![Quantcast](http://pixel.quantserve.com/pixel/p-GS-HF4BKvzCmv.gif)
![Being A People-Pleaser Taught Me The Power Of The Word "No"](https://assets.rebelmouse.io/eyJhbGciOiJIUzI1NiIsInR5cCI6IkpXVCJ9.eyJpbWFnZSI6Imh0dHBzOi8vYXNzZXRzLnJibC5tcy8xOTI2MzA0NC9vcmlnaW4uanBnIiwiZXhwaXJlc19hdCI6MTc0MDU3NTA1Nn0.CdtHIkxl-ls1UpBxlxsTsOYLReyCx1PCrG_APFEysUc/img.jpg?width=1200&height=600&quality=90&coordinates=0%2C112%2C0%2C241)
Being A People-Pleaser Taught Me The Power Of The Word "No"
Last May, I took a trip to Cancun with a few friends, some old and some new, where every morning I was awakened by my roommate around 7 am, talking loudly on the phone.
Afraid of the confrontation and potential attitude problem that would accompany a dialogue that would be along the lines of, "Girl have you lost your damn mind? It is early in the morning and we are on vacation, could you please take your call outside?" Instead, I would just start my day early and have breakfast without her in a good old passive aggressive fashion. Through all the run-ins I've had with self-absorbed, apathetic, and what many would describe as narcissistic people, this by far was the biggest wakeup call for me (no pun intended).
Looking back on that vacation, sadly, in the moment I wasn't upset about her disregard for my feelings, or even the red flag that I felt uncomfortable standing up for myself in a situation with someone I regarded as my "friend," but the idea that I spent thousands of dollars to be woken up early in the morning. In true victim fashion, after getting home I told the story over and over again, and while friends were furious that I had gone through that, one by one, they asked a question that most sane people would: Why didn't you stand up for yourself?
The truth is, standing up for myself is something that I had struggled with ever since I could remember. I am a person that by default feels guilty for openly expressing negative emotions of any kind, has trouble with asking for what I need, goes out of her way to avoid conflict, and was deathly afraid of being alone. I used to be what is described as a codependent person, and to put it simply, I used to rely on others to give me a sense of self-worth, validation, and purpose, no matter how toxic they were to my existence.
I felt that asking for what I wanted and needed from people around me was burdensome, so instead, I often neglected my own needs and focused on what I could do for others. The word "no" was one I was afraid to use out of fear that the people I care for would perceive me as mean and selfish and that I would be punished with abandonment for doing so.
When it came to any interdependent relationship, as you could imagine, I had no boundaries and believed that if I tried hard enough I could fix broken people, and love someone into loving me. Does this sound like you? If so, here are some steps towards healing your codependency:
Get To The Core Of Why You Fear Not Being Enough
This step to me is continuously the hardest because it involves lifting up layers and layers of yourself. Much like narcissistic people, codependent people often have encountered traumatic events early on their lives that shaped their perception of the world and their function in it. As a codependent person, you learned that operating in such a way was how to receive love.
Perhaps you were either punished for expressing your needs or when you did they were ignored. Believe it or not, no matter how grown you feel, your childhood affects your life relationships, so healing those wounds can improve your life dramatically. Regardless, you need to accept that you are enough, simply because you were created to be whole.
We are only as needy as our unmet needs, however, you will learn how to fulfill your own as an adult.
You can actually heal that broken child inside of you.
Acknowledge The Benefits Of Your Codependent Patterns
Part of transforming from a victim into a survivor is recognizing your own responsibility in your circumstances... Make sure to not mistake responsibility for blame, as the two are not interchangeable. If you recognize your role in your own suffering, you can take that power and make sure that it doesn't continue.
Now is the time to be brutally honest, and the truth may be very startling. Thoughts like "I'm afraid to stop engaging in this behavior because I'd rather be miserable than be alone" or "I accept less than I deserve because I do not think I deserve the best" may surface and that's okay.
The truth will set you free, even if it pisses you off first, and by verbalizing how you benefit from toxic relationships you will start to see why you continuously end up in them.
The unhealthier version of you enables and feeds off of unhealthy circumstances, but this does not have to be a permanent thing. You have the power to change your reality.
Accept That Letting Go Of Your Codependent Ways Will Result In Some Losses, But Do It Anyway
The reality is, there are parts of your life that are built around you not being your authentic self, so it is to be expected that once you do step into your true self you may see shifts in many parts of your life. There are people who benefit from your lack of boundaries, and there are people who are not going to be used to saying no. Proceed without shame because guilt is the codependent's kryptonite.
