My Decision To Big Chop Changed The Game For My Love Life
Tall, like at least six feet. Attractive. Doesn't have to be college educated but he's got to be ambitious...and intelligent. Not too clingy, but present. Meh, I don't do locs. No locs. In fact, no hair. Just a clean fade.
That is just a glimpse of the checklist I keep in my mind when keeping my eyes peeled for potential. I'm willing to admit that I'm shallow, but I have also made it a point to remind myself that I wouldn't put a pin in that very potential I had been on the lookout for if someone came along and he wasn't a concoction of my imagination and past baggage. Basically, I've always said I'm not shallow enough to ignore and resist chemistry simply because I'm not immediately attracted to a person's outward appearance.
However, it's only recently that I've been forced to be a woman of my word and date outside the comfort zone of my list. I believe it has everything to do with me taking on round two of the big chop with all of the confidence I didn't know the first time I big chopped. To break down the equation, it seems to be two parts confidence, one part big chop, and I'm convinced that it will have a significant impact on the way I view dating, men, and the laws of attraction.
In cutting off my hair, I observed how my TWA would stop attracting one type of man and draw in another.
It stopped attracting my type and I started attracting a greater level of authenticity. After chopping my hair, while I was more confident and more fashionable (something I now felt I had to be so that I was not to be mistaken for a prepubescent boy) than I ever imagined, I would be back in my "Apple Bottom" phase and I was also forced to have a slice of humble pie. Who was I to write someone off for their hair? At the very least I knew I'd be a hypocrite if I didn't tighten up with all of these physical characteristics I deemed "my type".
My big chop has forced me to hone in on the agape love that I was putting out into the rest of the world.
Agape love, a Greco-Christian term and something that I only recently learned about, is a selfless sacrificial type of love. It's one of four types of love in the Bible that we observe in the world; the others include Eros, Philia, and Storge (in no particular order). Most people, myself included, act out of eros or erotic love upon first meeting someone. Eros love is the superficial stuff, eros demands a physical attraction. Acting on eros love first is a desire to want the full package before penetrating the surface. However, it's agape love that will help you look past the superficial qualities a person has to offer and see their truth alongside your truth.
This is what I've come to understand about myself! There's levels to this and this whole time I've been trying to level up without doing the work in between, and doing it backwards at that. Sexually driven, I've always wanted to be attracted to you outwardly before I acted on anything else, and if the sex was good then for me, that led to romance but it almost always led me to lackluster, half-ass romance.
There's an exception to all of this, of course, but we can't all be that. We can't all be the couple who married after 30 days and stayed together for a lifetime. We can't all be the couple who started out just f*cking and then ended up in love. We can't all be the love that the media portrays, and that's what we want when we seek out these superficial qualities.
The reality is that leading with eros will almost always fail you when you're hoping to build with something authentic.
Ultimately, you attract what you are and sometimes you attract what you lack. You attract what you put into the world, you attract what you're ready for, and if you can't embrace a new face in the most wholesome way of love, then the truth is you (and I'm speaking to myself here) have more room for growth.
Well, the TWA is making me grow. The hair has made me love myself in an agape way that I don't think was present before. I loved myself with the condition, I loved myself in an eros way that I knew made me appealing and attractive to a majority but I don't want the majority filling my cup.
As I break down the walls of my love and its superficial standards, I can't lose because I will have evolved and so I will have attracted someone who meets me right there where I'm at. Evolved. And when that's not what it is, I'll know and I won't settle because I'll know there are more many more fish in the sea when you dive deeper than the superficial waters I've been living in.
Featured image by Getty Images.
Originally published on March 14, 2019
- 11 TWA Styles, Natural Hair Teeny Weeny Afro - xoNecole: Women's Interest, Love, Wellness, Beauty ›
- Black Women Big Chop Hair Growth - xoNecole: Women's Interest, Love, Wellness, Beauty ›
- Questions To Ask Before Getting The Big Chop - xoNecole: Women's Interest, Love, Wellness, Beauty ›
- Big Chop Transition to Natural Hair ›
- Natural Hair Newbie: Should I Big Chop Or Long-Term Transition ... ›
- 17 Big Chop Transformations That Prove Long Hair Isn't The Only Way ›
- Reasons Why The Big Chop is Totally Worth It (Chop it Off!) ›
- The Big Chop - One Option to Start Your Natural Hair Journey ›
- THE BIG CHOP STARTING MY NATURAL HAIR JOURNEY OVER ... ›
- Big Chop Tutorial: Use This Step by Step Guide to Get Started ... ›
- The Big Chop 2016: Starting My New Natural Hair Journey - YouTube ›
- Pros and Cons of the Big Chop to Natural Hair ›
- Big Chop: How to Make the Cut - Allure ›
Motor City native, Atlanta living. Sagittarius. Writer. Sexpert. Into all things magical, mystical, and unknown. I'll try anything at least once but you knew that the moment I revealed that I was a Sag.
