GOAL-Digger: Here's Why Tiffney Cambridge Is More Than Just A "Rapper's Ex"
Did the song even surprise you or come as a shock?
It did. I was surprised by the song but I wasn't surprised by the lyrics. I told him because we had a discussion about it, he played it for me, I said, "Boy, you know I don't have no million dollars worth of Birkin bag in my closet, so at least take that part out." So that was funny.
Like I said, I do think that in his mind, Jayceon knows what I'm deserving of and he knows what my expectations are and he knows what I'm able to achieve. All of them. So him actually, he knew it and he knows it, and for him to actually write a song about it, it was like 'Ok, alright!' He knows. He knows what's up with Ms. Cambridge. He knows!'
He and I are so different when it comes to how we handle ourselves. I'm very private and discreet. I don't let everyone know what's going on in my world. I'm not the one to broadcast my business. I just don't believe in letting all your business out there.
[TWEET "I think that just because your eyes see something that doesn't mean your mouth has to say something."]
You see enough things. When you have been a high-profile relationship like I have been in, it's very important to not share everything.
Have you ever heard the saying, 'Sometimes we're meant to be in a man's life to help them become a better man, for another woman.'?
Right, I have. I've heard that before.
Do you kind of feel like with you and Jayceon's experience that's kind of what it is? Was he supposed to learn in that experience with you to be that guy to someone else?
Well, when I think about that question, I don't only think about it in terms of just him, I think about it for myself as well. Is my role, for Jayceon, to be a teacher for him to get him all ripe and ready for the next woman? That could be the case. And it is in his position to have shown me exactly what I want, or what I don't want, when I'm ripe and ready for my next relationship. I think it can go either way. I think our relationship has been a learning ground for both of us. I'm older than him and maybe have more life experience than him and maybe have a different way of governing myself. So it may come across as I'm the older one and I'm the teacher.
So just as much as people may look at me and say, 'He learned on her and she is prepping him for the next person,' I think that the same thing could be said about me. I've been through a lot in this relationship. I've had challenges and struggles that you wouldn't believe. The things that you guys see aren't even half the internal struggle, sacrifices, the hurt that I've been through in my involvement with this man.
I've learned a lot from Jayceon. Learning goes both ways. Sometimes you learn what to do and that could be his learning, I suppose. And sometimes you learn what not to do, and that could be mine. And I think both are equally as important. And I think both will help in future relationships.
You mentioned the age thing and being a little bit older and being able to teach him, but do you feel like age played an ultimate factor in you two separating?
I don't think that a numerical number played a part in it because technically, I'm only 4 1/2 years older than him. Jayceon was born in 1979. I was born in 1975. He was born at the end of 1979 in November, and I was born in July of 1975. So we're technically only 4 1/2 to 5 years apart. So numerically, the age, I'm 40, Jayceon will be 36 in November, so I don't think that played a part. I think the level of maturity played a part.
You can have someone that is 36-years-old that is very mature, knows what they want out of life and can appreciate having a good woman and two beautiful children. And that's their choice. 'I want my woman, I want my family. I am a rapper, but this is what my focus is, so I'm going to do what I'ma have to do and then go on home.' There are 36-year-old men who do think like that. But then there are 36-year-old men who don't think like that. So I think that it is individual to the person and where they are in their lives and where they are in their level of growth and maturity.
So do I feel like the number matters? Jayceon is 36. Ok? You're not 26, 25 or 24 and I'm 40. You're 36. That's not...people try to make it seem like it's suchhhhhh a big gap, like I'm 10 years older than him, and I'm not. We're still right there [in age with] each other. So it's not the age, it's what I'm allowing and what I'm not allowing in our relationship. I'm not the one for a lot of different things so it makes me seem like like an old hag.
Maybe monogamy is not the hip thing. Maybe that's not the young thing. Maybe in this day and age, it's cool to have a harem of females around you, that makes you marketable or makes you hot. Whatever. But for Tiffney Cambridge, it's not for me. I don't do that. I am very old school.
