
A couple of days ago, I was having the weirdest debate with one of my closest friends. She's married, a mom, and works a full-time gig. Her to-do list is endless.
She recently came into a nice chunk of change and so I asked her what she was going to do to pamper herself. As she responded with things like she made a doctor's appointment and bought some new shoes because her feet had been killing her, I was like "Umm, what does that have to do with pampering yourself?!"
Something about my friend and mine's dynamic is we're both wordsmiths. So, as she expressed that those were examples of pampering and I pushed back, we both agreed that we should probably check the actual definition out. Because pampering is something that I've been super intentional about in this season of my life, I knew what it meant. But as I read the definition out loud to her, it brought me to the conclusion that there's an epidemic of women who don't pamper themselves. Not by a long shot.
"Pamper: to treat or gratify with extreme or excessive indulgence, kindness, or care."
In fact, I'll take it a step further and say that what some women consider to be pampering – you know, waxing eyebrows, having mani/pedis, taking bubble baths, etc. – those things should probably be classified as "upkeep" more than anything else. The definition of pampering backs my conclusion up. Just think about it. When was the last time you did something for yourself that would count as being extreme or excessively indulgent?
A spa day. An expensive bottle of wine. A weekend at a local high-end hotel. A piece of jewelry to celebrate reaching a goal or commemorating a milestone. Doing something that has no rhyme or reason beyond the fact that you want to love on yourself in the best way possible?
If, like my friend, this concept is so foreign to you that all you can think about is how irresponsible pampering is, this article has your name all over it! There are a billion reasons why you should really rethink your stance. Five immediately come to mind:
To “Gut Check” Your Self-Esteem.
The author-poet Aberjhani once said, "Dare to love yourself as if you were a rainbow with gold at both ends." It's one of my favorite self-esteem quotes because it reminds me that if I don't treat myself as invaluable, it's going to be close to impossible to expect others to do it.
And here's the thing – if you're not big on pampering yourself, take out a pen and piece of paper and write down why. If you can't come up with a reason, you have no legitimate excuse. On the other hand, if you say something along the lines that pampering is frivolous or wasteful, let me put into perspective what's really going on. What you're telling yourself is someone as unique, special, and awesome as you doesn't think it's a wise investment to celebrate that fact.
If you really and truly believe that, what does that say about your self-esteem? (I'll wait.)
To “Tithe” to Yourself.
If you're a Christian, don't freak out. I'm not saying that you shouldn't tithe to your church. What I am saying is there are lots of financial advisors who support the concept of "tithing to yourself" too. Not only is it a great way to make yourself a priority but it's also a smart way to save money so that you're able to pay for vacations or that pricey handbag you've been eyeing in cash rather than on credit. (You can learn more about this concept by reading The 'Pay Yourself First' Budgeting Method.)
You work hard. Why not set aside some money each month to treat yourself?
To Facilitate Healing.
Back when I didn't love myself very much (or well), I used to have a horrible habit of making sure other people's wants and needs were met, most times at the expense of my own (and rarely at the hands of their reciprocation).
Then one day, I thought about the fact that when it came to a particular woman in my life, I had spent literally thousands of dollars on her over the course of several years. I did it because when I saw something I thought she would like, I'd buy it. But when I reflected on what she had gotten me over that same period of time, it consisted of a five-dollar ring from some museum and a lost pack of lip gloss (meaning, she said she bought it but I still never got it).
When I let this all sink in, at first I got angry. But then I thought, Why should I wait on her to see my worth when I'm not even doing it? Within that same week, I wrote a list of ways to pamper myself and incorporated it into my lifestyle. It took a few weeks but the anger soon subsided and was replaced with profound clarity and inner peace.
Pampering taught me that I don't need to wait for someone else to treat me well. I can do it for myself. Right now. At this very moment. And the more I meet my own needs, the less reliant I am on others to do it.
To Reduce Stress.
