I love Black men. It’s a full-stop statement, and I will never try to justify or defend it. Honestly, I shouldn’t have to. And the more that I study them (yes, literally), the more I counsel them, the more that I converse with them — the more I see that they have so many layers to them.
Why isn’t this discussed more? Quite frankly, I think that it’s because a lot of people don’t ask Black men things; they assume. And so, in response, the guys are like, “When you care enough to bring the topic up to us directly, that’s when we’ll happily answer your questions.” And that’s why I pitch and pen pieces like this one here — because while society is out here acting like men have a one-track mind when it comes to topics such as sex, as you’re about to see, that couldn’t be further from the truth.
Yeah, T-and-A ain’t all that guys care about when it comes to what happens in the bedroom. But hey — don’t take my word for it. You’ve got 12 Black men, right here, who readily expounded on the topic…and you might be (pleasantly) surprised by what they had to say.
*Middle names are always used in my interview pieces so that people can speak comfortably and freely*
Giphy1. Stone. 34. Divorced.
“I’ve never understood why women think that all we think about or want is sex. If that were the case, why would any of us marry because there is more sex that doesn’t require a commitment out here than ever? We’re stimulated visually, sex is an important part of a relationship, but a woman needs to bring more to the table than just body parts. Once guys get out of college, they prioritize sex differently because the right woman can take you to heaven while the wrong woman can make life a living hell — and your sexual choices dictate a lot of that. I’m glad you asked me this question. Many women assume that all men are sexually driven and shallow; there’s more to us than people think if they would just…ask.”
2. Roderickson. 27. Single.
“I think women have it wrong about what makes for good p-ssy, personally. Yes, wetness and how it feels on my shaft are important but it’s way more than that. A woman who is present and energized is who stands out for me. Someone who flows with you. It’s not even about how many positions you know or how good your head game is. Again, those are valid too. But when there is a chemistry that’s unmatched, that’s when she’s got some of the best in the game — and for each man, that connection is going to be different.”
Giphy3. Baraz. 30. Married.
“We don’t want sex if you don’t want it, so the turn-over-sigh thing that some of y’all do that says, ‘Sure, just hurry up’ — keep that. No matter how horny we might be, men who enjoy the entire sexual experience want a woman who wants to be there…ALL THERE. We don’t want to feel like we’re violating you just to ejaculate. It does nothing for the relationship or our self-esteem.”
4. Wyston. 33. Single.
“Not every man likes sex the same way. I don’t think every person does. That’s why the whole discussion about what it means to be great in bed is silly because what worked for your ex may not work for me. We need time to get to figure out what ‘our thing’ is. Egos in the bedroom don’t work. Being ‘good’ is a case-by-case basis.”
Giphy5. Paul. 40. Married.
“I think women are way harder on their bodies than we are. My ex-wife withheld sex for almost a year after our son was born because she said that she was uncomfortable with her body. Did it change? It did. Did that stop me from wanting her? It didn’t. She was so paranoid about her breasts, stretch marks, and extra weight around her tummy, and all I saw was the woman who gave me the best gift ever. Her body changing didn’t destroy our relationship; her trying to project her issues onto me eventually did.”
6. Davon. 49. Divorced.
“It’s hard out here as a Black man. We always have to be on guard. What a lot of women don’t get about sex is it’s the few times when we can fully relax and take off the shield. That’s why we don’t handle sexual rejection well because it’s not just about ‘getting off’ — we are coming with all of our vulnerabilities, hoping that there can be a few moments when we don’t have to think about all of the stresses of life. More women should ask men about why sex matters so much to them. They’d be shook to find out.”
Giphy7. Ansel. 25. In a Serious Relationship.
“Sex is always going to be better with someone we’re emotionally connected with. When I think about some of the best sex that I’ve had that was nothing but sex, it doesn’t compare to the sex that I’m having now that isn’t all of the ‘bells and whistles’ but it is way more intimate. Men like intimacy too. Probably the biggest assumption that’s made about us is we don’t.”
8. Cordale. 30. Engaged.
“We hate when you fake it. Sometimes we can tell but when we’re caught up, we can’t and it doesn’t make us feel good when we find out that you did it only to get the sex over with or you didn’t want to hurt our feelings. What hurts our feelings is we weren’t able to please you. Don’t bark orders at us but do tell us what you need. We can’t read your minds but we do want to please you; that’s what gets us off even more.”