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LISTÂ HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for daily love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
When discussing the topic of raising children, discipline is often the first thing that comes to mind. Children need discipline. Full stop. But what is discipline? And how do we draw the line between discipline and revenge?
The origin of the word "discipline" can be traced back to the Latin word "disciplina," which means "instruction" or "teaching." Over time, however, discipline has come to be synonymous with punishment, with parents relying on shame, fear, and/or physical pain to curb undesirable behavior.
Teaching takes time, so nipping it in the bud in whatever fashion parents deem necessary (within reason) has become the norm. But is this what’s best for children? And when does it become less about curbing undesirable behavior and more about getting our licks back for offenses we feel our children should know better to do?
In my work as a parenting coach, I’ve often heard parents say, “I asked him nicely three times before spanking him. He didn’t stop doing it until I did, so clearly talking doesn’t work.”
And the parent isn’t wrong. Talking often doesn’t work the first, the third, or the even the 10th time. And the reason is directly tied to brain development.
Children cannot and do not process information the way an adult can. Auditory processing is not fully developed until a child is 14 or 15 years old. And even then, if a child has auditory processing delays or Auditory Processing Disorder (APD), they may always struggle with processing auditory commands. According to Susie S. Loraine, MA, CCC-SLP, the term auditory processing refers to how the brain perceives and interprets sound information. Several skills determine auditory processing ability—or listening success. They develop in a general four-step hierarchy, but all work together and are essential for daily listening.
Without this understanding, discipline can easily become revenge because parents will then view their child’s misdeeds as a personal slight. Instead of teaching them to do better, parents now want to show them the consequences of not doing better. This is why it's imperative for parents to discern between discipline and revenge to maintain healthy relationships with their children.
5 WAYS TO DISTINGUISH BETWEEN PARENTAL GUIDANCE AND RETALIATION:Â Â
​Understanding The Intent
Discipline is rooted in love and concern for the child's well-being. It focuses on teaching lessons and helping children understand the consequences of their actions. Conversely, revenge-driven actions stem from a desire to inflict pain or punishment as payback for perceived slights or disobedience. Parents should reflect on their motives before taking disciplinary actions. Ask yourself whether your intention is to help your child learn or to make them suffer for upsetting you.
Example: If a child accidentally breaks a valuable item, a disciplinary response would involve discussing the importance of being careful and working with the child to come up with a way to replace or fix what they’ve broken. On the other hand, a vengeful reaction might involve yelling, harsh punishment, or bringing up past mistakes to intensify guilt.
​Maintaining Emotional Regulation
Effective discipline requires parents to remain calm and composed, even in challenging situations. It's natural to feel upset or frustrated when children misbehave, but responding with anger or resentment can escalate the situation and blur the line between discipline and revenge. Before addressing the issue, take a moment to breathe and collect your thoughts.
Example: If a child cannot follow instructions, a disciplined response would involve calmly explaining why their cooperation is necessary in working with the child to accomplish the goal. Conversely, a retaliatory response might involve shouting, name-calling, or resorting to physical punishment out of anger.
​Promoting Growth and Learning
Discipline should always aim to promote growth and learning. It involves guiding children toward making better choices and understanding the impact of their actions on themselves and others. Effective discipline strategies include positive reinforcement, setting clear expectations, and providing opportunities for reflection and growth.
Example: If a child repeatedly forgets to complete their chores, a disciplinary approach would involve discussing the importance of responsibility and finding solutions together, such as creating a chore chart or setting reminders with Siri or Alexa. In contrast, a revenge-driven response might involve imposing overly harsh punishments or belittling the child, which can undermine their self-esteem and hinder their ability to learn from their mistakes.
Momo Productions/Getty
Building Trust and Communication
Trust and open communication are essential components of a healthy parent-child relationship. Discipline should strengthen this bond by fostering trust and encouraging children to confide in their parents without fear of judgment or retaliation. When children feel safe and supported, they're more likely to accept discipline as a form of guidance rather than punishment.
Example: If a child admits to breaking a rule or making a mistake, a disciplined response would involve listening to their perspective, discussing the consequences of their actions, and working together to find a solution. Conversely, a retaliatory response might involve accusations, blame, or shutting down communication, which can erode trust and damage the parent-child relationship.
Seeking Professional Guidance
Parenting is a learning journey, and, disciplining children is a delicate balance between guiding them toward responsible behavior and nurturing their growth. By understanding the intent behind our actions, maintaining emotional regulation, promoting growth and learning, building trust and communication, and seeking professional guidance when needed, as parents we can help our children built on love, respect, and understanding.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Featured image by Courtney Hale/Getty Images