I am a foreign woman, in every definition of the word. I am all of the things that it evokes in feeling, memory and sound. I am a womanhood that exists on the outside of history, record, country, marriage and love.
In this blank space, at the edge of the world, I peered over. This is where I began my journey into more than womanhood, but into the creation of a new world, a place where women like me are loved.
The chasm in between the two is where I found myself, though it required a bit of a fall. I grew up thinking that the world was a place of great freedom. I came of age thinking that the world was one of great lack. How did we get here? Girls and little queer kids with eyes full of bright possibility at the wonder and mystery of life turn to women who recoil from living. If I had a daughter, how would I save her from the brutality of being shamed into acts of humility that deny her life?
I vastly underestimated that some people use a deeper understanding of you, not to love you more efficiently, but to hurt you more intimately.
When I first embraced myself and openly embarked on the journey of womanhood, albeit a queer one, I was excited about the prospect of what a more modern world would have to offer a Black trans woman. I kicked off the weight of my teen years -- experiences that rendered me both invisible and hypervisible -- and fearlessly led with exploratory pride in my multilayered identity. I truly believed that the only barrier the world had to loving women like me was a lack of understanding and misplaced memory. I believed that if I spoke truthfully enough that I could help set the world on the course of miracles. There was a robust history of women who had done the same and now was the turning point. This wasn’t untrue, however I vastly underestimated that some people use a deeper understanding of you, not to love you more efficiently, but to hurt you more intimately. And therefore, I learned to use discretion in where I place my energy.
This is a lesson I learned both romantically, professionally and in my own personal activism. Slowly, I began to realize that there is no convincing someone to love you and anyone who pretends that there is, by demanding the education of your pleading, is exploiting your need.
Whether it be people who love to watch you labor for love in the interest of their own validation, at best; or collective movements that are hellbent on misunderstanding you for nefarious political ends, at worst. You especially cannot convince the many people you meet as an “othered" woman, who waffle back and forth between obsession, desire, need and refusing you their heart because you are the "wrong type" of woman. Ultimately, there is freedom in not being able to convince anyone to love or accept you. Only then can you put down your arms and allow love to blossom wildly, where it wishes, rather than trying to bend the earth where its brutality denies you.
Venus, in fact, was teaching me: How not to pour my offerings into the plates of other people and their gods, but to pour the best of myself first in the temples of love in my own heart.
For so much of my life, it really felt like Venus, the Goddess of love herself, was really coming down to tell me, “You are just not that girl.” Slowly, I learned that Venus, in fact, was teaching me how not to pour my offerings into the plates of other people and their gods, but to pour the best of myself first in the temples of love in my own heart. Within this temple, I found my heart atop an altar rather than trying to find value within romantic relationships that finally validate the social markers of my womanhood. It is a grueling lesson in love, but one that each of us must learn in the journey back to our own humanity.
The biggest lesson I learned was that not even a legacy of colonialism and its present imperialism can deny my humanity. It can create material conditions that threaten my life and disrupt the systems that are for my survival, but it can not move me out of my own body and lay claim to my soul or birthright as a divine being on this planet. I do not have to fight for love. It endures within me. I do not have to shrink from desire, it is an expression of my hunger for living and emboldens me to be more alive. I do not have to carve acceptance out of my own blood, because I am never forgotten or alone, as long as I do not forget or abandon myself.
I do not have to fight for love. It endures within me.
Now, as a slightly more experienced woman, my values are the same. They are just more embodied. Being Black is more about the moments of private comfort that I truly embrace myself and find peace, instead of trying to bend the world to my will and shout it into loving me. Being a transgender woman is more about the recognition of what it means to be alive, instead of forcing myself into a static and restrictive ideal, and therefore receptive to the mystery of the feminine; to be trusting enough in that mystery to remain open, while confident enough to enforce boundaries without the fear of being abandoned for expressing human needs and desires. In this space life gives to me, though I don’t always understand or know what the final fruit will yield, I give life back with my offerings of creation in response to it.
My moments of embodied womanhood and humanity are now about looking at myself, not through the eyes of what is considered to have social value, but through my own eyes before I learned any of those things.
