Sometimes the hardest part of life is feeling like you never get an answer to your prayers.
I used to feel this way when I first moved to Texas. I was living in a new state, and I didn't have many friends. Years before I moved, I used to pray every night that God would tell me if I was going in the right direction. I assumed that I didn't get a sign, so I grew frustrated, and stopped praying.
Then one day, I found myself working as a cashier at a grocery store out of necessity. I absolutely hated that job. I was grateful to have it, but it was a terrible place to work.
What I hated about the job were the people who made it feel like slow suffering. Several people tried to engage me in verbal disputes, or fistfights. One teenaged demon seed screamed “child abuse" after I asked him to stop joyriding in the grocery scooters for the handicapped. And more than anything, I hated watching several grown men allow their girlfriends to separate his expensive food from her children's Top Ramen Noodles that she was purchasing on her EBT card.
Having to deal with these situations made me exhausted with the thought of going to work. It felt like I was just working to pay bills, and that was the value of my life up until that point. I would later realize that prayer comes with a caveat you have to be patient. What's more is that you constantly have to pray, then be patient. It's part of a formula that never ends.
[easy-tweet tweet="Prayer + Patience = Prayer + Patience"]
When you're up or down, pray or take a moment to self reflect. When you're done, wait for an answer. It's really that simple.
The grocery store saga of my life is behind me (thank you Lord), but I think that we're all sent little reminders of the Prayer + Patience Formula every now and then to help us appreciate our journey and the formula even more. For me, one of those reminders came from Ta'Rhonda Jones, who plays Porsha (Cookie Lyons assistant) on the hit Fox drama Empire.
Jones sat down with Cosmopolitan, and after reading her interview, I learned that the Prayer + Patience Formula can't exist without several important elements.
1. You have to have something to wake up to every morning.
From my experience, it's going to be hard to pray if you don't have something driving you out of bed. Even if you're okay with a montone life, you need something to live for, or something you can say you're proud of doing. The moment you think you don't need anything to live for is the moment you've become your own prisoner, because you're going to be holding yourself back from taking the next step. Jones describes knowing that living a boring life wasn't what she wanted for herself. She told Cosmo:
“I was a grandma. I worked a full-time job at a nursing home. Sometimes I would spend my whole day there just to make sure everything went right ... and it was hard for me to enjoy life. When I got done working, I would go straight home, go to bed, and then get up and repeat the same thing over and over. I never really got to do anything spontaneous like clubbing, like what normal 20-year-olds do."
2. Overcome.
What's amazing about following the prayer and patience formula is being able to look back and say that you overcame a difficult situation, and know that you learned something from it. And who wouldn't want to say that they are a shining example of how prayer and patience can turn any situation around, and possibly into a success?
In the interview, Jones described one of the toughest problems she had to overcome the death of her brother, who was killed a few months before her audition.
He was killed. He was 21. He was shot down. Literally, right down the street from my grandmother's house. He was with some friends, they were walking, and a van pulled up and they fired. He got shot in the leg, fell, someone got out of the car and stood over him, and not one, not two, not three shots — but 13 times in the back.
3. Make room for blessings.
I learned from Jones' experience that your life is not blessed with any experiences you are not ready to learn from. Whether the experience is bad or good, you're going to learn something from it. This makes it easier to recognize a blessing when you see one.
In Jones' case, the blessings was the new job prospect, and her brother who encouraged her to audition for Empire. She says:
“I originally tried out for the role of Tiana. And when I recited the lines to Claire Simon in Chicago, she's the casting director there, she gave me this blank stare. Because when I went in, she asked me if I had my lines, and I was like, "What lines?" Because I didn't go over the email, I just knew I had to be there at a certain time. I'm like, OK, I messed up, I blew it. And she was just like, "Nah, leave your name, number, email. I think I might have something else in mind for you." And that very same day she emailed me the Porsha role and told me to come in the next day."
4. Listen for an answer.
Without knowing it, Jones teaches us is that even if you're not a praying person, taking a moment to self reflect, and listening for an answer can yield benefits. She says:
When I got the call [that I got the part], Claire [the casting director], she teased me like, "Are you sitting down?" "Uh, should I be?" My knees were shaking. The very first person I called was my older brother and I told him. Because he was the one who called me [and told me to audition for the role]. But my little brother was killed April of last year, and when I got that call [that I was cast in Empire], it was five months after he was killed. And I had a job offer at a hospital as well, and I didn't know which one to take, the Empire role or the hospital job. I'm like, "The Empire role, I'm not sure where this is going to take me, but this hospital job, I know this is stability." And I prayed on it. I said, "Jesus, if this role is for me, I need a sign and I need it now." I keep a watch that belonged to my deceased brother. And when I asked for a sign, the alarm on the watch went off. Instantly. I quit my job two days later.
