What Courtesy of Divorce Court Taught Me About Love & Relationships
Whenever I tell people that Divorce Court is one of my favorite shows they stare at me like I’m crazy, or like I’m a 75-year-old woman trapped in a 25-year-old’s body, or better yet, a crazy 75-year-old woman trapped in a 25-year-old's body. Yet, the show is currently in its 17th season, proving its appeal spans decades and demographics.
Part of the television program’s broad appeal and popularity stems from its fabulous and wise, no-holds-bar judge, Lynn Toler. In the 100+ episodes that I’ve watched, Judge Lynn has offered up some pretty valuable love and relationship advice each and every time, much of which can be applied to any type of relationship.
Here are some of my favorite tips from The Honorable Judge Lynn Toler:
1. You Can Have the Happily-Ever-After Fairytale
One of the most memorable tidbits I heard from Judge Lynn was this proclamation. I am a hopeless romantic. I am in love with love. But I always hear that the “honeymoon stage” doesn’t last past a couple of years. This is a blow to my very detailed marriage fantasy where my husband and I will be madly-in-love, make-out partners and best friends for the rest of our lives. So when I heard this confirmation that my dream of never-ending romance was possible, I vowed to hold on to this jewel forever. Judge Lynn shares that the romance-filled marriage that many dream about is possible…if both parties agree to put in the work it takes to achieve it. The fairytale marriage doesn’t just happen; it is achieved by continuous mindful action. That means making a deliberate effort to keep the romance alive, and often; whether it’s by buying flowers just because, or complimenting your spouse when they look good, or bringing all the things you love about the person to the forefront of your mind so you can look at them with #googelyeyes. Whether or not you consider marriage as a job, if you want the great romantic ending, you both have to be willing to put in the time and work to achieve it.
2. If You Operate in Chaos, You Will Breed Chaos
Divorce Court often gets cases where the couple lives in a chaotic environment. Judge Lynn calls these “disassembled communities”. These are areas where many of the community members are engaging in activities and behaviors that are toxic to sustaining a healthy relationship or marriage. Now whether you live in a disassembled community or not, Judge Lynn’s advice is still applicable. If you have friends, co-workers, or acquaintances that are living the scandalous YOLO lifestyle, whether they’re single or in relationship, you cannot operate as they do. Of course you’re bound to have that one crazy friend that loves to party hard, but if you want to have and remain in a successful committed relationship, chances are you can’t party with them every weekend, unless you’re bringing bae along. You also should minimize your hang-out time with people exhibiting toxic relationship behaviors; i.e. being verbally abusive, controlling, never happy, and of course, cheating. Even if you say that’s not your way of operating, you can unwillingly pick up some of their habits and behaviors. Most importantly of all, DO NOT TELL THESE PEOPLE YOUR BUSINESS. Sharing your relationship woes (and even tales of triumph), can breed jealousy, and opportunity for unhappy, messy people to bring unhappy mess into your relationship. Protect your bond.
3. The Way You Get ‘Em, Is the Way You’ll Lose ‘Em
This is a familiar saying. I know no one reading this is involved in a love triangle but just in case you’ve recently bumped your head and find yourself in love with someone’s boyfriend, girlfriend, or worst of all, spouse, this one’s for you. Every now and then Divorce Court features a couple and an “other”, and Judge Lynn’s response to this situation is always the same…disgust. No matter if you think this person is your soulmate or long-lost love, if the person is willing to cheat, lie, or be deceitful to their significant other, what makes you think they won’t do the same when you’re together. If you’ve never believed in karma, please believe, just for this one instance, or it’ll be forced to prove its existence to you by way of tragic heartbreak.
4. Make a Life Outside of Your Relationship
This is like recurring theme number one on Divorce Court. Time and time again a case will come in where a spouse or partner is unhappy, resentful, and often accusing their mate of not spending enough time with them, or of cheating. In cases like these Judge Lynn always admonishes the unhappy spouse to create a life of their own. Too often when we get into relationships we focus so much of our attention and energy on the other person, or on preserving the relationship, that we don’t feed our own likes, desires, and goals. When that happens, just like the couples on the show often exhibit, the relationship becomes strained due to the neediness, and accusations of infidelity and neglect. As Judge Lynn advises; find a hobby, go back to school, hang out with the friends you may have been neglecting… make plans of your own. And if on the off-chance your mate is cheating, you’ll be financially and emotionally secure to chuck up the deuces. Your mate should add to your life, not become it.
