It's the struggle that every single woman over the age of 25 has gone through, at one point or another: the inevitable soft curve of the nice guy in favor of the bad boy. It's not that women are crazy, in fact, there's scientific evidence to support why women are biologically attracted to fuckboys.
Why Do I Keep Attracting Fuckboys?
But before we get all scientific, I want to get clear on the word fuckboy. If you've ever encountered one in real life, I'm sure you have concluded what that word means to you, but for those who have not, allow me to give you a brief description.
What Is a Fuckboy & Why Do I Keep Attracting Them?
Urban Dictionary has many definitions of the word, but let's sum it up with the all-encompassing description of "a boy who plays with a girl's feelings and doesn't really like them but would do or say anything a girl wants to hear to have sex with them or to get something they want." I will also introduce three categories of fuckboys: the Narcissist, the Machiavellian, and the Psychopath, which make up a sector known as The Dark Triad.
I can point to a number of reasons for an attraction to this type of guy. For starters, there's the perceived thrill of the chase or the potential risk of dating a "forbidden fruit" which also seems thrilling. It's like when we want something we know we shouldn't want, it makes us want it even more. Nonetheless, for the intent of this article, I want to stick to the facts, the scientific proof, in order to answer the age-old question: why do we find people that we know are bad for us so damn attractive? The answer lies in a number of scientific studies:
Women are drawn toward men who possess desirable traits to pass on to their offspring.
If you've ever heard of the phrase "alpha male," it dates back to evolutionary theories of mate selection in which individuals observe the characteristics of a potential mate before engaging in a relationship. This idea supports the aptly named "good genes theory" which hypothesizes women as more likely to choose a mate with strong qualities, such as physical fitness, because they are more likely to increase the reproductive success of her offspring.
Hormonal changes cause women to be attracted to certain types of men, especially "bad boys."
Specifically, during certain times of a woman's cycle, typically when she is ovulating, she's more likely to be drawn to sexually attractive qualities, such as specific facial features and dominant behaviors, according to a 2012 study by Kristina Durante. There is, however, research to the contrary, thank the Lord. Martie Haselton, Ph.D, describes in her book that outside of ovulation, women are better judges of character and may opt for a man who's more responsible, nurturing, and attentive to her needs. However, the temptation to satisfy our cravings still exists...and when given the options of a slice of cheese and a slice of cheese pizza, we tend to choose the one that will best satisfy our appetites.
The Thrill of the Chase
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This metaphor refers to what psychologists and communication theorists call attachment theory. Attachment theory seeks to explain the link between behaviors in child-parent relationships and adult romantic relationships. While there are four "attachment styles," the anxious-avoidant combination best describes some women's attraction to bad boys. In these instances, the avoidant personality type sends mixed signals to their (anxious) partner. For example, he takes hours, even days, to respond to your text messages, even if it's something as simple as "Wyd".
Or, he enjoys spending time with you, as long as it's late at night and inside the house, but never out in public. Each time you engage in an interaction with him, your "attachment system" is activated and you are only comforted when your lover employs a mediocre act of affection to assure you that he cares and re-establishes your trust. However, this exercise is the equivalent of putting a band-aid on a war wound as this is only a quick fix. Over time, you become fixated on the burst of emotions associated with your partner's run-of-the-mill actions. Meanwhile, your brain equates these anxiety-induced feelings with chemistry, passion and love.
The Dark Triad of Personality: The Narcissist, the Machiavellian & the Psychopathic
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I'm sure you've heard your fair share of narcissistic lovers, but have you heard of Machiavellianism and psychopathic traits? This charming cluster makes up what is known as the Dark Triad. In short, the Narcissist is known for their grandiose behavior, while Machiavellian personalities are considered to be master manipulators and psychopaths are characterized as being empathy-deficient.
Typically, individuals in this group prefer short-term flings rather than serious relationships, thus, their initial efforts to attract a mate may seem extremely attractive, as they'll pull out all the stops in the beginning. Additionally, and this may not even be fair, research maintains that individuals who possess dark triad personality traits also possess physical features that make them more attractive.
1. Narcissists
Most narcissists can be spotted by behavioral features such as grandiosity, a need for admiration and an inflated self-image. According to Dr. Gregory Carter, a psychologist who specializes in Narcissistic personality disorders, narcissists, in particular exhibit charisma, charm and tend to be well-dressed. Moreover, these individuals indulge in efforts to make themselves more appealing, using these strengths to the object of their affection's weaknesses. The good news is that our attraction to people with dark triad characteristics is often short-lived once the nature of their true identity is revealed.
