You know that feeling you get when you anxiously wait by the phone for days after an amazing first date or the rollercoaster of emotions you go through when your lover didn’t text you “right back?” What if I told you that you’re not completely cuckoo and how you respond in situations like these can be traced back to your childhood? When someone you're interested in doesn’t show up or communicate consistently, it can be triggering AF. We begin to play out all types of scenarios in our heads. These feelings of abandonment can be linked back to our relationship with our parents in our formative years. I present to you: attachment styles.
Attachment styles are characterized by different ways of interacting and behaving in relationships. During early childhood, attachment styles are developed based on how children and parents interact. Many psychologists believe that our adult personalities are unconsciously planted in our childhood experiences. The way we relate to others is believed to have been established in our very first relationships—typically with our parents. Our attachment style is thought to be based on how well our parents met our emotional needs in early life, as a result, we developed social coping habits that determine our interactions. The concept of attachment styles emerged throughout the 1960s and 1970s from the work of John Bowlby, who studied infant responses to their mothers’ leaving and babies’ reactions upon return. The theory suggests that the emotional bonds between mothers and infants influence emotional bonds in adult intimate relationships.
In adulthood, attachment styles are used to describe patterns of attachment in romantic relationships. Understanding the push and pull of the dating world is made a million times easier once we understand how we relate or "attach" to others. Attachment styles can be a useful tool in helping us understand why we feel and act the way we do in relationships. There are four attachment styles (secure, anxious, avoidant, and fearful-avoidant/disorganized) that predict how we show up in relationships.
Understanding our attachment styles can also be extremely beneficial in predicting how we show up in our sex lives as well.
Individuals with the anxious attachment style are fear driven. They are the ones who worry about their partner leaving, falling out of love, or finding someone “better.” They also tend to seek approval and make decisions based on making the other person happy as a perceived way of keeping them from leaving. Anxious types usually have lower self-esteem and carry a fear of abandonment with them into many of their relationships. This low self-esteem often translates to the bedroom as well.
Anxious types often overthink their partner’s actions and sometimes get caught in obsessive thoughts, so sex can actually be overwhelming for them. Even though anxious types crave intimacy and fear abandonment, they often struggle to actually reach true intimacy because they rarely show their authentic selves. They are so preoccupied with trying to please the other person that they struggle to let who they are shine through. These individuals are also more at risk for STIs, sexual assault, romantic obsession, and compromises in their sexuality, such as allowing people to cross previously set boundaries, or not being clear about their need for self-protection.
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Unlike those with anxious attachment, avoidant types have higher self-esteem and don’t look for outward approval, but have difficulty trusting people or asking for help. Avoidant attachment folks are uncomfortable with opening up out of fear of becoming emotionally close to people, especially romantic partners. They avoid intimacy and therefore tend to pull away from people who want to be intimate with them. Because the avoidant type finds intimacy uncomfortable, they are great at compartmentalizing sex as something that is purely physical.
Avoidant attachment individuals also use sex as a way of avoiding conflict or emotional conversation within a relationship. One study found this attachment style to have poor communication when it comes to discussing sex with a partner. Having conversations about sex requires a level of vulnerability and emotional intimacy and they avoid that at all costs. Avoidant attachment types are less interested in long-term relationships and may act impulsively when it comes to sex. They are more likely to seek casual sex out of fear of intimacy.
Fearful-avoidant, or disorganized, attachment is the combination of anxious and avoidant attachments so they basically have a hard time trusting partners and operate out of fear in their relationships. Similarly to anxious attachment, fearful-avoidant types long for intimacy but fear it. They fear abandonment and rejection from their partners, but their fear causes them to sometimes pull away or close themselves off. When it comes to sex, this group struggles with low self-esteem and sometimes doesn’t feel they’re deserving of love and intimacy. This can lead to a back and forth of wanting to keep a partner from abandoning them, but then pushing them away if they ask for intimacy because of the belief they aren’t deserving of it.
They often look to sex to meet their needs of feeling loved, but they may seek out sex that lacks emotional intimacy as a way of avoiding it. This type longs for sex within the context of a long-term relationship, but their negative beliefs of themselves often keep them from pursuing this. Individuals are less likely to connect on an intimate level. They may steer clear of demonstrating affection or responding to a partner’s needs. Sex, therefore, is more of a transactional experience, removed of its emotional intimacy, and serving personal needs such as stress relief.
People with secure attachment have the healthiest levels of trust within relationships and find peace in being intimate with those they trust. They often have high levels of self-esteem and a high sense of self-worth. They can appreciate affirmations and assurance from their partners, but they don’t feel the need to use this validation as the foundation for how they feel about themselves.
