I remember my first time ever having sex like it was yesterday – all three minutes of it.
I braced myself in preparation for how painful articles led me to believe it'd be, but was pleasantly surprised that aside from the first stroke, his focus on my clit made my first time only mildly uncomfortable. And several strokes less than I thought it would be. I was 17, a few months shy of 18. We were at his mother's house one Tuesday afternoon. He loved cars and was working on the two he owned outside in his yard, the bass of loud rap music blaring. I guess it was in an effort to make us discreet despite how contradictory it all seems in retrospect.
I was the kind of nervous where it was largely in part due to the unknown, and about 47% was confidence with an “I'm ready" air. I loved him before I knew I did (he'd later become my first long-term relationship). He was a junior, tall, light skin with this beautiful smile, and he had this ponytail at the exact right time I had a thing for long hair. Everything about our chemistry and connection was effortless and I felt safe with him. I never saw losing my virginity as a special awakening moment or rite of passage as most people prophesized it to be. It was just sex to me although with some love added to the mix, it grew to be much more than that. I wondered though if I was the only one whose first time wasn't all that the sitcoms prophesied or, if on the flipside, it was everything that rom-coms suggested prom night first time love-making sessions to be.
I decided to ask five people about their cherry poppin' first time experiences.
Lauren
I was a junior in high school and had been with my on-and-off again high school sweetheart. He was extremely respectful of me and my body. I always felt safe and protected with him. We had a couple close encounters before – making out then eventually into oral sex – but I told him I refused to lose my virginity in the back of a car so it was what it was. The week of Valentine's Day, it was clear from our body chemistry that we weren't going to be able to put it off much longer so that weekend, we went shopping and eventually went over to one of his really good friend's house for a couple's movie night. His friend's family had a theater in the basement with an attached guest bedroom so that was the scene of the magic. When we finally went in the room, I wasn't nervous but I was afraid from our most recent attempt that my first time might hurt. I took control, got on top, and eased my way down. He was very gentle with me, making sure I was okay, until I no longer wanted him to be gentle.
The soundtrack was whatever movie was playing. But in my mind, the song that I knew I would lose my virginity to was "Take It Off (Dim the Lights)" by Pharrell, an album that I was absolutely obsessed with at the time, so that's what I fantasized about while we were doing it. When it was over, I was expecting the world and the universe to shift, but I pretty much felt the same as I had always felt, just normal. I was excited to share with my friends that I had finally been initiated as a woman but even then, I don't think I said anything until weeks later. I felt just as close to my boyfriend then as I had always been, and although I knew that he wouldn't be my husband or anything, I was and am still, very happy to have given my virginity to him.
Jane
My earliest sexual memory was when I was 8, I was young (laughs). I think my classmate wanted me to touch his penis in exchange for some candy. I was like, I wanted some candy, he has some candy, so I'll touch his penis. Even when I was young, I remember dry humping with people. I can't remember my first taste of sex, but I remember I was really young. I lost my virginity when I was 19. I don't know how to word this, but this person was the first man I ever felt comfortable with outside of the males in my family. At this point we weren't even quote unquote together, we were just friends. I developed really strong feelings for him and vice versa. I was really comfortable with him, he was just different. He didn't make me feel like I had to be guarded, or scared, or nervous. I was just really comfortable which is probably why that came about. Because of previous trauma, I had a detachment to sex.
I felt like sex made girls damaged. I had a misogynist view of a woman being touched sexually and that making her “destroyed."
I thought sex was taboo and a thing people did to be nasty. That was all prior to him though. I wasn't afraid to lose my virginity. I was ready. I hadn't heard a lot of horror stories. The people I had known who had lost it had really exciting, thrilling stories about it. I would always hear, “You know when you're ready". I remember it hurting. I remember overthinking it, like what if he doesn't like me after this? What if it's not good? Physically, it hurt at first, but it was like a welcoming pain, like (sighs), I can deal with this pain. We were in my dorm room. My roommate was gone. I was wearing a t-shirt and shorts. I remember the music was on. I think my feelings at that point were invalidated through him. I hadn't completely let go of the “sex destroys women" perspective I had, but he invalidated those beliefs because he made me feel so pretty afterwards. He didn't dog me out. He didn't leave. I had this feeling of immense reassurance from him. I don't have any regrets, but I kind of wish I wasn't as grossed out by sex as long as I was.