2. Machiavellianism
In regards to attachment styles, the Machiavellian scores high on the dismissive-avoidant scale. Studies have revealed these individuals as skilled liars, egocentric lovers and very successful in manipulative behaviors. As far as romantic relationships go, these individuals score low in emotional attachments, thus making it hard for them to invest in their partners.
3. Psychopaths
OK, moment of transparency, here. In my mind, whenever I thought of the word "psychopath", I heard full-on background music from The Twilight Zone, but that's far from the reality of what it means to be diagnosed as a psychopath. While I am not a medical doctor or licensed to diagnose or treat anyone with a mental or medical illness, I hold a Master's degree in Applied Communication and my educational pursuits have led me to research characteristics of these individuals at great length. And what I can tell you is that people on this spectrum lack the ability to care about others. They react favorably to high impulses, being in control and are thrill-seekers, according to studies I've read. This can be equated to risky behavior when it comes to "dating and mating", as these individuals often behave erratically in sexual matters.
The Reason You're Attracting Fuckboys & Why You're Attracted to Them
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The irony in dating a bad boy is the perception that he'll be strong enough to keep us safe. We've seen this idea of the "tough guy" in movies or adopted this fantasy from our favorite music artists and we hope it will apply to us. The sad reality is that these men aren't equipped to protect us because they are the ones causing us harm. Perhaps the most damning reason for our flawed attraction to f*ckboys is that our picker needs a tuneup. Say what now?
Hear me out…
I'm suggesting you may be more interested in a project than a partner. If I'm correct, then this would explain why we continue to carry on with men when we know they are bad for us...even when we know how it's going to end, we still hold out hope.
Sometimes, even when we see the bright red flags, we proceed, granted with caution, down a dangerous road in hopes that it will be a smooth ride. I once saw a meme that said, "She was the type of woman that makes an unprepared man ask God to prepare him", and I think that's an unrealistic idea to begin with.
At the same time, I believe that some women secretly hold on to this notion. When dating these emotionally unavailable men, we realize that the odds are against us, but we feel like if we can get them to commit, it feels rewarding to us. Moreover, if we can get them to change their f*ckboys ways, it in some way validates the power of our womanhood. The tragic end to this idea is how it substantiates our worst fears when he doesn't choose us and we end up feeling like we are not enough.
How to Break the Cycle of Attracting Fuckboys
Learning to curb this attraction is going to take time. Remember when I mentioned that your attachment system becomes activated by the drama of going back and forth with your lover? This happens over the course of weeks, months and in some cases, years, so don't expect your desires to disappear overnight. One of the first things you'll need to do is recognize when your attachment triggers are at play. Get clear about what it is you're feeling. Oftentimes, we get so accustomed to dysfunction in relationships that it seems normal. It's not. And might I interject that we should NOT normalize this behavior.
In the same way that certain activities activate your attachment system, there are also deactivating strategies that can help turn your attention away from a person. Instead of focusing on how good the sex is, replace those thoughts with how bad the communication is. When you're tempted to meet up for a "Netflix & Chill" session, remember how bad you felt the last time they ghosted you for days after you hooked up. Learn to employ these strategies so that you can outgrow your attraction to boys and finally get a man.
Be advised, the same way you're learning to break the cycle of this relationship, the f*ckboy is also taking notes, learning which strategies are most effective to lure you back in and continue with his f*ckboy behavior, so stay woke.
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It Girl 100 became xoNecole’s most successful program, with the hashtag organically reaching more than forty million impressions on Instagram in just twenty-four hours. Yes, it caught on like wildfire because we celebrated some of the most brilliant and influential GenZennial women of color setting trends and shaping culture. But more than that, it resonated because the women we celebrated felt seen.
Many were already known in their industries for keeping this generation fly and lit, but rarely received recognition or flowers. It Girl 100 became a safe space to be uplifted, and for us as Black women to bask in what felt like an era of our brilliance, beauty, and boundless influence on full display.
And then, almost overnight, it was as if the rug was pulled from under us as Black women, as the It Girls of the world.
Our much-needed, much-deserved season of ease and soft living quickly metamorphosed into a time of self-preservation and survival. Our motion and economic progression seemed strategically slowed, our light under siege.
