If we remove the filters from our pictures, do without the skin-smoothing apps, and untag the designers that dress our appearance up on Instagram, what would be left and who would we see?
For many of us, social media provides audiences with an illusion of what life is like. Throw on a smile and find a caption-worthy lyric to pizzazz the images and voila! We have what appears to be a happy, fulfilled individual, free of flaws and living a life of perfection–or so we think.
I’m sure for many of you reading, this movement of hearts and likes has brought about a new, unhealthy wave of validation, with many of us living dual lives, on and off the screen. But what happens when the same person who is looked at as the influencer feels insignificant because of a façade? Social media is the new makeup line on the market and some of us are trying to remove what you think you see.
Up until this week, Essena O’Neill was a 19-year-old Aussie with a colossal following of 500,000 on Instagram, 200,000 on YouTube and 60,000 on SnapChat. That's until she woke up one day and decided to unveil the facade she was selling her followers. Spilling the beans on the real behind her most liked photos, and even deleting a few that didn’t mirror who she was off the web, O’Neill stunned thousands when she decided it was time to live more authentically. Her messages have been one of building a dedicated following and yet finding yourself lost in the masses.
Want the story? It's simple. I spent 12-16 [hours a day] wishing I could receive validation from numbers on a screen. I spent majority of my teen years being self absorbed, trying desperately to please others and feel 'enough'. Spent 16-19[hours a day] editing myself and life to be that beautiful, fitspo, positive, bright girl online. I didn't talk about topics and interests of me, nor did I pursue my childhood talent for writing. I didn't find happiness in social approval, constantly edited and shooting my life. So I decided to quit [and left] educational captions meant to raise awareness, now I want to start something important.
Noted as an Insta-celeb, the teen gave new meaning to the term "behind-the-scenes" when she made the decision to rename her Instagram account, Social Media Is Not Real Life. Shedding light on popular pics–like the one where she amassed 30,000 likes for simply showing off her same frame and a white dress–Essena O’Neill did something courageous when she edited previous captions to reflect her honest thoughts on each photo. In the aforementioned post, O’Neill revealed that she didn’t even pay for the dress and unnecessarily took numerous photos to get the right shot, feeling empty in the end.
Other edited captions unveiled how much she got paid to promote items and called for followers to evaluate just what we consider #goals, when we don’t know the intentions of doing so.
“Took over 100 in similar poses trying to make my stomach look good. Would have hardly eaten that day. Would have yelled at my sister to keep taking them until I was somewhat proud of this. Yep so totally #goals.”“Edit: I put on makeup, curled my hair, tight dress, big uncomfortable jewelry...Took over 50 shots until I got one I thought you might like. Then I edited this one selfie for ages on several apps just so I could feel some social approval from you." THERE IS NOTHING REAL ABOUT THIS. #celebrityconstruct
One heartbreaking post delves into what many mainstream supermodels have to go through, like not eating in order to maintain a flawless look in shoots, and the pressures of trying to paint life as utopia. Essena also described her life as a photo shoot every day, to paint a perfect picture for her followers–Welcome to the life of some of your favorite IG models.
Without realizing, I've spent majority of my teenage life being addicted to social media, social approval, social status, and my physical appearance. Social media, especially how I use it, isn't real. It is a system based on social approval, likes, validation in views, success in followers. It's perfectly orchestrated, self-absorbed judgement.Standing there and looking pretty, is what I once aspired to do as a young girl. In our society, if you are pretty, people give you attention. So I made my appearance my worth.
It’s through the personal revelations and honesty in her revamped move that spawned a her new site, Let’s Be Game Changers. Her aim is powerful and to go from promoting major brands, to messages that need to be heard and heeded to, O’Neill is doing something bigger than what she did before.