In the blossoming of this new world and in the creative act of opening its door, I invite you into more love. I invite you into seeing yourself, not through an imagination of lack and competition, where you “are” because others “are not.” I invite you into new eyes. I invite you into a feeling of “enoughness.” I invite you into strangeness, a place that never denies the contradiction of your need in response to the harshness of the world. I invite you into embodied being, a place where women like you are always loved because it is an undying act that will always find its way back home.
Read all of the stories in the Issa Rae: She Comes First editorial series here.
Featured Image: Ponomariova_Maria / Getty Images
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For Us, By Us: How HBCU Alumni Are Building Legacies Through Entrepreneurship
Homecoming season is here, and alumni are returning to the yard to celebrate with their friends and family at the historically Black colleges and universities (HBCUs) that have changed their lives forever.
No matter where their life journeys have taken them, for HBCU students from near and far, returning to where it all started can invoke feelings of nostalgia, appreciation for the past, and inspiration for the future.
The seeds for these entrepreneurs were planted during their time as students at schools like Spelman, North Carolina A&T, and more, which is why xoNecole caught up with Look Good Live Well’s Ariane Turner, HBCU Buzz’s Luke Lawal and Morehouse Senior Director of Marketing and Comms and Press Secretary Jasmine Gurley to highlight the role their HBCU roots play in their work as entrepreneurs, the legacy they aim to leave behind through the work that they do, and more as a part of Hyundai’s Best In Class initiative.
On Honoring HBCU Roots To Create Something That Is For Us, By Us
Ariane Turner
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When Ariane Turner launched Look Good, Live Well, she created it with Black and brown people in mind, especially those with sensitive skin more prone to dryness and skin conditions like acne and eczema.
The Florida A&M University graduate launched her business to create something that addressed topical skin care needs and was intentional about its approach without negative terminology.
Turner shared that it is important to steer clear of language often adopted by more prominent brands, such as “banishing breakouts” or “correcting the skin,” because, in reality, Turner says there is nothing wrong with the way that our skin and bodies react to various life changes.
“I think what I have taken with me regarding my HBCU experience and translated to my entrepreneurial experience is the importance of not just networking,” Turner, the founder and CEO of Look Good, Live Well, tellls xoNecole.
“We hear that in business all the time, your network is your net worth, but family, there’s a thing at FAMU that we call FAMU-lee instead of family, and it’s very much a thing. What that taught me is the importance of not just making relationships and not just making that connection, but truly working on deepening them, and so being intentional about connecting with people initially, but staying connected and building and deepening those relationships, and that has served me tremendously in business, whether it’s being able to reach back to other classmates who I went to school with, or just networking in general.”
She adds, “I don’t come from a business background. As soon as I finished school, I continued with my entrepreneurial journey, and so there’s a lot of that traditional business act and the networking, those soft skills that I just don’t have, but I will say that just understanding how to leverage and network community and to build intentional relationships is something that has taken me far and I definitely got those roots while attending FAMU.”
On Solving A Very Specific Need For The Community
Luke Lawal Jr.
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When Luke Lawal Jr. launched HBCU Buzz, his main focus was to represent his community, using the platform to lift as they climbed by creating an outlet dedicated to celebrating the achievements and positive news affecting the 107 historically HBCUs nationwide.
By spotlighting the wonderful things that come from the HBCU community and coupling it with what he learned during his time at Bowie State University, Lawal used that knowledge to propel himself as an entrepreneur while also providing his people with accurate representation across the internet.
“The specific problem in 2011 when I started HBCU Buzz was more so around the fact that mainstream media always depict HBCUs as negative,” Lawal says. “You would only see HBCUs in the mainstream media when someone died, or the university president or someone was stepping down. It was always bad news, but they never shed light on all the wonderful things from our community."
So, I started HBCU Buzz to ensure the world saw the good things that come from our space. And they knew that HBCUs grew some of the brightest people in the world, and just trying to figure out ways to make sure our platform was a pedestal for all the students that come through our institutions.”
“The biggest goal is to continue to solve problems, continue to create brands that solve the problems of our communities, and make sure that our products, our brands, our companies, and institutions are of value and they’re helping our community,” he continues. “That they’re solving problems that propel our space forward.”