5. Therapy is Good, Actually It Should Be Mandated
The thing about Divorce Court is that everyone who appears on the show realizes Judge Lynn’s advice-giving greatness and so, oftentimes, couples who have no plans of divorcing, come on the show just to get some of her relationship gold. While that is definitely understandable (I, myself have pondered finding afake husband just so I can be in her presence), even Judge Lynn acknowledges the fact that there are some problems that 20 minutes in front of her can’t fix. She often recommends therapy, marriage counseling being one option, but also personal and private counseling sessions for individuals.
When we come into relationships, we’re bringing baggage, distinct perspectives, habits, life experiences, and trying to combine them all into one functional entity. It’s amazing how so many marriages last when you think about it. Part of the reason they do prevail is because those couples have discovered, over time, or with help(see how I emphasized that part), tools for a healthy relationship. Dissecting the real reasons for your habits, behaviors, and attitudes; unpacking years of baggage, pain, and betrayal, opens you up to successfully adopt new and healthy relationship patterns with your spouse. There are low-cost, and even free, therapy options around the world; and whether or not you’re in a relationship right now, making time to work on being a better you should always be a priority.
6. Communicate Right
This is the last of the relationship gems offered by Judge Lynn Toler. This list is in no way a comprehensive rendering of all the pearls of wisdom she has shared over the years, but this definitely a great one that I believe is applicable to all the relationships in your life, from friendships, to your relationship with your parents. We always hear that communication is key to sustaining any relationship, but how you communicate is just as important. Speaking while angry can bring about damaging results. Judge Lynn advises that you wait instead, until you’ve cooled down, so that you can clearly express your feelings, and it’ll also help your partner/friend/family member to truly hear what you are saying.
Don’t go below the belt either; saying things that you know will hurt can be tempting in the heat of the moment, but it’s not worth the fallout or loss of trust. No one wants to share sensitive information or be vulnerable with someone they think will later use that information against them. Also, Judge Lynn advises repeating what you heard the person say back to them, in order to clarify their intention. Oftentimes what is said and what is heard are miles apart; it’s like an IRL game of telephone. It’s a great way to avoid misunderstandings, conflict, and hours of the silent treatment. Taking time to truly hear what the other person is saying and being open to understanding and maybe even adopting a new way of thinking or looking at things is essential in every relationship you have. You will become a more caring, understanding, thoughtful, and enjoyable individual and partner when you actively practice proper communication.
If you want more amazing relationship advice, check out Judge Lynn‘s website https://www.judgelynn.com/ or catch Monday through Friday on Divorce Court.
There’s just something about HBCU Homecoming that just hits different. Whether it’s your first time stepping onto the yard since graduation or you’re a regular at every Homecoming tailgate, HBCU pride is undeniable. It’s a vibrant celebration that unites the legacy of excellence and tradition with the energy and resilience of Black culture.
The experience goes beyond a typical college reunion; HBCU Homecoming is a family reunion, a fashion show, a cultural festival, and a week-long turn-up that embodies what it means to be unapologetically Black and educated. For HBCU alumni, the journey back to the yard each year is rooted in a love and pride that’s hard to put into words but impossible to deny.
From statement pieces to tech must-haves, every item represents the intersection of Black pride and HBCU love, ensuring that you show up to the yard in style and with intention. So whether you’re repping your alma mater for the first time since graduation or looking for fresh pieces to express your HBCU pride, these essentials will have you standing out, because, at HBCU Homecoming, it’s not just about showing up—it’s about showing out.
Thread Goals
diarrablu Jant Pants in Alia Noir
High-waisted, wide-legged, and ready to shut down the yard, the Jant Pants by diarrablu bring a whole new meaning to campus chic. Handcrafted in Dakar, Senegal, these free-flowing jacquard pants are perfect for stepping onto the yard with style and ease—making them a must-have for any HBCU alum’s closet.
