Whenever I tell people that Divorce Court is one of my favorite shows they stare at me like I’m crazy, or like I’m a 75-year-old woman trapped in a 25-year-old’s body, or better yet, a crazy 75-year-old woman trapped in a 25-year-old's body. Yet, the show is currently in its 17th season, proving its appeal spans decades and demographics.
Part of the television program’s broad appeal and popularity stems from its fabulous and wise, no-holds-bar judge, Lynn Toler. In the 100+ episodes that I’ve watched, Judge Lynn has offered up some pretty valuable love and relationship advice each and every time, much of which can be applied to any type of relationship.
Here are some of my favorite tips from The Honorable Judge Lynn Toler:
1. You Can Have the Happily-Ever-After Fairytale
One of the most memorable tidbits I heard from Judge Lynn was this proclamation. I am a hopeless romantic. I am in love with love. But I always hear that the “honeymoon stage” doesn’t last past a couple of years. This is a blow to my very detailed marriage fantasy where my husband and I will be madly-in-love, make-out partners and best friends for the rest of our lives. So when I heard this confirmation that my dream of never-ending romance was possible, I vowed to hold on to this jewel forever. Judge Lynn shares that the romance-filled marriage that many dream about is possible…if both parties agree to put in the work it takes to achieve it. The fairytale marriage doesn’t just happen; it is achieved by continuous mindful action. That means making a deliberate effort to keep the romance alive, and often; whether it’s by buying flowers just because, or complimenting your spouse when they look good, or bringing all the things you love about the person to the forefront of your mind so you can look at them with #googelyeyes. Whether or not you consider marriage as a job, if you want the great romantic ending, you both have to be willing to put in the time and work to achieve it.
2. If You Operate in Chaos, You Will Breed Chaos
Divorce Court often gets cases where the couple lives in a chaotic environment. Judge Lynn calls these “disassembled communities”. These are areas where many of the community members are engaging in activities and behaviors that are toxic to sustaining a healthy relationship or marriage. Now whether you live in a disassembled community or not, Judge Lynn’s advice is still applicable. If you have friends, co-workers, or acquaintances that are living the scandalous YOLO lifestyle, whether they’re single or in relationship, you cannot operate as they do. Of course you’re bound to have that one crazy friend that loves to party hard, but if you want to have and remain in a successful committed relationship, chances are you can’t party with them every weekend, unless you’re bringing bae along. You also should minimize your hang-out time with people exhibiting toxic relationship behaviors; i.e. being verbally abusive, controlling, never happy, and of course, cheating. Even if you say that’s not your way of operating, you can unwillingly pick up some of their habits and behaviors. Most importantly of all, DO NOT TELL THESE PEOPLE YOUR BUSINESS. Sharing your relationship woes (and even tales of triumph), can breed jealousy, and opportunity for unhappy, messy people to bring unhappy mess into your relationship. Protect your bond.
3. The Way You Get ‘Em, Is the Way You’ll Lose ‘Em
This is a familiar saying. I know no one reading this is involved in a love triangle but just in case you’ve recently bumped your head and find yourself in love with someone’s boyfriend, girlfriend, or worst of all, spouse, this one’s for you. Every now and then Divorce Court features a couple and an “other”, and Judge Lynn’s response to this situation is always the same…disgust. No matter if you think this person is your soulmate or long-lost love, if the person is willing to cheat, lie, or be deceitful to their significant other, what makes you think they won’t do the same when you’re together. If you’ve never believed in karma, please believe, just for this one instance, or it’ll be forced to prove its existence to you by way of tragic heartbreak.