What does heart disease, diabetes, insomnia, eating disorders, obesity, cancer and even premature death all have in common? They are stress-related issues. And you know what? If nothing else convinces you to pamper yourself more, let your physical health be your motivation!
Something else that pampering has done is calm me down. Whenever I treat myself without any real motive than I want it, it slows me down, releases anxiety, and helps me to focus on what's truly important as I also release what's nothing more than background noise.
I've definitely been more self-aware and centered since pampering has become a part of my regular routine. No doubt about it.
Because You’re Worth It.
Recently, I was having a conversation with another friend of mine about the difference between being broken and being damaged. After spending some time looking up the definitions of both words, I am convinced that NO WOMAN should ever call herself – or allow someone else to refer to her as – "damaged".
Life is hard. It causes us to do things – and have things done to us – that can put us through seasons of brokenness. But no matter what, we have not experienced "injury or harm that reduces value or usefulness" (which is what "damaged" means).
Taking this point up a notch, the fact that we're able to survive things like heartbreak, loss, and hard times alone earns us the right to pamper ourselves. It's one of the best (and most effective) ways to tend to the broken areas of ourselves, remind us of our value and worth, and give us the strength that we need to keep going.
If that doesn't convince you to set a lil' money aside and pamper yourself ASAP, I honestly don't know what will!
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How 4 Professional Millennial Women Navigate Career And Self-Care – Read More
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This Is How To Keep 'Holiday Season Stress' From Infecting Your Relationship
Hmph. Maybe it’s just me, but it seems like there is something really weird happening in the fall season air (because winter doesn’t officially begin until December 21) that cuddle season is in full swing while break-up season is as well. In fact, did you know that break-ups are so popular during the holiday season that December 11 is deemed Break-Up Day?
The reasons why relationships shift around this time vary; however, I did both roll my eyes and chuckle when I read that a very popular one is because it’s an easy way to get out of getting one’s significant other a Christmas present. SMDH.
Anyway, I personally think that the less shallow folks out here may contemplate calling things “quits” or they at least distance themselves a bit from their partner (and what I’m referring to is serious relationships) due to all of the stress and strain that oftentimes comes with the holidays whether it be financial, familial, due to their tight schedules or something else.
Listen, I would hate for you and your man to miss the fun and happiness of experiencing this time of year, all because you are so overwhelmed or irritated that you can’t really enjoy it. That’s why I have a few practical tips for how to avoid allowing the typical holiday season stress from INFECTING your relationship.
Manage Your Expectations
GiphyUnmanaged expectations. If there is a main reason why the holiday season tends to be so stress-filled for so many people, I’d bet good money that this is the cause. And when you’re in a long-term relationship, expectations can manifest themselves in all sorts of cryptic and/or unexpected ways. You might have relatives who assume that you are going to be with them for Thanksgiving or Christmas when you have other plans in mind. You might be thinking that you are going to spend one amount for presents while your man is thinking something totally different. When it comes to scheduling, your signals may be crossed.
And you know what? To all of these scenarios, this is where clear and consistent communication come in. Don’t assume anything. Don’t dictate anything either. From now until New Year’s, mutually decide to check in once a week, just to make sure that you are both on the same page as it relates to the holidays and what you both are thinking will come along with it. The less blindsided you both feel, the less stressed out you will be. Trust me on this.
Set (and Keep) a Budget
GiphyOkay, so I read that last year, 36 percent of Americans incurred some type of holiday-related debt. Hmph. Last year, there was still some sense of normalcy in this country, chile, so I can only imagine what finances are gonna look like over the next several weeks. That said, since I don’t know a lot of people who don’t find being broke stressful, make sure that you and your bae set a budget and then stick to it this year — no ifs, ands or buts.
Because really, y’all — it doesn’t make sense to deplete savings and/or max out credit cards for a few days of giggles only to be damn near losing your mind because you don’t know how to make ends meet come Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Day.