“...Why aren't we seeing rapid positive changes? Why isn't our youth waking up each day with a sense of undeniable empowerment to help the world or even a slight interest in global issues? It's simple, it's because we are stuck living in distractions. A 2D world. An addiction to screen life. We believe and obsess over contrived ideas, images and personalities. We live in a celebrity obsessed culture. We walk out into a shopping mall, watch a movie, turn on the TV, search the most popular people on YouTube, and what do we see? We see luxurious living, genetically blessed people, we see new clothes, sexy workout wear, tight abs, toned thighs, perfectly styled hair, painted masks, spray painted bodies. We don't see real life. This celebrity culture based largely on aesthetics has taken over our own individual lives. We talk about these people like we know them, when in reality we know next to nothing about them, their fears, their dreams, their regrets. We put them on a pedestal and enjoy throwing rocks. We like watching them struggle, we mock them, humour ourselves... yet in the same breathe we complain about how we aren't up there with them.”
It is through the thousands of comments of women wanting to be like her that she felt the need to free herself of the suffocating and increasing demand to actively share on social media. The things we give light to and endorse on our pages is one we should check ourselves on from time to time. I, for one, have been swallowed by the need to always be on Twitter, averaging over 10 hours a day last year and forgetting about what matters most in reality. For me, it wasn’t a subconscious need for approval from others, but the desire to build a brand even at the cost of losing human connection. But for millions of men and women, retweets are endorsements, likes are signs of love, and faves are signifiers of validation. O’Neill opens a door where she lets it be known that these aren’t similar sentiments for those in the spotlight. She also highlights a major factor in her success–her skin color.
[Tweet "Retweets are not endorsements and faves are not signifiers of validation"]
“Before I made myself well-known, I studied it relentlessly. My parents argue I would have spent at least 50 hours a week at this so-called hobby...My success was largely in the hands of my white privilege and genetics. I was thin, tanned, toned, blonde, with a big smile and a push-up bra.”
We live in a world where people are catapulted to stardom for “doing nothing,” and Essena is on journey to be more than just a pretty face, citing some of her photos have no substance. What message are we portraying?
For others, Essena O'Neill's recent message isn't resonating and is coated in fraudulence. A family of YouTubers–Nina, Randa, and Willie–have vocalized their thoughts on the Aussie's revelation on Insta-celebs. In their videos, “Essena O'Neill Quitting Social Media Is A Hoax” and “Essena O'Neill Is Fake,” the pair and their brother paint a picture of O'Neill as a liar and says she's doing it all for publicity. And in true social media fashion, others have followed suit, weighing in on how they don't believe any of it, seeing that she's now asking for donations to help pay rent.
Essena's response to the recent and unfortunate backlash was, “I wish they would have come to me personally, not share intimate details of my life. But this is my exact point about social media. People say gossip and rumors to avoid the real problems.” Bingo.
Photo source: Cosmopolitan
She was also slammed by many who built their careers off of social media, including the CEO of a company called Rise9, which specializes in helping young people and businesses build their following. In a scathing Facebook post, he wrote:
Essena O’Neill is wrong; Social Media isn't a lie.Social Media can be whatever the user desires it to be. Allowing yourself to become pressured into a false life that you're uncomfortable with is the result of your own actions and intent. The inability to define yourself, your life, your own sense of confidence comes from a lack of trying to understand yourself.
Blaming Social Media, calling it a lie, further shows your lack of attempt to understand yourself. Yes, deleting your Social Media is a step in the right direction. Disowning personal responsibility for your own happiness and shifting the blame is a step backwards.
[...]You decide to take money for a dress? That's your choice. You decide to spend hours taking the right photo? That's your choice. You decide to live a life that you feel is a lie? That is absolutely your choice.
Deciding to use Social Media as a tool to tell people Social Media is a lie contradicts that very same notion. Social Media is there to be used for the truth or for the lies. Essena O'Neil needs to find real help instead of redirecting personal responsibility towards mankind's greatest communication tool. I truly hope you do, because Social Media isn't a lie, you were the lie.
