

6 Important Lessons I Learned About Womanhood From Afeni Shakur
I've always found it strange that my life's most important lessons came from people I would never meet.
We live in an age where vanity equates to dollars, and helping someone is not nearly as important as video recording it for an audience, so it's not hard to imagine why I find these occurrences strange. But to me, it's odd that the strangers who have helped me had done so in the spirit of Jesus Christ - a man they would also never meet.
When someone does something kind for me, or gives me an encouraging word, I can't help but to question how someone living in an age of egotism could find the time to care about me, someone who doesn't even know them? Why am I so special?
I don't think I'll ever have the answers I am looking for in these questions. In the end, I can't help but to be honored to have strangers walk among us in God's spirit, and I feel grateful for their lessons.
One of those strangers was Afeni Shakur, the mother of legendary rapper Tupac Shakur. I started thinking about Afeni's amazing life lessons on womanhood when I discovered that she died on May 3. She was 69 years old.
I've never met Afeni Shakur, and I probably wouldn't have recognized who she was if I saw her on the street while she was alive. But her biography, Afeni Shakur: Evolution of a Revolutionary, changed me.
Before I read Afeni's book, all I knew was that I was suffering from depression. By the time I put the book down, I felt like I had been slapped "woke." Everything that I needed to understand about what it meant to be a black woman going through the throws of life was available for me to read, and it helped me want to live a little longer.
Thanks to Afeni, I better understood the gift of life. Not many people have the opportunity to boast this spiritually liberating act, especially while they're alive. But Afeni did, and we have God to thank for her.
Thanks to her book, I don't feel like her spirit has completely left this Earth. Her soul is invincible, and she bared it all in a book that serves as a blueprint on how to be when you're a black woman, and your pain doesn't seem to want to go away.
This is what I learned about womanhood from Akeni Shakur:
1. ANGER WON'T DO ANYTHING FOR YOU BUT HOLD YOU BACK
In her biography, she talked a lot about how angry she was with her mother, who was physically abused by her father. Afeni thought her mother was weak for allowing her father to beat on her. So Afeni turned into a tough girl. She would beat up on other kids, because she thought that she had to be that way in order to feel protected.
Eventually she discovered that the only thing anger did for her was kill her slowly. As she grew into adulthood, she said that she would often confuse anger for strength, and that drove people away from her. At least that's what Tupac would tell her. She said,
“...All that hating hurts. As a girl child, I just hurt. Everything around me seemed hurtful. And, like I said, we had no protection. I never felt safe. Now, I see that I got a lot from my mother. I have learned to appreciate her strengths, her quiet dignity. For most of my life I have been angry. I thought my mama was weak and my daddy was a dog. That anger fed me for many years.”
2. REACTING OFF OF EMOTION DOES NOT HELP THE FIGHT FOR EQUALITY
It’s hard not to react emotionally when you hear about cases like Michael Brown’s, Trayvon Martin’s, or Eric Garner’s. Afeni even struggled with this, as she was once seen comforting Trayvon Martin's mom at a retreat back in 2014.
The one thing she learned as an activist for the Black Panther Party was that the party had lost the fight for equality, because there were too many emotional reactions. In her opinion, emotional reaction is what caused young BPP activists to attract the wrong attention to their cause, which led to the party's demise.
Afeni said that God would not allow your community a chance to have peace and harmony if your cause didn't reflect the same values. She said:
“You have to have a moral imperative to win...You can’t do that in this world and expect that God is going to allow peace, harmony, and serenity to stay around you. We didn’t understand that. We drew violence to ourselves. We drew bitterness to ourselves. ”
3. FIND A PARTNER WHO IS ON YOUR LEVEL
Afeni joined the BPP to make a difference, but from what she saw, not every woman joined the party for the same reasons. The truth is that some women joined the BPP to meet men.
As a result of her determination and focus, she was shunned by other women in the group, as well as some guys, who spread rumors about her being lesbian or "freaky." But Afeni did not care about the rumors. She wanted to stop the despair she saw in her community, and as a woman, the best way for her to do that was to stick close to a black man of power who could execute those changes.
That's when she met her first husband, Lumumba Abdul Shakur - a section leader for New York City's BPP. According to Afeni, she and Lumumba became partners in their relationship, where they both shared equal power.