I was born in 1975, I grew up in the 80's. I grew up in a time where relationships and commitment mattered. I grew up in a time where you talk on the phone until you fell asleep on the phone, you wrote love notes--will you be my boyfriend, yes or no?--and it was you two.
I'm not here to tell you, another grown person, how to live their life. I'm not going to force my beliefs or values down your throat. What I'm going to do is remove myself from the situation, and let you do you, and so basically, that's what I've done. And Jayceon and I have [still] managed to maintain a friendship. We have two beautiful kids. And both Cali and Justice, we both want what is best for them. We'll both be in each other's loves forever. We have a very close and special bond. He is the father of my children, and we're always going to be together in that way.
I think a lot of women these days have accepted, 'OK, I guess that's just what men do,' so their new thing now is fighting to be the "main" one. Not fighting for monogamy, but fighting for the "number one spot" on a list of women. And I guess that's something that you just won't allow or do.
No, I don't fight for a spot. The other person can just have it. It's really true. I don't have any problem with it at all. I don't do competitions, I don't do "choose me or her," the other person can just have you. Because if that's your thought process, I don't want you. So she can go and have you. My bishop, Bishop Noel Jones, told me many years ago:
[TWEET "Some battles are worth fighting even if you lose. And some aren't worth fighting even if you win."]
And that has really stuck with me. And it's a philosophy that I live and love by. Because I want to be in a situation where there is no choice. 'I want to be with Tiffney, and that's it.' And that is a turn-on for me. That's what makes my heart sing.
So if there is any competition, there is no competition. Just go on and be with the other person. That's it.
So what would it take to impress the lovely Ms. Cambridge?
I like loyalty. I like a man that is very respectable, career driven. I like a man who has a spiritual sense about himself, who is in tune with God. I love a quiet, calm, confident man. And in my next relationship, I would like to be the one that is lead. I feel like in this relationship I was the leader. So finding someone with the ability to teach me something, to be able to lead me in a positive direction, would be very intriguing to me.
You go, Tiffney! In-between teaching, Tiffney is still on her book tour for her children's book, "The Little Girl Who Lost Her Smile," which you can purchase here. She is also doing motivational speaking engagements on the weekends, and you can keep up with her tour dates (and all things Tiffney) on her official Instagram and Twitter.
Good girls may finish last sometimes, but at least they finish. Which is a lot more than most can say these days!
A modest goddess who keeps it humble between mumbles. I'm a journalism graduate with a HERstory in digital media, print and radio. Roll the credits: Power 96, VH1, xoNecole, EBONY, SOHH. Deemed "Top 20 Women in Media" by Power 105. Bronx made me, Broward raised me.
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for daily love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
You're Catching Feelings For Your Guy Friend. Now What?
Let me just start this all off by saying that I will never be the kind of person who thinks that men and women can’t be friends (or that single people and married people can’t be friends). Choosing friends is about looking into someone’s character and how they complement your life; it should never be about their gender or relational status. Don’t get it twisted, though — in order to properly navigate the dynamic between a man and a woman, there are some things that should be pondered and then discussed.
For instance, is the relationship truly platonic? Even though our culture has reduced that word to simply mean that two people are friends and nothing more, the actual definition is that BOTH individuals do not have any type of sexual interest or attraction at all; that only a spiritual kind of love exists. Is that possible? I have a few male friends where that word applies. I won’t lie, though — most of my (unmarried) male friends are more in the lane of, “You could get it. We just value the friendship too much to explore it”…and no, it hasn’t been “game” whenever they’ve brought it up.
Contrary to the notoriously toxic belief of so many folks out here, not every man has coochie on the brain 24/7 and/or lacks self-control and/or is willing to risk it all in order to get some. In fact, not one man in my life is even remotely that shallow.
Now, that doesn’t mean that I don’t get that the line between just friends and possibly more isn’t a tightrope for some friendships from time to time. Like, what happens if the person who ends up “with a little extra,” as far as emotions go for a friend, ends up being you? Even further, what if that question isn’t even close to being rhetorical because it’s something that you’re experiencing right at this very moment, and you’re not exactly sure what you should do about it?
