As women, we often juggle so many roles, from our jobs to our households, and many of us count it all as a normal part of living our best lives. If we want to advance, upgrade, and reach our dreams, we take the steps, make the sacrifices, and enjoy the ride.
YouTube vlogger and lifestyle influencer Ijeoma Kola knows this all too well. In the past five years, sis has married the love of her life, finished out a PhD program, gotten pregnant, and relocated to a whole 'nother country---all while running a thriving online lifestyle platform that has attracted more than 80,000 followers on IG alone. She's also launched a tourism platform to connect other women to African culture and experiences, and she has been slowly but surely transitioning to a new normal as the mother of a newborn.
We caught up with Ijeoma in this xoNecole interview to talk about how she juggles being a wife and new mom, her leap into global relocation while pregnant, and how faith pushes her boss moves:
Image by Ade Osinubi
You and your husband relocated to Kenya last year, and you totally moved your life while pregnant. How was that experience?
I visited Kenya four or five times before moving here, so I was familiar with Nairobi. The first time I came, I felt super-comfortable. The infrastructure and amenities are pretty similar to America, so I didn't feel out of place here versus moving to, say, a more rural part of Kenya or of Africa. In terms of being relatively newlywed, it's been fun doing this with my husband Jonathan because he's from here and while were dating, he actually went to Nigeria for a year and a half and that's where I'm from. He ended up being in my country for a little bit and I ended up being in his country, so I think it helps us understand one another.
Although our cultural experiences growing up were different, now we get to see both sides. I've met a lot of people he went to school with and get to learn more about him a little bit deeper. It's cool to experience that. It provides another interesting dimension to our marriage for sure.
Something we considered when moving is that it's not that unfamiliar to both of us. We have extended family and friends here so that's made the transition a lot easier. Being a new mom in a new country, I was really shocked because it seems like as soon as I landed I was able to connect with three other pregnant women at the time. I have been exposed to a community of new moms. I just really felt welcomed. I find it's so easy to find a common ground with people and easy to make friends simply being pregnant.
Image by Lyra Aoko
With all the change you've experienced in the past six months, has your perspective on balance changed?
There are days that I don't do any work or there are days that I do. I have grace with myself, and I get comfortable with the fact that I can't do everything and I can't please everybody. Just letting go of the weight of having to be perfect is key. If a day goes by and I haven't exactly gotten to everything I want to do, it's totally OK. Tomorrow's another day and [if] I can't get to, [I] can go for it tomorrow.
My husband is really down for the cause and he's super-helpful. His family is also very helpful, and they'll stop by and they've been my support system. I also have a team for the work that I do---an assistant and an agent for my blog who helps with negotiating contracts and collaborations. And we have house help. It's important to surround yourself with people who can help you and to outsource tasks.
What does self-care look like for you now that you're a mom?
Whenever he's napping or I'm able to get a break, I try to do something for me. I get out of the house, and I may get my hair or my nails done. I really like working out, and I make sure I go for a walk---alone or sometimes with my husband. I do yoga and I love facials and massages. The time I do these things can vary because my son has needs and he might wake up at different times or need things [at different times].
I'm hoping that in the next few months we can get a good routine going, but for the most part that's pretty much what it looks like.
As a vloggerpreneur, how has it been in terms of transitioning your business and shifting the way you present content?
My blogging business has definitely changed. It's really been about recognizing that my audience has changed. Once I moved, my Kenyan audience grew, and with that, they have different expectations. The Kenyan market operates differently from the American market and I had to decide how to position myself. You have to know how you want to shift your content--if at all--and I had to adapt. Also, when it comes to influencer marketing, I've had to approach brands differently. For example, a Kenyan brand might have a much smaller budget and might expect different deliverables. It might shift from a focus, in America, for blog post campaigns, to more Instagram-focused in Kenya.
The last change has more to do with becoming a mom. I now have to think more about how the content I post affects other people.
Before I got married, [my blog] just had to do with me and my life. Then, once I got married, it was about me and my husband. There were things I'd post that I'd include him in, but he's not a blogger for a living, so I had to be conscious of that. Now that I'm a mom, it's about being even more mindful of how I post and maybe being a bit more private about what I post or share.
What are your plans for the future in Kenya, particularly your newest venture, the Safe Journey Retreat?
I'm a spiritual person so I try to be guided by God's calling and what He wants for my life. I try to mold what I do around that. That helps me stay balanced and grounds me. Starting the Safe Journey Retreat made sense for me. It helps me in my position here. I blogged in America, I finished school and I have this audience.