Shauna
I was 18 when I lost my virginity. I was with the guy for two years at the time. We went to the same high school together, but he was a grade ahead of me. I was under the impression that I was in love and that we would last forever. Now that I think about it, he had been making me feel a little guilty about not doing it. We broke up the summer before and I met some people and did some things, obviously not the big thing, but I did some things. We reconciled shortly after. I don't think there was anything special about him other than the time and energy I felt I put in the relationship for the two years it had been a thing. I was obsessed with sex, obsessed with it, and really wanted to do it but I was picky and wasn't about to do it all willy nilly. I was afraid though. I knew what to expect but it was happening and it was my first experience so there was some fear and apprehension there.
I'm looking back it like, “Damn Shauna" (laughs). I kinda just went for it one day. It was on the floor of my dorm room, freshman year of college, first semester (laughs). It just happened. One thing escalated after the other, and I was just like eff it. I was feeling like, Am I doing this right? Is everything alright body-wise? I was really confident body-wise. Like goddamn, I was hot as shit back then and I look back and feel like I wasted my time with this fake ass Mexican. Afterwards, it wasn't like a shellshock but It was like, so I just did it, okay. It was alright. Honestly, my first time wasn't that great. When I look back, he wasn't that great. It hurt. He made me fried chicken and mac n cheese afterwards. But damn, if I knew then what I know now, I would have ruled college life.
Jason
I was 17 and it was right before my senior year. She was the most significant woman I've ever had in my life. I was a guy and a senior in high school and at that point I was the only person in my group of friends that hadn't lost it, but I wasn't about to give it to just anybody. At the time, the girl I was with was the most important person in my life and honestly, I took her virginity as well so it was kind of a mutual thing. She made me feel like I was the greatest man on earth which is part of the reason why I have the ego that I have now (laughs). I feel like the first time with anybody is really awkward, especially for us because it was both of our first time. It hurt for her and she bled a little bit. I don't feel like my first time is worth remembering other than the fact that it was my first time (laughs) that's the only reason the story is memorable.
I lost it at four in the morning in the computer room of my grandfather's house.
I was really eager to do it, but I wasn't eager to throw it away. The furthest I'd gone before her was a semi handjob so I was very sacred about what I had. From an ego perspective afterwards, I felt free. I felt like a weight was lifted. I didn't even have to tell people, they just knew. It was in my demeanor, the way I talked, how I carried myself. They knew something happened to me. My uncles asked me, “Did you lose your virginity? Did you wear a hat?" There was this coded language (laughs). But sex didn't make me look at her any differently. I didn't love her any more, I didn't love her any less. It was something to get out of the way to focus more on the relationship. The act of sex was just something we were ready to be like okay, we've done it already. After losing it, I was eager to do it more though and do it better (laughs).
Dexter
I was 16 and at my buddy's house – he was a really great friend of mine – all of us were pretty close because we grew up together. There was me, my friends, my buddy's parents, her, and her mom in the house. She asked me to come in her room. She was my childhood sweetheart so we always had a thing. We were talking, joking around. Being kids, one thing led to another, we started having sex, and it was the scariest thing I've ever done in my life. Her mother's bedroom was four feet away from where we were and my buddy's parents' room was the wall that separated us in that her room.
It was really awkward because in the background all I heard was this fighting game so it was a whole bunch of males moaning the entire time (laughs). I was distracted, but still really into it because she was so beautiful to me. The next morning, she moved to California so that was awful. I thought it was overrated. When we had sex, I was like, oh okay. I never really felt this intense pressure to have sex because none of my friends were really having sex like that except for my homeboy that had started in the eighth grade. There was way too much foreplay, like way too much foreplay. We were both scared because we didn't have a condom. We had sex for like fifteen minutes and stopped because we didn't want her to get pregnant at 16 so the foreplay started back up. Like a couple of weeks after, I wanted a new experience to really experience what sex is like in a more comfortable setting so I lost my virginity and shortly after, that became my hoe phase (laughs). Sex was incredible.
