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Newsflash: Your Circumstances Have Very Little To Do With Your Happiness
Would you do me a favor? Stop whatever other thing that you're doing right now (because we women love to do some multitasking), close your eyes, relax your shoulders, take a deep breath and then (internally) ask yourself—"Am I happy?" If your answer is "yes", why? If your answer is "no", still why?
I'm willing to bet that no matter what your response is it, it has something to do with what is currently going on in your life. You love or hate your job. You are in a good or bad relationship. You do or don't have a nice amount of money in your bank account. You know what?
The one thing that all of these scenarios have in common is they are circumstantial.
Is that a bad thing? Kinda. On one hand, it's totally human to allow our circumstances to dictate our emotions. However, do you know what else living that way is? Dangerous. "Dangerous" in the sense of being emotionally hazardous and unsafe.
Why do I say that? Because when we let what is happening outside of us dictate how we feel within, that can result in us being some pretty emotionally unstable creatures. I don't mean the kind of women who should low-key end up on Snapped.
I'm referring to the kind of emotional instability that is so prevalent, it tends to go undetected far more than it should.
Severe mood swings? They are an indication of emotional instability. Going from 0-10 without real rhyme, reason or warning? That is an indication of emotional instability. Always being mad intense and controlling in relationships? That is another indication of emotional instability. So is not knowing how to deal well in stressful situations, doing everything in extremes and having knee-jerk reactions to stuff, more times than not.
There are two things that virtually all of these examples have in common with one another. One, they are usually the result of a culmination of issues that haven't been properly dealt with and two, they typically happen as the result of allowing our circumstances to control our feelings.
I know. A lot of us are so used to being slaves to our emotions that it seems impossible to imagine being able to decide how we feel despite what is happening in our lives. But, believe it or not, we are able to do just that. I say that because, what a lot of us overlook is that our feelings are kind of like the electronic thermometer in our house.
Emotions exist in order to make us aware of something or someone so that and we can then make the necessary adjustments to restore peace and balance in our lives.
Here's an example.
If one of your friends said something slick about you and you become irritated about it, that emotion is probably letting you know that you feel like some type of disloyalty has transpired. That very well may be true, but that doesn't mean that you should call her house, yelling and cussing. You can control whether or not you do that. Meanwhile, being irritated can also result in you taking the weekend to process what happened, shoot her a text to see if the two of you can meet up for coffee and then ask her to share what went down from her perspective. See what I mean?
Just because you felt a certain way that doesn't mean you had to react within that feeling. You have a choice. You always do.
Along these same lines, you can also choose to feel a certain way even if what is happening around you isn't exactly lining up with that emotion; you can "adjust the thermostat" so to speak. A good example of this is, contrary to popular reaction, you can choose to feel happy. Although a lot of us only think that we should feel glad or joyful when something is going the way that we want it to, there is another form of happiness that constantly gets overlooked. To be happy is also to be content, to be content is to be satisfied and to be satisfied is to choose to be cool with what you currently have—and don't have.
It’s about not letting your circumstances take power over you.
Here's how this works.
Say there's a promotion you really wanted that you interviewed twice for, but right when you thought you had it in the bag, someone from outside of the office was hired. The emotion that immediately comes to you is disappointment. That's both understandable and fair. But that doesn't mean you have to be unhappy. You can still have a form of contentment in the sense that you've still got a job, bills are still getting paid and since this particular gig wasn't meant for you, something better must be up the road. You can be happy about having the time and space to go after something with even greater personal potential (and pay). See what I mean? The circumstances sucked. You could still feel happy within them, though.
Even though I presented you with a hypothetical situation, I can personally attest to the fact that once I really started to focus on happiness being something I could determine I wanted to be, regardless of what was going on around me, my world totally changed for the better. It feels really good—indescribable even—to be in the kind of head and heart space where I realize that although my feelings can alert me to what's up, they don't have to run (or ruin) my life. I don't have to get on the peaks-and-valleys-roller-coaster-ride that my emotions try to put (and keep) me on.
I can remain in a space of total contentment (i.e., peace) because I choose to be NOT because of what's going on around me.
Girl, when you get to that point and place? The stability is truly life-altering! And the amount of things that you're able to accomplish from a place of stability? The sky truly is the limit!