To get a better idea of what she was talking about, her biographer, actress Jasmine Guy, asked Afeni if she viewed Lumumba the way Hillary Clinton viewed her husband - as a partner who could advance her career. Afeni replied:
“The key word being partner. I was his partner. We made agreements. We had discussions. Lumumba loved my fire and my candor. He loved debating with me.”
4. YOUR LIFE EXPERIENCES AREN'T ALWAYS FOR YOUR BENEFIT
Back in 1969, Afeni, Lumumba, and 19 other BPP members were arrested in connection with an alleged plot to bomb several department stores and a subway police station in Manhattan. The people on trial were known across the media as the Panther 21.
In her biography, Afeni said that if she was convicted, she would have been sent to jail for more than 300 years. That scared her to death, especially when she discovered that she was pregnant with Tupac during the trial.
Instead of succumbing to her fears, she pulled out all stops to make sure that she didn't find herself having her child behind bars. Afeni said that the experience of defending herself in court ultimately pushed her to make such a great lasting impression, that she was acquitted of all charges in 1971. She described:
“I was young. I was arrogant. And I was brilliant in court. I wouldn’t have been able to be brilliant in court. I wouldn’t have been able to be brilliant if I thought I was going to get out of jail. It was because I thought this was the last time I could speak. The last time before they locked me up forever. I had to make a record there for later, because I would never be able to speak again. And I didn’t know anything about being locked up either. I thought that when I went away to prison I would just have no contact with nobody. So, this was my last chance, and I had to make the best of it. I just thought I was writing my own obituary….”
What she also learned during that experience is that sometimes a rough life situation is God's way of prepping you to help someone else. Coincidentally, Afeni said that it was easy for her to sense that Tupac felt that he would only be on Earth for a little while. She felt the exact same way when she thought she was going to jail during her Panther 21 trial.
5. NEVER JUDGE SOMETHING FOR ITS OUTWARD APPEARANCE
Tupac and his sister as kids. Tumblr.
Most people teach their kids the meaning of value by teaching them to "never judge a book by its cover." But Afeni is not an ordinary woman, and how she taught her kids this lesson was pretty savage.
Sekyiwa, Tupac’s little sister, was a very sweet girl who seemed sort of meek as a child. She was the complete opposite of Afeni.
Sekyiwa once recalled a story where Tupac was getting picked on by other kids because he didn't have flashy clothing. He told his mom what he was going through, and she told him that his strength lied in the fact that he understood the meaning of value. Afeni told Tupac that while his little sister would pick up three shiny pennies from the ground because they were shiny, Tupac would be the kid who would pick up a crumpled hundred-dollar bill next to the shiny pennies.
The good news was that Tupac understood what his mom was saying, and probably felt less awful about being bullied. The bad news was the Sekyiwa was in the other room listening to her mother insult her. Ouch!
Thankfully, no love was lost as a result of the lesson, and Sekyiwa walked away learning something new, too.
6. IF YOU THINK YOU'RE ONLY HURTING YOURSELF WHEN YOU'RE IN PAIN, THINK AGAIN
When Afeni went to rehab for drugs, she had to face what she had done to her children emotionally as a result of her drug use, and her prideful behavior. Her day of reckoning came when she realized that she was hurting the people who loved her more than she was hurting herself.
She described a letter that Tupac wrote her while in rehab, where he said that he could not allow himself to get too excited about her recovery, because he didn't know if what she was going through was real. She told Jasmine about the letter,
“...I remember how it affected me. I went to my sponsor with the letter because I was so messed up over it. That’s when she taught me humility. I was so devastated, and she helped me. She helped me because she told me that the only reason that I was devastated was because my pride was hurt. This is what she would do. She made me see when it was my pride getting in the way of doing the right thing. It was very hard, but she did that for me.”
What came from Tupac's hurt was one of the most prolific songs ever dedicated to a woman (Dear Mama), as well as some of his most powerful pieces of poetry about Afeni that was published in his book, The Rose That Grew From Concrete.
While everyone around seemed to fall in love with Tupac's Dear Mama rap, Afeni had to relive the hurt that she caused her son every time the song came on the radio, and because the song peaked in the top 10 on the Billboard Hot 100 and Hip Hop charts, she heard the song a lot.