4. Make a Life Outside of Your Relationship
This is like recurring theme number one on Divorce Court. Time and time again a case will come in where a spouse or partner is unhappy, resentful, and often accusing their mate of not spending enough time with them, or of cheating. In cases like these Judge Lynn always admonishes the unhappy spouse to create a life of their own. Too often when we get into relationships we focus so much of our attention and energy on the other person, or on preserving the relationship, that we don’t feed our own likes, desires, and goals. When that happens, just like the couples on the show often exhibit, the relationship becomes strained due to the neediness, and accusations of infidelity and neglect. As Judge Lynn advises; find a hobby, go back to school, hang out with the friends you may have been neglecting… make plans of your own. And if on the off-chance your mate is cheating, you’ll be financially and emotionally secure to chuck up the deuces. Your mate should add to your life, not become it.
5. Therapy is Good, Actually It Should Be Mandated
The thing about Divorce Court is that everyone who appears on the show realizes Judge Lynn’s advice-giving greatness and so, oftentimes, couples who have no plans of divorcing, come on the show just to get some of her relationship gold. While that is definitely understandable (I, myself have pondered finding afake husband just so I can be in her presence), even Judge Lynn acknowledges the fact that there are some problems that 20 minutes in front of her can’t fix. She often recommends therapy, marriage counseling being one option, but also personal and private counseling sessions for individuals.
When we come into relationships, we’re bringing baggage, distinct perspectives, habits, life experiences, and trying to combine them all into one functional entity. It’s amazing how so many marriages last when you think about it. Part of the reason they do prevail is because those couples have discovered, over time, or with help(see how I emphasized that part), tools for a healthy relationship. Dissecting the real reasons for your habits, behaviors, and attitudes; unpacking years of baggage, pain, and betrayal, opens you up to successfully adopt new and healthy relationship patterns with your spouse. There are low-cost, and even free, therapy options around the world; and whether or not you’re in a relationship right now, making time to work on being a better you should always be a priority.
6. Communicate Right
This is the last of the relationship gems offered by Judge Lynn Toler. This list is in no way a comprehensive rendering of all the pearls of wisdom she has shared over the years, but this definitely a great one that I believe is applicable to all the relationships in your life, from friendships, to your relationship with your parents. We always hear that communication is key to sustaining any relationship, but how you communicate is just as important. Speaking while angry can bring about damaging results. Judge Lynn advises that you wait instead, until you’ve cooled down, so that you can clearly express your feelings, and it’ll also help your partner/friend/family member to truly hear what you are saying.
Don’t go below the belt either; saying things that you know will hurt can be tempting in the heat of the moment, but it’s not worth the fallout or loss of trust. No one wants to share sensitive information or be vulnerable with someone they think will later use that information against them. Also, Judge Lynn advises repeating what you heard the person say back to them, in order to clarify their intention. Oftentimes what is said and what is heard are miles apart; it’s like an IRL game of telephone. It’s a great way to avoid misunderstandings, conflict, and hours of the silent treatment. Taking time to truly hear what the other person is saying and being open to understanding and maybe even adopting a new way of thinking or looking at things is essential in every relationship you have. You will become a more caring, understanding, thoughtful, and enjoyable individual and partner when you actively practice proper communication.
If you want more amazing relationship advice, check out Judge Lynn‘s website https://www.judgelynn.com/ or catch Monday through Friday on Divorce Court.
RELATED
Whether you're planning to meet a certain financial or fitness goal, or you're simply trying to maintain and build on the progress you made this year, having something to look forward to is always a good look. Setting actual goals, according to research, actually leads to more success than just playing things by ear. So here are a few to get you started, sis:
(Disclaimer: Not everything is for everyone, so do like my Granny always says: "Eat the meat. Spit out the bone." Take on five out of the 40 and focus on that for the remainder of the year, or do them all. Either way, this is just to get you started.)
40 Ways To End The Year Strong and Inspired
Money Moves
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1. Increase your retirement (or other savings/investment) contributions by 1%.
Experts have found that you could be leaving money on the table by not upping your contributions when you can.
2. Cancel two to five subscriptions.
You could be missing hundreds, even thousands, of dollars a year due to sneaky price hikes and "updates."
