This Couple Says That Your Relationship Should Make You Feel Closer To God
In xoNecole's Our First Year series, we take an in-depth look at love and relationships between couples with an emphasis on what their first year of marriage was like.
I desire to be loved wholly and intensely by a man who makes me feel closer to God. Whew, chile. Y'all didn't hear me. Let me run it back for you.
I'm talking about the kind of love that runs so deep that a man gets on his knees and prays over me every day. I want a love so patient that I know that it was divinely ordained by God every time he speaks life over me. The kind of love I'm describing is one that Trade Street Jam Co. owner, Ashley Marie and her husband, Don Rouse have been cultivating for 12 years.
The Brooklyn-based couple, who will welcome their first child in July, recently sat down with xoNecole to give us a glimpse into the first year of their modern-day love story, and according to them, it has been nothing short of an act of God. Ashley explained, "God told me he was the one so long before he proposed. I knew early on that we'd be the ones to break the cycle of divorce that our families were so accustomed to."
In our chat, Ashley and Don got real about faith, fears, finances, and how to find balance when you and your partner speak different love languages.
Here's what we learned:
The One:
Ashley: All I know is, our chemistry was so great. I fell in love with Don the way you fall asleep...slowly, and then all at once. We argued a lot in the beginning (mainly I argued because I'm an only child and I was used to getting my way). But I could never deny how good we were together any other time. Our values really did align perfectly, from schoolwork to family to finances, goals and dreams, I just knew that he made me feel really good inside. And he was so patient with me. I'd never met anyone like that before.
Don: It took me longer to realize Ashley was the one. We actually broke up because I wasn't sure where I wanted to take the relationship. During that period of separation, I learned my father was diagnosed with prostate cancer. It was tough for me as it reminded me of my brother who died from cancer and I couldn't imagine going through this situation again. My dad decided to explore Cancer Treatment Center for his situation and they do a great job of adding faith into the treatment plan. One of their methods is having you engage in activities that made you think about your spirituality. One of these activities was making tranquility beads.
So I am literally sitting with my baby sister and the instructor is telling us to add beads for people we love in our life, people who help us be better people, and people who you are willing to go through fire with. Ashley was the first person that came to my mind. That is when I realized I had f*cked up. I had to swallow my pride and make this right. Luckily she was willing.
Deepest Fears
Ashley: We differ here. I didn't have any fears...honestly!
Don: What fears? (laughs) I was scared about everything. Money, kids and a new chapter of life. When I took a step back, those fears were self-inflicted and came from the wrong perspective. When I changed my perspective on marriage and our union, it changed how I approached the next phase in our relationship.
"I was scared about everything. Money, kids and a new chapter of life. When I took a step back, those fears were self-inflicted and came from the wrong perspective. When I changed my perspective on marriage and our union, it changed how I approached the next phase in our relationship."
Baggage Claim
Ashley: I wouldn't say Don had much "baggage". Again, we were so young when we met. He did have a girl that he used to date that wouldn't really accept that they were over for a while, but she had nothing on me. I did have to unlearn some of my (what I later learned were) selfish habits. Again, I'm an only child––I've only ever had to look out for me. That kinda hit me hard over the years, having to admit that I was being selfish in some ways and learning how not to always think about myself first before others. But like I said, Don was always so patient with me, so he sat back and let me figure it out over the years while always supporting me along the way.
Don: I was used to being self-sufficient and had pride in never needing anything from anyone. However, that isn't going to work in a relationship or marriage. I had to learn to collaborate with my wife versus just solving problems/situations on my own. It is still something I have to work on almost daily.
Love Languages
Ash: I'm still learning how Don gives and receives love. I have to remind myself all the time that he won't show love like I will; he'll show it in much deeper, more meaningful ways than always outwardly expressing it to the world. But man, does he show it. Once you can understand that about your partner, you can grow so much deeper in love.
Don: Our love languages are different but there are some overlaps. I had to learn that I have to intentionally work on making sure I give her what she needs from me. And sometimes, that varies day-to-day.
"I'm still learning how Don gives and receives love. I have to remind myself all the time that he won't show love like I will; he'll show it in much deeper, more meaningful ways than always outwardly expressing it to the world. But man, does he show it. Once you can understand that about your partner, you can grow so much deeper in love."
Important Lessons
Ashley: Marriage really is like a job, one that you can never retire from. But, it can be a really beautiful job that you enjoy wholeheartedly; one that you can't wait to go to and work harder at because you know that the harder you work, the greater the reward. Also, putting God at the forefront will keep us on track forever.
Don: Marriage requires work but a lot of the work is self-reflection. Being able to understand you can't change someone but you can change what you do and how you respond to certain things. Too many times we put the blame on someone else without ever considering our role in a situation.
"Marriage really is like a job, one that you can never retire from. But, it can be a really beautiful job that you enjoy wholeheartedly; one that you can't wait to go to and work harder at because you know that the harder you work, the greater the reward. Also, putting God at the forefront will keep us on track forever."
Overcoming Challenges
Ashley: Don will probably say he mostly worried about being able to support us as a family. I didn't really struggle very much. Women are built for this––we have such maternal instincts to run a household. We had stayed together quite often before actually moving in, so they're weren't many habits that surprised me. He's always been really good at keeping his space pretty clean!
Don: I was worried about finances but we actually figured that out pretty easily. Once we got a good system, finances became less of a concern.
Best Advice
Ashley: Keep other people out of your relationship! Especially family (laughs).
Don: Make sure you increase your date nights and quality time together in your first year. A mentor of mine said it is easy to come off the high of the wedding and things fall flat. The wedding is a great time and you are on an emotional high but you have to make sure you continue that throughout your first year and beyond. We took a few extra trips during our first year and did a good job of having date nights on Friday. That extra quality time made a big difference.
