Here's Exactly How To Start Protecting Your Spirit
The spirit is a complex and, as you're about to see in just a moment, super layered kind of thing. From a biblical standpoint, if you looked up the Hebrew origin of the word (because the Bible was translated from Hebrew to English), it is "ruach" which is a feminine form of the word "breath". Breath isn't just the air that we breathe; breath is also our very life. Spirit is life.
And so, of course, it is imperative that we do all that we can to protect—to defend or guard from attack, invasion, loss, annoyance, insult, etc.; cover or shield from injury or danger—our spirit. Because, as a Native American writer and musician by the name of John Trudell once said, "Protect your spirit because you are in a place where spirits get eaten." Another way to look at this is, you are on a planet where spirits are oftentimes consumed. Devoured even. Yeah, that might not be a warm 'n fuzzy kind of intro, but that doesn't make the facts any less true. And just why are so many people having their spirits—their quality of life—devoured? I'd venture to say that it's because a lot of individuals don't even recognize just how vast their spirit actually is.
Let's do something to change that today. Below are seven words that are literal synonyms for the word "spirit". From personal experience, I can vouch for the fact that, if you take the necessary steps to protect each of these, the quality of your life, overall, will only get exponentially better. That's a promise.
1. Your Character
Some people like to define character as being one's personality. Personally, I think it goes a bit deeper than that. To me, your character is comprised of your behavior and the adjectives that could be used to describe it. For instance, someone might say that you're patient (or impatient), funny (or serious), dependable (or flaky). The reality is all of us have character traits that are good—and not so good. But hopefully, with the passing of every birthday, you come to a place of wanting to strengthen the good and weaken the bad.
Like with me, one thing that I know is a character trait of mine is I'm a big giver; so much so that I used to be codependent and also mad resentful when I would realize that some relationships were constantly taking me for granted. When I finally got to the point and place of accepting that it really is true that you teach people how to treat you, I started to set boundaries. I started to express what I expected out of my relationships and I learned how to only say "yes" if I knew I wasn't going to regret not saying "no" later. I also learned how to find the balance in doing things out of the goodness of my heart vs. doing things in hopes that someone would care about me as much as I cared about them. Mastering this has helped to keep me from becoming jaded and bitter; it has helped me to protect my giving spirit.
If you don't make a point to protect your good character traits, you can best believe that your bad ones will start to take over—maybe even overpower the good. That's why it's so important to take the time out to ponder what your good traits are and what you can (and should) do in order to make sure that those particular traits remain intact.
2. Your Energy
In the simplest form, energy is power. There is someone I know who says that he responds or reacts to other people based on the energy that they give him. Honestly, a lot of folks would probably say the same thing. However, the challenge with that is, if you take energy at its core definition, that means someone has the power to shift your power…and that's giving them a lot of power in your life (too much if you ask me!). In an article that I read entitled, "The People Factor: It's All About Energy", the author stated, "Understanding how people affect you means that you can do a better job matching what you need at any given moment to what your energy requires." I totally agree with that.
Something that I used to have in my space, a lot, both personally and professionally, were narcissistic individuals (check out "What If It's Your Parents Who Happen To Be The Narcissists?" and "3 Warning Signs You're In Love With A Narcissist"). Because I didn't know the traits—and agenda—of narcissists at the time, I didn't get why a lot of relationships had me emotionally drained and sometimes very depressed. But baby, after a year of studying narcissistic abuse, I get it. I realize that a part of what a narcissist does is look for people's power sources to take as their own. And so now, the people who I know are narcissists, I keep a safe distance from. Also, when I recognize that someone is showing red flags of being one, I mentally and emotionally remove myself. I don't try and "compete" with narcissistic energy or even try and change the individual (most of them can't without therapy anyway). I simply make sure to not give them my power (including my time, resources or emotional investment).