Silver & Riley Convertible Executive Leather Bag Classic Size in Olive
This all-in-one luxury bag isn’t a bestseller for nothing. The Silver & Riley essential is made of Italian calfskin leather and thoughtfully designed, as it can be worn in four different ways: a shoulder bag, crossbody, a top handle, and a backpack. Chic and elegant, the Convertible Executive Leather bag is “the bag that every woman needs in her collection.”
Renowned Women's Intuition Cotton Graphic T-Shirt
Renowned
Renowned’s Women’s Intuition Cotton Graphic T-shirt features a bold graphic print inspired by the power and essence of women’s intuition. With its striking design, this all-cotton tee is a vibrant thing, making it a statement piece that celebrates feminine energy.
Mifland Million M Mesh Crop Shirt
Talk about bold, the Million M Mesh Crop Shirt combines edgy style with comfort, featuring Mifland’s signature print on a semi-see-through mesh fabric. Show up and show out in sophisticated flair.
HBCU Love FUBU
Melanin Is Life Melanated & Educated - I Love My HBCU Hoodie
Show off your HBCU love with this piece that represents everything you gained from your alma mater: a top-tier education, a community that lifts you up, and a deep sense of esteem for yourself and your culture. Wear it loud and proud, because being melanated and educated isn’t just a flex—it’s a legacy.
HBCU Culture Spelmanite Sweatshirt in Navy
Spelmanites, rep your Spelman pride with this unisex crewneck sweatshirt, designed for ultimate comfort and a relaxed fit. Made from a cozy cotton/polyester blend, this classic sweatshirt is as durable as it is stylish—making it an ideal piece for any Spelmanite showing love for their alma mater.
HBCU Culture Howard Is The Culture T-Shirt
Rock the ultimate flex by showcasing your Howard U love with HBCU Culture’s Howard Is The Culture t-shirt. This unisex tee offers a comfortable, relaxed fit that’s perfect for celebrating your HBCU spirit without sacrificing style or comfort.
DungeonForward FAMU - Strike Bucket - Reversible
DungeonForward’s Strike Bucket Hat brings versatility and style to the FAMU Crown collection with its reversible design, giving you two looks in one. Featuring a sleek black snakeskin-embossed brim lining and a bold outline Rattler emblem, this hat is all about repping your Rattler pride in style.
DungeonForward Savannah State University - HBCU Hat - TheYard
The Savannah State University HBCU Hat by DungeonForward is more than just a hat—it’s a symbol of Tiger pride and a nod to the culture. Perfect for gamedays, tailgates, or just showing off your HBCU love, this hat lets you carry a piece of the yard wherever you go.
Tech the Halls
Anker iPhone 16 Portable Charger, Nano Power Bank
Stay charged up with the Anker Nano Power Bank, which features dual USB-C ports, a foldable connector, and a compact design, making it perfect for those HBCU tailgates and late-night parties you pull up to.
Drip Check
Wisdom Frame 14 Square Sunglasses
Elevate your look with these angular square-frame sunglasses by Wisdom, bringing an ultramodern edge to any outfit. The sleek design makes them perfect for blocking out the haters while you stunt on the yard.
Coco and Breezy Eyewear Fortune in Gray Turquoise
The Fortune Glasses in Grey Turquoise is a bold statement piece to any Homecoming weekend ‘fit that “embody our fearless and outspoken DNA.” With their color and edgy design, these frames by Coco and Breezy are perfect for anyone looking to stand out and express their unapologetic confidence.
Howard U Lapel Pin
Rep your Bison pride wherever you go with this Howard U Lapel Pin from Pretty AmbVision. Whether adding it to your jacket, shirt, or bag, this pin is the perfect way to showcase your love for your alma mater while rocking your HBCU love with honor and distinction.
Mifland Standard Rucksack Mini
The Standard Rucksack is designed to evolve like that HBCU pride—getting richer, bolder, and better with time. Durable, stylish, and built to last, this Rucksack by Mifland is a timeless piece equipped with versatile carrying options and fully adjustable back straps for ultimate comfort.
Stay Fresh, Stay Blessed
Slip Pure Silk Sleep Mask in Pink
Keeping it cute starts with beauty sleep. This luxurious silk mask is an essential for a reason. If protecting your skin and waking up refreshed is your priority, look no further than this Homecoming essential.
