I'm not someone who has many addictions (other than the ones in my writer's bio). But if there is something that I definitely know used to get out of hand for me was my fixation with thrift stores. The clothes (and other items) are cheap. The findings are oftentimes one of a kind. And, since everything in the store is used, thrifting is great for the environment.
That's great 'n all, but the (other) problem that I used to have was that I didn't know how to make the most out of my thrift store shopping experience. Although I've always had a pretty good eye, I didn't realize that I could save a lot of time and even more money if I applied a few tricks.
Know better, do better. Through a little trial and error, I now know how to thrift store shop with the best of 'em. I promise that if you apply even half of these tips, you'll enjoy thrifting so much more than you probably already do!
Download the Thrifty Pickers App
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I have my favorite thrift stores (most real thrift store shoppers do), but as Music City continues to grow, it's hard to keep up with all of the ones that are popping up. One way to find thrift stores that are in your own city is to download the Thrifty Pickers app. It's currently got 12,000-and-counting national listings.
Also, a site that provides a decent amount of thrift store listings is Thrift Shopper. Oh, and if you'd prefer the convenience of buying (and selling) locally online, Offer Up is a cool app. Mercari is too.
Be Willing to Drive Kinda Far
A thrift store hack that a lot of people sleep on is this: Don't assume that going to a store in the middle of a major city means that you're going to get the best selections. The truth of the matter is if you're intentional about going to smaller towns, you'll probably end up with the best stuff.
The reason is because they typically don't get enough merchandise from their community to stay afloat, so bigger cities will ship some of their extra stuff in. Because of this, it's not uncommon to find designer items or things with the tags still on them.
Dress for the Occasion
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Something that thrift stores don't have an abundance of is dressing rooms. Plus, most people will break the rules and take at least 10 items of clothing in one to try on which could take for-e-ver. One way to work around this is to go thrifting with a tank top and a pair of leggings. That way, everything will be "snug enough" for you to try things on, on top of your clothes, whether you're able to get a dressing room or not.
Ask Management What Day They Restock Items
There used to be a time when I went thrifting so much (two times a week, easily) that I would get frustrated because I wouldn't really see anything new. If you can feel my pain, the way to not waste a trip to your own store is to ask management to tell you the day they restock new stuff. Most stores do it at least once (if not twice) a week.
Get Kids’ Clothes. Don’t Get Swimsuits.
I don't have children of my own, but I do have two goddaughters and tons of love nieces and nephews. There are a couple of websites where I like to get them things but, since kids grow so fast, I also like to get items at thrift stores too. The clothes are cute and really affordable.
As you're perusing the aisles, here's a word of caution. Please avoid stuffed animals and car seats. If you've ever seen how a little one acts with their favorite stuffed animal, you can just imagine why that's a no-no. As far as car seats go, since the manufacturer is supposed to upgrade them every couple of years, chances are, the ones that are on thrift store shelves are already outdated which makes them a total waste of money.
As far as what you should absolutely avoid buying at thrift stores? Underwear and swimsuits. I won't lie, you'll probably see some cute bras and bikinis there, but since you have absolutely no idea who wore them before you (or what their hygiene was like)…well.
Avoid the Weekends
This one might be a no-brainer but it's still worth reiterating. The weekend is when everyone and their grandma is out in the streets, so if you go thrifting midday on Saturday, all of the good stuff will probably be picked over. Your best bet is to go on a Wednesday. It's quieter, less crowded and usually some restocking has happened by then.
Cop a Few Gift Cards
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Every little bit of savings helps. That said, a website where you can buy (and sell) gift cards is Raise. If you use it to get a gift card to Goodwill, you'll automatically save an additional five percent.
Remember That Vintage Runs Small
I really like vintage clothing. Back when I was between size 5-6, copping some vintage threads was no big deal. Now that I'm a size 10, well. Let's just say that I own a lot less vintage items than I used to. That's because, unfortunately, vintage clothing tends to run small (because there weren't a lot of "us" being major fashion designers back in the day). So, if you see a pencil skirt or cashmere sweater from the 40s that doesn't fit, don't take it personally. It probably doesn't fit anyone over 100 pounds. SMH.