On How Being An HBCU Alum Impacts The Way One Shows Up In The World
Jasmine Gurley
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Jasmine Gurley is a proud North Carolina Agricultural and Technical State University alum. She is even more delighted with her current role, which enables her to give back to current HBCU students as the Senior Director of Brand Marketing and Communications and official press secretary at Morehouse College.
“It was a formative experience where I really was able to come into my own and say yes to all the opportunities that were presented to me, and because of that, it’s been able to open the doors later in life too,” says Gurley of her experience at North Carolina A&T. “One thing I love about many HBCUs is that we are required to learn way more about African American history than you do in your typical K through 12 or even at the higher ed level."
She adds, “It allowed us to have a better understanding of where we came from, and so for me, because I’m a storyteller, I’m a history person, I’m very sensitive to life in general, being able to listen to the stories and the trials that our ancestors overcame, put the battery pack in my back to say, ‘Oh nothing can stop me. Absolutely nothing can stop me. I know where I came from, so I can overcome something and try anything. And I have an obligation to be my ancestors’ wildest dreams. Simultaneously, I also have a responsibility to help others realize that greatness.
Gurley does not take her position at an HBCU, now as a leader, lightly.
“People think I’m joking when I say I’m living the dream, but I really am,” she notes. “So I wake up every day and know that the work that I do matters, no matter how hard it might be, how frustrating it may be, and challenging it. I know the ripple effect of my work, my team, and what this institution does also matter. The trajectory of Black male experiences, community, history, and then just American advancement just in general.”
On the other hand, through her business, Sankofa Public Relations, Gurley is also on a mission to uplift brands in their quest to help their respective communities. Since its inception in 2017, Sankofa PR has been on a mission to “reach back and reclaim local, national, and global communities by helping those actively working to move” various areas of the world, focusing on pushing things forward for the better.
“Through Sankofa, we’ve worked with all different types of organizational brands and individuals in several different industries, but I would think of them as mission-based,” says Gurley.
“So with that, it’s an opportunity to help people who are trying to do good in the world, and they are passionate about what they’re doing. They just need help with marketing issues, storytelling, and branding, and that’s when my expertise can come into play. Help them get to that moment where they can tell their story through me or another platform, and that’s been super fulfilling.”
Join us in celebrating HBCU excellence! Check out our Best In Class hub for inspiring stories, empowering resources, and everything you need to embrace the HBCU experience.
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Everything Cam Newton And Jasmin Brown Have Said About Their Unconventional Relationship
It’s clear that Cam Newton and Jasmin Brown have an untraditional relationship. But as the African proverb says, “If you like it, I love it.”
In 2022, their relationship became public knowledge when they were spotted together at prominent events such as Milan Fashion Week and the Kentucky Derby, as reported by PEOPLE magazine. Newton, who had a previous relationship with Kia Proctor, embarked on a new chapter with Brown after they met and realized their shared values.
In their close-knit relationship, Cam and Jasmin have openly discussed their mutual trust and understanding all over Beyoncé's internet. As their journey as a couple continues to evolve, marked by both personal and professional support, the anticipated arrival of their child in 2024 promised a new chapter in their relationship.
The stars continue to make headlines every time they share details about their unconventional partnership. Here’s everything Cam and Jasmin have shared about their relationship.
Cam Newton and Jasmin Brown on Infidelity
In an October 2024 episode of Funky Friday with Cam Newton featuring comedian Corey Holcomb, the former NFL star disclosed that he has had sexual relations with other women while being in a relationship with Jasmin Brown, with whom he shares a child. This revelation came after Holcomb expressed skepticism about Newton's claim that he only sleeps with one woman.
“As long as I’ve been with Jas, Jas has not been the only person I’ve had sex with. There’s times where I’ve openly had conversations, and this is why me and Jas are growing in our relationship…Jas allows me to speak to her, and we’re able to have banter, whether it’s uncomfortable banter or kicking sh-t banter.”
For the couple, there’s a large significance of open communication. This honesty allows him to express his vulnerabilities without fear of judgment from his partner. However, Brown has openly communicated her discomfort with his desire to pursue other women. Their ability to express themselves, consider each other's perspectives, and provide mutual protection, as he describes it, has fostered his loyalty to her.