Liquid I.V.® Hydration Multiplier Lemon Lime - Hydration Powder Packets
Stay hydrated and energized throughout Homecoming weekend with this Liquid I.V.® Hydration Multiplier in Lemon Lime. Just add a packet to your water bottle, and bless your body with 2-3 times more hydration than water with every packet. Because staying hydrated is the key to popping up and showing out all weekend long!
Loop Experience Plus Earplugs High Fidelity Hearing Protection
Designed for your hearing protection, these sleek earplugs reduce noise without compromising sound quality—perfect for enjoying the band’s halftime show, late-night parties, and DJ sets. Whether you’re front row at the step show or hitting the yard, your ears deserve to be protected in style!
Black Girl Magic Glass Cup
Sip in style and celebrate your melanin with the Black Girl Magic Glass Cup. Perfect for morning coffee, your favorite iced drink, or showing off your HBCU pride on the yard—this cup is all about keeping it cute while radiating your endless supply of Black Girl Magic.
Glow Up & Show Out
Black Girl Sunscreen SPF 30
What Homecoming weekend can be complete without an assist from this beauty find? Formulated to blend seamlessly into melanin-rich skin (no white-cast), protect your glow while you turn up with the Black Girl Sunscreen SPF 30.
Sienna Naturals Issa Rae's Wash Day Ritual Set
Issa Rae’s Wash Day Ritual Set from Sienna Naturals includes the H.A.PI. Shampoo, the Plant Power Repair Mask, Dew Magic, and Lock and Seal to get your crown right. Whether you’re repping your coils or rocking a new color on the yard, these products restore and nourish your strands, keeping your hair healthy, strong, and Homecoming-ready!
54 Thrones Ivorian Cocoa + Ghanaian Coconut Beauty Butter
Stay glowing from the tailgate to the after-party with the 54 Thrones Ivorian Cocoa + Ghanaian Coconut Beauty Butter. Infused with African-sourced ingredients, this rich, multi-purpose butter is the answer to keeping your skin soft and radiant through all the festivities all Homecoming long.
Saie Glossybounce Hydrating Lip Oil
Keep your lips looking luscious and nourished with the Saie Glossybounce Hydrating Lip Oil. Perfect for adding an extra pop to your pout before hitting the yard or freshening up between events, this lip oil is a beauty essential for staying camera-ready all weekend.
Join us in celebrating HBCU excellence! Check out our Best In Class hub for inspiring stories, empowering resources, and everything you need to embrace the HBCU experience.
Featured image by Visual Vic/Getty Images
Hairline Resurrection: How To Bring Life Back To Your Edges
So, let’s not act like a lot of us don’t send our hair and scalp through it — and I mean, through it. That’s why, I had to totally agree with an article that I recently read by a Black female dermatologist who said that a part of the reason why our demographic struggles with thin or balding edges more than any other is due to a lot of our styling choices — or, more specifically, the fact that we don’t bring balance to many of them.
Between chemicals and dyes, wigs, weaves, heat, and protective styles that are tight as all get out, traction alopecia is something that somewhere around one-third of Black women experience on some level. And here’s the thing — if you’re out here believing that it’s normal for that to be the case, that couldn’t be further from the truth. Although there are some of us who genetically have edges that aren’t as thick as others, struggling edges, more times than not, can experience some level of restoration — so long as you catch it before scarring to your hair follicles occurs.
So, let’s get to it. If you’ve noticed lately that your edges are not thriving as much as you would want them to or you simply know that you aren’t being very proactive when it comes to providing your edges with the consistent TLC that they deserve, here are 10 things that will get them on track.
Getty Images
1. Lighten Up on the Ponytails
Ponytails are cute. They are also super convenient. Problem is, if you’re pulling your hair too tight, your ponytail is constantly in the same position or you’re obsessing over edge control to slick your edges down, that can lead to some level of the traction alopecia that we just talked about or the ingredients in your edge control could end up drying your edges out.
That’s why it’s a wise move to not make a ponytail your automatic go-to every single day and that you also don’t make yourself feel like you need baby hairs all of the damn time (because trust me, you don’t. Your hairstyle will be cute regardless).