A wise person once said, "Certain people and their toxic energy can block you from expanding, elevating and vibrating higher. Detach and protect your energy." One definition of power is the "ability to do or act; capability of doing or accomplishing something". Anything or anyone who is constantly a stumbling block or hinderance for you in this area, they are someone who is working against, not for you. Protect your energy and release them (check out "Why I Don't 'Cut People Off' Anymore, I Release Them Instead" to see what I mean by that)—whether that be for a time or forever.
(By the way, if you want to learn a bit more about the kind of energy that you have, overall, take the personality test, "What Kind of Live Energy Do You Have?". I took it and it was pretty spot-on.)
3. Your Humor
Anytime I'm talking to someone and they say, "You're hilarious", I find that to be one of the best compliments ever. Not only does it remind me that I am able to see the joy in life in spite of a lot of what I have been through, but I know that a good sense of humor is beneficial to our mental, emotional and physical well-being. You can read articles like "Stress relief from laughter? It's no joke", "A good sense of humor is a sign of psychological health" and "A sense of humor could mean you're a healthier, happier, and smarter person" to confirm this fact. Meanwhile, there is a particular person in my family who is basically the humor police. It's not so much that they lack a sense of humor as they want to "regulate" what everyone else should think is fun or funny. Ugh. Not only is that controlling as all get out (I am not you and you are not me; chill out), but it's also a slick way of trying to keep others from protecting a part of their spirit.
Yep, believe it or not, humor is another part of your spiritual being. Make sure that you laugh often. Make sure you surround yourself around others who do the same. And, if there are people who are constantly bringing your joy down, can't take a joke or need to freakin' lighten up—realign your boundaries and how much time you spend in their presence. In times like these, humor is not a luxury; it is an absolute necessity.
4. Your Attitude
When I'm tired (the weary kind). Two days before my period. Right after a long writing day. For about 12 hours after processing a disappointment. Those are the times when my attitude can be a bit stank. I'm self-aware enough to know that. What I used to selfishly do is subject people to whatever mood, words and actions came with my foulness. Now I know that I'm not protecting others when I do that and so I retreat in solitude until I can get myself together.
For the most part, your attitude is all about how you choose to express yourself at any given moment. And since there is plenty of data out here to support the fact that negativity can be quite contagious, it's important that you protect your "self-expression" by 1) knowing who and what triggers you; 2) discovering tactics that others use in order to do it (check out "Gaslighting, Love Bombing & 5 Other Triggers To Call Out In Your Relationships"); 3) taking care of your physical health (check out "In A Bad Mood? These Foods Will Lift Your Spirits!") and 4) disciplining yourself so that your emotions don't control you, you control them.
A lot of us have missed out on all kinds of good things due to our bad attitude; that's the bad news. The good news is we each have the power to protect ourselves so that our attitude can remain positive and productive. Always make sure to keep that in mind.
5. Your Enthusiasm
These days, when someone asks me what should be a deal-breaker in a relationship, one of the things that I say with, pardon the pun, off-the-charts enthusiasm is, well, enthusiasm. I can't tell you how many married couples I deal with who are on the verge of ending things and a big part of it is because they feel like their spouse lacks enthusiasm ("intense and eager enjoyment, interest, or approval"). It could be a lack of enthusiasm when it comes to their goals and dreams. It could be lack of enthusiasm in the bedroom. It could be a lack of enthusiasm in them, period.
While on the surface, enthusiasm may not seem like all that big of a deal, the reality is, it's hard to start or finish things in excellence if enthusiasm is lacking. That's why you need folks who are supportive, who totally have your back and who are consistently cheering you along the way.
Ladies, I hate to say it, but oftentimes the lack of enthusiasm in a marriage tends to come from our side (at least with marriages I deal with). Again, enthusiasm makes up our spirit man (and woman), so it's natural for us to want to build up walls against people who lack enjoyment, interest and approval of us. If you are an enthusiasm-drainer, there's no time like the present to change that. If you're wasting precious time trying to get others to be enthusiastic about you and what you've got going on…that's definitely something to think long and hard about because it is definitely doing a number on your spirit. Not in a good way either, sis.