When it comes to sex, securely attached people feel comfortable in who they are and can enjoy sex in the present moment. They don’t find their minds becoming as preoccupied with trying to keep their partner interested, and they feel as though they can pursue intimacy comfortably. Whether they’re engaging in sex in a committed relationship or casually, secure types feel a strong sense of who they are that allows them to fully enjoy the moment and communicate with themselves and those they have sex with.
It’s easy for people with secure attachment to obtain intimacy. They can respond to a partner’s sexual preferences without compromising on their own needs and desires. They often have a confident approach to sexuality, allowing for exploration and play that fosters longevity in a relationship. Their secure sense of self allows them to express their emotions with others and facilitates emotional bonding.
How to Develop a Secure Attachment Style as an Adult
Not everyone is secure with themselves or in the bedroom, but that doesn’t mean you can’t develop a secure attachment over time. Even if you didn't have an upbringing that fostered a secure attachment style and you have an anxious or avoidant attachment style, it's still possible to develop a secure one as an adult. Access your current attachment style and its effects on your current relationships and develop emotional awareness of how you feel about yourself.
The first step to having a secure attachment style is to actively work on the relationship you have with yourself. Work on healing from past traumas or negative experiences in therapy. Therapy can assist with helping to purge toxic relationships and build healthy habits that will give you the necessary tools to help you be more secure in relationships.
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This article is in partnership with Sensodyne.
Our teeth are connected to so many things - our nutrition, our confidence, and our overall mood. We often take for granted how important healthy teeth are, until issues like tooth sensitivity or gum recession come to remind us. Like most things related to our bodies, prevention is the best medicine. Here are five things you can do immediately to improve your oral hygiene, prevent tooth sensitivity, and avoid dental issues down the road.
1) Go Easy On the Rough Brushing: Brushing your teeth is and always will be priority number one in the oral hygiene department. No surprises there! However, there is such a thing as applying too much pressure when brushing…and that can lead to problems over time. Use a toothbrush with soft bristles and brush in smooth, circular motions. It may seem counterintuitive, but a gentle approach to brushing is the most effective way to clean those pearly whites without wearing away enamel and exposing sensitive areas of the teeth.
2) Use A Desensitizing Toothpaste: As everyone knows, mouth pain can be highly uncomfortable; but tooth sensitivity is a whole different beast. Hot weather favorites like ice cream and popsicles have the ability to trigger tooth sensitivity, which might make you want to stay away from icy foods altogether. But as always, prevention is the best medicine here. Switching to a toothpaste like Sensodyne’s Sensitivity & Gum toothpaste specifically designed for sensitive teeth will help build a protective layer over sensitive areas of the tooth. Over time, those sharp sensations that occur with extremely cold foods will subside, and you’ll be back to treating yourself to your icy faves like this one!
3) Floss, Rinse, Brush. (And In That Order!): Have you ever heard the saying, “It’s not what you do, but how you do it”? Well, the same thing applies to taking care of your teeth. Even if you are flossing and brushing religiously, you could be missing out on some of the benefits simply because you aren’t doing so in the right order. Flossing is best to do before brushing because it removes food particles and plaque from places your toothbrush can’t reach. After a proper flossing sesh, it is important to rinse out your mouth with water after. Finally, you can whip out your toothbrush and get to brushing. Though many of us commonly rinse with water after brushing to remove excess toothpaste, it may not be the best thing for our teeth. That’s because fluoride, the active ingredient in toothpaste that protects your enamel, works best when it gets to sit on the teeth and continue working its magic. Rinsing with water after brushing doesn’t let the toothpaste go to work like it really can. Changing up your order may take some getting used to, but over time, you’ll see the difference.
4) Stay Hydrated: Upping your water supply is a no-fail way to level up your health overall, and your teeth are no exception to this rule. Drinking water not only helps maintain a healthy pH balance in your mouth, but it also washes away residue and acids that can cause enamel erosion. It also helps you steer clear of dry mouth, which is a gateway to bad breath. And who needs that?
5) Show Your Gums Some Love: When it comes to improving your smile, you may be laser-focused on getting your teeth whiter, straighter, and overall healthier. Rightfully so, as these are all attributes of a megawatt smile; but you certainly don’t want to leave gum health out of the equation. If you neglect your gums, you’ll start to notice the effects of plaque buildup, which can irritate the gums and cause gingivitis, the earliest stage of gum disease. Seeing blood while brushing and flossing is a tell-tale sign that your gums are suffering. You may also experience gum recession — a condition where the gum tissue surrounding your teeth pulls back, exposing more of your tooth. Brushing at least twice a day with a gum-protecting toothpaste like Sensodyne Sensitivity and Gum, coupled with regular dentist visits, will keep your gums shining as bright as those pearly whites.