Do you remember your first time? Share your story below!
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Anyway, I personally think that the less shallow folks out here may contemplate calling things “quits” or they at least distance themselves a bit from their partner (and what I’m referring to is serious relationships) due to all of the stress and strain that oftentimes comes with the holidays whether it be financial, familial, due to their tight schedules or something else.
Listen, I would hate for you and your man to miss the fun and happiness of experiencing this time of year, all because you are so overwhelmed or irritated that you can’t really enjoy it. That’s why I have a few practical tips for how to avoid allowing the typical holiday season stress from INFECTING your relationship.
Manage Your Expectations
GiphyUnmanaged expectations. If there is a main reason why the holiday season tends to be so stress-filled for so many people, I’d bet good money that this is the cause. And when you’re in a long-term relationship, expectations can manifest themselves in all sorts of cryptic and/or unexpected ways. You might have relatives who assume that you are going to be with them for Thanksgiving or Christmas when you have other plans in mind. You might be thinking that you are going to spend one amount for presents while your man is thinking something totally different. When it comes to scheduling, your signals may be crossed.
And you know what? To all of these scenarios, this is where clear and consistent communication come in. Don’t assume anything. Don’t dictate anything either. From now until New Year’s, mutually decide to check in once a week, just to make sure that you are both on the same page as it relates to the holidays and what you both are thinking will come along with it. The less blindsided you both feel, the less stressed out you will be. Trust me on this.
Set (and Keep) a Budget
GiphyOkay, so I read that last year, 36 percent of Americans incurred some type of holiday-related debt. Hmph. Last year, there was still some sense of normalcy in this country, chile, so I can only imagine what finances are gonna look like over the next several weeks. That said, since I don’t know a lot of people who don’t find being broke stressful, make sure that you and your bae set a budget and then stick to it this year — no ifs, ands or buts.
Because really, y’all — it doesn’t make sense to deplete savings and/or max out credit cards for a few days of giggles only to be damn near losing your mind because you don’t know how to make ends meet come Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Day.
And by the way, this tip doesn’t just speak to things like food and gifts; I also mean travel. If it doesn’t make a ton of sense (or cents) to be all over the place this year — DON’T BE.
Keep Matthew 5:37 at the Forefront
GiphyIf off the top of your head, you don’t know what Matthew 5:37 says, no worries, here ya go: “But let your ‘Yes’ be ‘Yes,’ and your ‘No,’ ‘No.’ For whatever is more than these is from the evil one.” That verse right there? Oh, it’s a boundaries lifesaver! I say that because do you see “maybe” or “I’ll think about it” in there? Nope. LOL. It says that you should tell people “yes” or “no” and leave it at that — and that complements Anne Lamott’s quote, “’No’ is a complete sentence” impeccably well. Yeah, you’ve got to remember that anything beyond a yes or no to a request is privileged information; you don’t owe anyone details or an explanation.
Besides, if you are really honest with yourself, when someone asks you something and you give a “Umm, let me think about it” kind of reply, more times than not, you already know what your answer is going to be — so why not let you both off of the hook? Give your response. Commit to that. And let everyone (including yourself) get on with their lives and schedules.
I promise you that when it comes to those holiday parties, you are pissing more folks off by not RSVP’ing or doing so and not showing up than just saying, “Thank you but not this year” off the rip.
Remember That Your Personal Space Is Privilege Not a Right
GiphyA friend of mine recently bought a new house and invited me over to come see it. He’s a single man with no children, so as I was taking in all of the space that he had, especially as I walked through his finished basement, I joked about relatives coming to live with him. “Hell no” and “absolutely not” were pretty much his immediate responses as he went on to say that some folks even had the nerve to be offended when he told them that he had no intentions on taking DNA in.