The air feels heavier now. The headlines colder. Our Black girl magic is being picked apart and politicized for simply existing.
With that climate shift, as we prepare to launch our second annual It Girl 100 honoree list, our team has had to dig deep on the purpose and intention behind this year’s list. Knowing the spirit of It Girl 100 is about motion, sauce, strides, and progression, how do we celebrate amid uncertainty and collective grief when the juice feels like it is being squeezed out of us?
As we wrestled with that question, we were reminded that this tension isn’t new. Black women have always had to find joy in the midst of struggle, to create light even in the darkest corners. We have carried the weight of scrutiny for generations, expected to be strong, to serve, to smile through the sting. But this moment feels different. It feels deeply personal.
We are living at the intersection of liberation and backlash. We are learning to take off our capes, to say no when we are tired, to embrace softness without apology.
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In lifestyle, women like Kayla Nicole and Ayesha Curry have been ridiculed for daring to choose themselves. Tracee Ellis Ross was labeled bitter for speaking her truth about love. Meghan Markle, still, cannot breathe without critique.
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Even our icons, Beyoncé, Serena, and SZA, have faced criticism simply for evolving beyond the boxes society tried to keep them in.
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And yet, somehow, through it all, we are still showing up as that girl, and that deserves to be celebrated.
Because while the world debates our worth, we keep raising our value. And that proof is all around us.
This year alone, Naomi Osaka returned from motherhood and mental health challenges to reach the semifinals of the US Open. A’ja Wilson claimed another MVP, reminding us that beauty and dominance can coexist. Brandy and Monica are snatching our edges on tour. Kahlana Barfield Brown sold out her new line in the face of a retailer that had been canceled. And Melissa Butler’s company, The Lip Bar, is projecting a forty percent surge in sales.
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Since we all spend roughly one-third of our lives sleeping, and a good portion of that is while we are in a dream state, let’s take a moment to explore some fascinating (and proven) facts about the topic of dreaming.
It just might cause you to think more (or differently) about how you rest and when you rest — so that the quality of your dreams can become better than ever.
1. Men and Women Dream Pretty Differently
GiphyA quote that I like and use often is, “If two people were exactly alike, one of them would be unnecessary.” (Larry Dixon) And yes, men and women are created differently in order to balance one another — and I will forever die on that hill. Which is why it doesn’t surprise me in the least that, even when it comes to dreaming, males and females are not exactly the same.
Although research does indicate that dreaming, in part, is about how we process memories while we sleep regardless of our gender, men’s dreams tend to be more about action while women’s dreams are more about conversation. Not only that but women’s dreams are typically longer; men dream about other men more than women do (interesting), and women dream more from their own perspective while men daydream more with the topic usually being about sex.
2. Lucid Dreaming Is a Method to “Control” Your Dreams
GiphyIf it feels like you are aware of the fact that you are dreaming as you are doing so, pardon the pun, but it’s not all in your head. What this is called is lucid dreaming and, the fascinating thing about it is, to a certain extent, you can actually control these types of dreams whenever you have them. If the mere thought of this fascinates you and you want to try and “rig up” some of your dreams (LOL) — some sleep experts say that doing things like keeping a dream diary and a sleep schedule can help to make this happen. Anyway, you can read more about lucid dreaming here.
3. Dreams Typically Have a Short Shelf Life
GiphyAlthough it’s been reported that people tend to spend somewhere around two hours of their night dreaming, the thing to keep in mind is most individuals have multiple dreams during that period of time — and for this reason, oftentimes dreams last for no longer than 5-10 minutes tops (although some have the ability to last considerably longer. You can read more about that here and here).
4. Dreams Happen When You Are in REM Sleep (You’re “Paralyzed” Then Too)
GiphyWhen it comes to sleeping, it actually happens in four different stages. While you can read more about those here, as far as your dream state is concerned, most of that tends to happen during your rapid eye movement cycle which is better known as REM. It is when you are in your final stage of sleep which is why your dreams typically are the most intense during that time.
Know what else is wild about dreaming during REM? Although you don’t realize it, your body is actually paralyzed. And although, initially, that might sound low-key terrifying, it’s actually a blessing in disguise because your brain is telling your muscles to stop working (temporarily) and that is what ultimately keeps you from acting out whatever you are dreaming about. The more you know.