Giphy9. Malachi. 42. Divorced.
“Dr. Myles Munroe used to say that men need sex. WE DO. We don’t just need it for a release; though. Jacking off can accomplish that. We want to feel a woman — really feel her. A beautiful, feminine woman who has strong sexual energy and enjoys a man is powerful. Some women really don’t know their power, I swear.”
10. Zachary. 28. In a Serious Relationship.
“Men like foreplay. What we don’t like is when women act like foreplay is only about pleasing them. No one wants oral for just a couple of minutes. We don’t just want to be kissed on our mouth either. Sometimes we want our partners to switch things up and come up with something really creative. Just jumping in and out? That’s about a nut. When you want to have good sex, the foreplay game has got to be on point.”
GiphyDavid. 29. Single.
“What man doesn’t like sex? S-it. We can go without it, though; especially if it’s not good sex. And good sex isn’t just about how you have sex with someone; it’s also about how into you they are when you have it with them. If you’re gonna have sex with me like you’re doing me a favor, I’ll pass. We’ve got more self-control than women think. We also value ourselves more than we’re given credit for.”
Taos. 35. Married.
“What I love the most about my wife [as far as sex is concerned] is I don’t have to initiate all of the time. Sometimes I do. A lot of the time she does. It makes me feel, not just that she really enjoys sex but that she truly desires me. Ladies, initiate sex more and watch what it does for your relationship. Just think about how you would feel if you had to ‘get things started’ all of the time? Not wanted, right? We are not different. Initiating goes a long way. You’ll see that I’m right if you give it a shot.”
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Okay, so question: When’s the last time you’ve talked to the men in your world about the assumptions that are made about them regarding sex vs. how they actually think and feel? Treat yourself to one of those sometimes. It could be just what you need in order to debunk some myths in order to improve your own views on men and sex — and ultimately your sex life, as a whole. After all, healthy communication is the key to healthy intimacy, right? Exactly.
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Anyway, I personally think that the less shallow folks out here may contemplate calling things “quits” or they at least distance themselves a bit from their partner (and what I’m referring to is serious relationships) due to all of the stress and strain that oftentimes comes with the holidays whether it be financial, familial, due to their tight schedules or something else.
Listen, I would hate for you and your man to miss the fun and happiness of experiencing this time of year, all because you are so overwhelmed or irritated that you can’t really enjoy it. That’s why I have a few practical tips for how to avoid allowing the typical holiday season stress from INFECTING your relationship.
Manage Your Expectations
GiphyUnmanaged expectations. If there is a main reason why the holiday season tends to be so stress-filled for so many people, I’d bet good money that this is the cause. And when you’re in a long-term relationship, expectations can manifest themselves in all sorts of cryptic and/or unexpected ways. You might have relatives who assume that you are going to be with them for Thanksgiving or Christmas when you have other plans in mind. You might be thinking that you are going to spend one amount for presents while your man is thinking something totally different. When it comes to scheduling, your signals may be crossed.
And you know what? To all of these scenarios, this is where clear and consistent communication come in. Don’t assume anything. Don’t dictate anything either. From now until New Year’s, mutually decide to check in once a week, just to make sure that you are both on the same page as it relates to the holidays and what you both are thinking will come along with it. The less blindsided you both feel, the less stressed out you will be. Trust me on this.
Set (and Keep) a Budget
GiphyOkay, so I read that last year, 36 percent of Americans incurred some type of holiday-related debt. Hmph. Last year, there was still some sense of normalcy in this country, chile, so I can only imagine what finances are gonna look like over the next several weeks. That said, since I don’t know a lot of people who don’t find being broke stressful, make sure that you and your bae set a budget and then stick to it this year — no ifs, ands or buts.
Because really, y’all — it doesn’t make sense to deplete savings and/or max out credit cards for a few days of giggles only to be damn near losing your mind because you don’t know how to make ends meet come Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Day.
And by the way, this tip doesn’t just speak to things like food and gifts; I also mean travel. If it doesn’t make a ton of sense (or cents) to be all over the place this year — DON’T BE.