If that’s the case, have no fear. I think I might be able to offer up a bit of insight that can get you through the (potential) internal stress of what happens when you look up one day and it really does seem like, out of nowhere, you suddenly want your guy friend to become something…more.
What Kind of Friendship Is It?
GiphySo before we talk about anything else, the first thing that you should get clear on is the type of friendship that you’re in. What I mean by that is, although we tend to use “friend” to cover all of the bases of someone who we’re not romantically involved with (or isn’t a relative or we can’t stand — and chile,don’t even get me started on frenemies), the reality is that friendships definitely have levels to them (check out “Always Remember That Friendships Have 'Levels' To Them”).
Like,is he a work friend? Is he a church friend? Is he someone you’ve recently gotten to know over the past couple of months? Is he an online friend? Or is it deeper, like a guy who you’ve been friends with for a couple of years now or someone who you used to have in the friend zone (check out “Before You 'Friend Zone' Someone, Read This.”)? Or — and lawd have mercy, if so — is he your best friend, and you’re starting to see him in a completely different light?
Do you see how, just breaking down some of these friendship dynamics, the situations are quite different? For instance, if you have feelings for a co-worker friend, you’ve got to take into consideration what your work environment will be like if the two of you date and it ultimately doesn’t work out. If he’s an online friend (especially if he’s in another city, state, or country), the risk of potential rejection probably won’t be as impactful as if you have to see him every weekend at church.
If he’s someone you already put into the friend zone, I’m gonna tell you right now that if he has any sort of self-esteem, you’re gonna have to eat a few slices of humble pie to get him to entertain being more than friends (because guys tend to move on once they find out that they fall into that space). And if he’s your best friend? Well, while it probably won’t cost you your friendship, it could make things awkward for a while at best or shift the relationship a bit at worst.
That’s why I definitely think that getting real about the kind of friendship you have with the guy is what you should get mentally cleared up first. Then, we can move on to the next thing.
What Do You Want to Come from the Matter?
GiphyAnyway, because I do have a nice circle of male friends, many of whom are single or divorced, I get asked often if it’s hard to be just friends with them. It’s not because I really like what we have as being friends only. There is a type of intimacy and balance of energies that come from a male-female friendship that you can never get from same-sex ones. I value it all too much to risk it. What I want from my male friends — a certain level of protection (because I’m single), insight from a male perspective, doing things that my female friends may not want to do, etc. — I get…and that’s worth more than seeing if the sex would be bomb or if we should try something more and it end up being a bad decision that we can’t come back from.
That’s me, though. That doesn’t have to be you and your guy friend. For example, what if what you want is to explore a sexual relationship (check out “5 Things You Should Ask Yourself Before Having Sex with A Friend”) because you can’t seem to get sex with him out of your head? For better or for worse, chile, back when I was out in these sex streets, that was pretty much my pattern: sex with close friends (check out “14 Lessons I've Learned From 14 Sex Partners”), and it’s not an impossible feat.
You’ve just got to be real with yourself about whether that’s truly all that you want and if you can handle it gracefully if things don’t go as planned (check out “How To Preserve Your Friendship After BAD Casual Sex”) or the sex is so good that now you can’t decide if you’re into him or just into…it. Oh, and don’t even get me started on if he’s seeing other people (because all you wanted was sex…right?). Yeah, a movie that I like calledSleeping with Other People has a scene where a woman is mad that her casual sex partner is sleeping around. His response was on-point: “Keeping our arrangement doesn’t make me an as-hole, but it does make you a liar.” #checkmate
That’s just one example to emphasize the point that, yes, you need to figure out what you want to come from your more-than-just-friends feelings. Do you just want to get it off of your chest and you’re not sure if you want or need to do anything more than that? Do you want just sex? Would you like to go on a few dates to see ifthe chemistry is mutual? Are you “deeply in” and you’re hoping that he feels the same way so that you two can have a full-blown relationship?
Listen, I have watched enough relationships in my lifetime to know that when it comes to something that needs to be as thoughtfully approached as this, it’s not fair to share your feelings with someone and then expect them to know what you want to come from doing so. You need to know…first. So before bringing it to him, figure it out on your own.