I just moved here, I love it here, and I think that everyone should experience Kenya as a beautiful place to be. It felt very natural to combine all of those---my passion for traveling and Africa in general.
Also, because I'm taking a break from [what I studied in school], it's also a good way to pursue another project as I figure out things. In the early part of my 20s, I spent a lot of time trying to strictly plan out my life. I had this grand plan and I was going to accomplish things by a certain time. Something I've learned over the past decade is that when man plans, God laughs. As much as you have goals and plans, ultimately you don't really know. If you would've talked to me back then and told me that I'd be married and moving to Kenya, I'd say, "Girl, get out of my face!" (Laughs) I try to let go of the desire to overly plan my life. I kind of go with the flow right now. As long as I'm being true to myself, and continue to uplift and inspire---what I'm called to do---I'm at peace.
For more of Ijeoma, follow her on Instagram.
Featured Image by Marta Skovro
RELATED
Anyway, I personally think that the less shallow folks out here may contemplate calling things “quits” or they at least distance themselves a bit from their partner (and what I’m referring to is serious relationships) due to all of the stress and strain that oftentimes comes with the holidays whether it be financial, familial, due to their tight schedules or something else.
Listen, I would hate for you and your man to miss the fun and happiness of experiencing this time of year, all because you are so overwhelmed or irritated that you can’t really enjoy it. That’s why I have a few practical tips for how to avoid allowing the typical holiday season stress from INFECTING your relationship.
Manage Your Expectations
GiphyUnmanaged expectations. If there is a main reason why the holiday season tends to be so stress-filled for so many people, I’d bet good money that this is the cause. And when you’re in a long-term relationship, expectations can manifest themselves in all sorts of cryptic and/or unexpected ways. You might have relatives who assume that you are going to be with them for Thanksgiving or Christmas when you have other plans in mind. You might be thinking that you are going to spend one amount for presents while your man is thinking something totally different. When it comes to scheduling, your signals may be crossed.
And you know what? To all of these scenarios, this is where clear and consistent communication come in. Don’t assume anything. Don’t dictate anything either. From now until New Year’s, mutually decide to check in once a week, just to make sure that you are both on the same page as it relates to the holidays and what you both are thinking will come along with it. The less blindsided you both feel, the less stressed out you will be. Trust me on this.
Set (and Keep) a Budget
GiphyOkay, so I read that last year, 36 percent of Americans incurred some type of holiday-related debt. Hmph. Last year, there was still some sense of normalcy in this country, chile, so I can only imagine what finances are gonna look like over the next several weeks. That said, since I don’t know a lot of people who don’t find being broke stressful, make sure that you and your bae set a budget and then stick to it this year — no ifs, ands or buts.
Because really, y’all — it doesn’t make sense to deplete savings and/or max out credit cards for a few days of giggles only to be damn near losing your mind because you don’t know how to make ends meet come Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Day.
And by the way, this tip doesn’t just speak to things like food and gifts; I also mean travel. If it doesn’t make a ton of sense (or cents) to be all over the place this year — DON’T BE.
Keep Matthew 5:37 at the Forefront
GiphyIf off the top of your head, you don’t know what Matthew 5:37 says, no worries, here ya go: “But let your ‘Yes’ be ‘Yes,’ and your ‘No,’ ‘No.’ For whatever is more than these is from the evil one.” That verse right there? Oh, it’s a boundaries lifesaver! I say that because do you see “maybe” or “I’ll think about it” in there? Nope. LOL. It says that you should tell people “yes” or “no” and leave it at that — and that complements Anne Lamott’s quote, “’No’ is a complete sentence” impeccably well. Yeah, you’ve got to remember that anything beyond a yes or no to a request is privileged information; you don’t owe anyone details or an explanation.
Besides, if you are really honest with yourself, when someone asks you something and you give a “Umm, let me think about it” kind of reply, more times than not, you already know what your answer is going to be — so why not let you both off of the hook? Give your response. Commit to that. And let everyone (including yourself) get on with their lives and schedules.
I promise you that when it comes to those holiday parties, you are pissing more folks off by not RSVP’ing or doing so and not showing up than just saying, “Thank you but not this year” off the rip.