Building Together
Ashley: We really want to raise a healthy, happy family and uproot as many of the systemic things from our culture and our past as we can, like racism against our own people, financial instability, divorce, abuse and more. Now that we're expecting, we have such greater purposes, and we definitely align on what those are.
Don: To raise a family that contributes to the culture. Ash and I are both about helping people, being honest and transparent. If we can establish that in our family, it is a huge win. Our relationship is really rooted in our faith. Since being married, our faith has increased and it makes the meaning of marriage a lot different.
We go through challenges like everyone, but the faith aspect gives us a different perspective on things as those challenges arise. Individually, we are both committed to being better people. We focus on getting better every day in some way and with that mentality, you can't lose.
For more Ashley and Don, follow them on Instagram!
Featured image courtesy of Instagram/@ashleymarierouse.
Taylor "Pretty" Honore is a spiritually centered and equally provocative rapper from Baton Rouge, Louisiana with a love for people and storytelling. You can probably find me planting herbs in your local community garden, blasting "Back That Thang Up" from my mini speaker. Let's get to know each other: @prettyhonore.
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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When discussing the topic of raising children, discipline is often the first thing that comes to mind. Children need discipline. Full stop. But what is discipline? And how do we draw the line between discipline and revenge?
The origin of the word "discipline" can be traced back to the Latin word "disciplina," which means "instruction" or "teaching." Over time, however, discipline has come to be synonymous with punishment, with parents relying on shame, fear, and/or physical pain to curb undesirable behavior.
Teaching takes time, so nipping it in the bud in whatever fashion parents deem necessary (within reason) has become the norm. But is this what’s best for children? And when does it become less about curbing undesirable behavior and more about getting our licks back for offenses we feel our children should know better to do?
In my work as a parenting coach, I’ve often heard parents say, “I asked him nicely three times before spanking him. He didn’t stop doing it until I did, so clearly talking doesn’t work.”
And the parent isn’t wrong. Talking often doesn’t work the first, the third, or the even the 10th time. And the reason is directly tied to brain development.
Children cannot and do not process information the way an adult can. Auditory processing is not fully developed until a child is 14 or 15 years old. And even then, if a child has auditory processing delays or Auditory Processing Disorder (APD), they may always struggle with processing auditory commands. According to Susie S. Loraine, MA, CCC-SLP, the term auditory processing refers to how the brain perceives and interprets sound information. Several skills determine auditory processing ability—or listening success. They develop in a general four-step hierarchy, but all work together and are essential for daily listening.
Without this understanding, discipline can easily become revenge because parents will then view their child’s misdeeds as a personal slight. Instead of teaching them to do better, parents now want to show them the consequences of not doing better. This is why it's imperative for parents to discern between discipline and revenge to maintain healthy relationships with their children.
5 WAYS TO DISTINGUISH BETWEEN PARENTAL GUIDANCE AND RETALIATION:
Understanding The Intent
Discipline is rooted in love and concern for the child's well-being. It focuses on teaching lessons and helping children understand the consequences of their actions. Conversely, revenge-driven actions stem from a desire to inflict pain or punishment as payback for perceived slights or disobedience. Parents should reflect on their motives before taking disciplinary actions. Ask yourself whether your intention is to help your child learn or to make them suffer for upsetting you.
Example: If a child accidentally breaks a valuable item, a disciplinary response would involve discussing the importance of being careful and working with the child to come up with a way to replace or fix what they’ve broken. On the other hand, a vengeful reaction might involve yelling, harsh punishment, or bringing up past mistakes to intensify guilt.
Maintaining Emotional Regulation
Effective discipline requires parents to remain calm and composed, even in challenging situations. It's natural to feel upset or frustrated when children misbehave, but responding with anger or resentment can escalate the situation and blur the line between discipline and revenge. Before addressing the issue, take a moment to breathe and collect your thoughts.
Example: If a child cannot follow instructions, a disciplined response would involve calmly explaining why their cooperation is necessary in working with the child to accomplish the goal. Conversely, a retaliatory response might involve shouting, name-calling, or resorting to physical punishment out of anger.
Promoting Growth and Learning
Discipline should always aim to promote growth and learning. It involves guiding children toward making better choices and understanding the impact of their actions on themselves and others. Effective discipline strategies include positive reinforcement, setting clear expectations, and providing opportunities for reflection and growth.
Example: If a child repeatedly forgets to complete their chores, a disciplinary approach would involve discussing the importance of responsibility and finding solutions together, such as creating a chore chart or setting reminders with Siri or Alexa. In contrast, a revenge-driven response might involve imposing overly harsh punishments or belittling the child, which can undermine their self-esteem and hinder their ability to learn from their mistakes.
Momo Productions/Getty
Building Trust and Communication
Trust and open communication are essential components of a healthy parent-child relationship. Discipline should strengthen this bond by fostering trust and encouraging children to confide in their parents without fear of judgment or retaliation. When children feel safe and supported, they're more likely to accept discipline as a form of guidance rather than punishment.
Example: If a child admits to breaking a rule or making a mistake, a disciplined response would involve listening to their perspective, discussing the consequences of their actions, and working together to find a solution. Conversely, a retaliatory response might involve accusations, blame, or shutting down communication, which can erode trust and damage the parent-child relationship.
Seeking Professional Guidance
Parenting is a learning journey, and, disciplining children is a delicate balance between guiding them toward responsible behavior and nurturing their growth. By understanding the intent behind our actions, maintaining emotional regulation, promoting growth and learning, building trust and communication, and seeking professional guidance when needed, as parents we can help our children built on love, respect, and understanding.
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Featured image by Courtney Hale/Getty Images