More People Are Using The 'Gray Rock Method' To End Relationships. It Needs To Stop.
Breaking up is hard to do. That’s the hook of a song from way back in the day, and as someone who has broken up with people before and had a few end things with me, I can certainly attest to that very fact. Thing is, when it comes to this particular topic, sinceI am also a life coach in the area of relationships, I do think that what can make a break-up so much more painful — or at least triggering — is how someone chooses to do it…and boy, if the gray rock method is not one of the most cowardly ones out here — WHEW.
And just what is the gray rock method? I’m so glad that you asked because, although I didn’t know until semi-recently that there was an actual term for it, I have experienced it and witnessed far too many other people go through it, to not call it all the way out.
Before breaking it down, if you’re on the verge of ending things with someone (someone you’re dating, not someone you’re married to because you definitely shouldn’t go this route in that case), if you want your life karma to be good, this is how to NOT handle your relationship.
Let me explain.
What It Means to Be a Coward
GiphyBefore I get into what the gray rock method is all about, I think it’s important to lay down a bit of groundwork. You know, I’ve been working professionally in the field of relationships for damn near two decades at this point, which means that I have seen a lot — and when it comes to the approach that folks will take in order to end their own romantic connection with someone, I’ve noticed that men will oftentimes take the cowardly way out while women will lean into being passive aggressive.
For the record, both are ridiculous (in my opinion), and I’ll expound on why. Starting with being a coward.
By definition, a coward is someone who lacks courage. Some synonyms for the word include wimp, deserter, and quitter. Because I am a traditionalist (more like a complementarian) in many ways when it comes to relationships, a cowardly man grates my soul because, if a man is to lead a relationship, he can’t be a coward and do it well.
Hmph. That reminds me ofan article that I once read on traits of a cowardly leader; some of them included avoiding hard decisions, being a poor listener, not being genuine, refusing to grow or change on any level, and not following through with things.
And you know what? There are a lot of guys out here who, when they are ready to end a relationship, instead of just coming right on out and saying it, they will take the cowardly approach. For instance, they might stop listening to you or paying attention to your needs, or they might become inflexible or unwilling to compromise, all the while hoping that their actions will frustrate you to the point where you will leave them so that they don’t have to be “the bad guy.” And yes, that is a coward. A textbook one, at that.
Is it on the top of anyone’s list to end a relationship? Does anyone rush to hurt someone’s feelings or worse, break their heart? Unless they’re a clinically diagnosed narcissist or sociopath, absolutely not. Indeed, calling it quits with someone requires courage. Yet, if a man wants to be respected, courage is something he’s going to need to have if he comes to the conclusion that a relationship no longer suits him anymore.
That said, people who use the gray rock method with people they date are not very courageous people. Put a pin in that while I handle how a lot of women tend to move towards the end of relationships for a second.
What It Means to Be Passive Aggressive
Giphy“What’s wrong with you?”
“Nothing.”
UGH. My clients know that if there’s one thing that I’m going to call out, each and every time, it’s saying “nothing” to clearly something — and it’s not (typically) men who do that mess; it’s usually women…by far. I don’t know who started that approach to communication, but whoever it is should be placed on billboards all over the country with bright red flags circling their head because mature and effective interaction doesn’t require someone having to beg you to speak up. If something is wrong, say it; being passive-aggressive profits absolutely nothing.
And what exactly does it mean to be a passive-aggressive individual? In many ways, it’s a lot like gaslighting. Rather than confront a matter head-on, passive-aggressive folks do things likegive the silent treatment, address issues with cynicism or sarcasm, smile in your face, and then talk about you behind your back (even if that means venting about you online), dish out backhanded compliments; will engage in self-sabotage by creating drama and problems that don’t really exist, and/or they will pull that “nothing” mess in order to make someone pull how they are feeling out of them (which again, is pretty immature, if we’re gonna be real about it).