Imma tell y’all what — it seems like not one week goes by when I don’t see some sort of so-called term that has me like, “What in the world?” For instance, when I first stumbled upon “self-partnering,” honestly, I laughed. Then shared it with some other single people as well as married folks I know. And I kid you not, every individual was like, “What the heck does that mean?” When I told them that it was yet, one more way to seemingly define single living, basically everyone’s follow-up was, “Oh, brother.”
Why can’t (more) singles just be single and be okay with that? Good Lord. Why does there need to be some sort of relational play-on-words to make it sound like we’re with someone — even if we’re not?
Now masterdating? Even though it’s not even close to being a “real” word, it’s something that also brought a laugh outta me — although it was then followed by a genuine smile. The laugh because I almost immediately caught the play-on-words. The smile was due to the intention behind it all.
If you’re not familiar with what masterdating is and you’re curious about why you should even care, take a few moments to at least skim through what it’s about and why I think participating, as a single person, is a pretty cool (and effective) concept.
Masturdate: a date w oneself
What’s Masterdating All About?
Masterdating. Okay, so let the word marinate for just a moment. What does it sound like? Yeah…exactly. And since a huge part of masturbation centers around self-pleasure, it’s cool to explore how “self-dating” could produce similar (as far as pleasure is concerned in a broader sense) results. Because masterdating is all about spending quality time with yourself, pampering yourself, treating yourself— and yes, taking yourself out on dates.
Any of you who may think that masterdating is a consolation prize — and a pitiful one at that — for not being able to go out with another human being or get that dream $200 first date that social media was all in a tizzy about last year (bookmark that) — personally, I think that you’re the demographic who needs to try out masterdating first and the most. Why? Off top, I’ll share my three good reasons.
3 Reasons To Strongly Consider Masterdating
1. It’s an intimate way to get to know yourself better. I’ve been working with couples for a pretty long time at this point and if there’s a pattern that I see arise, OFTEN, it’s that two people are oftentimes so busy trying to “find their person” that they didn’t even know who they were. As a direct result, they found themselves in a relationship with someone who only complemented the “kiddie pool version” of who they were.
That’s why it can be so beneficial to spend time getting to know yourself on the “deep end” of things: what makes you tick, what your passions are, what you want most out of life, what are your interests beyond obvious things — and masterdating can help you to discover all of this. Whether it’s traveling alone or taking out a weekend to drink some wine and journal, the more you get to know yourself, the clearer you’ll be about who complements you on a romantic and friendship level.
2. It will definitely help to boost your confidence levels. I guess since I’m an ambivert, I don’t really get why people freak out at the mere thought of going to a restaurant or movie alone. Personally, I think it requires a helluva lot more energy and gumption to wait around and plan stuff with other people (#Elmoshrug). However, whether you’re an introvert, extrovert, or ambivert, there’s no way around the fact that the more comfortable you get with doing things alone, the more your confidence levels will increase — no, soar — because of it.
One article that I read on the topic said that doing things alone can make you more creative, improve your mental health, and help you to be totally okay with being alone (so that you’re not “needy” for other people’s attention). A psychotherapist from a New York Times article on the benefits of spending time alone said, “Getting better at identifying moments when we need solitude to recharge and reflect can help us better handle negative emotions and experiences, like stress and burnout.” And when you’re able to stare negativity in its face without flinching, how could that not make you bolder, more self-secure, and hopeful about your life?
3. It will teach you to value your time more effectively. In every facet of your world, you’re gonna operate from a healthier place if you’re operating from a “full cup” rather than an empty one. When it comes to this topic, think about it — if you’re constantly waiting on someone to call you to go out or wishing for a dream date with some guy, all you’re doing is wasting precious time that you could be spending taking a cooking class or hell, hiring a chef to make you dinner at your own home.
Indeed, waiting has two sides to it: when it’s in the form of patience, it is indeed a virtue, yet when it’s wrapped up in the notion that you’re not really living life unless you have an audience…it is totally working against you. Choose wisely.
10 Solo Date Ideas To Help You To “Master” Masterdating
So, what if you’re someone who has either never considered actually masterdating before or you don’t really know what to do beyond dinner and the movies? Here are a few ideas to consider:
1. Attend a workshop or masterclass that you’re interested in. If there’s something that you’ve always wanted to learn, sign up for a workshop or masterclass. The cool thing about this option is there are probably some in your city, as well as some that you can find online (like here) that are convenient and affordable.
