It was around 2:00 AM this past Saturday when my boyfriend and I were getting ready to go to bed. We shut off our 30th episode of Law and Order: Special Victims Unit and went around the corner to our shared quarters during the quarantine. As I laid down in bed, my heart began to feel kind of tight, but I brushed it off and tried to close my eyes. As my boyfriend began to wrap his arms around me, the tightness in my heart began to spread to my entire chest. I instantly flung his arm from around me and turned onto my back to help my shallow, concave breathing but that only made things worse. I hopped out of bed into the living room, and my boyfriend Gary could instantly sense that something was wrong. I didn't want to freak myself out, but I began to self-diagnose on WebMD and Healthline and was convinced that I was having a heart attack.
I was going to go into cardiac arrest while in quarantine during COVID-19. Way to go, 2020.
I sat on the couch as my boyfriend tried to help me center my mind and control my breathing, but nothing seemed to be working for me. Suddenly, a pain started to shoot down my arms and into my hands - a tingling sensation. Then, a migraine started to match the palpation of my heart - or lack thereof. I didn't want to believe that I was having a heart attack, but these signs were not a stranger to me. It finally came to me - I was having a panic attack. While this may not have been as severe as my last few where I've passed out or had rapid breathing, all of the signs and symptoms were there.
As a mental health advocate, and certified Mental Health First Aider, I'm able to identify the signs of an anxiety or panic attack. Especially with myself as the patient for diagnosis and considering that I know my body way too well at this stage in the game. Over the past few months, I've been managing my depression and anxiety by going to therapy again, keeping my mental health in check and keeping up with activities and people who serve a positive purpose in my life. However, I must admit that at times, it is a little more difficult to keep myself in check.
As I study and practice mental health more, I'm learning more about myself day-by-day, but Miss Rona coming to town has really shaken my mental and emotional well-being.
As a full-time freelancer and creative, Miss Rona has definitely made me change my lifestyle quite a bit and kick my hustle into overdrive. I temporarily moved in with my boyfriend and his sister in New Jersey, my savings account has a total of $15 and a lot of my clients have put a halt to productivity - that's enough to make anyone go temporarily insane, right? As someone who lives with high functioning anxiety, when I crash, it's a hard one - like falling from a thirty story building onto concrete type of hard. I try to make sure that I'm always on top of my own shit while making sure that everyone in my camp is on top of theirs, while worrying about the well-being of my family spread across the country, finances and more. I'm getting heart palpitations just writing this out.
I'm struggling to be OK with being forced to stay inside with limited supply of food and social interaction - and an added curfew of 8 PM EST. This quarantine is forcing me to be with my own thoughts, which is scary for me because I know my thoughts can be a dark place - but I'm taking this opportunity to relearn myself and rewrite my journey.
Where do I want to be when the quarantine is up?
What am I going to do with the time I have now?
How can I stretch my $15 like it's $1,500?
I've taken the past few days to strategize and visualize where D'Shonda is going to be and how she is going to come out stronger from what these circumstances have forced upon me. To anyone who is reading this, I challenge you to do the same. It's OK to not be OK, and it's brave to admit your fears.
All we can do now is assess, strategize, relax and release. Give it a try and report back to me in three months.
xoNecole is always looking for new voices and empowering stories to add to our platform. If you have an interesting story or personal essay that you'd love to share, we'd love to hear from you. Contact us at submissions@xonecole.com.
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The origin of the word "discipline" can be traced back to the Latin word "disciplina," which means "instruction" or "teaching." Over time, however, discipline has come to be synonymous with punishment, with parents relying on shame, fear, and/or physical pain to curb undesirable behavior.
Teaching takes time, so nipping it in the bud in whatever fashion parents deem necessary (within reason) has become the norm. But is this what’s best for children? And when does it become less about curbing undesirable behavior and more about getting our licks back for offenses we feel our children should know better to do?