Tip: If you do happen to find a vintage piece you're able to rock, you can research the label by going here.
Use Cash
Even in this day and age, the reality is not all thrift stores take credit or even debit cards. Even if they do, there's a chance that they may require a minimum purchase before you use them. This is one reason why using cash is best. Another reason is because if you've got $50 in your wallet, that is basically your spending cap.
Cash is a good way to keep you on a budget. When rent time rolls back around, you'll be glad that you put yourself on one.
Become Buddies with the Employees
It's a good idea to be nice to employees anywhere you go, simply because you're a kind person. But I'd be lying to you if I said there aren't immediate perks that come right along with consistently engaging sales associates at thrift stores. At my absolute favorite store, I became cool with a few cashiers and it wasn't long before I was getting at least an additional 50 percent on things I purchased. Not every once in a while; every time.
Talk to Yourself
Remember how I said that I used to be a thrift store shopping addict? At one point, things had gotten so ridiculous that I had to tell myself that even if I could get 10 great dresses for $15 a pop, I don't need that many. Half would sit in my closet for months on end which ultimately means I still wasted money. That was crazy since the entire point of thrifting in the first place is to save money.
One way you can avoid having 30 sweaters hanging up in your closet is to ask yourself things like, "Do I really need this?", "Do I already have something similar to this?" and "What occasion would I actually wear this?" If once you ask these questions, all you can say to yourself is, "I dunno. I just like it", rethink if it really is a good idea to get it.
Hint: If you know there's a chance you won't wear it within the first three months of owning it, it's probably best to leave it right where it is.
Take a Friend Along
Whether you'd like to have some company on the way, you want someone to thumbs up or side-eye you while you pull from the racks on or you'd prefer to have an individual to be on the lookout while you're trying on clothes in a back aisle, thrift store shopping is so much more fun if you take a bestie along.
Fun, sales and flyness. It's what thrifting is all about. Why do it alone?
Featured image by Getty Images
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This interview has been edited for length and clarity.
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Thinking about them kinda-sorta inspired this piece because they caused me to reflect on the times when some of my clients have come to me, semi-freaking out, and it was because their thoughts about someone had gone beyond “Hey, she’s pretty” or “Hey, he looks good.” Instead, they were starting to fantasize about certain folks, and they weren’t sure what to do about it, especially when some of those fantasies were transpiring while they were engaging in sex with someone else.
You know, it’s been reported that somewhere around 50 percent of people do indeed have fantasies about other people while having sex with another person. And that is definitely a high enough number to tackle some things about the topic here.
If you’re someone who fantasizes about other individuals, especially sexually, here’s some intel into why that could be the case, along with when it gets to the point and place where you might want to consider actually doing something about it.
What’s a Fantasy and What Exactly Causes Them?
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Whenever you think of the word “fantasy,” what immediately comes to your mind?
Personally, what I find to be interesting is the fact that the dictionary says that there are actually a lot of things that can be considered a fantasy: your imagination, hallucinations, visions, ingenious inventions, illusions — I mean, there is even a genre of fiction that falls into the fantasy category. However, when it comes to what we’re going to discuss today, a psychological term for fantasy is “an imagined or conjured up sequence fulfilling a psychological need; daydream.”
And yes, before we get to the end of all of this, that definition is going to answer quite a few questions as it pertains to the topic of this particular piece. But first, more about the origin story of fantasies.
Apparently famed neurologist, Sigmund Freud spent some time analyzing fantasies and came to the conclusion that, more than anything else, a fantasy represents something that is either a suppressed urge or desire and when you stop to think about what you imagine, what your visions are, what you may long to invent — that certainly tracks. However, something that you should also keep in mind about fantasies is that, oftentimes, they are rooted in few boundaries and can even go well beyond what is considered to be reality (which is something that is based on facts and truth).