2. Binge-read at a local coffee shop. Aside from their coziness and oftentimes inviting scents, I once read that a lot of us gravitate to coffee shops because we can be around people without having to actually socialize with them. So, if you want to “hang out” while still being able to enjoy a bit of solitude, take a book that you’ve been trying to finish to a local coffee shop, order your favorite latte, and sit in a big-ass comfy chair. Usually, you can sit there for hours, and the staff will be just fine with it (another bonus).
3. Have a spa day in the next town. You can never go wrong with a spa day. And while going with a friend can be fun, sometimes there’s too much talking transpiring to be able to fully chill out and relax. So, go off of the grid, get a change of scenery, and hit up a spa in the next city (or town). There are lots of studies out here supporting that day trips or “daycations” can actually be really good for your long-term health and well-being.
4. See a community play. Some of the best solo dates that I’ve ever been on consisted of taking in some of the local arts in my city. What’s really cool about this particular option is, oftentimes, they are extremely inexpensive, if not totally free of charge (in exchange for making a donation or putting money into a tip jar).
5. Plan a trip. Whenever people say something along the lines of, “If you don’t expect anything, you won’t be disappointed,” I know that they low-key have some (additional) healing to do from past disappointments. There’s simply too much intel out here to support that anticipation (of good stuff) makes us more motivated and optimistic, keeps our dopamine levels up, and makes life more exciting overall.
Since traveling alone is more cost-effective, gives you the freedom to do whatever you want (when you want), and increases the possibility of meeting new people and having new experiences on your journey — why not devote a day this weekend to planning a solo trip? All the way around, it’s good for you.
6. Try your hand at your own “$200 date.” Uh-huh. Roll your eyes if you want to, but it’s real easy to talk left about how a man should be able to just drop $200 like it’s nothing…until you actually try to do it. So yes, while taking yourself out on this type of date could serve as a bit of a reality check, it can also “scratch the itch” of waiting on some dude to do it for you. It’s also way less emotionally draining because, at least when you’re taking your own self out, it’s guaranteed that you’ll enjoy the company…right?
7. DIY some pampering. When you get a chance, check out “5 Reasons You Should Unapologetically Pamper Yourself,” “Want To Love On Yourself? Try These 10 Things At Home.,” “I’ve Got Some Ways For You To Start Pampering Your Soul,” and “When's The Last Time You Actually Pampered Your Vagina?” The bottom line here is pampering is all about, not mere self-maintenance; it’s all about treating yourself to levels of EXTREME SELF-INDULGENCE. So, if nothing else tickles your fancy on this list, at least consider doing that, chile.
8. Feed your creativity. Something that I used to be really good at is art. That said, one of my goddaughters is insanely talented, so she has reminded me to tap back into it. Also, a big part of what got me into the writing world is poetry; I actually used to be a house poet at a local spot. Sometimes, my best quality time moments with myself have been revisiting these creative sides of me — and this is definitely easier to do (and enjoy) alone.
9. Try some stargazing. When’s the last time you took a blanket into your backyard, laid down on it, and just stared at the stars for hours on end? While some say that stargazing can teach you to be mindful, others say that being in that form of nature reduces stress, while others believe that looking up at the universe at night can increase your attention span. All solid reasons to give it a shot, if you ask me.
10. DO. ABSOLUTELY. NOTHING. Let me tell you something that nobody will ever be able to make me feel bad about: doing absolutely nothing. I’ve got data to back me up. Good Housekeeping shares that doing nothing can help you decide how you want to respond or react to certain things. I like howThe Guardian says that taking this approach helps you to regain control of what you give your attention to.
TIME magazine says that it can ultimately make you more productive.BBC offers up that it can help you tap into your ingenuity.Henry Ford Health says that it can make you kinder and a better problem-solver. So, if you want to invest in yourself, do nothing sometimes.
Closing Thoughts from the Lovely Javicia Leslie
While some of y'all may know Javicia Leslie from being the former Batwoman, I discovered her back in the day from the indie series Chef Julian (and yes, "Julian" was right to say that "Mo" looks like Tatyana Ali...the real ones know). Sometimes I'll hop on her IG to see what she's got going on and this story popped up within a few hours of me penning this...so, I took it as hella confirmation.
TREAT YO SELF. WAIT FOR NO ONE.
WAIT FOR NO ONE. TREAT YO SELF.
RINSE AND REPEAT.
Sooo…what kind of masterdating plans do you have for this coming weekend? While going out with others has its perks, hanging out with yourself has a ton of ‘em too. Enjoy!
No…for real. ENJOY!
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