And why would someone do this if they are unhappy in their relationship? Well, the interesting thing about passive-aggressive behavior (which is why it’s so close to gaslighting) is if people do it “well” enough, they can play the victim; that’s because it’s so subtle that, although they are annoying/irritating the entire mess out of someone, it can be challenging for the person who is on the receiving end of their game-playing to directly call them out on it.
So, if a guy is dating a woman who is passive-aggressive and she says things like, “I mean, this is a better restaurant than the ones you’ve taken me out on lately,” or she suddenly decides to nitpick at what he does when she used to be quite chill, if he starts to distance himself or wants to end things, then she can act like he abandoned her, even though she’s the one who started all of the discontent and low-key drama, to begin with — and yeah, that’s some pretty nasty work.
And this, along with being cowardly, at the end of the day, can both play a direct role in applying the gray rock method to ending a relationship. Here’s how — and why.
Here’s How They Both Play a Role in the “Gray Rock Method”
GiphyWhen was the last time you stared at a rock? If you honestly can’t remember, I don’t blame you. Rocks are pretty boring. In fact, the only thing worse than looking at a rock is looking at a gray rock. I mean, even though I like to wear gray, let’s not act like the color is super stimulating or anything. And so, if you pair that hue with a stone, and then look at it for minutes on end, there is a huge possibility that you are gonna be bored out of your mind to the point where you’d rather do almost anything but continue to do so.
Ladies (and possibly gents as well), I give you the gray rock method. Although some people say that it’s a helpful way to deal with negative or draining people, remember that we’re talking about it in a particular context for this article. For this piece, the gray rock method is applied by tapping out so much, becoming so bland and ho-hum in conversations, literally acting boring as hell that the person you’re seeing ends up fading out or ending things altogether…and gee, you didn’t have to do any of the dirty work.
Could it work? Sure, it could. Hell, it does. People do some variation of this mess all of the time. However, even the person who came up with the term says that if you’re going to attempt it, you should during the beginning stages of dating NOT when you’re ready to end something that is far more substantial. Why shouldn’t you for more serious relationships? Well, now that you know what the gray rock method is all about…do you see how it can be cowardly like a mug and/or passive-aggressive as all get out? What’s even remotely respectful about either of those things?
One way that I’ve seen someone pull the gray rock method approach that was pretty foul is she totally disengaged with her partner. Then, when he stopped doing as much work as he used to in order to maintain the relationship, she accused him of cheating — just so she could feel good about ending a relationship that she no longer wanted to be in, in the first place. Foul, foul, and super foul. Yeah, no matter how difficult it can be to end things with someone, putting them in a position where they will seem like the villain and you the hero-victim when you know that you were pulling puppet strings all along? Either you’re heartless, or you don’t believe in karma.
Which brings me to my final point for all of this.
There Is Usually Karma in Break-Ups. Remember That.
GiphyNot too long ago, someone asked me about what kept me from totally clowning a particular individual (who they know) who did me pretty dirty back in the day. I mean, I do have a book coming out before the year’s end. LOL. I promise you, I don’t know why folks wanna screw with writers (any kind of writer too). The bigger point here is when you know that you did right by — or at least better than —someone, you really can let karma (destiny or fate, following as effect from cause) handle it.
And for those of you who claim not to believe in karma, do you not believe in sowing and reaping (Galatians 6:6-10) either — because that’s pretty much what karma is. And here’s the thing about it: it doesn’t have an expiration date. What that means is you can plant a “bad” (or cowardly or passive-aggressive or jacked-up motive) seed, forget all about it, and BOOM! Out of nowhere comes a harvest that you can’t figure out…and it was all connected to that nasty seed that you planted back in the day.
Yeah, the thing that you have to be careful of when it comes to matters of the heart is, that you really do need to always and consistently apply the Golden Rule of “do unto others as you would have them do unto you.” So, even if you’re not feeling someone in the way that they feel about you (anymore), don’t be delusional (or arrogant) enough to think that one day you won’t be emotionally where they are about you now regarding someone else — which could cause them to “gray rock” the mess outta you. See where I’m coming from?