At this stage in their relationship, he is exclusively committed to her and no longer seeks the company of other women.
Jasmin responded to the viral moment saying, “TRUST ME, I know WHO and WHAT my ni–a is. Ain’t no secrets or surprises. He can talk to me about anything.”
She went on to say, “‘Why not just be single if you gonna cheat’ I feel you!!! HOWEVER, men just be wanting to f–k. Once they do that, they’re back to temporarily thinking straight. It’s real ghetto out here! I get it! I don’t blame yall for wanting to be single! But if you spend enough time talking to men about this topic, you’ll see that it’s not as shocking as it may seem.”
Jasmin on Being a 'Joyful Servant'
“I think my biggest flex is how I treat my man,” Brown boasted while on theLovers and Friends with Shan Boodrampodcast. In a candid conversation about roles within relationships, the millennial internet personality openly acknowledged her inclination towards submissiveness in her romantic partnership. She further elaborated on her commitment to pampering and spoiling her significant other, Cam.
Brown said, “You know, like packing his bag, unpacking his bag. Just making sure—all the things that he wants. I pretty much read his mind. If I know you, and I study you, I know how you are in the morning; I know how you are by midday. Before you can even ask me for something, I’m already on it. He’s spoiled.”
Cam and Jas’ Open Communication Theory
Newton has shared how in tune he feels with Jasmin Brown, highlighting their open communication and his appreciation for her support and understanding. Their relationship, as he describes, allows them to discuss any topic freely, creating a strong foundation built on trust and mutual respect.
While interviewing Kash Doll on his podcast, he shared that the pair do almost everything together, including going to the bathroom.
"First off, with me and mine, she already know. It ain't no privacy. We [are] in there together. That's our thing. I know this is TMI, but that's my dawg. We got the saying where we're like, 'we're two retired thots that came together.' We see both of our jerseys in the rafters...Hers got more dust on it than me. Mine recently just went up there."
As the conversation progressed, Newton elaborated on the remarkable bond he shared with Brown. Their connection is so profound that they effortlessly discover humor in various aspects of their lives, always having a ki.
Cam Newton on Sharing His Sex Addiction with Jasmin
The Carolina Panthers alum opened up to Chrisean Rock on his podcast saying, “I told her from day one I was like, yo, I think I have a sex addiction. I’ve had sex with a lot of women, so you gotta bear with me to understand me. No woman has ever wanted to understand.”
Alone, he typically dealt with many things, so he was surprised that Jasmin was willing to talk him through it. He explained that it was something he handled by himself. “I had to figure out myself and identify, so it took me a long time to realize, like, bro, I think I got an addiction. It was more or less, I don’t drink. I don’t smoke,” he said.
Cam continued, “I have an addictive personality and challenge, very like you what I’m saying, bravado, broad shoulders, and anytime I see a woman, it’s like the challenge for me is yo, I bet I can. It took patience and, most of all, communication, and I never was with a person who really wanted to know why, and I was blown away like you really want to know?”
Jasmin Brown on Defending Her Man, Her Man, Her Man
During her comedy tour's opening night in Charlotte in December 2023, the Caught Up actress took to the stage wearing her boyfriend's Panthers jersey, addressing the media frenzy surrounding her pregnancy. “If y’all don’t know, I’m the third one, and this is his sixth child,” an Instagram snippet showed.
“Someone said, ooh, right, couldn’t of been me, aight until a rich ni–a put that pressure on you.” Amidst the crowd's eruption of laughter, she persevered, “I could never be with nobody, okay, until a $100 million ni–a start putting that pressure on you. You don’t know what the fuck you gonna do.”
Cam is the father of five children with his ex-fiancée, Kia Proctor. Their children are Chosen Sebastian (born in 2015), Sovereign-Dior (born in 2017), Camidas (born in 2018), and Cashmere (born in 2019). Kia Proctor also has a daughter named Shakira from a previous relationship, whom Newton has raised as his own. Additionally, Newton has a son named Caesar with LaReina Shaw and co-parents her son Jaden from a prior relationship.
Cam and Jasmine welcomed their bundle of joy earlier this year.
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