Ain’t it wild how people think that your stuff is their right? And yes, that brings me to my next point. Your home is your sanctuary space. If you want to host folks this year — cool. If not, ALSO COOL. Please don’t let folks (family included) guilt you into how they want you to act or even into what they would do if the shoe was on the other foot. You are not them — and as one of my favorite quotes states, “If two people were exactly alike, one of them would be unnecessary.” (A man by the name Larry Dixon said that.)
Hell, my friends? They know that I am good for sending them random things that they need or even want all throughout the year. Coming over to hang out at my pace, though. Uh-uh. Chalk it up to being a card-carrying member of the ambivert club yet I like keeping my living space personal — and I sleep like a baby, each and every night, for feeling that way.
Always remember that your space, your time, your resources, your energy and shoot, yourself period (including your relationship), are all things that are your own. You get to choose how, when and why you want to share them. The holiday season is certainly no exception.
Cultivate Some “You Two Only” Traditions
GiphyIt’s not uncommon for some couples to hit me up after the holiday season to “detox.” Sometimes it’s due to the financial drama (and sometimes trauma) that they experienced. Sometimes it’s because they allowed their relatives (especially in-laws) to get more into their personal business than they should’ve. More than anything, though, it tends to be because they didn’t get enough quality time together and so ended up feeling “disconnected.”
Please don’t let that happen. Listen, I’m not even a holidays kind of woman and yet, I will absolutely sit myself down with some hot chocolate and chocolate chip cookies to enjoy a Hallmark holiday film or two. Aside from the fact that most of them are lighthearted and sweet, I also like that they usually focus on couples loving on each other amidst all of the holiday beauty and ambiance — which is something that all couples should set aside some time to do.
Maybe it’s a vacation. Maybe it’s a staycation. Or maybe it’s my personal favorite, A SEXCATION. Whether it’s for a few days, the weekend or even overnight — don’t you let the holidays go by without setting aside time for you and your man to celebrate one another. Don’t you dare (check out “Are You Ready To Have Some Very Merry 'Christmas Sex'?”).
GET. SOME. REST.
GiphyI once read that 8 out of 10 people get stressed out over the holidays and 3 out of 10 lose sleep during to it — and when you’re stress-filled and sleep-deprived, that can absolutely lead to hypersensitivity, making mountains out of molehills and even not being in the mood for sex.
Your relationship can’t afford to go through any of this, so definitely make sure to prioritize rest. I don’t care how unrealistic it might seem during this time, sleep should never be seen as a luxury; it will always and forever be a great necessity.
That said, try to get no less than six hours of shut-eye in (check out “6 Fascinating Ways Sex And Sleep Definitely Go Hand In Hand”) and even ask your bae to take a nap with you sometimes (check out “Wanna Have Some Next-Level Sex? Take A Nap, Sis.”). Not only will sleep help to restore your mind, body and spirit but, when it’s with your partner, it’s an act of intimacy that can make you both feel super connected, even in the midst of what might feel like chaos.
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Holiday season stress is real. Still, never give it the permission or power to throw your relationship off. Put you and your man first and let the holidays be what they are gonna be, chile.
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Not to mention the fact that so many folks literally don’t read (you know, past skimming) anymore — and yes, I have stats to prove it. I recently read that back in 2022, reportedly, a little over 48 percent of people read one book over the course of that entire year (that is not a good thing and proves that book reading is on a steady decline). Meanwhile, the amount of time that is spent on social media: 2.5 hours on a daily basis. That’s 150 minutes of listening to folks just say…whatever. And if you listen to it long enough, you could actually start believing it as gospel.
This includes what I am going to touch on today: the belief that if someone really cares about you, they should constantly reassure you. Y’all damn near are gonna have me join the world of social media again, just to address this one fallacy. For now, though, I’ll settle for making some points via this article — because as you can see from the title, I don’t agree with that conclusion at all.
In fact, I personally believe that thinking this way is a pretty big relational orange — if not red — flag.
Reassurance. And What It Does for a Child.