5. Enjoy the ride.
You weren't put on this Earth to not enjoy your blessings, and you can't control which people are put in your life to help you along your path. After Jones took her new job, she ended up meeting Empire's director Lee Daniels, who she thought was a little “crazy". She tells the magazine:
“The third day I went in, and I didn't know who he was. I didn't know who Lee Daniels was when I walked into the room. I was just like, "This man is nuts," because when I walked into the room he was yelling, "Yesss. Yess, honey, fabulous honey, yess!" In his pajamas. Blue, striped. I'll never forget it because I was just looking like, "Ugh, what is he doing? And he said, "What's your name, little girl?" And I said, "Porsha," because I got mad because he called me a little girl. I'm a grown woman!"
"That man that was nuts" ended up being a blessing for Ta'Rhonda!
The Prayer + Patience Formula can work for anyone, if you try. You never know what's waiting for you around the corner. So while you wait, stay prayed up (or just self reflect).
Catch the video below to see why we love Ta'Rhonda! Wishing her much success!
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Anyway, I personally think that the less shallow folks out here may contemplate calling things “quits” or they at least distance themselves a bit from their partner (and what I’m referring to is serious relationships) due to all of the stress and strain that oftentimes comes with the holidays whether it be financial, familial, due to their tight schedules or something else.
Listen, I would hate for you and your man to miss the fun and happiness of experiencing this time of year, all because you are so overwhelmed or irritated that you can’t really enjoy it. That’s why I have a few practical tips for how to avoid allowing the typical holiday season stress from INFECTING your relationship.
Manage Your Expectations
GiphyUnmanaged expectations. If there is a main reason why the holiday season tends to be so stress-filled for so many people, I’d bet good money that this is the cause. And when you’re in a long-term relationship, expectations can manifest themselves in all sorts of cryptic and/or unexpected ways. You might have relatives who assume that you are going to be with them for Thanksgiving or Christmas when you have other plans in mind. You might be thinking that you are going to spend one amount for presents while your man is thinking something totally different. When it comes to scheduling, your signals may be crossed.
And you know what? To all of these scenarios, this is where clear and consistent communication come in. Don’t assume anything. Don’t dictate anything either. From now until New Year’s, mutually decide to check in once a week, just to make sure that you are both on the same page as it relates to the holidays and what you both are thinking will come along with it. The less blindsided you both feel, the less stressed out you will be. Trust me on this.
Set (and Keep) a Budget
GiphyOkay, so I read that last year, 36 percent of Americans incurred some type of holiday-related debt. Hmph. Last year, there was still some sense of normalcy in this country, chile, so I can only imagine what finances are gonna look like over the next several weeks. That said, since I don’t know a lot of people who don’t find being broke stressful, make sure that you and your bae set a budget and then stick to it this year — no ifs, ands or buts.
Because really, y’all — it doesn’t make sense to deplete savings and/or max out credit cards for a few days of giggles only to be damn near losing your mind because you don’t know how to make ends meet come Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Day.
And by the way, this tip doesn’t just speak to things like food and gifts; I also mean travel. If it doesn’t make a ton of sense (or cents) to be all over the place this year — DON’T BE.
Keep Matthew 5:37 at the Forefront
GiphyIf off the top of your head, you don’t know what Matthew 5:37 says, no worries, here ya go: “But let your ‘Yes’ be ‘Yes,’ and your ‘No,’ ‘No.’ For whatever is more than these is from the evil one.” That verse right there? Oh, it’s a boundaries lifesaver! I say that because do you see “maybe” or “I’ll think about it” in there? Nope. LOL. It says that you should tell people “yes” or “no” and leave it at that — and that complements Anne Lamott’s quote, “’No’ is a complete sentence” impeccably well. Yeah, you’ve got to remember that anything beyond a yes or no to a request is privileged information; you don’t owe anyone details or an explanation.
Besides, if you are really honest with yourself, when someone asks you something and you give a “Umm, let me think about it” kind of reply, more times than not, you already know what your answer is going to be — so why not let you both off of the hook? Give your response. Commit to that. And let everyone (including yourself) get on with their lives and schedules.
I promise you that when it comes to those holiday parties, you are pissing more folks off by not RSVP’ing or doing so and not showing up than just saying, “Thank you but not this year” off the rip.