Tell Him the Deal. No Hinting Around.
GiphyAlthough timing and delivery matter, I don’t know one man who isn’t a “straight no-chaser” type of individual. This means no hinting around. No guessing games. No 50 million questions to try and see if he likes you first. I promise you that all of these approaches are off-putting to guys and will get them to mentally and emotionally tap out before you get around to making your point. Besides, if he’s a FRIEND friend, you should be able to express your genuine feelings — and honestly, this is a huge plus to telling him: you will be able to see how mature he is when it comes to handling matters of the heart.
Can there be a reason to not tell your guy friend how you feel? I mean, honestly, if you’re avoiding it, I’m assuming that it’s mostly due to fear, and trying to maintain anything with fear as your “fuel,” ultimately, isn’t going to get you anywhere. Plus, the more that you suppress what is going on inside of you, the more it’s going to alter the energy between the two of you, and that could cause unnecessary stress and strain to where either you start unnecessarily projecting things onto him, or he wants to spend less time around you because you’re making him feel as uncomfortable as you are.
Are there any exceptions to this? Eh. If you’re more like good acquaintances than actual friends, perhaps. Personally, though, I think that solid friendships are rooted in honesty — and how can you claim that you’ve got a healthy friendship with someone if you’re holding something as big back as having feelings for them away from them? Logically, it just doesn’t make much sense.
Prepare Yourself for His Response. And Don’t Penalize the Friendship If He Doesn’t Feel the Same Way.
GiphyOnce you tell him, for the most part, there are three ways that telling him can go: he can like you back, he can want some time and space to consider the possibilities, or he can not be interested. Let’s briefly unpack all three.
Liking you back...
So, what if you tell him how you feel, and he feels the same way (or something close)? My two cents would be for the two of you to still go slowly. Where I’ve seen many mess up is they think that they can go from friend to more-than-friends in two days or less, and that’s super unrealistic. Meaning, someone having feelings for you, too doesn't mean that they can, should, or will automatically stop seeing other people or that you two can or should immediately start becoming intimate.
Take some time to really discuss each other’s feelings, thoughts, and expectations — and what you guys should do trying to move into a different relational space ultimately proves to not be the best thing for one or both of you. If anything should take the “ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure” approach, it’s friends who are transitioning into something more — or else.
Wanting time and space...
Going from friends to potentially something different is a lot like shifting gears in a car — and if you move too fast, you can strip them. That said, just because you’ve been sitting with your feelings for a while, it’s not fair to want to rush him after he finds out. Whether he wants time and space to figure out how he feels about your feelings or time and space from you altogether — both are warranted.
Should it be for weeks with no contact? Not if he’s a good friend. On the other hand, should you pressure him into making you feel at ease about what he’s just now learning? Eh. You might want to go to another friend to help you out with that. I mean, how would you feel if the shoe was on the other foot? Right…exactly.
He's not interested...
No one likes rejection; that’s real. At the same time, though, it’s not fair to penalize him if he doesn’t feel the same way that you do. Clearly, if he’s your friend (especially a close friend), he adores and values you on some level. However, if that’s not romantically, try and be emotionally mature enough to know and then accept that not wanting all of what you desire from the relationship doesn’t mean that he doesn’t want you in his life at all.
At the end of the day, if it’s too hard to be his friend when you want something else, you’ve got to do what’s best for you. Just make sure that you’re not going to lose a great person in your life because your ego got bruised or your pride couldn’t handle him not reciprocating what you were offering. It’s not fair, and it could end up costing you…A LOT. Take the kind of space you need to redirect your focus. If he loves you, he’ll be there when you get…back.
___
I’ve developed feelings for a friend before; more than once. Was it always easy to work through? Not always. My friendships always survived it, though — whether the feelings were reciprocated or not. And it was because we valued the friendship too much to lose it.
And honestly, I think that is one of the best things to come out of having feelings for a friend: you end up finding out just how solid the bond actually is. And in a world where really good friends are hard to come by…that can never not be a good thing.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for daily love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Featured image by FG Trade/Getty Images