When I was eighteen years old, I became hyper-aware of my weight. Mainly because I wanted to be a "model." I spent so many years taking in the images of beauty the media threw at me that I didn't even realize how I affect I was by the thin frames of the white women that were imprinted on the glossy pages.
Next thing I knew, I was only eating once a day. Then food became the energy, and I gave up eating at all. Most days I felt like I was going to pass out and the hunger headaches were so painful I could barely function. In my mind, this was the only way to the career I wanted so badly. Since I wasn't losing the weight as fast as I wanted, I moved into taking diet pills. Then, I started throwing up after each meal I ate. The weight came off, but in my mind, I was still "fat" and could stand to lose more.
My eating disorder eventually got so bad, I flunked out of my sophomore year of college and had to move back home. My mom comes from an old school way of thinking, and she'd cook and sit and watch me eat every meal at the kitchen table, and wouldn't let me out of her sight until my food had digested. Now, this did help me put the weight back on, but it didn't get to the root of my issue.
What was triggering my need to be "skinny" at any cost?
As I got older, I realized that much of the time I became overwhelmed with needed to lose weight when I booked a job, needed to take new headshots, or just looked in the mirror after a hard day. I wanted to be perfect which we all know there is no such thing.
In my mid-twenties, I made a choice that I had to gain some control over the way I saw myself.
I threw out the scale. I stopped counting calories. I ate whatever I wanted whenever I wanted, and I asked people around me not to comment on my weight whether I was gaining or losing it. Any comment could send me into a downward spiral.
Fast forward to now, I have put on some pounds because I have been allowing myself the freedom to enjoy getting to know new places through eating. Y'all I love food, and I'm not ashamed to say it and enjoy it. But, the clothes that I've been able to wear the last ten years don't fit as well as they used to and initially, that made me want to lose weight to fit back into them. But, for what? To say that I can still wear my clothes from my freshman year of college? Am I afraid to hear the comments about my weight gain? Am I letting my jeans' size define me?
All of the above are true.
This week, I made a choice similar to that of throwing out the scale —to give up my size two and four jeans.
Now, I know some of you may be thinking, "This skinny bitch is upset she doesn't fit into a size 2 or 4 anymore?" The answer to that is no. I'm not upset, but I am just like any other woman in the world dealing with gaining weight. We all have, and this has been one long ingrained in me.
I took a trip to Zara on Saturday morning (Pro TIp: Get there around 11 am to avoid the fitting room line.) and picked up two of every 100% cotton jeans in the store in a 38 and 40, which are a size 6 and 8 in US sizes.
Writer Bianca Lambert / xoNecole
In some of their cuts I was a size 6 and some I was an 8. In the classic mom jeans, which I love, I was an 8. Now, a few years ago, seeing that number imprinted on the tag of denim would have sent me into a dieting and workout frenzy. But, this time was different. I looked in the mirror and felt good — not to mention the jeans made me feel like a total babe.
The next day, I went to update my headshots and rocked my size 8 jeans with confidence.
As we age, weight gain, cellulite, saggy boobs, stretch marks, etc. are normal, and we don't have to live up to these unrealistic ideals that women are supposed to be perfect with perfect bodies. That just ain't real no matter what the IG models try to tell you.
Will I still be working out and eating well? Yes, but the goal isn't weight loss. The goal is to keep my mind and body feeling its best, no matter what size denim I'm wearing.
Want more stories like this? Sign up for our weekly newsletter here to receive our latest articles and news straight to your inbox.
Featured image by Getty Images
- Ayesha Curry's 35-Pound Weight-Loss Transformation - xoNecole: Women's Interest, Love, Wellness, Beauty ›
- Ayesha Curry's Weight Loss Transformation - xoNecole: Women's Interest, Love, Wellness, Beauty ›
- How To Style Blue Jeans: 4 Cute Outfits - xoNecole: Women's Interest, Love, Wellness, Beauty ›
- How To Rebuild Wardrobe After Weight Loss - xoNecole: Women's Interest, Love, Wellness, Beauty ›
RELATED
Â
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LISTÂ HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for daily love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
The origin of the word "discipline" can be traced back to the Latin word "disciplina," which means "instruction" or "teaching." Over time, however, discipline has come to be synonymous with punishment, with parents relying on shame, fear, and/or physical pain to curb undesirable behavior.