Remember That Your Personal Space Is Privilege Not a Right
GiphyA friend of mine recently bought a new house and invited me over to come see it. He’s a single man with no children, so as I was taking in all of the space that he had, especially as I walked through his finished basement, I joked about relatives coming to live with him. “Hell no” and “absolutely not” were pretty much his immediate responses as he went on to say that some folks even had the nerve to be offended when he told them that he had no intentions on taking DNA in.
Ain’t it wild how people think that your stuff is their right? And yes, that brings me to my next point. Your home is your sanctuary space. If you want to host folks this year — cool. If not, ALSO COOL. Please don’t let folks (family included) guilt you into how they want you to act or even into what they would do if the shoe was on the other foot. You are not them — and as one of my favorite quotes states, “If two people were exactly alike, one of them would be unnecessary.” (A man by the name Larry Dixon said that.)
Hell, my friends? They know that I am good for sending them random things that they need or even want all throughout the year. Coming over to hang out at my pace, though. Uh-uh. Chalk it up to being a card-carrying member of the ambivert club yet I like keeping my living space personal — and I sleep like a baby, each and every night, for feeling that way.
Always remember that your space, your time, your resources, your energy and shoot, yourself period (including your relationship), are all things that are your own. You get to choose how, when and why you want to share them. The holiday season is certainly no exception.
Cultivate Some “You Two Only” Traditions
GiphyIt’s not uncommon for some couples to hit me up after the holiday season to “detox.” Sometimes it’s due to the financial drama (and sometimes trauma) that they experienced. Sometimes it’s because they allowed their relatives (especially in-laws) to get more into their personal business than they should’ve. More than anything, though, it tends to be because they didn’t get enough quality time together and so ended up feeling “disconnected.”
Please don’t let that happen. Listen, I’m not even a holidays kind of woman and yet, I will absolutely sit myself down with some hot chocolate and chocolate chip cookies to enjoy a Hallmark holiday film or two. Aside from the fact that most of them are lighthearted and sweet, I also like that they usually focus on couples loving on each other amidst all of the holiday beauty and ambiance — which is something that all couples should set aside some time to do.
Maybe it’s a vacation. Maybe it’s a staycation. Or maybe it’s my personal favorite, A SEXCATION. Whether it’s for a few days, the weekend or even overnight — don’t you let the holidays go by without setting aside time for you and your man to celebrate one another. Don’t you dare (check out “Are You Ready To Have Some Very Merry 'Christmas Sex'?”).
GET. SOME. REST.
GiphyI once read that 8 out of 10 people get stressed out over the holidays and 3 out of 10 lose sleep during to it — and when you’re stress-filled and sleep-deprived, that can absolutely lead to hypersensitivity, making mountains out of molehills and even not being in the mood for sex.
Your relationship can’t afford to go through any of this, so definitely make sure to prioritize rest. I don’t care how unrealistic it might seem during this time, sleep should never be seen as a luxury; it will always and forever be a great necessity.
That said, try to get no less than six hours of shut-eye in (check out “6 Fascinating Ways Sex And Sleep Definitely Go Hand In Hand”) and even ask your bae to take a nap with you sometimes (check out “Wanna Have Some Next-Level Sex? Take A Nap, Sis.”). Not only will sleep help to restore your mind, body and spirit but, when it’s with your partner, it’s an act of intimacy that can make you both feel super connected, even in the midst of what might feel like chaos.
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Holiday season stress is real. Still, never give it the permission or power to throw your relationship off. Put you and your man first and let the holidays be what they are gonna be, chile.
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If, while on your continual journey to get the best out of your own tresses, you’d like to learn how to get them healthier than it’s ever been, I’ve got seven acids that are typically known for skin use that can be just as beneficial to your hair as well.
1. Salicylic Acid
When it comes to your skin, salicylic acid is beta-hydroxy acid that is great for your skin if you’re looking for something that will exfoliate it, clear out your pores and dissolve dead skin cells. In fact, this is why it’s an acid that is quite popular when it comes to treating acne.
Your hair will enjoy salicylic acid because, if you’re looking to remove product build-up, you want to soothe an itchy or irritated scalp or you’ve got some dandruff flakes that are totally driving you up the wall, salicylic acid has the ability to treat all of this. Either purchasing a shampoo that contains this ingredient or adding it to your favorite scalp scrub is probably the most effective way to get the most out of it.
Just make sure that if your scalp is sensitive or dry that you approach with caution. In these instances, it could end up irritating your scalp more than helping it out, so use a very little bit in the beginning to make sure that it vibes with you.
2. Lactic Acid
Lactic acid is an alpha hydroxy acid that can help to even out your skin tone as well as slow down the signs of aging. The properties in it help to do this by reducing hyperpigmentation and boosting collagen production in your skin as well as keeping it hydrated.