GiphyIf you’ve read enough of my content, you know that I am big on word definitions — and when it comes to the word “reassurance,” the meaning alone explains why this article has the title that it does:
Reassurance: something, such as information, praise, or an action or gesture, that soothes, comforts, or restores to confidence
Reassurance restores confidence. Bookmark that, please. I will certainly circle back to that point before I am done.
Okay, so when it comes to, say a child, there is absolutely a place for reassurance. That’s because they are still in the process of significant self-development and so they need reassurance in order to feel safe, secure and loved. It’s also a way for them to establish trust in others.
However, did you know that many mental health experts say that if a child deals with, say anxiety, constant reassurance can actually be counterproductive because they can start to rely on external validation to emotionally stabilize them instead of learning how to remain calm and relaxed on their own (yeah, bookmark that too)? Some other ways that constant reassurance can become potentially problematic is it can cause kids to create problems that don’t exist, to overthink and to jump to the wrong conclusions (hmm…very interesting).
And so, already, we’re seeing something pretty interesting, right? Although reassurance has its place, too much of it, even for kids, typically ends up doing more harm than good.
Let’s keep building.
How 'Lack' As a Child Can Manifest As an Adult
GiphyOkay, so we just touched on how constant reassurance can be counterproductive for an anxious child. Now what about when that child grows up? If they never learned how to properly and effectively deal with their anxiety, what then? Well, this is where attachment styles can very easily come into play — especially since one of them is literally called “anxious attachment style.”
Anxious attachment style is rooted in insecurity. It typically stems from experiencing the type of dysfunctional upbringing that resulted in one or both parents being unpredictable or inconsistent in their caregiving approach and techniques. As a result, the child deals with things like fear of abandonment or rejection and, without healing from that, they become an adult who is pretty much the exact same way.
In relationships, it can manifest in them being extra clingy, codependent, super jealous, controlling or — catch it — someone who is always looking for validation and reassurance.
Hmph. Did you catch that? Did you really catch that? Needing constant reassurance in a relationship IS NOT something that should automatically come with a relationship. In fact, if you’re someone who has this type of need or even expectation, there’s a really good chance that what you actually need is therapy — not for your partner to work harder to make you feel better about yourself or the relationship.
Which brings me to my next point.
Relationships Can Be Therapeutic. They Aren’t Therapy, Though.
GiphySomething that some of my clients will tell you that they’ve heard me say, more than once I might add is, “PARENT and PARTNER are not palindromes.” A palindrome is a word (line, sentence, etc.) that is the same whether it is spelled backwards or forwards — and while, of course, parent and partner couldn’t qualify as being that, what I mean is there are far too many people who think that partners should pick up where parents left off and/or dropped the ball — and that is a super unhealthy approach to relationships. Come to think of it, not only is it unhealthy but really unfair as well.
This is exactly why I’m not big on phrases like “the princess treatment” in adult relationships. A princess is the daughter of a king while a queen is the wife of one. For a grown woman to expect a man to do what a father did for her as a child without accepting that as an adult, there are far more responsibilities as a wife that comes into play? Yep, that is toxic thinking.
And you know what? So is expecting your partner to overcompensate for where your father and/or mother didn’t show up in the way that they should have. That is not your partner’s fault, their role or their assignment while dating you. If you feel otherwise, it really is time to speak with a professional who can help you to do a bit of “reprogramming” in your thinking because, for you to feel and/or assume that since your parents didn’t make you feel confident and secure or teach you how to value yourself, your partner should work overtime to make up for it? There is not one thing that is healthy, mature or emotionally solid about having that type of mindset.
And that is why I am also good for saying that, although relationships can be therapeutic (healing), they should never EVER be seen as therapy. Therapists are trained to deal with the mental and emotional challenges that people have. On the other hand, no one should expect their partner to have the knowledge and expertise that professionals do — and while we’re here, partners also shouldn’t trust that someone who needs the assistance of a therapist to become whole (again) would know exactly what steps are required for that to happen.