Actor Keanu Reeves once said, “Your karma should be good and everything else will follow.” Break-ups are included. If you want things to end well for you, end well with someone. There’s no need to bore them to tears so that they will leave so that you won’t have to. Be what you want: honest, clear, fair, compassionate, and caring. Even if it’s time to bring this chapter of your love life to a close, who said that it can’t be respectful, grown, and honorable? The gray rock method? Yeah, it doesn’t check off any of those boxes. Not really.
___
I know this is a bit of a different kind of relationship article. Like I said earlier, although you may have never heard of the term before, “gray rocking” happens too much to not address it head-on to hopefully get fewer people to do it.
Bottom line, is if you want a mature break-up from someone, give one.
I would hate for a gray rock to hit you on your head (or at your heart) one day (you know, metaphorically-speaking)…all because you didn’t.
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It's kinda wild that, in 2025, my byline will have appeared on this platform for (what?!) seven years. And yeah, when I'm not waxing poetic on here about sex, relationships and then...more sex and relationships, I am working as a certified marriage life coach, helping to birth babies (as a doula) or penning for other places (oftentimes under pen names).
As some of you know, something that I've been "threatening" to do for a few years now is write another book. Welp, October 2024 was the month that I "gave birth" to my third one: 'Inside of Me 2.0: My Story. With a 20-Year Lens'. It's fitting considering I hit a milestone during the same year.
Beyond that, Pumas and lip gloss are still my faves along with sweatshirts and tees that have a pro-Black message on them. I've also started really getting into big ass unique handbags and I'm always gonna have a signature scent that ain't nobody's business but my own.
As far as where to find me, I continue to be MIA on the social media front and I honestly don't know if that will ever change. Still, if you need to hit me up about something *that has nothing to do with pitching on the site (I'm gonna start ignoring those emails because...boundaries)*, hit me up at missnosipho@gmail.com. I'll do what I can. ;)
'Bel-Air' Actress Jazlyn Martin On Her Ongoing Identity Crisis And Its Influence On Her Creative Journey
Jazlyn Martin is a triple-threat performer known most for her role as Jackie on Peacock’sBel-Air. Her character’s fiery personality and questionable decisions have led to a few shocking moments in the series and quite a bit of convo on social media.
Now, I’ll be honest: as an avid TV-lover, I was well-prepared to hop on Zoom and jump into all the chatter around Bel-Air and her characters’ decisions. But after listening to her new EP Identity Crisis, I knew there was a lot more to talk about as well. During this exclusive conversation with xoNecole, Jazlyn Martin delved into the challenging journey she’s faced surrounding her identity, newfound fame, and family influence, and how it all plays a part in her art. Check it out!
xoNecole: So I know that your father is in the entertainment world, but when did you realize you shared the same passion?
Jazlyn Martin: I think it was very early on. I was a child who was full of attitude and fearlessness that would go after anything I wanted. I believe seeing my dad pursue music made me realize it was possible. I just had this hunger and fire, and my parents consciously fed and nurtured that - they are always all super supportive of whatever I do. So very, very early on, I was like, I'm meant to do this. And I just was like, I'm a star, and I know I'm a star.
xoN: Actually, let's talk about your family. What are some of your most important values, and how have your family and heritage played a part in shaping those values?
Jazlyn: I mean, my mom is like an angel; she's so graceful and kind, and I've had to work hard to get there. When I was young, I was very abrasive, headstrong, and stubborn. Whereas my mom gives an immense amount of grace in the way she carries herself. I had to learn that.
I think being strong is something I’ve always had. My parents always joke that they don't know where my personality came from. Because my dad is shy and timid and my mom is kind, and I'm a fireball. But my Dad always asked the important industry questions like, “Why do you want to do this?” And that instilled some purpose into me. It really carried me to keep going because it's so easy to be discouraged in this field, but that drive has helped me push through all of the challenges.
xoN: I bet. I have such a respect for actors and the way you all navigate the industry. Speaking of, let’s dig into “Bel-Air.” Were you a fan of the show? Did you have to go back and watch the episodes?