3. Create a "fun" in a high-yield savings account.
This is especially important if you struggle with the dreaded b-word (budget) and will make next year's efforts a lot less intimidating. Even if it's $10 a month, do it.
4. Put on your big-girl panties, and set up automatic transfers and payments for at least one bill.
It reduces the stress of managing bills, lessens the chance of a missed payment---and the fees that come with that---and there can be cost savings for doing so.
5. Invest in a cleaner or housekeeping service.
Bosses who value their time (and mental health) invest their dollars into areas where the time they'd spend doing those tasks themselves could be better used to focus on other money-making projects. (And yes, rest is part of that.) Get a housekeeper, sis, or drop off that laundry, even if it's once per month.
6. Donate to a charity.
Beyond the tax benefits, it's a win-win for the greater good of communities you care about.
7. Review your insurance policies and negotiate a better rate (or move on) before their end dates.
Experts often agree this is a small but mighty step to take each year, especially since insurance rates are competitive, you could be spending more money than you need to (or not enough) and your insurance rates can affect your mortgage payments.
8. Call your loan provider and refinance.
As interest rates fall, “millions of borrowers may be able to refinance and get more affordable payments. As interest rates eased down to 6.5%, about 2.5 million borrowers could already refinance and save at least 75 basis points (0.75%) on their interest rate,” the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau reports. You can also refinance student and other types of loans.
9. Stop buying individual items and stock up via going bulk.
Research has found that, among 30 common products, buying in bulk could save you 27% compared with buying in lower quantities. Water, paper products, and baby products like diapers, toiletries, and garbage bags are the top items where people see the most cost-effectiveness. (This has been a lifesaver for me—children, large family, or not—especially when it comes to toothpaste, deodorant, toilet paper, and feminine hygiene products, saving stress, time, and money.)
10. Go cash-only for the holidays.
If you set smart goals and stick to limits on things like gifts, going out to eat, or groceries, you'll see the benefits of this. Cash-stuffing is one method recommended, but something as simple as taking a $10 bill out for lunch, disabling that card for an hour, and leaving your card in a safe place at the office can give you that mindset jump start to see how far you can take your money without the need to splurge.
Love And Romance
11. Say "no."
There are clear mental and physical health benefits to saying no including the setting of healthy boundaries, creating time and energy for other self-care activities, and protecting yourself from physically harmful situations (i.e. unprotected sex or abuse). Just say it, clearly and simply, when you need to.
12. Set a fun, free, adults-only date night for once a week or twice a month with your spouse.
If busy, high-profile folk have touted the success of this, even you can make the time for quality time with your partner. And it's even better when it costs nothing. The best connections are made doing something chill, challenging, or outside the usual dinner-and-a-movie date. Play a game that allows you to reconnect, take a walk in your neighborhood to chat and laugh, or try a little erotic chocolate/edible liquid/paint episode a la Mea Culpa.
13. Go out with Mr. or Ms. "Not My Type."
I love my man, but if I were waiting out for my "type" at the time, we wouldn't be celebrating seven (going on eight) years together. Sometimes having strict, unrealistic expectations for a spouse (especially related to things like height, physical features, or career path) is what's keeping you alone and lonely.
Take the pressure off and explore all your options. I'm not telling you to stop popping the balloon on the guy who earns $20,000 less than you if that's a hard no that Jesus himself told you to skip. I'm asking you to explore other options and see what else God might have out there for your love journey.
14. Immediately apologize and pray together.
I've learned that always being "right" isn't always ideal when you truly care about someone and you're in a relationship for the long haul. Defaulting to an apology when necessary, even when things aren't 100% resolved, is a good way to prioritize peace and save your energy for more worthwhile battles. Research has even supported the benefits of apologies in relationships, and how couples married for five or more years do it often.
15. Get a Rose and discover true self-love.
Do I really have to explain this? You've gotta know what satisfies you, and how better to figure that out than to practice self-love in the bed by yourself? You can also try this with a partner, but as a woman who got on this train very much later in my sexual activity journey. I have a lot more learning to do on my own, and even in a satisfying relationship, I like to find out new things about myself, by myself.