So yeah, if you’re someone who thinks that being loved means that someone needs to constantly make you feel good about yourself or secure in the relationship — you probably do have an anxious attachment style. See a professional to get that confirmed, though. Because no one should have to make you feel valued or worthy. That is an inside job.
And this brings me to my final point.
It’s Not Fair to Want Someone to Love You More than You Do
GiphyFor this last point, something that Christ once said immediately comes to mind:
“No one puts a piece of unshrunk cloth on an old garment; for the patch pulls away from the garment, and the tear is made worse. Nor do they put new wine into old wineskins, or else the wineskins break, the wine is spilled, and the wineskins are ruined. But they put new wine into new wineskins, and both are preserved.” (Matthew 9:16-18 — NKJV)
A lot of times, Christ spoke in parables because it was easier for people to get where he was coming from (Matthew 13:13). Anyway, along these lines, what would be the point in pouring a liquid into a bottle that has a hole in it? It’s not built to contain and maintain the fluid and so, no matter how delicious the drink may be, no matter how many times it’s poured into the bottle, the bottle is never going to remain full — because it has cracks in it.
BOOKMARK THAT.
My fourth baby’s daddy (check out “Why I Named The Children I Aborted”), while we were in the process of our “exit interview” (which is what I choose to call it) of our dynamic, he said something that has always stayed with me: “Shellie, your biggest problem is you receive compliments are revelations when they should be seen as confirmations.” Hmph. The irony of HIM saying that is kind of a trip and yet, at the time when we were experiencing each other, he was exactly right. I should’ve never had such a low sense of self-worth that whatever a man said to me had me so in awe that I either felt extremely grateful or became super addicted to his validation.
And y’all, that is exactly what needing constant reassurance looks like — because why does someone need to keep telling you that you are beautiful, keep saying that you are wonderful, keep letting you know that they want to be with you — keep restoring your confidence in yourself and in your relationship with them?
In other words, why should they work harder at making you feel good about yourself and solid in your relationship than you are willing to? Isn’t that just like pouring liquid into a broken bottle?
There is someone in my family tree who I had to distance myself from because he kept venting to me about his marriage and the fact that his wife was just like this. Sadly, it was never (and I do mean NEVER) enough that he chose her — whenever she felt some type of way about herself, here she came looking for him to fill her voids. After a couple of years of the nonstop needs for reassurance, he was worn out from doing it and I was exhausted from hearing about it. He was too scared to call her out and she was too unaccountable to get the real help that she needed. Whew. Toxic on top of toxic.
So Shellie, what are you saying — that we shouldn’t expect compliments, affirmations, support and encouragement in our relationships? Chile, if that is what you got out of this, you are choosing to think that way because that couldn’t be further from where I am coming from.
Again, you’ve got to remember what reassurance means: it’s about restoring confidence. A compliment is “an expression of praise, commendation, or admiration” yet if you already know that you are pretty, smart, funny, whatever, someone telling you that isn’t “building your confidence;” it’s cosigning on something that you are already aware of. Encouragement is about inspiring or stimulating someone and so yes, of course, the right partner is going to want to see you win in life and so they are going to offer up influence and motivation to help you — but what if they aren’t there?
Shouldn’t you be able to encourage yourself? ABSOLUTELY. However, expecting them to restore your confidence due to things that have nothing to do with them or because you simply lack self-confidence? That is not how relationships are to go. If you aren’t sure of yourself (which is a foundational definition of confident), get to the root of why and then figure what you need to do to become sure — that way, your partner doesn’t have to constantly “fill you up;” actually, what they do will be surplus instead of void-filling because your “bottle” will be unbroken.
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I’m telling you, if you pay attention to the relationship side of socials, at least twice a day, someone will talk about how they think that a relationship should entail receiving constant reassurance. Lies on top of lies. No one should think that love means trying to make someone else feel sure about themselves because they don’t know how to do so on their own.
And this is why I say that expecting constant reassurance is an orange, if not red, flag.
Because when you already feel good about yourself, there is no need.
And if you don’t, figuring out how to is an inside job — FIRST.
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