Am I saying there is something wrong with being unhappy? I don't really think that any feeling is "wrong". However, what I am saying is if you think you have to succumb to that emotion simply because of your circumstances, that is simply not true. Your happiness and your circumstances are not soulmates; they can exist totally separate from one another.
All you have to do is choose for them to. It really is as simple—and self-empowering—as that.
Featured image by Getty Images
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Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
How This New Bond Repair Line Transformed One Mother's Postpartum Shedding Into The Ultimate Curl Comeback
This article is in partnership with SheaMoisture
For Crystal Obasanya, her wash day woes came shortly after her son did. The beauty and lifestyle content creator had been natural for years, but during postpartum, she quickly learned about one reality many mothers can relate to experiencing: postpartum hair loss. “Sis had thinning hair. Sis had split ends,” she shared about her hair changes in a Reel via xoNecole.
Over a year into her postpartum journey, Crystal explained she also had dry, brittle hair, noting that keeping it hydrated before pregnancy had already been “a task.” The 4C natural recalled going from thick hair during pregnancy to a thin hairline due to postpartum shedding as “devastating.” When it came to strengthening and revitalizing her hair, the new SheaMoisture Bond Repair Collection was just the thing she needed to elevate her damaged coils to revive and thrive status and get them poppin' again.
SheaMoisture is providing us with the cheat code for transforming dry and damaged strands into thriving and deeply nourished crowns. By unveiling their 4-step hair system, the SheaMoisture Bond Repair Collection is equipping you with the tools to reverse signs of hair damage caused by protective styling, heat, and color and is uniquely formulated for Type 3 and 4 hair textures.
The haircare system revives damaged natural hair by repairing and rebuilding broken hair bonds through a game-changing combination of HydroPlex Technology and AminoBlend Complex, a unique blend of fortifying amino acids formulated specifically for curly and coily hair. Scientifically proven to reduce breakage by 84% and make your hair six times stronger (vs. non-conditioning shampoo), the collection infuses your hair with the nourishment it craves and the strength it deserves.
All five products of the SheaMoisture Bond Collection are infused with natural strengthening ingredients like Amla Oil and fair-trade shea butter. The collection consists of the 4-step breakage-fighting Bond Repair system, as well as the Bonding Oil.
“When trying it out, I quickly noticed that my hair felt revived and renewed, and my curls were so hydrated,” Crystal said while using the Amla-infused Bond Repair Leave-In Conditioner. “I also felt my hair strands were stronger.” So much so that the influencer felt brave enough to get her hair braided shortly thereafter. “I can definitely say that I will be keeping it in my hair wash routine,” she added in the caption of her Reel about her positive experience using the products.
SheaMoisture Bond Repair Collection is making bond-building a key player in your wash day routines and the purveyor of life for thirsty manes. Because who doesn't want stronger, shinier, happier hair?
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Rejuvenate your hair with SheaMoisture Bond Repair Shampoo, your go-to solution for luscious locks. Packed with hella hydration power, this shampoo adds moisture by 60% while removing buildup without stripping your strands. This shampoo gently cleanses impurities while significantly enhancing shine, smoothness, and softness.
The Bond Repair Collection Shampoo is the first step in the 4-step Bond Repair system, all of which are powered by the uniquely formulated AminoBlend, and HydroPlex, SheaMoisture’s technology that rebuilds hair strength at its core.
Step Two: Bond Repair Collection Conditioner
Tailored to repair styling damage, this creamy conditioner locks in 12x more moisture than standard non-conditioning shampoos, boosting damaged hair strength by 1.5x with significantly less breakage. The creamy SheaMoisture Bond Repair Collection Conditioner deeply hydrates, enhances manageability, and leaves your hair looking healthier and shinier.
Step Three: Bond Repair Collection Masque
This Ultra Moisturizing reparative masque is a moisture-rich game-changer for those dealing with the aftermath of hair damage caused by styling. The SheaMoisture Bond Repair Collection Masque delivers 13 times more moisture compared to non-conditioning shampoos, ensuring your hair feels nourished and soft. Designed to repair and rejuvenate, this masque significantly strengthens damaged hair — making it twice as strong while reducing breakage.