Teaching takes time, so nipping it in the bud in whatever fashion parents deem necessary (within reason) has become the norm. But is this what’s best for children? And when does it become less about curbing undesirable behavior and more about getting our licks back for offenses we feel our children should know better to do?
In my work as a parenting coach, I’ve often heard parents say, “I asked him nicely three times before spanking him. He didn’t stop doing it until I did, so clearly talking doesn’t work.”
And the parent isn’t wrong. Talking often doesn’t work the first, the third, or the even the 10th time. And the reason is directly tied to brain development.
Children cannot and do not process information the way an adult can. Auditory processing is not fully developed until a child is 14 or 15 years old. And even then, if a child has auditory processing delays or Auditory Processing Disorder (APD), they may always struggle with processing auditory commands. According to Susie S. Loraine, MA, CCC-SLP, the term auditory processing refers to how the brain perceives and interprets sound information. Several skills determine auditory processing ability—or listening success. They develop in a general four-step hierarchy, but all work together and are essential for daily listening.
Without this understanding, discipline can easily become revenge because parents will then view their child’s misdeeds as a personal slight. Instead of teaching them to do better, parents now want to show them the consequences of not doing better. This is why it's imperative for parents to discern between discipline and revenge to maintain healthy relationships with their children.
5 WAYS TO DISTINGUISH BETWEEN PARENTAL GUIDANCE AND RETALIATION:Â Â
​Understanding The Intent
Discipline is rooted in love and concern for the child's well-being. It focuses on teaching lessons and helping children understand the consequences of their actions. Conversely, revenge-driven actions stem from a desire to inflict pain or punishment as payback for perceived slights or disobedience. Parents should reflect on their motives before taking disciplinary actions. Ask yourself whether your intention is to help your child learn or to make them suffer for upsetting you.
Example: If a child accidentally breaks a valuable item, a disciplinary response would involve discussing the importance of being careful and working with the child to come up with a way to replace or fix what they’ve broken. On the other hand, a vengeful reaction might involve yelling, harsh punishment, or bringing up past mistakes to intensify guilt.
​Maintaining Emotional Regulation
Effective discipline requires parents to remain calm and composed, even in challenging situations. It's natural to feel upset or frustrated when children misbehave, but responding with anger or resentment can escalate the situation and blur the line between discipline and revenge. Before addressing the issue, take a moment to breathe and collect your thoughts.
Example: If a child cannot follow instructions, a disciplined response would involve calmly explaining why their cooperation is necessary in working with the child to accomplish the goal. Conversely, a retaliatory response might involve shouting, name-calling, or resorting to physical punishment out of anger.
​Promoting Growth and Learning
Discipline should always aim to promote growth and learning. It involves guiding children toward making better choices and understanding the impact of their actions on themselves and others. Effective discipline strategies include positive reinforcement, setting clear expectations, and providing opportunities for reflection and growth.
Example: If a child repeatedly forgets to complete their chores, a disciplinary approach would involve discussing the importance of responsibility and finding solutions together, such as creating a chore chart or setting reminders with Siri or Alexa. In contrast, a revenge-driven response might involve imposing overly harsh punishments or belittling the child, which can undermine their self-esteem and hinder their ability to learn from their mistakes.
Momo Productions/Getty
Building Trust and Communication
Trust and open communication are essential components of a healthy parent-child relationship. Discipline should strengthen this bond by fostering trust and encouraging children to confide in their parents without fear of judgment or retaliation. When children feel safe and supported, they're more likely to accept discipline as a form of guidance rather than punishment.
Example: If a child admits to breaking a rule or making a mistake, a disciplined response would involve listening to their perspective, discussing the consequences of their actions, and working together to find a solution. Conversely, a retaliatory response might involve accusations, blame, or shutting down communication, which can erode trust and damage the parent-child relationship.
Seeking Professional Guidance
Parenting is a learning journey, and, disciplining children is a delicate balance between guiding them toward responsible behavior and nurturing their growth. By understanding the intent behind our actions, maintaining emotional regulation, promoting growth and learning, building trust and communication, and seeking professional guidance when needed, as parents we can help our children built on love, respect, and understanding.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Featured image by Courtney Hale/Getty Images
