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How Do You Repair The Damage After A Friend Fight? 5 ‘Insecure’ Fans Sound-Off

The biggest breakup of 2020 has us all in our feelings.

Culture & Entertainment

It took me several days to recover from Issa and Molly's epic friend breakup at the block party (tbh, I still have PTSD every time I think about it). So, it's only right this week's episode of Insecure turned things down a few notches and took us through the aftermath of the situation.

Spoiler alert…

This episode picks up the very next day after the block party blowup. We see Issa go through all the motions to get over her fight with Molly by trying to distract herself with some coronavirus-level home cleaning, a paint and sip that turns into a dine and dash, and few other good doings gone awry. At the end of the episode, she finds herself literally facing Molly sitting inside their favorite Ethopian eatery. Instead, of confronting her though, she decides to walk away.

The real-life Nathan played by actor, Kendrick Sampson, summed it up best for me with his tweet above. While I'm telling my friends how I'm stressed AF waiting for Issa and Molly to just say all the things they need to say to each other, I'm also an Issa Dee. Meaning, I avoid confrontation like it's the 'rona, especially when I'm hurt by the situation. In order to reconcile, it takes vulnerability and being able to verbalize your point without losing your cool—these are not my strong suits. I need time to gather myself together and sometimes even the perfect opportunity presents itself, if I'm not ready I'll retreat. In short, if the other party involved is waiting for me to speak up, they're going to be waiting a LONG time.

My advice from experience: Don't be an Issa Dee.

We have yet to get Molly's POV, which looks like (from the preview) it's coming next week, so I can't tell you whether or not to follow her lead but I did reach out to some Insecure fans to ask:

How do you repair the damage after a friend fight? Do you break the ice or wait for the other person to?

Taking Responsibility For Your Part Is The First Step

"In the past, when I've had an argument with a friend that caused us to not speak for a while, she invited me out to dinner to apologize and hash things out. I think taking responsibility for your words and actions is the first step to reconciling with a friend after a fight.

"If neither person does that, then I don't really see how you can move on and have a healthy friendship, if you even had one at all.

"In my experience, people lose friendships because no one thinks they're wrong or they're waiting for the other person to reach out to them. If you value the person and love them, just reach out. If you have a friendship like Molly and Issa's, then I think there's a chance to reconcile if the two people come with an open heart and take responsibility for their part in the disruption of the friendship." –Ayana Gotay

Sometimes You Will Have To Humble Yourself

"Repairing a friendship after a fight can be tricky. Sometimes you need to clear your head space, give yourself a day or two. But don't let too much time pass because, like Kelli said, the longer you wait the harder it is to fix. If the friendship is important to you, sometimes you will have to humble yourself and apologize or at least open the door for a conversation to be had with a simple 'hello, can we talk' text or call." –AmiyahDeziire, Author, Midnight Confessions

Talk About It Over A Bite To Eat

"I know myself and it usually takes me about two days to get over something. If you were really my friend, I'm going to hit you up and ask you, 'Are you hungry?' If the answer is 'yes', then let's go get something to eat and hash it out." –Marco Cayetano,Sales, Vast Auto

Life Is Too Short To Be Carrying Beefs

"[I have] zero problem being the bigger man. [I'm] way too old and life is too short be to carrying beefs at this point in my life. A quick text or a call; whatever's gonna get the job done. Nine of out ten [times], the issue isn't even that serious and is a result of a misunderstanding. So, my advice to everyone is don't let issues linger and squash the beef and get to the [root of the] problem." –Nagier Chambers, YouTuber, Big Gold Belt Media

No Half-Ass Apology… We Are Meeting Face To Face

"To be honest, if I was Issa I would confront Molly (maybe not the next day, way too soon) but I would get my thoughts together and replay everything in my head that went wrong. I would ask myself, 'What did I do/what did I say/when did I start feeling some type of way?' I would hold myself accountable for my actions, therefore I can understand where the other person is coming from. I would also get a second opinion, because that individual can put into perspective the cause of the fight.

"The phrase 'it's not you, it's me' could be the main reason for the argument.

"Molly and Issa could be fighting personal demons and insecurities within themselves, that don't pertain to their friendship. Regarding repairing a relationship/friendship, everyone involved has to give 100%. No half-ass apology, we are meeting face to face, we are communicating efficiently, and comprehending thoroughly. And if it's worth fighting for, you will find a way to reconcile, and move forward." –Kateri Fischer, On-Air Scheduling Coordinator, BET Networks

Featured image via Insecure/HBO

When I was ten, my Sunday school teacher put on a brief performance in class that included some of the boys standing in front of the classroom while she stood in front of them holding a heart shaped box of chocolate. One by one, she tells each boy to come and bite a piece of candy and then place the remainder back into the box. After the last boy, she gave the box of now mangled chocolate over to the other Sunday school teacher — who happened to be her real husband — who made a comically puzzled face. She told us that the lesson to be gleaned from this was that if you give your heart away to too many people, once you find “the one,” that your heart would be too damaged. The lesson wasn’t explicitly about sex but the implication was clearly present.

That memory came back to me after a flier went viral last week, advertising an abstinence event titled The Close Your Legs Tour with the specific target demo of teen girls came across my Twitter timeline. The event was met with derision online. Writer, artist, and professor Ashon Crawley said: “We have to refuse shame. it is not yours to hold. legs open or not.” Writer and theologian Candice Marie Benbow said on her Twitter: “Any event where 12-17-year-old girls are being told to ‘keep their legs closed’ is a space where purity culture is being reinforced.”

“Purity culture,” as Benbow referenced, is a culture that teaches primarily girls and women that their value is to be found in their ability to stay chaste and “pure”–as in, non-sexual–for both God and their future husbands.

I grew up in an explicitly evangelical house and church, where I was taught virginity was the best gift a girl can hold on to until she got married. I fortunately never wore a purity ring or had a ceremony where I promised my father I wouldn’t have pre-marital sex. I certainly never even thought of having my hymen examined and the certificate handed over to my father on my wedding day as “proof” that I kept my promise. But the culture was always present. A few years after that chocolate-flavored indoctrination, I was introduced to the fabled car anecdote. “Boys don’t like girls who have been test-driven,” as it goes.

And I believed it for a long time. That to be loved and to be desired by men, it was only right for me to deny myself my own basic human desires, in the hopes of one day meeting a man that would fill all of my fantasies — romantically and sexually. Even if it meant denying my queerness, or even if it meant ignoring how being the only Black and fat girl in a predominantly white Christian space often had me watch all the white girls have their first boyfriends while I didn’t. Something they don’t tell you about purity culture – and that it took me years to learn and unlearn myself – is that there are bodies that are deemed inherently sinful and vulgar. That purity is about the desire to see girls and women shrink themselves, make themselves meek for men.

Purity culture isn’t unlike rape culture which tells young girls in so many ways that their worth can only be found through their bodies. Whether it be through promiscuity or chastity, young girls are instructed on what to do with their bodies before they’ve had time to figure themselves out, separate from a patriarchal lens. That their needs are secondary to that of the men and boys in their lives.

It took me a while —after leaving the church and unlearning the toxic ideals around purity culture rooted in anti-Blackness, fatphobia, heteropatriarchy, and queerphobia — to embrace my body, my sexuality, and my queerness as something that was not only not sinful or dirty, but actually in line with the vision God has over my life. Our bodies don't stop being our temples depending on who we do or who we don’t let in, and our worth isn’t dependent on the width of our legs at any given point.

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