6. Your Heart
This one is interesting because, oftentimes, when people (especially women), think of their heart, they think of it in the context of love and relationships. Since that is the case, I will say that one way to protect your heart is to actually learn from your past experiences. When it comes to brokenness, people, especially women, are actually pretty resilient. It's not usually one person who takes us out but a pattern that we've been repeating and/or ignoring. If that sentence just "pricked" you on some level, make sure that you take heed to what you're allowing to be done over and over that is harming you—mind, body and/or soul.
However, by definition, your heart is the center of your emotions. And while, I'm personally not big on letting our emotions rule our decisions (shoot, even the Bible warns us to not follow our heart because it has the tendency to be deceitful—Jeremiah 17:9-10), I do like how one article stated that our emotions are how we communicate to other people. So, you know what that means, right? Since a good communicator listens well; practices empathy with others; seeks clarity; is aware of their body language; is knowledgeable in what they speak on and about; can be the teacher as well as the student when necessary; is tone-conscious; tries to avoid misunderstandings as much as possible; pays attention to patterns; can receive constructive criticism and, is open to receiving new ideas—you have to protect your heart by surrounding yourself with people who strive to communicate well with you as you seek to do the same thing with them.
A lot of personal and professional relationships are destroyed due to poor communication. At the end of the day, it's because people don't recognize how much bad communication damages the spirit.
7. Your Resolve
OK, let me start this one off by saying, it's one thing to be resolved; it's another thing to be stubborn. Don't confuse the two. It's an epidemic, how many people are so prideful and egotistical that they can't be advised on anything. That is definitely not what I'm referring to here. No, what I mean by resolve is "to come to a definite or earnest decision about" your core values, needs and how you want to live out your life's purpose. If you are single and desire a life partner, before you can find someone who truly complements you, you've got to be resolved in who you are as a person.
And, when it comes to resolve overall, it's easier to figure out what you want your personal and professional life to look like once you are resolved in what you desire out of this life. Yeah, it makes total sense why resolve is a synonym for spirit. Our decisions determine the quality of our life.
A lot of information is provided on how to care for one's body. But what does that matter if our spirit is damaged? It's not only relevant to protect your spirit, it is essential. So much of who you are is within your spirit. Protect it—without reservation or apology. Those who honor your spirit will only support—and respect—you for doing so. Make sure you do the same for them. Again, spirit is life.
Want more stories like this? Sign up for our newsletter here and check out the related reads below:
I've Got Some Ways For You To Start Pampering Your Soul
Here's How To Stop Worrying So Freakin' Much
What Loving Yourself Actually Looks Like
What's The Difference Between Being 'Religious' And Being 'Spiritual', Anyway?
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Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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Less & Less Of Us Have Close Friends These Days. Why Is That?
German philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche once said, “It is not a lack of love, but a lack of friendship that makes unhappy marriages.” At close to two decades of working with married couples, I agree with this man 1000 percent. It’s actually the main motivation for why I once penned, “Are You Sure You're Actually FRIENDS With Your Spouse?” because, the reality is, if you’re not friends with the person who you vowed to share every aspect of your life with, for the rest of your life, it’s going to be very difficult (if not damn near impossible) to honor that level of commitment. Without question, I will now and forever die on the hill that if you like your partner, you can make it through the not-so-in-love-right-now moments. Vice versa? Eh…not so much.
A basis for why I feel this way? Another quote immediately comes to mind. Famed author Jane Austen once wrote: “There is nothing I would not do for those who are really my friends. I have no notion of loving people by halves, it is not my nature.” You know, back when I also wrote “10 Things You Should Absolutely Expect From Your Friendships” for the platform, I shared that some of the traits of a friend — a real friend — include loyalty, honesty and compassion. And if you can’t say that your spouse is this way (as they say the same thing about you), chile…what is y’all doin’ over there?
So, why am I talking about marriage when this article is supposed to be about friendship? It’s because, something that life has taught me, kinda sorta the hard way, is we should vet potential friends — especially close friends — almost like we would a spouse.
