The Elephant In The Room: Kelly Rowland Reveals The Turmoil Of Feeling "Second Best"
A flower doesn't compare itself to the flower next to it, it just blooms. It doesn't compete for the number one spot, or spend its time worrying about when, how, and why the next flower will flourish it just… blooms. Kelly Rowland recently revealed that she had to learn this simple fact of life the hard way.
Nature can teach us a lot of lessons, some of which can be pretty hard to swallow. This week, a video surfaced of longtime besties and former group mates, Kelly and Beyonce, breaking it down in the name of Rhythm Nation at Janet Jackson's Las Vegas residency show, and proved that their lifelong friendship is as strong as ever. But as we all know, there's no friendship like one that's been tested by insecurity and passed with flying colors.
In the past, Kelly has been transparent about her feelings of being constantly compared to her best friend, and in a behind-the-scenes video of a recent studio session, she admitted some hard truths that she didn't even know were present:
"The elephant in the room for me has always been second best. That's actually the first time I've said that out loud."
After Destiny's Child disbanded in 2006, the three singers went their separate ways and pursued successful solo careers, but one group member would soon be known as legendary. With Beyonce taking over the R&B world and becoming a newlywed, and Michelle reigniting her gospel career, Kelly was left to forge a new path while both healing from an abusive relationship and struggling to find her own light.
Kelly revealed some of this turmoil in her headline-making song "Dirty Laundry", where she admitted that although she was happy for Queen Bey and all of her success, she was silently suffocating in her shadow. Her inability to break free from a toxic mindset and even more toxic relationship eventually affected her relationships with the ones she loved most; including her best friend Bey.
"It was the place that I was in…I was so young. My head was completely gone. That's what happened with my sister."
Although she didn't initially want to release the song, it was able to land a spot on her album and a whole lot of media attention. According to Kelly, walking in her truth (no matter how ugly) was a form of therapy as well as a way to mend the relationships that had been broken by isolation and insecurity. After playing the song from her former groupmates for the first time, she got a response that she wasn't expecting. She continued:
"What matters to me most is what we have. I'm so grateful for what we have as sisters…away from Destiny's Child. I played it ('Dirty Laundry') for her and Michelle. Beyonce said, 'I never left'."
No matter how dope you are, I think we've all felt a little bit like Kelly. We can follow our dreams, work hard, grind our asses off, but your success still won't look like Beyoncé's, because sis, you're not Beyonce. Rather than feeling overshadowed by the brightest star in the room, recognize your own light and use that sh*t, damn it.
After releasing the song, the singer received a sh*t ton of backlash from the media, and we all know how brutal the Beyhive can be. Although some critics claimed her song wreaked of jealousy and envy, Kelly confirmed that it's not like that at all.
"I think the people wanted those stories for years, and that's just so sad on them because it's not like that. It's so crazy, and I just think it's so sad that we live in a world where people don't want to see women get along and encourage and empower each other, and that's what we do for each other. I definitely think it makes friendship stronger."
Kelly Rowland is proof that good, hard-working, talented people are not exempt from the con of comparison. You're doing yourself a huge disservice every time you allow yourself to believe that your competition is anyone else but yourself. Beyonce may be the best at what she does, but that certainly doesn't make Kelly second best; it just means that Kelly is the best Kelly, just like you have to be the best you.
Be like Kelly. Let Bey and all of the other talented women inspire you to be your best because there's only one of those.
Watch the full clip below!
Red Bull Music Studios Sessions: The Kelly Rowland Editionyoutu.be
Featured image by Stefanie Keenan/Getty Images for Baby2Baby
Taylor "Pretty" Honore is a spiritually centered and equally provocative rapper from Baton Rouge, Louisiana with a love for people and storytelling. You can probably find me planting herbs in your local community garden, blasting "Back That Thang Up" from my mini speaker. Let's get to know each other: @prettyhonore.
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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When discussing the topic of raising children, discipline is often the first thing that comes to mind. Children need discipline. Full stop. But what is discipline? And how do we draw the line between discipline and revenge?
The origin of the word "discipline" can be traced back to the Latin word "disciplina," which means "instruction" or "teaching." Over time, however, discipline has come to be synonymous with punishment, with parents relying on shame, fear, and/or physical pain to curb undesirable behavior.
