. On top of that, I was stuck in Miami because Jamaica had closed its borders due to the pandemic before I was able to return.
Randi O
xoN: Tell us about your journey after leaving Corporate America.
Randi: I do it all now! I have a podcast, I’m an on-air talent, I act, and I own a public relations company that focuses on social media engagement. It’s all from my network. When you go out and start a business, you can’t just say, “Okay I’m done with Corporate America,” and “Let me do my own thing.” If you don’t build community, if you don’t build a network it's going to be very hard to sustain.
Gabrielle: I realized in New York, there was not a lot to do for Black lesbians and queer folks. We don’t really have dedicated bars and spaces so I started doing events and it took off. I started focusing on my brand, Raw Honey. I opened a co-working space, and I was able to host an NYC Pride event in front of 100,000 people. I hit the ground running with Raw Honey. My events were all women coming to find community and come together with other lesbians and queer folks. I found my purpose in that.
Lisa-Gaye: After being laid off, I wrote out all of my passions and that’s how I came up with [my company] Shakespeare Agency. It was all of the things that I loved to do under one umbrella. The pandemic pulled that out of me. I had a very large social media following, so I pitched to hotels that I would feature them on my blog and social media. This reignited my passion for travel. I took the rest of the year to refocus my brand to focus solely on being a content creator within the travel space.
Gabrielle
xoN: What have you learned about yourself during your time as an entrepreneur?
Randi: [I learned] the importance of my network and community that I created. When I was laid off I was still keeping those relationships with people that I used to work with. So it was easy for me to transition into social media management and I didn’t have to start from scratch.
Gabrielle: The biggest thing I learned about myself was my own personal identity as a Black lesbian and how much I had assimilated into straight and corporate culture and not being myself. Now, I feel comfortable and confident being my authentic self. Now, I'm not sacrificing anything else for my career. I have a full life. I have friends. I have a social life. And when you are happy and have a full quality of life, I feel like [I] can have more longevity in my career.
Lisa-Gaye: [I'm doing] the best that I've ever done. The discipline that I’m building within myself. Nobody is saying, ‘Oh you have to be at work at this time.’ There’s no boss saying, ‘Why are you late?’ But, if I’m laying in bed at 10 a.m. then it's me saying [to myself], 'Okay, Lisa, get up, it's time for you to start working!’ That’s all on me.
xoNecole: What mistakes do you want to help people avoid when leaving Corporate America?
Randi: You have to learn about the highs and lows of entrepreneurship. You have a fast season and a slow season and I started to learn that when you're self-employed the latter season hits hard. Don't get caught up on the lows, just keep going and don't stop. I’m glad I did.
Gabrielle: I think everyone should quit their job and just figure it out for a second. You will discover so much about yourself when you take a second to just focus on you. Your skill set will always be there. You can’t be afraid of what will happen when you bet on yourself.
Lisa-Gaye: When it comes to being an influencer the field is saturated and a lot of people suffer from imposter syndrome. There is nothing wrong with being an imposter but find out how to make it yours, how to make it better. If you go to the store, you see 10 million different brands of bread! But you are choosing the brand that you like because you like that particular flavor.
So be an imposter, but be the best imposter of yourself and add your own flair, your own flavor. Make the better bread. The bread that you want.
Lisa-Gaye Shakespeare
xoNecole: Will you ever return to your 9 to 5?
Randi: I wouldn’t go back to Corporate America. But I don’t mind working under someone. A lot of people try to get into this business saying, “I can't work under anyone.” That’s not necessarily the reason to start a business because you're always going to answer to somebody. Clients, brands, there’s always someone else involved.
Gabrielle: I went back! I really needed a break and I gave myself that. But, I realized I’m a corporate girl, [and] I enjoy the work that I do. I’m good at it and I really missed that side of myself. I have different sides of me and my whole identity is not Raw Honey or my queerness. A big side of me is business and that’s why I love having my career. Now I feel like my best self.
Lisa-Gaye: I really don’t. For right now, I love working for myself. It's gratifying, it's challenging, it's exciting. It’s a big deal for me to say I own my own business. That I am my own boss, and I'm a Black woman doing it.
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Featured image courtesy of Lisa-Gaye Shakespeare
Originally published on February 6, 2023