People who you considered friends in the past may seem less friendly once you stop bending over backward to please them. That job may seem less tolerable once you stop coming in early, skipping lunch, and leaving late to meet their unrealistic deadline. That romantic relationship might fall apart once you stop putting all of your attention on fixing your partner and instead focus on your health and mending the brokenness inside of you. This is all necessary for the well-being of the healthier version of you!
Featured Image by Getty Images.
Related Articles:
Ask Ayana Iman: I'm Stuck In A Codependent Relationship - Read More
The Self-Care Of Ghosting Toxic Girlfriends - Read More
Why Friendships Should Come With Deal Breakers, Too - Read More
- How To Stop Being A People-Pleaser - xoNecole: Women's Interest, Love, Wellness, Beauty ›
- Say No To Things You Don't Want To Do - xoNecole: Women's Interest, Love, Wellness, Beauty ›
- The “Do Something” Mindset (The Power of Practicing More) ›
- Say 'No' and change your life | Global | The Guardian ›
- Learning to Say No Is One of the Secrets of Success - Verily ›
- The Power of Saying 'No' ›
- The Power of No | Psychology Today ›
- Why You Should Learn to Say 'No' More Often - The New York Times ›
New Jersey native creating a life that she loves while living in gratitude. She loves using beauty, and fashion to create a balanced lifestyle while prioritizing wellness. A devoted fur mom, and a full-time lover of laughter. She is out for revenge against the darkness by being light, taking her own advice, traveling the world, and letting you know that you are so lit! Connect with her via IG @iamzaniah and please visit Zaniahsworld.com
These Newlyweds Found Love Thanks To A Friend Playing Matchmaker
How We Met is a series where xoNecole talks love and relationships with real-life couples. We learn how they met, how like turned into love, and how they make their love work.
Jason and Elise Robinson’s union is a reminder that kind people still get their happily ever after. The pair had their first date in October of 2021 and tied the knot on June 15, 2024. Both of them have dedicated their lives to celebrating and supporting Black culture so it was only fitting they get married in what's considered the Black Hollywood of America during the Juneteenth celebration weekend. From the florists to Elise and Jason's gown and suit designers to the table signage and so much more, everything was Black-owned. It's no wonder their love for Black culture was the jumping-off point for their love story.
When they met, Jason had just moved to Atlanta for a new job opportunity, and Elise was living happily in her career and had put dating on the backburner. But luckily, a mutual connection saw something in both of them and thanks to a yoga-themed baby shower and a chance text message, they found their forever. Check out their beautiful How We Met story below.
I’ll start with the easiest question. Can you both tell me a little bit about yourself and your background?
Elise: Sure, my name is Elise. I’m actually from Atlanta, GA – not a transplant. I grew up here and left right after college to pursue my career. Now I’ve been back going on eight years, and I’m in my early 40s.
Jason: And I’m Jason. I’m originally from Racine, Wisconsin. I went to school at Florida A&M University, so I am a rattler. I went back to the Midwest for a period of time, in Indianapolis. Now, I’ve been in the Atlanta area for a little over two and a half years.
Jason and Elise Robinson
Photo by FotosbyFola
Wow, that’s nice because Atlanta gets a bad rap when it comes to relationships. So you have to give us the deets. How did you two find each other?
Elise: So I work in TV and I was on-air for a number of years and then transitioned into being a producer and then a manager. As a producer, I’d always have guests on. And there was a woman who came on frequently named Rosalynn (@Rosalynndaniels, often referred to as The Black Martha Stewart), and we connected instantly. Anyway, she got pregnant right before COVID and invited me to a “modern-day yoga baby shower.” I came to support, but was also just curious about that theme.
I had an amazing time. And when it was over a few of us stuck around and convos got personal. She ended up asking me the infamous ‘Are you dating’ question. When I told her no, she decided to set me up. So I should tell you, in both of my only two serious relationships, I was set up – so I was like no.
But she pointed at her husband, who was folding up chairs, and said that another friend set her up with him. Sometimes, it takes people outside of us to see what we need. A few months later, she reached out and said she had family relocating and thought I’d really like him. So she gave him my number, and I reached out with a text. He responded with a call, and that night, we talked for about 2-3 hours. So that’s how we met. I was a little nervous because me and Rosalynn were starting a friendship, and here I was, talking to her family!
Jason: It was new for me too. Remember, I was new to the area, and I had heard so many “stories” about how people have been done wrong in the dating world. Whether it’s by theft or scamming (laughs). Plus, I had just got a new job and wanted to focus on that. But I did want to be able to date someone in a more personal way and see where it led. I felt like who better than someone who I trust to connect me. Rosalynn knows I’m private, about business life, and my personal life is important to me.