In my work as a parenting coach, I’ve often heard parents say, “I asked him nicely three times before spanking him. He didn’t stop doing it until I did, so clearly talking doesn’t work.”
And the parent isn’t wrong. Talking often doesn’t work the first, the third, or the even the 10th time. And the reason is directly tied to brain development.
Children cannot and do not process information the way an adult can. Auditory processing is not fully developed until a child is 14 or 15 years old. And even then, if a child has auditory processing delays or Auditory Processing Disorder (APD), they may always struggle with processing auditory commands. According to Susie S. Loraine, MA, CCC-SLP, the term auditory processing refers to how the brain perceives and interprets sound information. Several skills determine auditory processing ability—or listening success. They develop in a general four-step hierarchy, but all work together and are essential for daily listening.
Without this understanding, discipline can easily become revenge because parents will then view their child’s misdeeds as a personal slight. Instead of teaching them to do better, parents now want to show them the consequences of not doing better. This is why it's imperative for parents to discern between discipline and revenge to maintain healthy relationships with their children.
5 WAYS TO DISTINGUISH BETWEEN PARENTAL GUIDANCE AND RETALIATION:Â Â
​Understanding The Intent
Discipline is rooted in love and concern for the child's well-being. It focuses on teaching lessons and helping children understand the consequences of their actions. Conversely, revenge-driven actions stem from a desire to inflict pain or punishment as payback for perceived slights or disobedience. Parents should reflect on their motives before taking disciplinary actions. Ask yourself whether your intention is to help your child learn or to make them suffer for upsetting you.
Example: If a child accidentally breaks a valuable item, a disciplinary response would involve discussing the importance of being careful and working with the child to come up with a way to replace or fix what they’ve broken. On the other hand, a vengeful reaction might involve yelling, harsh punishment, or bringing up past mistakes to intensify guilt.
​Maintaining Emotional Regulation
Effective discipline requires parents to remain calm and composed, even in challenging situations. It's natural to feel upset or frustrated when children misbehave, but responding with anger or resentment can escalate the situation and blur the line between discipline and revenge. Before addressing the issue, take a moment to breathe and collect your thoughts.
Example: If a child cannot follow instructions, a disciplined response would involve calmly explaining why their cooperation is necessary in working with the child to accomplish the goal. Conversely, a retaliatory response might involve shouting, name-calling, or resorting to physical punishment out of anger.
​Promoting Growth and Learning
Discipline should always aim to promote growth and learning. It involves guiding children toward making better choices and understanding the impact of their actions on themselves and others. Effective discipline strategies include positive reinforcement, setting clear expectations, and providing opportunities for reflection and growth.
Example: If a child repeatedly forgets to complete their chores, a disciplinary approach would involve discussing the importance of responsibility and finding solutions together, such as creating a chore chart or setting reminders with Siri or Alexa. In contrast, a revenge-driven response might involve imposing overly harsh punishments or belittling the child, which can undermine their self-esteem and hinder their ability to learn from their mistakes.
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Building Trust and Communication
Trust and open communication are essential components of a healthy parent-child relationship. Discipline should strengthen this bond by fostering trust and encouraging children to confide in their parents without fear of judgment or retaliation. When children feel safe and supported, they're more likely to accept discipline as a form of guidance rather than punishment.
Example: If a child admits to breaking a rule or making a mistake, a disciplined response would involve listening to their perspective, discussing the consequences of their actions, and working together to find a solution. Conversely, a retaliatory response might involve accusations, blame, or shutting down communication, which can erode trust and damage the parent-child relationship.
Seeking Professional Guidance
Parenting is a learning journey, and, disciplining children is a delicate balance between guiding them toward responsible behavior and nurturing their growth. By understanding the intent behind our actions, maintaining emotional regulation, promoting growth and learning, building trust and communication, and seeking professional guidance when needed, as parents we can help our children built on love, respect, and understanding.
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