Maybe we'll find out if this is all just come big scheme to get more followers as some are arguing (but I can't see how since she's deleted all of her social media accounts including Youtube, Instagram and Snapchat). Maybe others will fall in line and realize that what she said is what's actually important. She could be doing it for the Vine or doing it for numbers, but it won't take away from the validity behind her viral messages these last few days–social media is a craze that manipulates a lot of people's minds. But folks won't admit or double-tap that.
Her message echoes one that a lot of us preach–positivity and living in our truths. It’s easy to like fantasies, but are we loving our realities? “I want to create a site with a community sense of collaboration and desire to help action change; this heavily involves individuals submitting their own game-changing work and ideas, for all of us to share and learn.”
[Tweet "It’s easy to "like" fantasies, but are we loving our realities?"]
Be the change you want to see. There are enough beautiful lies being double-tapped.
Why I think social media sucks from Essena O'Neill on Vimeo.
Share your thoughts with me and the xoTeam in the comment section below! Was Instagram star, Essena O'Neill's social media makeover necessary?
Some women have their whole wedding planned out, from the bridal gown and venue to the bridal party and playlist. However, KJ was not one of those people. “I didn’t foresee a wedding in my future,” she reveals. “I was just gonna be the boss chick, rich auntie. I didn’t force love in my life until recently. I never had an idea of what a dream wedding would look like, it was easier for me to elope.”
KJ Smith
Photo by Stanley Babb/ Stanlo Photography
And to many people’s surprise, that was their original plan – until Skyh brought up a valid concern. He was raised by his grandmother and thought she should be at the wedding, and naturally, that led to KJ wanting her grandmother to be there as well – then her mom – and later her sister – and, you’ve gotta invite the besties too, right? From there, the guest list continued to blossom. Much like the updo and pop of color bold red lip, she wore on her special day, which was initially on her Pinterest board as a soft glam look with her hair hanging on her shoulders, KJ is okay with changing her plan if it brings her and her loved ones happiness.
So let’s get into the wedding, which took place in Malibu, CA. The first thing you should know about the celebrity couple is that they’re non-traditional. They know, and they don’t care. So, in true unconventional fashion, they shared the morning of the wedding together.
“I woke up with Skyh, we walked our dog, had black coffee, and said good morning to the people who stayed at the venue with us,” she says.
Now, it was time for hair and makeup. While she was getting glammed up, she had Black-owned McBride Sisters wine and champagne (which ties into The Black Experience theme) on deck with her mom and friends, had her besties help rework her vows, retried on every outfit (sis is very Type-A), took photos, and ended the early-celebration with prayer and meditation. It seems very non-Bridezilla, I said.
“Yeah, I was the most unbothered bride ever. Everyone was just so supportive. As entertainers, we go on red carpets all the time. We actually have a production company,” she explains. “The get-ready process was like a day at work, but with people we love the most. Being entertainers, we didn’t feel stressed at all, but my excitement was so high.”
Things moved quickly, and before she knew it, it was time to line up to walk down the aisle.
“Yeah, I was the most unbothered bride ever. Everyone was just so supportive. As entertainers, we go on red carpets all the time. We actually have a production company. The get-ready process was like a day at work, but with people we love the most. Being entertainers, we didn’t feel stressed at all, but my excitement was so high.”
KJ Smith and her bridal party
Photo by Stanley Babb/ Stanlo Photography
Since everything started with their grandmothers, the couple wanted to ensure they honored them and planned to keep an element of their wedding traditional. Although we’ve all seen the reception videos and photos online, you may have noticed visuals from the wedding itself are harder to find.
“We planned for it to be traditional, but we’re not like that, so we tried to create those moments. We jumped the broom and had a salt ceremony (where the bride and groom individually pour salt into a glass container, symbolizing their lives becoming one.) But honestly, still, nothing was traditional about it.”
She goes on to explain that her mom caught the holy ghost coming down the aisle, her glam team was on deck, and she became so nervous with excitement that she had an anxiety attack – something she struggled with for years, she explains tearfully. Her friends had to literally cheer her down the aisle because of how overwhelmed she felt until she eventually calmed down.