Figure out what you're into, watch what you want to watch, and read what you want to read to define pleasure for yourself. There's a freedom and empowering element there especially if you're used to prioritizing pleasing your partner.
16. Be direct and have the "money talk" with bae.
Money issues are one of the leading causes of divorce, so you need to have those conversations before you even think about marrying someone. And true, nobody can predict the future so you won't be able to avoid some challenges altogether, however, talking with your potential spouse about how they view money, their spending habits, and the pain points in terms of their approach to money management can at least give you a glimpse into what's in store if you do walk down the aisle, move in with them, or decide to share a bank account/business/child with them.
17. Invest in the "paid" version of that dating app.
I know plenty of successful, married folk who did this and met "the one" as a result. Let's be honest: The free version is for playing around. I had a lot of fun with my "free" profile back in the day, trust me. Upgrade that photo, profile, and package, and see if the quality of your dating adventures changes when you're serious about finding a true partner. Dating coaches and matchmakers cosign this.
18. Solo travel to meet that long-distance connection.
Sometimes, your perfect match isn't within 100 miles of you, and that's okay. Make it an adventure, enjoy the memories, and book that ticket. I met my man this way and it's been a whirlwind escape ever since. If you're not comfortable traveling solo, travel or (network to plan travel) with a group via Facebook.
Career And Business
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19. Schedule coffee or virtual meetups with smart people from your graduating class, previous employer, or current employer.
I have gotten many freelance opportunities by doing this. It's as simple as connecting and offering value (or simply learning how you can better equip yourself to do so.) It's also a great way to expand your network, spark new friendships, or find out about new job opportunities.
20. Invest in a well-made suit.
I don't care what industry you're in, a suit says "power," and it's not as old-school or out-of-style as you'd think. Plus the whole experience of looking for a new one (or getting one tailored) is fun and affirming. Try these options. I swear, anytime I wear a blazer, I'm treated like a celebrity or boss, especially when traveling. I was once upgraded to first-class wearing a yellow blazer outfit, and the airline professional literally said, "You look like somebody important. Here you go."
21. Volunteer for a worthwhile project or cause that's important to your company.
If you're overworked and underappreciated, skip this one, but if you truly have the time, love what you do, and want to advance, this move is clutch. Volunteering for extra projects got me where I am today in media because I had foresight, and knew that was the only way at the time to leverage relationships, and I was able to challenge myself to learn skills that 20 years later are still bankable. That VP you can't get a meeting with will be at that gala your company is planning, so join that committee, sis.
22. Write down why you deserve a raise and ask for it in your next one-on-one.
Gather those receipts (ie sales increase numbers, KPIs met, deals closed, people acquired via recruitment, the impact of systems updates, or other tangible success metrics) and ask for that raise before the first or second-quarter budgets are being finalized.
23. Instead of quitting, write down your exit plan.
While revenge quitting is set to be a thing next year (and maybe you're among those who will be leading the trend), try the better boss move and quit with a real plan.
24. Start automatically separating that estimated self-employed quarterly tax estimate.
If you have side hustles (or you're collecting 1099 income,) baby, you do not want to neglect those quarter tax payments. Talk to a professional, do your research, and set up automatic transfers to an account specifically for paying these at the appropriate due dates.
25. Sign up for a free one- to 11-week course related to your industry—or the industry you want to be in next year.
Institutions like Harvard University and platforms like Coursera offer free courses that can enhance your skills. You can also invest in certificate courses with accredited colleges as well as tech training.
26. Hit "Easy Apply" for 10 dream jobs listed on LinkedIn.
While you shouldn't solely rely on this when actively job-seeking, using this convenient LinkedIn option is a great way to get into the habit of applying for positions. And if you're already employed, you should still be "dating" other employers if you're looking to make a move in the next six months. Keep your interview skills sharp, practice toughening up for the "nos," and get a bit of an ego boost in the process.