Jazlyn: So I actually did watch the show which is crazy because sometimes I don’t. I saw it was a reboot and was like, ‘Oh no, not another one.’ But I watched the first three episodes, realized how good it was, and ended up watching the whole season. I became a fan, and then a few months later, I booked the role!
I think the imagination is such a beautiful and powerful tool, and I feel like if you create something in your mind, it happens. It's a crazy thing, but I really just created Jackie's world - the house she grew up in, her parents leaving her, and everything. I created why she fell in love with dance. I really came at it from a human approach. If I see it, then the audience can see it.
xoN: Yeah, background plays into so much of how we deal with things, how we interact with people, and everything. And I feel like Jackie gets a lot of backlash. Like, we’ve all had a “Jackie Moment” to be real.
Jazlyn: She gets so much backlash! I just encourage people to give her grace and see the God in her because I do think she tells a lot of Black and brown girls' stories. People project on her, saying she’s too ratchet or hood, and I’m like does that mean she’s not loveable?
We have to be careful of what’s said and put out because Jackie has gone through things that I've never had to go through. The fact that she's alive and still highly functioning is a blessing. So what if she gets a little messy? I love her. Because she’s helped me extend empathy to people I don't necessarily want to or don't think deserve to have it. But she's 17, she's figuring it out, and she doesn't have parents. Like, that's such a huge factor.
"We have to be careful of what’s said and put out because Jackie has gone through things that I've never had to go through. The fact that she's alive and still highly functioning is a blessing. So what if she gets a little messy? I love her."
xoN: You mentioned how your character is viewed, which digs a bit into identity. So I want to talk a little bit about some of the emotional songs on your EP “Identity Crisis.” What inspired the track “Perfect?”
Jazlyn: When I was creating “Perfect,” I already had the EP title. So I kind of mapped out, like, the different conflicts I had in my head and categorized them into seven songs, and so one of my identity crises was being perfect. Because I feel like a lot of men tend to put women on pedestals. They're expected to be perfect - especially when you’re in the limelight. You know, you can't slip up. You can't say the wrong thing. Cancel culture is such a huge thing. And I just wanted to encourage people to give people grace to be themselves because that's not an easy thing to do.
I just wanted to take down this facade that I’m perfect because I never pretended to be. I never wanted to be. I think that's something people have placed on me, that I have it all figured out, I think I just carry it well, but that doesn't mean it's not heavy. I just wanted to be very vulnerable and honest. I think people think “perfect” is a compliment, but I think it's a cage because it doesn't allow room for error. It doesn't allow for you to be human and mess up and fail and take risks. So I just wanted to encourage grace.
xoN: Do you ever feel like you went through an identity crisis?
Jazlyn: I go through one constantly. Growing up, I didn't really have one. But I think as you get older and more aware and cognitive, you know how the world goes, and the world starts telling you who you are, instead of you deciding who you are. And I feel like being mixed played a big role in that, not feeling Black or Mexican enough. I wanted to belong to both worlds but didn’t so I was just “other.” That was an identity crisis in itself.
Also, being introduced to a level of fame has been interesting, too. I think we all go through identity crises all the time because we’re evolving and changing. It’s beautiful, but it’s also scary; you see yourself this one way, and then something happens, and there’s a shift. So yeah, I think it’s something we all go through but no one talks about.
"I think as you get older and more aware and cognitive, you know how the world goes, and the world starts telling you who you are, instead of you deciding who you are. And I feel like being mixed played a big role in that, not feeling Black or Mexican enough. I wanted to belong to both worlds but didn’t so I was just 'other.'"
xoN: I love that. And I know Hispanic Heritage Month is coming up, and you'll be speaking at the New York Latino Film Festival. Talk to me about what that moment means to you and what you hope to bring to the event. *Editor’s note: The interview was conducted before Hispanic Heritage Month began.