5. Certain Sex Dreams Have NOTHING to Do with Sex At All
GiphySex-themed dreams are very normal and quite common. Thing is, although the dreams may be about sex, oftentimes what they are interpreting is something entirely different. For instance, a BDSM dream is oftentimes about having a controlling parent, while a sex dream that involves a lot of dirty talk could represent someone who wants to free themselves from how others perceive them, and recurring sex dreams about your ex typically means that there are some unresolved issues that you may have with them.
Oh, and while we’re on this topic, dreams about cheating usually means that you are feeling some sort of jealousy in your relationship while sex with a boss usually means that you want to move up in your job or be appreciated more often — not that you want them in a sensual type of way.
6. You Can’t Read or Tell Time in Your Dreams
GiphyHere’s something that you’ve probably never thought about before — when you think back on the dreams that you can remember (more on that in a bit), how many of them do you recall reading or even telling time in? If you said “a few,” science would probably give you the side-eye because, according to their research, reading (and telling time) is virtually impossible to do whenever you are in your dream state.
The reason why is because, while you are dreaming, the logical and intellectual part of your brain pretty much shuts down. If that bothers you, the easiest way to try to read (or tell time) would be to train your mind to do some of the lucid dreaming that we already talked about.
7. Your Recurring Dreams Typically Mean You Need to Address Something
GiphyOut of all of the things that I’ve mentioned about dreams, this is probably the most obvious revelation — if you are having a recurring dream, it tends to mean that either you have some unresolved issues in your life or there is a need that needs to be met that hasn’t been yet. While doing a bit of research on this one specifically, I thought it was interesting that many mental health experts say that some of the most common recurring dreams involve flying, falling, encountering a dead individual, your teeth falling out or being nude.
And what are some ways to “end” recurring dreams? See a therapist. State what your needs actually are (to the person who is not meeting them). Lower your stress levels. Get more consistent rest. Speak with your doctor about altering your medications (if you happen to be on some). To that last point, a not-so-fun fact: melatonin usage is sometimes attached to nightmares. Goodness.
8. Foods You Consume Can Influence Your Dream State
GiphyThere are several reasons why you shouldn’t eat immediately before turning in at night; one reason is because it has the ability to mess with your body’s natural circadian rhythm which is your system’s 24-hour clock. This is relevant when it comes to sleep because your circadian rhythm helps to control things like your sleeping pattern.
Another thing to take note of is to not only push the plate back 2-3 hours before going to bed but to watch what you do choose to consume as well. That’s because, believe it or not, certain foods do have an impact on your dream life. Like did you know that dairy can cause digestive issues that can lead to microaggressions that can give you very strange dreams?
Or were you aware that sugary foods can trigger your nervous system and make your dreams more vivid and intense? Interestingly enough, dairy, sweets and also spicy foods can also increase your chances of having a nightmare. Hey, don’t shoot the messenger, chile.
9. Is It True That Some People Don’t Dream at All?
GiphyI don’t know about y’all, but when I was growing up, I used to hear that if you don’t dream, you’re crazy. The actual fact is that, although most people absolutely do dream, the reason why they don’t remember them (or they dream less than other people) is because they don’t fall into REM sleep as much or often as they should.
And what are some of the main reasons for why this would happen? Sleep disorders, depression and medications that treat anxiety are all things that top the list. So, if not dreaming is something that bothers you, speak with your doctor and consider seeing a sleep specialist. An underlying issue could be the cause.
10. Not Only Scary Movies Lead to Nightmares
GiphyWhile reading a Harvard-based article entitled, “Nightmares and the Brain,” I thought it was interesting that it separated nightmares from night terrors (nightmares can be remembered; night terrors cannot although people do wake up screaming or frightened), that night terrors mostly happen to children and “Night terrors are not technically dreams but are instead sudden fearful reactions that occur during transitions from one sleep phase to another.”
Okay, but clearly people have actual nightmares (1 in 20 people say that they do at least once a week); however, guess what the source of a lot of them are? While sometimes it’s a horror film, oftentimes it’s stress, anxiety or simply sleep deprivation. Honestly, I might have a nightmare a couple of times a year, tops (and I remember my dreams on a daily basis). So, if that’s a sign that I’m managing stress well — happy to hear it!
____
Welp, there you have it: 10 facts about dreams. Now that you know them, does it make you want to approach sleeping — and dreaming — in a different way? If so, hop in the comments and tell us why. Because, clearly, dreaming is more than just a notion. Amazing.
Sweet dreams to all, y’all.
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