Keep Matthew 5:37 at the Forefront
GiphyIf off the top of your head, you don’t know what Matthew 5:37 says, no worries, here ya go: “But let your ‘Yes’ be ‘Yes,’ and your ‘No,’ ‘No.’ For whatever is more than these is from the evil one.” That verse right there? Oh, it’s a boundaries lifesaver! I say that because do you see “maybe” or “I’ll think about it” in there? Nope. LOL. It says that you should tell people “yes” or “no” and leave it at that — and that complements Anne Lamott’s quote, “’No’ is a complete sentence” impeccably well. Yeah, you’ve got to remember that anything beyond a yes or no to a request is privileged information; you don’t owe anyone details or an explanation.
Besides, if you are really honest with yourself, when someone asks you something and you give a “Umm, let me think about it” kind of reply, more times than not, you already know what your answer is going to be — so why not let you both off of the hook? Give your response. Commit to that. And let everyone (including yourself) get on with their lives and schedules.
I promise you that when it comes to those holiday parties, you are pissing more folks off by not RSVP’ing or doing so and not showing up than just saying, “Thank you but not this year” off the rip.
Remember That Your Personal Space Is Privilege Not a Right
GiphyA friend of mine recently bought a new house and invited me over to come see it. He’s a single man with no children, so as I was taking in all of the space that he had, especially as I walked through his finished basement, I joked about relatives coming to live with him. “Hell no” and “absolutely not” were pretty much his immediate responses as he went on to say that some folks even had the nerve to be offended when he told them that he had no intentions on taking DNA in.
Ain’t it wild how people think that your stuff is their right? And yes, that brings me to my next point. Your home is your sanctuary space. If you want to host folks this year — cool. If not, ALSO COOL. Please don’t let folks (family included) guilt you into how they want you to act or even into what they would do if the shoe was on the other foot. You are not them — and as one of my favorite quotes states, “If two people were exactly alike, one of them would be unnecessary.” (A man by the name Larry Dixon said that.)
Hell, my friends? They know that I am good for sending them random things that they need or even want all throughout the year. Coming over to hang out at my pace, though. Uh-uh. Chalk it up to being a card-carrying member of the ambivert club yet I like keeping my living space personal — and I sleep like a baby, each and every night, for feeling that way.
Always remember that your space, your time, your resources, your energy and shoot, yourself period (including your relationship), are all things that are your own. You get to choose how, when and why you want to share them. The holiday season is certainly no exception.
Cultivate Some “You Two Only” Traditions
GiphyIt’s not uncommon for some couples to hit me up after the holiday season to “detox.” Sometimes it’s due to the financial drama (and sometimes trauma) that they experienced. Sometimes it’s because they allowed their relatives (especially in-laws) to get more into their personal business than they should’ve. More than anything, though, it tends to be because they didn’t get enough quality time together and so ended up feeling “disconnected.”
Please don’t let that happen. Listen, I’m not even a holidays kind of woman and yet, I will absolutely sit myself down with some hot chocolate and chocolate chip cookies to enjoy a Hallmark holiday film or two. Aside from the fact that most of them are lighthearted and sweet, I also like that they usually focus on couples loving on each other amidst all of the holiday beauty and ambiance — which is something that all couples should set aside some time to do.
Maybe it’s a vacation. Maybe it’s a staycation. Or maybe it’s my personal favorite, A SEXCATION. Whether it’s for a few days, the weekend or even overnight — don’t you let the holidays go by without setting aside time for you and your man to celebrate one another. Don’t you dare (check out “Are You Ready To Have Some Very Merry 'Christmas Sex'?”).
GET. SOME. REST.
GiphyI once read that 8 out of 10 people get stressed out over the holidays and 3 out of 10 lose sleep during to it — and when you’re stress-filled and sleep-deprived, that can absolutely lead to hypersensitivity, making mountains out of molehills and even not being in the mood for sex.
Your relationship can’t afford to go through any of this, so definitely make sure to prioritize rest. I don’t care how unrealistic it might seem during this time, sleep should never be seen as a luxury; it will always and forever be a great necessity.
That said, try to get no less than six hours of shut-eye in (check out “6 Fascinating Ways Sex And Sleep Definitely Go Hand In Hand”) and even ask your bae to take a nap with you sometimes (check out “Wanna Have Some Next-Level Sex? Take A Nap, Sis.”). Not only will sleep help to restore your mind, body and spirit but, when it’s with your partner, it’s an act of intimacy that can make you both feel super connected, even in the midst of what might feel like chaos.
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Holiday season stress is real. Still, never give it the permission or power to throw your relationship off. Put you and your man first and let the holidays be what they are gonna be, chile.
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