Jazlyn: I’m bringing some Afro-Latino-ness! I always grew up seeing Latinos being represented in a very specific way—very Spanish, not very Indigenous looking. So I'm really excited to bring the Black experience, with the Latino experience, to the stage because that's something a lot of people don't know exists.
People are always like, “Are you Black or Latina?” Well, I'm both! We were just dropped off in different parts. I’m excited to speak on that and highlight how prevalent anti-Blackness is within Latino communities. A lot of Afro-Latinos have faced an identity crisis because of it, including myself. It sometimes feels like you’re supposed to hate the other half of who you are.
For me, I held onto that little Black girl inside. I refused to let her go. And that’s what I want to represent when I speak—resilience and acceptance of our full selves. I’m also looking forward to meeting fellow Latino people, especially Afro-Latinos, and sharing our stories. It’s not a narrative that gets much attention, and I’m excited to represent.
xoN: I’m excited for you! Finally, with all the praise and recognition you’re receiving now, what has it been like to transition from working in music, dance, and acting to now being in the spotlight? How have you embraced this new level of fame?
Jazlyn: Um, it's overwhelming. I think that's the best word. Sometimes, I'm joyful, because I'm giving back to the community. People resonate with Jackie's stories and see themselves in her, which I think is the biggest compliment to me. But then sometimes, you know, I feel sad because I'm like, ‘Damn, I'm not doing enough,’ like I should be doing more. It's crazy, the industry is so fast-paced that you don't really try to celebrate wins. It's just a transition, an identity crisis of the like.
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'It's A Sexy Show': Aldis Hodge Talks Iconic Role In 'Cross' At CultureCon Ahead of Prime Video Premiere
The culture’s latest heartthrob owns his main character energy as he prepares to lead in Prime Video’s Cross.
During the 2024 CultureCon event held in New York City at the top of October, Aldis Hodge hit the stage to discuss everything connected to his main character era as eager fans listened in, counting down the days to the premiere of his new series.
Hodge, known for his iconic roles in One Night in Miami, Underground, Straight Outta Compton, and a host of other hit projects, will become Alex Cross, the “brilliant detective and forensic psychologist renowned for his uncanny ability to probe the darkest recesses of killers and their victims,” according to a press release shared with xoNecole.
Moderated by Chris Witherspoon, the panel during this year’s CultureCon featured Hodge and his co-star for Cross (and fellow hearth throb) Isaiah Mustafa.
After a special screening for the community builders, creatives, tastemakers, and everyone in between, the trio discussed the theme for the forthcoming show, how it pays homage to the original book series by James Patterson but is its entirely own story, and much more.
Following the conversations, guests could party with Hodge at an exclusive after-party.
“Cross is set to push the boundaries of suspense and storytelling, crafted by the visionary Ben Watkins, who serves as both showrunner and executive producer,” read an official statement for this show.
Photo by Aaron J. Thornton/WireImage
“His creation promises a complex and twisted narrative that will keep audiences on the edge of their seats. Joining Hodge in this high-octane thriller is a talented ensemble cast including Isaiah Mustafa, Juanita Jennings, Alona Tal, and Samantha Walkes, each adding depth to this multifaceted drama.”
During an interview with Blavity’sShadow & Act this summer, Hodge opened up about playing the iconic character previously serving as the protagonist in the James Patterson novel series dedicated to Alex Cross.
“I’m excited because this is a completely different Cross than anyone has seen before,” said Hodge. “You get to explore every element of what makes cinema entertaining. It’s a sexy show. It’s a dangerous show. I feel like I’m stuck in the coolest psychological thriller ever. We get to explore all the facets of his life, his world, his manhood, family man, brotherhood, trying to explore new relationships, and what that means to him.”
He added, “This show goes there. It dives deep and I just love the fact that people are going to get something they do not expect.”
All eight episodes of Aldis Hodge as Alex Cross will premiere on Nov. 15 only on Prime Video.
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