Putting drugs before her children hurt Afeni in so many ways, and she had to learn how live with the pain she caused her family for many years. But she learned, and helped other people grow into better people as she discovered herself, and the journey ahead of her.
Rest In Power, Queen Afeni.
Smile, Sis! These Five Improvements Can Upgrade Your Oral Hygiene Instantly
This article is in partnership with Sensodyne.
Our teeth are connected to so many things - our nutrition, our confidence, and our overall mood. We often take for granted how important healthy teeth are, until issues like tooth sensitivity or gum recession come to remind us. Like most things related to our bodies, prevention is the best medicine. Here are five things you can do immediately to improve your oral hygiene, prevent tooth sensitivity, and avoid dental issues down the road.
1) Go Easy On the Rough Brushing: Brushing your teeth is and always will be priority number one in the oral hygiene department. No surprises there! However, there is such a thing as applying too much pressure when brushing…and that can lead to problems over time. Use a toothbrush with soft bristles and brush in smooth, circular motions. It may seem counterintuitive, but a gentle approach to brushing is the most effective way to clean those pearly whites without wearing away enamel and exposing sensitive areas of the teeth.
2) Use A Desensitizing Toothpaste: As everyone knows, mouth pain can be highly uncomfortable; but tooth sensitivity is a whole different beast. Hot weather favorites like ice cream and popsicles have the ability to trigger tooth sensitivity, which might make you want to stay away from icy foods altogether. But as always, prevention is the best medicine here. Switching to a toothpaste like Sensodyne’s Sensitivity & Gum toothpaste specifically designed for sensitive teeth will help build a protective layer over sensitive areas of the tooth. Over time, those sharp sensations that occur with extremely cold foods will subside, and you’ll be back to treating yourself to your icy faves like this one!
3) Floss, Rinse, Brush. (And In That Order!): Have you ever heard the saying, “It’s not what you do, but how you do it”? Well, the same thing applies to taking care of your teeth. Even if you are flossing and brushing religiously, you could be missing out on some of the benefits simply because you aren’t doing so in the right order. Flossing is best to do before brushing because it removes food particles and plaque from places your toothbrush can’t reach. After a proper flossing sesh, it is important to rinse out your mouth with water after. Finally, you can whip out your toothbrush and get to brushing. Though many of us commonly rinse with water after brushing to remove excess toothpaste, it may not be the best thing for our teeth. That’s because fluoride, the active ingredient in toothpaste that protects your enamel, works best when it gets to sit on the teeth and continue working its magic. Rinsing with water after brushing doesn’t let the toothpaste go to work like it really can. Changing up your order may take some getting used to, but over time, you’ll see the difference.
4) Stay Hydrated: Upping your water supply is a no-fail way to level up your health overall, and your teeth are no exception to this rule. Drinking water not only helps maintain a healthy pH balance in your mouth, but it also washes away residue and acids that can cause enamel erosion. It also helps you steer clear of dry mouth, which is a gateway to bad breath. And who needs that?
5) Show Your Gums Some Love: When it comes to improving your smile, you may be laser-focused on getting your teeth whiter, straighter, and overall healthier. Rightfully so, as these are all attributes of a megawatt smile; but you certainly don’t want to leave gum health out of the equation. If you neglect your gums, you’ll start to notice the effects of plaque buildup, which can irritate the gums and cause gingivitis, the earliest stage of gum disease. Seeing blood while brushing and flossing is a tell-tale sign that your gums are suffering. You may also experience gum recession — a condition where the gum tissue surrounding your teeth pulls back, exposing more of your tooth. Brushing at least twice a day with a gum-protecting toothpaste like Sensodyne Sensitivity and Gum, coupled with regular dentist visits, will keep your gums shining as bright as those pearly whites.
Masterdating: A TikTok Dating Trend That We Should Totally Get Behind
Imma tell y’all what — it seems like not one week goes by when I don’t see some sort of so-called term that has me like, “What in the world?” For instance, when I first stumbled upon “self-partnering,” honestly, I laughed. Then shared it with some other single people as well as married folks I know. And I kid you not, every individual was like, “What the heck does that mean?” When I told them that it was yet, one more way to seemingly define single living, basically everyone’s follow-up was, “Oh, brother.”