So let’s get into your courtship. What was your first date like?
Elise: We had our first convo on a Monday, and he asked me out the next day. I didn’t have any plans, but I still said no. I was just playing hard to get (laughs). But we were talking every day, and he told me he wanted to take me somewhere I’ve never been. And I’m like, you’re in my city! But he sends me three options, and sure enough, two of the places I hadn’t gone to. So, our first date was October 1, 2021, and somebody was 45 minutes late.
Now Jason, why were you 45 minutes late?
Elise: It was me – in my own city. I just got turned around, and the traffic was horrible. I kept calling him and giving him permission to leave. Full transparency: I probably wouldn’t have waited if the shoe was on the other foot. But this was my first sign of what I now know and love the most about him. It’s his patience. When I got there, I was frazzled and everything, but he was just super calm. It ended up being a great first date.
Jason: I remember just waiting and being concerned for her well-being. Because I know how traffic can be, especially when someone is rushing. I was just scrolling through my phone and looking through the menu. It was cool.
Elise and Jason Robinson
Courtesy
That’s beautiful. Now let’s talk about the “what are we” convo? Did you have one of those and if so, who initiated it and how was it?
Elise: I initiated it. Jason was dating me – and still does. But by this time, we had been on a number of dates. We were on our way to a winery, and we had a bit of a drive. So I decided to state my intention. We were just a few weeks in, but we were spending a lot of time together and we are people of a particular age. So I told him, I know Atlanta can be a Black man’s playground. There’s so many beautiful professional women here. But I’m dating with intention. I don’t want to kick it or hang with a good guy even though he’s not my person. I was done with all of that. So I’m “laying down the law” in my eyes, and he didn’t flinch. He let me finish and basically let me know we were on the same page. He was not trying to sow his royal oats.
Jason: Yeah, I was not trying to be Prince Akeem. But also, it was more so about setting a tone and goal for myself. My mama always told me to set my goals. And having a family was always one of mine. I think the biggest thing of it all, was I felt blessed – in terms of moving for work and meeting Elise, now being married. There’s victories being placed in my life.
I love that you both shared that because sometimes I get feedback on these stories and it seems like sometimes we’re afraid to really voice what we desire, no matter what that looks like.
Elise: Yeah, I think sometimes women feel like they don’t want to put pressure on their partner. But it’s not pressure. Look, Jason and I are based in faith, and what is for us is for us. Being upfront and honest is best – and early makes sense. You don’t have to convince someone to be your person.
Jason: I think her sharing those values resonated with me, and hearing her “lay down the law” was fine because I was there, too. I would say to millennial women, don’t be afraid to tell a mate what you want. You never know what that would lead to. Time is a precious commodity. Elise saying that early on showed me that she values both of our time. It showed her heart, character, and integrity, and I was drawn to that and the mature conversation. In the social media world, we don’t have those pointed conversations face-to-face. I would challenge readers to have those conversations in person, and you would get more from that convo than any post or reel. Because you see body language reactions and have deeper communication.
Yeah, I think sometimes women feel like they don’t want to put pressure on their partner. But it’s not pressure. Look, Jason and I are based in faith, and what is for us is for us. Being upfront and honest is best – and early makes sense. You don’t have to convince someone to be your person.
You both have mentioned time, family, and integrity. I’m curious what other core values do you both share?
Elise: Early on, our faith. Not just do you believe in God. It had to be deeper in that. I needed someone who would lead me, our home, and our family. I didn’t want to be in a push-and-pull relationship about prayer, church, or have conversations about being better people. Also, we discussed finances. That doesn’t just mean going to work. We chatted about ownership and what it looks like for us. How do we support each other individually and together? I know I like having my hands in a few different pots, and I needed someone who was supportive of that and likewise.
Jason: My background is that I was raised in the church. My father is a deacon and my mom is a deaconess. They've been married for 55 years. Faith was very important to me and it was crucial that my wife have that relationship as well.
Elise and Jason Robinson
Photo by FotosbyFola
Can we talk about challenges? Big or small, what are some things you had to grow through together?
Elise: I have never lived with anyone – not a roommate, a sister, friend, boyfriend or anything. Now, I’m in my 40s and I'm living with someone. When you’ve been by yourself for so long that was a challenge for both of us. We weren’t pulling each other's hair out but I’m a bit extreme. Things are color-coded in my closet. For me, working in news is chaotic so I want my home to be peaceful and organized.
Jason: I’m a man, and she’s a woman. That dynamic alone adds a flair to it. She wants things a certain way. She’s a Capricorn. But just in terms of how she wants to keep a home was a big adjustment for me. It took time.
On a smaller level, what are some of the things you disagree about day-to-day?