Remember That Your Personal Space Is Privilege Not a Right
GiphyA friend of mine recently bought a new house and invited me over to come see it. He’s a single man with no children, so as I was taking in all of the space that he had, especially as I walked through his finished basement, I joked about relatives coming to live with him. “Hell no” and “absolutely not” were pretty much his immediate responses as he went on to say that some folks even had the nerve to be offended when he told them that he had no intentions on taking DNA in.
Ain’t it wild how people think that your stuff is their right? And yes, that brings me to my next point. Your home is your sanctuary space. If you want to host folks this year — cool. If not, ALSO COOL. Please don’t let folks (family included) guilt you into how they want you to act or even into what they would do if the shoe was on the other foot. You are not them — and as one of my favorite quotes states, “If two people were exactly alike, one of them would be unnecessary.” (A man by the name Larry Dixon said that.)
Hell, my friends? They know that I am good for sending them random things that they need or even want all throughout the year. Coming over to hang out at my pace, though. Uh-uh. Chalk it up to being a card-carrying member of the ambivert club yet I like keeping my living space personal — and I sleep like a baby, each and every night, for feeling that way.
Always remember that your space, your time, your resources, your energy and shoot, yourself period (including your relationship), are all things that are your own. You get to choose how, when and why you want to share them. The holiday season is certainly no exception.
Cultivate Some “You Two Only” Traditions
GiphyIt’s not uncommon for some couples to hit me up after the holiday season to “detox.” Sometimes it’s due to the financial drama (and sometimes trauma) that they experienced. Sometimes it’s because they allowed their relatives (especially in-laws) to get more into their personal business than they should’ve. More than anything, though, it tends to be because they didn’t get enough quality time together and so ended up feeling “disconnected.”
Please don’t let that happen. Listen, I’m not even a holidays kind of woman and yet, I will absolutely sit myself down with some hot chocolate and chocolate chip cookies to enjoy a Hallmark holiday film or two. Aside from the fact that most of them are lighthearted and sweet, I also like that they usually focus on couples loving on each other amidst all of the holiday beauty and ambiance — which is something that all couples should set aside some time to do.
Maybe it’s a vacation. Maybe it’s a staycation. Or maybe it’s my personal favorite, A SEXCATION. Whether it’s for a few days, the weekend or even overnight — don’t you let the holidays go by without setting aside time for you and your man to celebrate one another. Don’t you dare (check out “Are You Ready To Have Some Very Merry 'Christmas Sex'?”).
GET. SOME. REST.
GiphyI once read that 8 out of 10 people get stressed out over the holidays and 3 out of 10 lose sleep during to it — and when you’re stress-filled and sleep-deprived, that can absolutely lead to hypersensitivity, making mountains out of molehills and even not being in the mood for sex.
Your relationship can’t afford to go through any of this, so definitely make sure to prioritize rest. I don’t care how unrealistic it might seem during this time, sleep should never be seen as a luxury; it will always and forever be a great necessity.
That said, try to get no less than six hours of shut-eye in (check out “6 Fascinating Ways Sex And Sleep Definitely Go Hand In Hand”) and even ask your bae to take a nap with you sometimes (check out “Wanna Have Some Next-Level Sex? Take A Nap, Sis.”). Not only will sleep help to restore your mind, body and spirit but, when it’s with your partner, it’s an act of intimacy that can make you both feel super connected, even in the midst of what might feel like chaos.
___
Holiday season stress is real. Still, never give it the permission or power to throw your relationship off. Put you and your man first and let the holidays be what they are gonna be, chile.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Featured image by Shutterstock
Now, before we get into what that is, let me just say that NOTHING is 100 percent foolproof (when it comes to avoiding pregnancy) besides abstinence. Let me also say that other birth control options (like the condom, the pill, and IUDs…oh, and a vasectomy) have more odds at consistent success than what we are about to explore today.
Still, if you are looking for something that is hormone-free, there is a natural oil that has been known to pleasantly surprise some folks when it comes to avoiding conception for many, many years at this point: Neem oil.
Is It True That Neem Oil Is an All-Natural Form of Birth Control?
Okay, so you saw what this sistah in the Instagram post just did, right? If it low-key sounds crazy to you…it shouldn’t. The reality is there is science to back up that, at the very least, neem oil can be treated as an all-natural type of spermicide. The way it works is, if you apply it to your vaginal opening and to your partner’s penis right before intercourse, neem oil has the ability to kill sperm.