Why can’t (more) singles just be single and be okay with that? Good Lord. Why does there need to be some sort of relational play-on-words to make it sound like we’re with someone — even if we’re not?
Now masterdating? Even though it’s not even close to being a “real” word, it’s something that also brought a laugh outta me — although it was then followed by a genuine smile. The laugh because I almost immediately caught the play-on-words. The smile was due to the intention behind it all.
If you’re not familiar with what masterdating is and you’re curious about why you should even care, take a few moments to at least skim through what it’s about and why I think participating, as a single person, is a pretty cool (and effective) concept.
@knotlukas Masturdate: a date w oneself
What’s Masterdating All About?
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Masterdating. Okay, so let the word marinate for just a moment. What does it sound like? Yeah…exactly. And since a huge part of masturbation centers around self-pleasure, it’s cool to explore how “self-dating” could produce similar (as far as pleasure is concerned in a broader sense) results. Because masterdating is all about spending quality time with yourself, pampering yourself, treating yourself— and yes, taking yourself out on dates.
Any of you who may think that masterdating is a consolation prize — and a pitiful one at that — for not being able to go out with another human being or get that dream $200 first date that social media was all in a tizzy about last year (bookmark that) — personally, I think that you’re the demographic who needs to try out masterdating first and the most. Why? Off top, I’ll share my three good reasons.
3 Reasons To Strongly Consider Masterdating
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1. It’s an intimate way to get to know yourself better. I’ve been working with couples for a pretty long time at this point and if there’s a pattern that I see arise, OFTEN, it’s that two people are oftentimes so busy trying to “find their person” that they didn’t even know who they were. As a direct result, they found themselves in a relationship with someone who only complemented the “kiddie pool version” of who they were.
That’s why it can be so beneficial to spend time getting to know yourself on the “deep end” of things: what makes you tick, what your passions are, what you want most out of life, what are your interests beyond obvious things — and masterdating can help you to discover all of this. Whether it’s traveling alone or taking out a weekend to drink some wine and journal, the more you get to know yourself, the clearer you’ll be about who complements you on a romantic and friendship level.
2. It will definitely help to boost your confidence levels. I guess since I’m an ambivert, I don’t really get why people freak out at the mere thought of going to a restaurant or movie alone. Personally, I think it requires a helluva lot more energy and gumption to wait around and plan stuff with other people (#Elmoshrug). However, whether you’re an introvert, extrovert, or ambivert, there’s no way around the fact that the more comfortable you get with doing things alone, the more your confidence levels will increase — no, soar — because of it.
One article that I read on the topic said that doing things alone can make you more creative, improve your mental health, and help you to be totally okay with being alone (so that you’re not “needy” for other people’s attention). A psychotherapist from a New York Times article on the benefits of spending time alone said, “Getting better at identifying moments when we need solitude to recharge and reflect can help us better handle negative emotions and experiences, like stress and burnout.” And when you’re able to stare negativity in its face without flinching, how could that not make you bolder, more self-secure, and hopeful about your life?
3. It will teach you to value your time more effectively. In every facet of your world, you’re gonna operate from a healthier place if you’re operating from a “full cup” rather than an empty one. When it comes to this topic, think about it — if you’re constantly waiting on someone to call you to go out or wishing for a dream date with some guy, all you’re doing is wasting precious time that you could be spending taking a cooking class or hell, hiring a chef to make you dinner at your own home.
Indeed, waiting has two sides to it: when it’s in the form of patience, it is indeed a virtue, yet when it’s wrapped up in the notion that you’re not really living life unless you have an audience…it is totally working against you. Choose wisely.
10 Solo Date Ideas To Help You To “Master” Masterdating
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So, what if you’re someone who has either never considered actually masterdating before or you don’t really know what to do beyond dinner and the movies? Here are a few ideas to consider:
1. Attend a workshop or masterclass that you’re interested in. If there’s something that you’ve always wanted to learn, sign up for a workshop or masterclass. The cool thing about this option is there are probably some in your city, as well as some that you can find online (like here) that are convenient and affordable.
2. Binge-read at a local coffee shop. Aside from their coziness and oftentimes inviting scents, I once read that a lot of us gravitate to coffee shops because we can be around people without having to actually socialize with them. So, if you want to “hang out” while still being able to enjoy a bit of solitude, take a book that you’ve been trying to finish to a local coffee shop, order your favorite latte, and sit in a big-ass comfy chair. Usually, you can sit there for hours, and the staff will be just fine with it (another bonus).