And by the way, this tip doesn’t just speak to things like food and gifts; I also mean travel. If it doesn’t make a ton of sense (or cents) to be all over the place this year — DON’T BE.
Keep Matthew 5:37 at the Forefront
GiphyIf off the top of your head, you don’t know what Matthew 5:37 says, no worries, here ya go: “But let your ‘Yes’ be ‘Yes,’ and your ‘No,’ ‘No.’ For whatever is more than these is from the evil one.” That verse right there? Oh, it’s a boundaries lifesaver! I say that because do you see “maybe” or “I’ll think about it” in there? Nope. LOL. It says that you should tell people “yes” or “no” and leave it at that — and that complements Anne Lamott’s quote, “’No’ is a complete sentence” impeccably well. Yeah, you’ve got to remember that anything beyond a yes or no to a request is privileged information; you don’t owe anyone details or an explanation.
Besides, if you are really honest with yourself, when someone asks you something and you give a “Umm, let me think about it” kind of reply, more times than not, you already know what your answer is going to be — so why not let you both off of the hook? Give your response. Commit to that. And let everyone (including yourself) get on with their lives and schedules.
I promise you that when it comes to those holiday parties, you are pissing more folks off by not RSVP’ing or doing so and not showing up than just saying, “Thank you but not this year” off the rip.
Remember That Your Personal Space Is Privilege Not a Right
GiphyA friend of mine recently bought a new house and invited me over to come see it. He’s a single man with no children, so as I was taking in all of the space that he had, especially as I walked through his finished basement, I joked about relatives coming to live with him. “Hell no” and “absolutely not” were pretty much his immediate responses as he went on to say that some folks even had the nerve to be offended when he told them that he had no intentions on taking DNA in.
Ain’t it wild how people think that your stuff is their right? And yes, that brings me to my next point. Your home is your sanctuary space. If you want to host folks this year — cool. If not, ALSO COOL. Please don’t let folks (family included) guilt you into how they want you to act or even into what they would do if the shoe was on the other foot. You are not them — and as one of my favorite quotes states, “If two people were exactly alike, one of them would be unnecessary.” (A man by the name Larry Dixon said that.)
Hell, my friends? They know that I am good for sending them random things that they need or even want all throughout the year. Coming over to hang out at my pace, though. Uh-uh. Chalk it up to being a card-carrying member of the ambivert club yet I like keeping my living space personal — and I sleep like a baby, each and every night, for feeling that way.
Always remember that your space, your time, your resources, your energy and shoot, yourself period (including your relationship), are all things that are your own. You get to choose how, when and why you want to share them. The holiday season is certainly no exception.
Cultivate Some “You Two Only” Traditions
GiphyIt’s not uncommon for some couples to hit me up after the holiday season to “detox.” Sometimes it’s due to the financial drama (and sometimes trauma) that they experienced. Sometimes it’s because they allowed their relatives (especially in-laws) to get more into their personal business than they should’ve. More than anything, though, it tends to be because they didn’t get enough quality time together and so ended up feeling “disconnected.”
Please don’t let that happen. Listen, I’m not even a holidays kind of woman and yet, I will absolutely sit myself down with some hot chocolate and chocolate chip cookies to enjoy a Hallmark holiday film or two. Aside from the fact that most of them are lighthearted and sweet, I also like that they usually focus on couples loving on each other amidst all of the holiday beauty and ambiance — which is something that all couples should set aside some time to do.
Maybe it’s a vacation. Maybe it’s a staycation. Or maybe it’s my personal favorite, A SEXCATION. Whether it’s for a few days, the weekend or even overnight — don’t you let the holidays go by without setting aside time for you and your man to celebrate one another. Don’t you dare (check out “Are You Ready To Have Some Very Merry 'Christmas Sex'?”).
GET. SOME. REST.
GiphyI once read that 8 out of 10 people get stressed out over the holidays and 3 out of 10 lose sleep during to it — and when you’re stress-filled and sleep-deprived, that can absolutely lead to hypersensitivity, making mountains out of molehills and even not being in the mood for sex.