Oh, something else that needs to be kept in mind about fantasies is that they are typically relied on as a mental form of escape from something or someone (bookmark that).
And now that fantasies are more clearly defined, if your immediate question is, “Is it wrong to fantasize?” — no, I certainly don’t think that. What I do believe, based on what a fantasy is, though, is if you are fantasizing a lot about a particular person, place, thing or idea, it would be a good idea to ponder why that is the case — why is that a suppressed desire for you, why are you using that as a mental escape and perhaps, the most important question of all, does your fantasy come with any limits?
Now let’s build on top of this…
Now What Causes Folks to Fantasize About Other People?
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As I was doing more research on the topic of fantasies, I came across an article entitled, “What Happens In Our Brains When We Fantasize About Someone.” The author of it started the piece out by talking about a cool connection that she made with someone on a plane, only for her to find herself fantasizing about him once they parted ways. As she went deeper into her story, she mentioned a word that definitely needs to be shared here: heuristics.
If you’re not familiar with it, heuristics is simply a mental shortcut. For instance, if you find yourself needing to make a quick decision (check out “Before You Make A Life-Altering Decision, Read This.”), you may rely on heuristics to do it (even if it’s subconsciously). The challenge with that is oftentimes heuristics will only provide you with a limited amount of data and information, and relying only on that could cause you to not make the best choice, if you’re not careful. And boy, when heuristics jump into your fantasy space — well, something that immediately comes to my mind is celebrity culture.
Ain’t it wild how people will be on social media, speaking so confidently, about someone—or someone’s relationship—as if they personally know them (when they absolutely don’t)? I mean, just because someone is attractive or you’ve seen them carry themselves well in an interview or two, that doesn’t automatically mean that they are the ideal person or that they are someone to set your own dating standards by. If you’re not careful, though, heuristics and fantasies may encourage you to think otherwise.
That’s because the combo will try and get your brain to jump to all sorts of conclusions and, if you don’t keep that in check, it could result in you making premature, counterproductive, or even straight-up reckless decisions — because remember, a fantasy tends to be about suppressing an urge or desire.
Honestly, whether you are in a relationship or not, if you are fantasizing about a particular individual, understanding why you are doing that should definitely be explored.
However, if you are with someone and you’re fantasizing about someone else, you really shouldn’t ignore what is transpiring because, although by definition, there’s a good chance that whatever and whomever you are fantasizing about will never come to pass, the fact that it’s taking up some of your mental and emotional space, that needs to be acknowledged. Because if there is something that you want or need, and you seem to believe that your fantasies are better at supplying that for you than the reality of your relationship, why is that?
Let’s keep going…
What Does (or Could) It Mean If You Fantasize About Someone Else During Sex?
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It’s pretty common that a random song will come to mind whenever I’m writing an article. Today? It was Guy’s “My Fantasy.” Then a sitcom did — King of Queens, and the episode when Doug and Carrie were talking about his sexual fantasies. The song is about images that the fellas randomly have about beautiful women. The episode was about Carrie wanting to dictate to Doug what and whom he could fantasize about because some of his sexual fantasies made her feel uncomfortable or intimidated.
And both of these are a pretty solid intro into whether there is something wrong with sexually fantasizing about someone, especially while having sex with someone else. Well, before getting into all of that, I think another article that I read on the topic brings up a pretty good point — that it’s important to think about where your fantasies are coming from: your imagination, things you see on social media, porn that you may have watched, people who you actually know…and if it’s the latter, is it someone from your past or someone from your present?
Yeah, knowing the source of your fantasies can definitely help you to understand how “deep” into your fantasies you might be.
What I mean by that is, seeing a beautiful man one time and randomly thinking about what it would be like to have sex with him on some beach vacation is quite different than constantly thinking about your ex, the sex you used to have with him and then fantasizing about it For one thing, the beautiful guy, you will probably never have access to. That ex, though? Well, at the very least, that is a bit more realistic, right?