Step Four: Bond Repair Collection Leave-In Conditioner
Elevate your curl game with SheaMoisture’s Bond Repair Collection Leave-In Conditioner. Lightweight and hydrating, the Bond Repair Leave-In Conditioner provides 12x more moisture than non-conditioning shampoos and tames frizz with 24-hour humidity control. Designed to define curls and coils, the leave-in conditioner enhances softness and shine allowing you to detangle effortlessly.
Bonding Oil
The SheaMoisture Bond Repair Collection Bonding Oil is a multitasking all-in-one formula that acts as a heat protectant and provides the hair with moisture, strength, shine, damage protection, and intense nourishment. This lightweight oil not only offers 24-hour frizz and humidity control but also fortifies your tresses, making them up to 5 times stronger with significantly less breakage.
Featured image courtesy
In today’s economy, we’re always looking for ways to stretch every dollar. However, the allure of new gadgets, trendy clothes, and the latest dining spots can often lead to impulsive spending. An iced latte here and an Uber Eats delivery there, topped off by a spontaneous online order can add up over time.
For those seeking to curb frivolous expenses and adopt a more mindful approach to their finances, participating in a no-spend month could be the solution to gaining control over their spending.
What is the No-Spend Challenge?
The no-spend challenge is a personal finance exercise where individuals commit to not spending money on non-essential items for a specific period. This could mean cutting off a subscription service, limiting your nights out for drinks, pulling back on online shopping, and holding off on big, spontaneous purchases to see how much you’d save over the month. The challenge encourages participants to evaluate their spending habits, identify areas of unnecessary expenditure, and redirect their financial focus toward savings and debt reduction.
This spending requires one to differentiate between needs and wants, with the base necessities being food, transportation, housing, essential bills, and medical/mental health expenses.
Preparing for a No-Spend Challenge
When embarking on a no-spend month, proper preparation is key to ensure you make the most out of the experience.
Financial expert and founder of The Frugal Feminista, Kara Stephens, says that having a compelling “why” can serve as a motivator to endure the ups and downs of the challenge, especially if it's your first time. “Have a clear idea of what your goals and outcomes are for the challenge. Do you want to be grateful for what you have? Do you want to save a certain amount of money?” she tells xoNecole. “Know what's going to be your ‘after-no-spend challenge' sustainability plan because we're hoping that your habits and your perspective on spending are changing and that you find a way to make that a part of your life after the challenge.”
One of the initial catalysts for the recent popularity of the no-spend challenge is to combat “revenge spending.” This spending habit, triggered by the “life is short” reality of the pandemic, has caused many of us to want to make up for lost time or missed experiences, which can lead to reckless financial decisions and jeopardize future stability.
Because of this, Stephen advises us to reframe our thinking around revenge spending to avoid putting our financial future at risk.
“Try and shift your perspective on revenge spending and say, yes, I want to live my best life, but how can I spend it responsibly?” she says. “How can I revenge spend on a budget? How can I remove the idea of revenge spending from my lexicon and just live well and plan systematically so it doesn't take away from my future financial goals?”
Benefits of A No-Spend Month
Taking part in a no-spend month has a number of benefits, one of which is the self-awareness and gratitude you gain by cutting out non-essential purchases. “You’re more financially self-aware because you're only thinking about what you deem as essentials,” Stephens says. “It can also make you more resourceful because you have to use what you have in your home, rather than going out and shopping.”
Those who take part in the challenge often find they become more intentional with their purchases, distinguishing between what they truly need and what they can do without. The money saved over this course of time can then be redirected towards paying off debt, building an emergency fund, or being put into a sinking fund.
Due to the rigid nature of the challenge, Stephens says that it’s important to have a sustainable framework to follow the no-spend challenge to avoid reverting to old habits. “It can be like "yo-yo dieting,” she explains. “If you were very strict for a certain period, but didn’t create any type of habit or change of mind to continue with it, you could resort back to revenge spending, ironically.”
Things to Keep In Mind
While it may seem like just another financial trend, taking part in a no-spend month can provide precious data about not just how much money you spend but also your mindset and relationship around money. You can observe how your feelings about money change and highlight areas of improvement. Alternatively, you can even start a sinking fund that allows you to put money aside for large purchases or personal experiences.
Ultimately, it’s not that spending money is bad, it’s about how you approach spending in a responsible way that ensures your financial security and success in the long run.
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Featured image by Evgeniia Siiankovskaia/Getty Images