And if you keep reading, I think you’ll get why I framed the intro in the way that I did.
Why Friendships Are Still Hella Essential
GiphyOkay, so before I get into why it seems that people have fewer friends than they ever had before, let me just say that, even as an ambivert who enjoys my own company and has absolutely no problem with being alone a good amount of the time, every personality type needs friends. That’s not just my opinion;science makes it a fact. Not only do studies support thathealthy friendships help us to feel more satisfied with our lives, but they can also reduce our chances of experiencing depression, stress, and anxiety and they increase longevity overall.
This is why — without going too deep because it’s kind of another topic for another time — it’s important to not allow past hurts and disappointments from former friends (or folks you thought were your friends) to cause you to build up walls as you declare that you don’t need anyone. When you do that, all you’re really doing is working against your own health and well-being. The saying that “no man (or woman) is an island”? It is absolutely true.
That said, even if it’s just a couple of people, make sure that you’ve got individuals in your life who you can call a friend and, in turn, they can say the very same thing about you, okay?
Are All of Those People Your Actual Friends? Or Do You Just Happen to Know a Lot of Folks?
GiphyAight but what if you happen to be someone who swings on the other side of few? Meaning, if someone were to ask you how many friends you had, you’d quickly declare that you’ve got too many to count. Listen, not to patronize or anything yet, but whenever I hear folks (especially if they are over 35) say something along those lines, it takes me back to high school — a time when so many of us thought that so long as we knew a ton of folks and/or we were popular, clearly, we had many friends.
Wisdom and pure ole’ dealing with humans on a consistent basis will teach you that an article that I wrote a few years back for the platform has a title that is spot-on: “According To Experts, We Only Have A Few Friends — Here's Why.” According to it, the average American (based on a survey that was conducted) has somewhere around 16 friends. Oh, but wait. Last fall, I wrote another article for the platform entitled, “What's The 'Five Friendship Theory' All About?” According to it, if you’re someone who takes the word “friend” and the responsibility that comes along with it very seriously and quite literally, as an adult, you can probably only maintain about five close friendships.
Why? Well, that brings in another article that I once wrote: “Life Taught Me That True Friendships Are 'Inconvenient.'” Chile, I don’t know about y’all but my friends know that if I call you that, you can call me in the middle of the night, and you can have money towards your rent (I’m not your mama but we all have hard times sometimes) and I’m gonna have your back in a way where you’ll wonder where you stop and I start — and no, I don’t have a lot of bandwidth for a ton of those people.
Okay, but what if you’re someone who is like, “I know that I have more than 16 and definitely more than five friends, no question”? The next thing that I would encourage you to explore is a theory by Aristotle (check out “According To Aristotle, We Need ‘Utility’, ‘Pleasure’ & ‘Good’ Friends”). Without even realizing it, many of us have people who we use the word “friend” for when…it’s kind of like how social media apps say “friend”: we’re familiar with one another and enjoy some of the same things, we might even have some of the same goals; at the same time, though, we’re not “all-encompassing friends.” We just get along really well at work (utility friends) or like to go to brunch at the same spots sometimes (pleasure friends).
Taking all of this into account, are you sure that you have a ton of actual friends? Or do you just happen to know a lot of people and you use that word for the lack of having another?
And that brings me to my next point.
There’s A LOT of Space Between “Friend” and “Enemy”
GiphyIf you read a lot of my friendship content, something that you will notice me saying quite a bit is that there is quite a bit of space between friend and enemy. It needs to be mentioned, as often as possible, because there are some people who get offended if you don’t consider them to be a friend — and that is unfortunate. I say that because the conclusion shouldn’t automatically be that they are your enemy just because “friend” isn’t what immediately comes to your mind.
They can be an acquaintance. They can be “cool people.” There is someone in my life who, while we’re not friends in the traditional sense, we are each other’s confidant; years ago, we agreed that we would be the place to tell each other whatever and it would stay between us — that is the main purpose that we serve in each other’s lives. Some people, you may consider to be spiritual family in the sense that you care for them and have some deeply profound things in common and still, they are not exactly a friend (I mean, a lot of blood relatives aren’t “friends” with each other).