Self-Care And Wellness
27. Pre-schedule three month's worth of massages.
Oftentimes this is cost-effective since some spas offer deals for multiple bookings. Also, it makes an act of self-care deliberate and important, not an option. When you get that reminder call, you'll know it's real.
28. Fire that therapist and try another one.
Cultural competency in mental health support is one major problem that can hinder Black women from even bothering with therapy. And who wants the added stress of spending multiple, paid sessions explaining why something is a microaggression? Cut the cord and move on to try someone else, either via a Black women therapists channel or recommendations from others.
29. Join a small group at church.
Bedside service ain't gonna cut it and neither is going to the usual Sunday service. Join a smaller group and upgrade your efforts to connect, network, and elevate spiritually. Even if virtually, take a step to dig a bit deeper with more targeted Bible study and discussions.
30. Say no, even to loved ones.
This is on here twice, for a reason. Saying no is the simplest, most powerful micro-action you can take today to make 2025 better. No explanations. No guilt. Say no.
31. Choose one "luxury" beauty product for skincare and stick to it.
This was trending big on social, especially for millennials hitting their 40s. There's just something so freeing about not giving in to every trend and sticking to the basics that work, especially when there are quality, healthy ingredients involved. Put those orders on auto-renew.
32. Sign up for a new sport or fitness class just for fun, not for results.
It's great to be on a weight-loss or weight-lifting journey, but try something just for the fun of it. Switch things up with a couple of these fitness activities.
33. Book a staycation.
Leave the passport at home and explore a nearby community or another town in your state. There's so much enrichment in your own backyard right here in the U.S., and you don't even have to break the bank.
34. Pre-schedule your mammograms, Pap smear, and peri-menopause checkups for next year.
Take control of your health by pre-scheduling essential appointments like mammograms, Pap smears, and peri-menopause check-ups for 2025. Prioritizing these screenings early ensures you stay on top of your wellness and make time for self-care in the new year.
35. Cut off support of beauty and wellness professionals whose customer service is below standard.
This is another one that many Black women have been vocal about—from unrealistic pre-appointment requirements, to booking fees, to long waits, to unsavory in-salon experiences. Spot the red flags early, and just stop accommodating foolishness. Support salons or experienced stylists who are kind, have proper systems in place and value your time.
36. Schedule five to 10-minute moments of silence on your calendar.
Again, wellness is not optional, and if it's not on my calendar, it's not official. Sit quietly. Pray. Meditate. Or do nothing. The benefits of silent moments are almost endless.
37. Download a meditation app.
If you've found that meditation is difficult to schedule or to even start, an app can help. Try this, this, or this one, and take that step to embrace something new to enhance your wellness routine. If you're tired of downloading apps, create a playlist for meditation via Amazon Music or Spotify and schedule a reminder to do it once a day or week.
38. Invest in a healthy meal prep or delivery service.
Time is emotionally expensive, so save as much of it as possible. Getting into meal prep to keep to your goals is a great way to save time, stress, and effort. The health benefits of meal prepping have also been proven via research.
39. Create a positive playlist on Spotify, Amazon Music, YouTube, or other streaming platform.
It can be podcasts, music, affirmations, or somatic sounds. It's a game-changer. You can even set an alarm to wake you up to start your day with the positive playlist. Not into creating your own? There are plenty to choose from with a quick search.
40. Set up reminders for Alexa (Siri or other AI) to remind you, "You are loved," and "You are okay."
This simple effort can boost your endorphins and remind you that you're indeed, not alone, and you will be okay, regardless. To set mine up, I simply commanded, "Alexa, remind me everyday 'Jesus loves me,'" and like clockwork she does. She almost scared the ish out of me one day when I'd forgotten the reminder was active, but it was the reminder I needed when anxiety had gotten the best of me that week.
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