Your relationship can’t afford to go through any of this, so definitely make sure to prioritize rest. I don’t care how unrealistic it might seem during this time, sleep should never be seen as a luxury; it will always and forever be a great necessity.
That said, try to get no less than six hours of shut-eye in (check out “6 Fascinating Ways Sex And Sleep Definitely Go Hand In Hand”) and even ask your bae to take a nap with you sometimes (check out “Wanna Have Some Next-Level Sex? Take A Nap, Sis.”). Not only will sleep help to restore your mind, body and spirit but, when it’s with your partner, it’s an act of intimacy that can make you both feel super connected, even in the midst of what might feel like chaos.
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Holiday season stress is real. Still, never give it the permission or power to throw your relationship off. Put you and your man first and let the holidays be what they are gonna be, chile.
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Dreaming Of A White Christmas? These 7 Winter Wonderland Destinations Are Perfect For The Holidays
While most people opt for a tropical vacation during the winter months, there are still many people who want to fulfill their winter wonderland fantasies, which are more than likely centered on watching snow by the fireplace while sipping some hot cocoa.
With Thanksgiving vastly approaching and Christmas a little under a month away, there is still time to ditch the traditional Christmas home to visit family or friends.
Whether you’re looking to put a new stamp on your passport and keep things domestic with a destination in the States, xoNecole has you covered with a few hotspots for those itching to go somewhere cold (but with cozy vibes) this holiday season.
Aspen, Colorado
Our Christmas queen, Mariah Carey, has been taking an annual trip to this snowy destination since 1997, just three years after dropping the track that would make her the unofficial (but official to us) ambassador of the winter holiday.
Aside from being a key vacation spot for one of the culture’s greatest musicians, Aspen also offers travelers access to world-class skiing and snowboarding and four distinct mountains that provide the perfect backdrop for a winter vacation.
Whistler, British Columbia, Canada
Home to the largest ski resort in North America, Whistler Blackcomb, this destination is located in the Coast Mountain Range and is about 75 miles north of Vancouver.
From luxury spas like Scandinave Spa Whistler to Olympic Park, this is another top winter vacation spot that offers a unique experience for people who love snow and the thrill of a good adventure.
Western Massachusetts
Dubbed the place for a magical holiday escape, Springfield, Massachusetts, blends the warmth of small-town charm with unforgettable experiences like Grinchmas at Springfield Museums, Winterlights at Naumkeag in Stockbridge, Historic Deerfield’s Winter Frolic, and many others.
This destination offers something for all ages, and it’s close to home, making it all the more reason to place on your radar for a winter getaway.
Rovaniemi, Finland
If you want to really get into the Christmas spirit, this just may be the place for you. As the official home to Saint Nick himself, Rovaniemi, Finland offers reindeer sleigh rides, the opportunity to stay in a glass igloo, as well as an opportunity to experience the Santa Claus Village.
Lake Tahoe, California/Nevada
Who says that visits to the lake house are only reserved for summer vacation? A winter trip to Lake Tahoe is equipped with stunning lake views and top-notch ski resorts, including Heavenly and Northstar.
Chamonix, France
Sitting at the base of Mont Blanc, Chamonix, France, is known for its skiing and mountaineering. This destination is home to the Aiguille du Midi cable car, the charming Alpine village, and is also close to various other European ski destinations.
Northeastern Pennsylvania
This area of the U.S. state is home to the Poconos Mountains, whose renowned ski resorts include Camelback Mountain, Blue Mountain, and Jack Frost Big Boulder. Whether you’re a ski expert, a beginner, or just there for the vibes, this destination makes for a winter vacation that balances fun adventures and cozy getaways. Additionally, Pennsylvania is home to the Christmas Tree Capital of the world.
Feature image by Shutterstock
Originally published on November 23, 2024