Why is it great for your locks? For one thing, lactic acid is considered to be a humectant. This means that it pulls water from the air so that your hair is able to remain moisturized.
Another thing that makes it a winner is the fact that lactic acid breaks down dead skin cells on your scalp (so that your hair follicles are able to flourish), it can help to soften and detangle your hair (making it a helpful addition on your wash days) and it also helps to protect your tresses from heat styling tools and UV damage. Applying a hair rinse that’s made up of part lactic acid and part water can work wonderfully (so long as you apply it once a month, tops; more than that might be too “intense” for your hair strands).
3. Glycolic Acid
Glycolic acid is a water-soluble alpha hydroxy acid that is actually made from sugar. Your skin will adore it because it smooths the appearance of fine lines and wrinkles, improves the texture of your skin, gently exfoliates, clears your pores and brightens up your complexion overall.
The reasons why you should consider this acid for your hair is because it helps to keep your scalp youthful (and yes, there is such a thing; check out “Your Scalp Ages Six Times Faster Than Your Face. Why It Matters.”), removes excess sebum (that could be clogging up your hair follicles) and it helps to keep your hair moisturized. Your best bet here is to make it a part of your pre-shampooing ritual.
4. Succinic Acid
Succinic acid is an acid that is made from sugar cane and contains antimicrobial and anti-inflammatory properties. Although it doesn’t exactly exfoliate (like many of these other acids do), it can still be beneficial to your skin when it comes to reducing the kind of irritation that is associated with eczema, decreasing the bacteria that leads to breakouts and keeping your skin pretty hydrated.
As far as your hair goes, this is an acid that is worth trying out because it helps to balance the sebum that is on your scalp, remove dead skin and product build-up that can irritate your scalp and clog your hair follicles and, succinic acid is also beneficial when it comes to reducing dandruff and helping to prevent hair loss. Most people tend to apply this as a serum.
5. Hyaluronic Acid
I’ve officially sung the praises of hyaluronic acid on this platform before. One example is via the article, “Why Your Skin, Hair, And Nails Need Hyaluronic Acid Like...Yesterday.” On the skin tip, hyaluronic acid is great because it deeply hydrates your skin, contains anti-aging properties and can even bring relief to vaginal (including vulvar) dryness.
Your hair will adore this particular acid because it aids moisture to it (including your hair follicles), will help to improve your hair’s texture and it also soothes scalp dryness, nurtures the cuticles of your tresses and decreases frizz. Using a serum rich in this acid as a pre-poo or as a leave-in conditioner is recommended.
6. Azelaic Acid
If you’ve never heard of azelaic acid before, this is your lucky day. It’s a dicarboxylic acid that, when it comes to skincare (and hair care) products, is usually synthetic. Anyway, if you are looking for a way to reduce inflammation, even skin tone after a breakout or if you want to use an exfoliant that will improve the texture of your skin overtime, you might want to give this acid a shot.
This one makes the list as far as your hair is concerned because, if achieving more inches is your current focus, azelaic acid might come in handy. That’s because it is able to strengthen your hair, thicken your strands and also stimulate hair growth from within your hair follicles.
7. Glutamic Acid
Glutamic acid is actually a type of amino acid. Skin-wise, it’s great for deeply hydrating your skin as well as protecting it from pollutants and damaging UV rays. Also, if you’re looking for an acid that treats skin dryness or “tightness,” this could be the answer to your prayers.
Since glutamic acid is also considered to be a humectant, it’s another acid that can moisturize your hair. As a result, it can decrease breakage while helping your hair to feel smooth and look shiny.
BONUS: Amino Acids
Speaking of amino acids and hair, please try to keep some amino acids in your diet at all times. The reason why is because, since your hair is made up of mostly protein (keratin, to be exact), amino acids are pretty darn effective when it comes to helping you to maintain the overall health and well-being of your hair.
Ones to prioritize include proline (it boosts collagen so that your hair strands can maintain flexibility); arginine (it increases blood flow to your hair follicles so that they can receive the nutrients that they need); cysteine (it helps to keep your hair follicles healthy); alanine (it helps your system to produce more collagen), and isoleucine (it strengthens the tissues that help to make up your hair strands). All of these are available in supplement form or you can use Google to see which foods contain them.
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Although it might initially seem odd to apply acid to your hair, as you can see, certain ones will work miracles for it. So, test them out to see which one tickles your fancy.
Hell, since they work for your skin as well — it’s a two-for-one deal that is worth every penny!
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