Elise: Cleanliness and systems. Like, he recycles and I do not. But sometimes I just have to decide if it really needs to be a thing or if I can just take care of it.
Jason: This is where my organization takes over (laughs).
What are your love languages? Do you know?
Elise: Jason’s is an act of service which works because I love cooking for him. It doesn’t feel like a chore to me. I love when I’m out, picking up his favorite juice. The other day I saw he needed t-shirts while folding clothes. So I just like doing small things for him that he doesn’t expect. He’s very much that guy that will ask to help so it doesn’t bother me.
Jason: I’d say Elise is all of them, but physical touch would probably be the biggest one. I had to get used to that. She’s taught me it in a number of ways. I remember we actually talked about love languages, and I sent her this song called “More Than Words” by Extreme. That explained to her how I felt.
Finally, can we end with the proposal? Tell us everything!
Jason: It was at a restaurant. And again, I was trying to find somewhere she hadn’t been. Also, I didn’t want to do it on our anniversary because that would have been too obvious. I contacted one of the restaurant’s staff and decided to change up the dessert menu. Each item was something special to us.
Elise: We go on so many date nights, so I just thought it was a regular night. We had finished eating, and I had to go to the bathroom. They had a nice mirror, girl. So I’m in there taking videos and stuff.
Jason: While she’s in the restroom, I’m getting everything in place with the waitress.
Elise: So as I’m reading the menu, I realize it’s telling our story and he eventually proposed. It was so special; I actually had the menu framed! It was so beautiful and thoughtful.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Feature image by FotosbyFola
Hypochlorous Acid Spray Is Here To Save Your Acne-Prone Skin
If you have acne-prone skin, you know the struggle of unpredictable breakouts. During the summer, when you want to wear less makeup and show off your natural, glowy skin, nothing makes you want to let out a deep sigh more than seeing a pimple pop up uninvited. With breakouts being caused by a combination of factors like excess oil production, clogged pores, bacteria, and inflammation, you need a skincare product that’s going to keep your blemishes at bay.
Luckily for us, there's an antibacterial skincare product that’s doing just that: hypochlorous acid spray.
What is Hypochlorous Acid?
Tower 28 Beauty SOS Daily Rescue Facial Spray
Tower 28
Hypochlorous acid (HOCl) is a naturally occurring substance produced by our white blood cells as part of the body's immune response. It plays a crucial role in fighting off infections by killing bacteria, viruses, and fungi. Surprisingly, this compound is also used in various household disinfectants due to its potent germicidal properties, but gentle enough to be used on the skin. For skincare purposes, hypochlorous acid is harnessed in a much milder form to deliver its benefits without causing harm or irritation.
This antibacterial, antimicrobial skin-saving solution not only fights off acne-causing bacteria but also soothes the skin and treats wounds. HOCl spray is typically produced through a process called electrolysis, where a saltwater solution (sodium chloride and water) is subjected to an electrical current. This process splits the molecules into hypochlorous acid (HOCl) and sodium hydroxide (NaOH). The resulting solution is then stabilized and diluted to a concentration that is safe and effective for topical use.
Benefits of Hypochlorous Acid Spray
Antimicrobial Properties:
HOCl spray is effective against a wide range of microorganisms, including bacteria, viruses, and fungi. This makes it a powerful tool for disinfecting surfaces, wounds, and even the skin. It works quickly to neutralize pathogens, reducing the risk of infection and promoting faster healing.
Acne Treatment:
HOCl spray can help reduce inflammation and bacterial load on the skin, making it an effective adjunct treatment for acne-prone skin. Its gentle nature makes it suitable for people with sensitive skin or conditions like eczema and rosacea. It also helps soothe irritated skin and provides hydration without causing irritation or dryness.
Wound Care:
HOCl is used in wound care to clean and disinfect wounds, promoting faster healing and reducing the risk of infection. Unlike traditional antiseptics, HOCl does not cause tissue damage, making it ideal for delicate or chronic wounds.
How to Use HOCl Spray
HOCl spray is simple to use and can be applied directly to the skin or affected area. For skincare, it can be sprayed onto the face or a cotton pad and gently patted onto the skin. For wound care, it can be sprayed directly onto the wound or a sterile dressing.
If you're tired of battling breakouts and ready to try something new, hypochlorous acid sprays might be your next skincare savior. Here are some top picks to consider:
Tower 28 Beauty SOS Daily Rescue Facial Spray - $28
Prequel Universal Skin Solution Dermal Spray - $17
Magic Molecule Spray - $22.50
Briotech Topical Skin Spray - $14.99
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Featured image by Rawpixel/Getty Images