“Skyh was standing there with his hand on his heart; we have our own little language, and I could feel the support,” she shares.
It was surprising to hear all these emotional moments happened before the party we saw online. That is until she once again got into the backstory.
“As a Black woman actress, for so long, it was popular to be mysterious and secretive, but that’s not who I am or what I like. Plus, we both wanted to create an experience for everyone there. We are the people who always host family and friends,” she says. “Like for me, the first order of business was getting sandals for the women so they can dance all night long. We had oxtail, D'ussé, and a coffee and sativa lounge – which is part of Skyh and I’s lifestyle and routine. We wanted to bring them into our world.”
Skyh Black (L) and KJ Smith (R)
Photo by Stanley Babb/ Stanlo Photography
She went on to discuss the dance routine she did for her husband at the reception, which has taken over the internet. Apparently, that’s another thing that didn’t go according to plan. According to KJ, she had promised a performance at their joint bachelor/ bachelorette party, but her outfit got stolen from her car. So, Skyh ended up performing for her – complete with a strip tease. Still, she never forgot her promise to dance for him.
So, she hired her friend as a choreographer, learned the routine, made friends and family watch it endless times, and attended Beyoncé’s Renaissance show a few days before for a confidence boost. It ended up being a show to remember. But that wasn’t all the night offered. Lil Mo performed, and the guests received special goody bags featuring their favorite Black-owned products like journals, hair care, and more.
“We made sure everyone was taken care of all night. That kind of stuff makes us happy. I wanted everyone there to experience the joy and love I have for myself, my partner, and for them. I wanted them to feel full and whole, and they had the time of their lives,” she says.
But naturally, the internet is going to internet, and while there were countless people praising the event and applauding the newlyweds, some thought it was too over the top. I was curious to know her thoughts on some of the criticism.
“It’s cool. We did what we wanted to do. I’ve decided to share my world with people. Just how I went on social media platforms and found inspiration, I want people to do the same,” she explains. “I don’t think it's fair to my supporters not to give that out. There’s so much I wanna share with brides, specifically Black brides. I love that people are adding it to their Pinterest boards."
"I wanted everyone there to experience the joy and love I have for myself, my partner, and for them. I wanted them to feel full and whole, and they had the time of their lives."
KJ Smith
Photo by Stanley Babb/ Stanlo Photography
“I’m happy with it because we did what we wanted to do. They can do what they wanna do. Don’t be cruel, though, because you will get blocked,” she said, laughing.
The more I spoke with her, the more her sense of freedom shined through. People are always going to have their opinions, but at the end of the day, it’s you who has to live your life, and it seems like the couple realizes that and embraces that power. She also stressed the importance of not living for others and the lessons life has taught her.
“I’ve been to countless weddings, and I’ve been in countless weddings. I’m a generally older bride. So when women in my demographic get married, and you and your husband are busy working people like us, you deserve to have the one you want to have,” she shares.
“This is what we wanted to do. Our loved ones love and support us. We did so much to honor them, but we also wanted to start our own tradition, legacy, and creation. I'm not going to be pulled back into ideas of the past when I’m trying to create a future with my partner. “
If you’d like to see more of the couple, you probably won’t have to wait long. Although no content is planned yet, she admits to being an oversharer. “Me being open and transparent about my experiences lets people know it’s okay to have flaws; it makes you human, and for many years, I didn’t believe that was okay. I had pressure to be perfect, and I’d crumble every time,” she explains to xoNecole.
Now, she owns her flaws and uses them as a superpower to connect with her community and feel and express her love.
“Some people give us [Skyh and KJ] a hard time because they say we just seem too perfect. I’m like, why is that a bad thing? I love the people I love. From my man to my mama, to my friends - unabashedly. We move through time and space how we want to move. If we did it another way, we’d let ourselves and our union down.”
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for daily love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Feature image by Stanley Babb/ Stanlo Photography