In fact, one study revealed that when 238 women used neem oil in this way, approximately five minutes before intercourse, only nine became pregnant during a 1-3 year period. Hmph. When you stop to think that 1 in 5 women typically get pregnant from the pull-out method, those odds are actually semi-impressive.
So, should you just run out to your local health store and cop a bottle of the oil? Well, you definitely should run your decision by your doctor first so that you can get even more intel about the pros, cons and risks. It’s also a good idea to keep in mind that this method is not FDA-approved and it can sometimes be so potent that you could end up irritating your vagina.
Still, even with all that I just said, it can’t hurt to do your own additional research when it comes to using neem oil as a contraceptive alternative; especially if hormonal birth control is something that really doesn’t sit well with you (for whatever the reason).
Oh, and while we’re on the topic of neem oil, even if you don’t need it for birth control reasons, there are still several solid reasons for why you should have a couple of bottles in your possession. I’ve included seven of ‘em.
1. Neem Oil Is a Solid Antioxidant
Something that is pretty darn impressive about neem (extract) oil is it contains a whopping 140 different active compounds including ones that are potent antioxidants. Since it also has anti-inflammatory properties in it too, if you happen to have an ulcer or you simply want to reduce some oxidative stress (so that your liver and kidneys can remain in an optimal state), neem oil is an all-natural way to benefit your health and well-being when it comes to both of these issues…and much more.
2. Neem Oil Can Help to Heal Skin Issues
Whenever you get a pimple, there is some inflammation that transpires. In fact, hyperpigmentation that comes after a breakout is typically because your body overproduced melanin in order to get the inflammation down. That said, because neem oil is so powerful when it comes to its anti-inflammation elements and since it also contains antimicrobial properties and fatty acids as well, you can apply it to a zit to speed up the healing process or mix it with a carrier oil to achieve/maintain healthy skin altogether (especially if you happen to have eczema or psoriasis or you want your skin to look younger for a longer period of time).
3. Neem Oil Reduces Dandruff
Dandruff transpires as the direct result of your scalp producing too much fungus/yeast known as Malassezia. That said, guess what else neem oil is considered to be? It’s an antifungal oil too! Not only that but it contains an active ingredient known as nimbidin that can help to hinder the build-up of Malassezia, reduce scalp irritation and suppress the inflammation that is sometimes associated with dandruff. Very cool.
4. Neem Oil Can Keep Your Hair Healthy
Aside from what I just said about dandruff, there are properties in neem oil that can help to keep your hair healthy, period. For instance, if you blend it with a carrier oil like jojoba, it can significantly reduce any frizz that you may have; that way, your natural curls can end up having more curl definition. Also, since it helps to strengthen your hair follicles, neem oil may be able to assist in you experiencing less hair breakage — which means that you will be able to retain more hair length over time.
5. Neem Oil Helps to Maintain Oral Health
This month, I have to have minor oral surgery — and a sistah is not at all thrilled about it. Although I adore my (new) dentist, who wants to get cut and drilled on (which is exactly why I am opting to be sedated)? On top of that, even though I have dental insurance, this ish is not about to be cheap. SMDH.
Moral to the story here — always be as proactive as possible about your oral health and, thanks to the antibacterial and anti-inflammatory properties that are in neem oil, it can help you out with your teeth and gums too.
Whether you are trying to naturally treat or prevent tooth decay, you want to try to avoid gum disease, you want your teeth to appear whiter, you desire stronger enamel or you’re looking for temporary relief from a toothache — it’s neem oil to the rescue on all fronts.
6. Neem Oil Improves Digestive Health
It’s super important to always remember that 80 percent of your immunity is housed in your gut. That said, in the realm of Ayurvedic medicine (check out “10 Ayurveda-Inspired Wellness Practices For A Balanced Fall & Winter”), neem oil has been long hailed as a way to bring relief to minor digestive issues. It does this by using its properties to soothe an upset stomach while reducing unpleasant symptoms such as gas and bloating.
7. Neem Oil May Lower Blood Sugar Levels
As if we haven’t already learn enough about how neem oil can be a real blessing, if you’re someone who wants to keep your blood sugar levels where they need to be, this oil may be able to help in this department too. The long story short with this one is some studies have revealed that neem oil has the ability to revive some of the cells that help to produce insulin. As a direct result, that can help to lower blood sugar levels. Now how dope is that?
___
Hmph. Talk about an oil that is an unsung hero.
What are you waiting for? Cop some and see how (well) it works for you!
Featured image by Shutterstock