Teaching takes time, so nipping it in the bud in whatever fashion parents deem necessary (within reason) has become the norm. But is this what’s best for children? And when does it become less about curbing undesirable behavior and more about getting our licks back for offenses we feel our children should know better to do?
In my work as a parenting coach, I’ve often heard parents say, “I asked him nicely three times before spanking him. He didn’t stop doing it until I did, so clearly talking doesn’t work.”
And the parent isn’t wrong. Talking often doesn’t work the first, the third, or the even the 10th time. And the reason is directly tied to brain development.
Children cannot and do not process information the way an adult can. Auditory processing is not fully developed until a child is 14 or 15 years old. And even then, if a child has auditory processing delays or Auditory Processing Disorder (APD), they may always struggle with processing auditory commands. According to Susie S. Loraine, MA, CCC-SLP, the term auditory processing refers to how the brain perceives and interprets sound information. Several skills determine auditory processing ability—or listening success. They develop in a general four-step hierarchy, but all work together and are essential for daily listening.
Without this understanding, discipline can easily become revenge because parents will then view their child’s misdeeds as a personal slight. Instead of teaching them to do better, parents now want to show them the consequences of not doing better. This is why it's imperative for parents to discern between discipline and revenge to maintain healthy relationships with their children.
5 WAYS TO DISTINGUISH BETWEEN PARENTAL GUIDANCE AND RETALIATION:
Understanding The Intent
Discipline is rooted in love and concern for the child's well-being. It focuses on teaching lessons and helping children understand the consequences of their actions. Conversely, revenge-driven actions stem from a desire to inflict pain or punishment as payback for perceived slights or disobedience. Parents should reflect on their motives before taking disciplinary actions. Ask yourself whether your intention is to help your child learn or to make them suffer for upsetting you.
Example: If a child accidentally breaks a valuable item, a disciplinary response would involve discussing the importance of being careful and working with the child to come up with a way to replace or fix what they’ve broken. On the other hand, a vengeful reaction might involve yelling, harsh punishment, or bringing up past mistakes to intensify guilt.
Maintaining Emotional Regulation
Effective discipline requires parents to remain calm and composed, even in challenging situations. It's natural to feel upset or frustrated when children misbehave, but responding with anger or resentment can escalate the situation and blur the line between discipline and revenge. Before addressing the issue, take a moment to breathe and collect your thoughts.
Example: If a child cannot follow instructions, a disciplined response would involve calmly explaining why their cooperation is necessary in working with the child to accomplish the goal. Conversely, a retaliatory response might involve shouting, name-calling, or resorting to physical punishment out of anger.
Promoting Growth and Learning
Discipline should always aim to promote growth and learning. It involves guiding children toward making better choices and understanding the impact of their actions on themselves and others. Effective discipline strategies include positive reinforcement, setting clear expectations, and providing opportunities for reflection and growth.
Example: If a child repeatedly forgets to complete their chores, a disciplinary approach would involve discussing the importance of responsibility and finding solutions together, such as creating a chore chart or setting reminders with Siri or Alexa. In contrast, a revenge-driven response might involve imposing overly harsh punishments or belittling the child, which can undermine their self-esteem and hinder their ability to learn from their mistakes.
Momo Productions/Getty
Building Trust and Communication
Trust and open communication are essential components of a healthy parent-child relationship. Discipline should strengthen this bond by fostering trust and encouraging children to confide in their parents without fear of judgment or retaliation. When children feel safe and supported, they're more likely to accept discipline as a form of guidance rather than punishment.
Example: If a child admits to breaking a rule or making a mistake, a disciplined response would involve listening to their perspective, discussing the consequences of their actions, and working together to find a solution. Conversely, a retaliatory response might involve accusations, blame, or shutting down communication, which can erode trust and damage the parent-child relationship.
Seeking Professional Guidance
Parenting is a learning journey, and, disciplining children is a delicate balance between guiding them toward responsible behavior and nurturing their growth. By understanding the intent behind our actions, maintaining emotional regulation, promoting growth and learning, building trust and communication, and seeking professional guidance when needed, as parents we can help our children built on love, respect, and understanding.
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Featured image by Courtney Hale/Getty Images