All I’m trying to say here is we’re all too old now to only put folks in two boxes when it comes to this particular relational dynamic: friend or enemy. So, take some time out to seriously reflect on what you consider the various people in your life to be. I can promise you from personal experience that the sooner you know and the clearer you are, the easier it will be on everybody — because needs and expectations will be clear to you (and them once you articulate them) too.
What Got Folks to Having Less Friends? The Pandemic Plays a Significant Part.
GiphySo finally on to what inspired this piece to begin with. A part of it was an article that was published last year by Big Think entitled, “Americans more than ever have no friends. Here are 5 steps to make more friends.” Another was something that The New Yorker published back in 2021; it’s entitled “What COVID did to friendship.” Y’all don’t have enough time and I don’t have enough space to get into the fact that, just because the media may be talking about it less, that doesn’t mean that we’re not still in a pandemic.
In fact,one article stated my thoughts on it quite well when it said, “The real question, then, is not whether COVID is still a pandemic, but how much COVID illness and death are we willing to accept?” SMDH. And one of the things that has come with experiencing COVID is an interesting type of PTSD: detachment. There are plenty of articles out here to support the fact that my saying that is not merely my opinion.
Even according to the American Psychological Association, loneliness damn near skyrocketed, especially during lockdown and, unfortunately, a lot of people have not recovered from it. That’s why it did not surprise me at all when I read that more than ever, many people do not consider anyone to be a best friend; fewer people are relying on friends for any type of real support, and there is a semi-steady decline in people having friends, especially quality friendships, overall.
In fact, as far as close friends go, currently, close to 50 percent of Americans say that they only have three or fewer, and a relevant contributor to that was what the pandemic revealed as far as people’s proactive participation in other individuals’ lives (I actually read that young women were the ones who lost touch with friends during the peak of the pandemic the most). I also thought it was interesting that some studies cite that 12 percent of Americans say that they don’t have any friends at all.
Is the pandemic the only cause? No. So are things like people working more hours and spending more time online than they probably should (which also increased due to the pandemic, though). To that, Teen Vogue once published, “Social Media Is Impacting IRL Friendships” and Healthline once published, “Social Media Is Killing Your Friendships.” Then we also have to factor in having families of our own which can also take up a lot of time, and that sometimes can cause us to forget to nurture our friendships; so, before you know it, they fade to black. Not due to a fallout or anything, just…life.
And all of this? Some people are saying that it has led to what is known as a “friendship recession.” A huge flag about that is there are reports that a drop in close friends can cultivate a type of loneliness that is just as health hazardous as smoking a whopping 15 cigarettes a day. Not good, y’all. Not. Good.
Quality over Quantity Is Key. Just Make Sure That You Have a Friend or Two.
GiphyOkay, so what is my overall point? That’s a fair question. Just like sometimes “life life-ing” can make us forget to tend to our friendships, if you don’t stumble across content like this, you might not even realize that you’re feeling mentally stressed, emotionally strained, or super isolated and it’s all because you need to prioritize your friendships — because your mind, body, and spirit need them. Again, science has proved it.
At the same time, if, like a client of mine, you find yourself getting a little bit paranoid because you have noticed that over the past several years, your close friend count has been far less than what it used to be, this article proves that you are absolutely not (pardon the pun) alone. Honestly, there’s nothing wrong with having a very small circle of friends because quality is gonna beat out quantity every time; you just need to assess when it happened and why so that you can be sure that you are choosing it to play out that way and it’s not due to some underlying cause that you hadn’t taken into consideration — until now.
An Italian priest by the name of Thomas Aquinas once said, “The happy man in this life needs friends.” Even if it’s just one or two people, please make sure that you have folks who aren’t just your friend but your very close friend. You need them. They need you.
Everyone else, figure out where they fall and nurture accordingly. Life is a lot. We all get by with the help of our friends. Real talk, y’all. Thank goodness for them.
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