Then there’s the fact that, again, a fantasy is a suppressed urge or desire. When it comes to the beautiful man, is it his looks that you long for, or is it something deeper? And that ex of yours? Lawd, now why, when you have your own man in your own bed, is your ex “scratching some sort of itch”? Because we all know what they say — “he’s your ex for a reason,” so why is he creeping up into your intimacy space now that the relationship is over? Is something unresolved?
Are there sexual needs that he met that your current partner isn’t (check out “You Love Him. You Prefer Sex With Your Ex. What Should You Do?”)? Is something currently transpiring in your current relationship that you are using fantasies about your ex to escape from?
You see, although when it comes to the topic of fantasizing about others when you’re having sex with someone else might seem like the a cut-and-dried, “Don’t do it, end of discussion” — as someone who works with couples for a living, I think the bigger concern isn’t if another guy comes into your mind during sex with your partner…it’s more about WHY is that happening to begin with. Because if you need to escape from where you are, if you can’t be present with your partner, something is definitely up.
When Should You Be Concerned About the Fantasies You Are Having?
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During the last several months of breaking up (because we all know that sometimes breaking up is a process) with the last boyfriend whom I will have in this lifetime, I recall fantasizing about other people while having sex with him. It’s because I really wasn’t attracted to or interested in him, sexually, anymore — but I was a bit fearful of what it would mean to let the entire relationship go.
And boy, is that a huge red flag because I wasn’t fantasizing about some random famous person one time during sex — I was relying on images, my imagination, and previous experiences with other people to literally get me through the act. NOT. GOOD.
Y’all, one of the greatest and most profound forms of communication and connection between two people is sexual intimacy, and so, when it transpires, it really should only be about the two of them. That said, should you freak out over a thought about someone who creeps up into your mind every once in a while? Chile, more people have that happen than they will ever admit out loud.
On the other hand, should you worry if you’re like I was? I’ll put it this way — you should definitely be concerned because the last thing that you should be feeling during sex with someone is like you are suppressing what you need and/or that you want to escape from the moments that you are experiencing with them.
And yet, if that is indeed the case, though, what should you do?
Start with doing some sex journaling. Write down your fantasies, the sources of them, and why you are leaning on them in this season (check out “The Art Of Sex Journaling (And Why You Should Do It)”). If they are tied to unrealistic situations, be real with yourself about that. If they are rooted in potential possibilities, do some journaling about how much you are “feeding into” that reality and what you think would be the wisest way to move forward, both for your sake as well as your relationship.
Talk to your partner. Each relationship is different, and so, while I’m not going to recommend that everyone just blurt out that they’ve been thinking about having sex with their co-worker or college sweetheart while having sex with their partner, I do think that the suppressed urges and desires (in general) should be mentioned. Sometimes, fantasies are birthed out of boredom (check out “If You're Not Having Great Sex, This Is (Probably) Why” and “Common Sex Problems Couples Have (& How To Fix 'Em)”) and doing something like creating a sex bucket list (check out “This Is How To Create The Best Kind Of ‘Sex Bucket List’”) can breathe new life into your bedroom.
Plus, sharing some of your deepest thoughts, feelings, and needs (in a kind, thoughtful, and mature way) can cultivate more emotional intimacy with your partner, and that can definitely be a good thing.
Consider seeing a sex therapist. If, after doing both of these things, the fantasies seem to be getting stronger and louder, you might need to make an appointment with a reputable sex therapist (check out “Have You Ever Wondered If You Should See A Sex Therapist?”). They may be able to help you to “connect some dots” about what’s going on that you wouldn’t have considered without their help, because sex therapists are trained in helping individuals sort out the mental and emotional sides of intimacy, not just the physical ones.
____
Are fantasies bad? They aren’t. However, when it comes to sexual ones, a quote by Benjamin Franklin absolutely comes to mind: “If passion drives you, let reason hold the reins.”
And that, right there, should be a guiding message for how you should process the fantasies that you do have.
Amen? Sho’ you right.
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