3. Have a spa day in the next town. You can never go wrong with a spa day. And while going with a friend can be fun, sometimes there’s too much talking transpiring to be able to fully chill out and relax. So, go off of the grid, get a change of scenery, and hit up a spa in the next city (or town). There are lots of studies out here supporting that day trips or “daycations” can actually be really good for your long-term health and well-being.
4. See a community play. Some of the best solo dates that I’ve ever been on consisted of taking in some of the local arts in my city. What’s really cool about this particular option is, oftentimes, they are extremely inexpensive, if not totally free of charge (in exchange for making a donation or putting money into a tip jar).
5. Plan a trip. Whenever people say something along the lines of, “If you don’t expect anything, you won’t be disappointed,” I know that they low-key have some (additional) healing to do from past disappointments. There’s simply too much intel out here to support that anticipation (of good stuff) makes us more motivated and optimistic, keeps our dopamine levels up, and makes life more exciting overall.
Since traveling alone is more cost-effective, gives you the freedom to do whatever you want (when you want), and increases the possibility of meeting new people and having new experiences on your journey — why not devote a day this weekend to planning a solo trip? All the way around, it’s good for you.
6. Try your hand at your own “$200 date.” Uh-huh. Roll your eyes if you want to, but it’s real easy to talk left about how a man should be able to just drop $200 like it’s nothing…until you actually try to do it. So yes, while taking yourself out on this type of date could serve as a bit of a reality check, it can also “scratch the itch” of waiting on some dude to do it for you. It’s also way less emotionally draining because, at least when you’re taking your own self out, it’s guaranteed that you’ll enjoy the company…right?
7. DIY some pampering. When you get a chance, check out “5 Reasons You Should Unapologetically Pamper Yourself,” “Want To Love On Yourself? Try These 10 Things At Home.,” “I’ve Got Some Ways For You To Start Pampering Your Soul,” and “When's The Last Time You Actually Pampered Your Vagina?” The bottom line here is pampering is all about, not mere self-maintenance; it’s all about treating yourself to levels of EXTREME SELF-INDULGENCE. So, if nothing else tickles your fancy on this list, at least consider doing that, chile.
8. Feed your creativity. Something that I used to be really good at is art. That said, one of my goddaughters is insanely talented, so she has reminded me to tap back into it. Also, a big part of what got me into the writing world is poetry; I actually used to be a house poet at a local spot. Sometimes, my best quality time moments with myself have been revisiting these creative sides of me — and this is definitely easier to do (and enjoy) alone.
9. Try some stargazing. When’s the last time you took a blanket into your backyard, laid down on it, and just stared at the stars for hours on end? While some say that stargazing can teach you to be mindful, others say that being in that form of nature reduces stress, while others believe that looking up at the universe at night can increase your attention span. All solid reasons to give it a shot, if you ask me.
10. DO. ABSOLUTELY. NOTHING. Let me tell you something that nobody will ever be able to make me feel bad about: doing absolutely nothing. I’ve got data to back me up. Good Housekeeping shares that doing nothing can help you decide how you want to respond or react to certain things. I like howThe Guardian says that taking this approach helps you to regain control of what you give your attention to.
TIME magazine says that it can ultimately make you more productive.BBC offers up that it can help you tap into your ingenuity.Henry Ford Health says that it can make you kinder and a better problem-solver. So, if you want to invest in yourself, do nothing sometimes.
Closing Thoughts from the Lovely Javicia Leslie
While some of y'all may know Javicia Leslie from being the former Batwoman, I discovered her back in the day from the indie series Chef Julian (and yes, "Julian" was right to say that "Mo" looks like Tatyana Ali...the real ones know). Sometimes I'll hop on her IG to see what she's got going on and this story popped up within a few hours of me penning this...so, I took it as hella confirmation.
TREAT YO SELF. WAIT FOR NO ONE.
WAIT FOR NO ONE. TREAT YO SELF.
RINSE AND REPEAT.
_____
Sooo…what kind of masterdating plans do you have for this coming weekend? While going out with others has its perks, hanging out with yourself has a ton of ‘em too. Enjoy!
No…for real. ENJOY!
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