2. Switch Up Your Parts
This point right here is something that I am “preaching to the choir about” because if someone is down for a middle part, it’s me. Two challenges come with parting your hair the same way all of the time, though. For one thing, that section of your hair may start to break off due to constant styling, friction, and/or exposure to the weather elements. Secondly, if you’re parting your hair in order to lay your sides down, that pretty much does the same thing as the ponytails do.
Sometimes we don’t realize that it can be easier for the rest of our hair to be thick and long(er) if we’re not combing, brushing, and slicking it down so much. A sleek part is bomb, no doubt. If you want healthy edges, though, you’ve got to bring some variation into your hair looks.
3. Stop Clogging Up Your Edge’s Hair Follicles
The pore that each of your hair strands comes out of is called a hair follicle and when it gets clogged up, that can make it difficult for your hair to thrive. As far as what leads to a clogged follicle issue, everything from too much hair product, dead skin accumulation, sweat, sebum, bacteria, and dandruff flakes can all be the culprit. Not only that but since a lot of edge control products contain alcohol, sulfates, and heavy waxes, all of this is proof of why it’s so important that you do a gentle scalp scrub on your edges — at least on wash days. The clearer your edges’ follicles are, the better off your edges will ultimately be.
Getty Images
4. Pay Attention to What You’re Washing (and Toning) Your Face With
Now here’s a hack that can save a lot of people on the edge haircare tip! A lot of times, when we’re washing our face (and then applying toner, because you do that, right?), the product that we use gets into our edges. Well, based on what chemicals are in the product, that can also start to dry them out as well. Bottom line here, be hypervigilant about trying to keep as much of your face wash (and toner) out of your edges — and if some does happen to get in there, thoroughly rinse your edges and then apply some leave-in conditioner. Just to be on the safe side.
5. Keep Your Edges Conditioned at All Times
On the heels of what I just said, it’s actually a really good idea to keep your edges well-conditioned at all times, period. That said, a product that you might want to try is Grow Your Edges Back’s Leave-In Conditioner. It’s a Black-owned organic company that makes products that are specifically designed to hydrate your edges with the leave-in being one of them. You can check out a testimonial from one of their customers here.
6. Make Sure Your Edge Controls Are “Hydrated”
One more thing about hydration. If, no matter what, you are going to slick your edges down, please make sure that your edge control is well-hydrated — and by that, I mean that it’s best to get the kind that has no alcohol and as much water in it as possible. If you have no clue of where to begin your search for those, there is a list of 10 alcohol-free edge controls here.
Also, YouTube is full of naturalistas who have reviewed some of their best and worst edge control product experiences. Just a few are located here, here, and here. And please, use a soft bristle brush for the smoothing process. Your edges are far more fragile than you probably think that they are, so that boar bristle? Yeah, keep that bad boy as far away from your edges as you possibly can, chile.
Getty Images
7. Gently Massage Your Edges with Peppermint and Lemongrass
Massaging your scalp is what’s going to increase blood flow to your hair follicles so that they are able to receive the nutrients that they need so that your locks grow out healthy and strong. Not only that but a scalp massage can also help to reduce stress which sometimes plays a role in hair loss. Since your edges are technically a part of your scalp, make sure to massage them (again, gently) at least 2-3 times a week for 10-15 minutes at a time.
You can also pamper them by applying a mixture of grapeseed oil (it’s a light carrier oil that’s packed with antioxidants and vitamin E) and peppermint and lemongrass essential oils. Peppermint oil is good for your edges because it literally stimulates hair growth while lemongrass oil strengthens your hair follicles and cleanses your scalp too.
8. Detox from Creating Baby Hairs (All of the Time)
I believe I’ve shared before that I have a theory about so many of our people’s obsession with baby hairs. Whether some folks realize it or not, it might be their way of trying to look like they have “good hair.” Lawd (and it truly can’t be said enough) ALL HAIR IS GOOD HAIR, so no, your edges don’t need to be fried, dyed, and laid to the side (oftentimes, quite literally) in order for your hairstyles to be cute.
That’s actually the reason why I chose the feature picture that I did for this piece. She doesn’t have any baby hairs going on. Know what she does have, though? A head full of healthy edges. Now which would you prefer?
9. Ease Up on the Friction
Friction has never been nor will it ever be your edges’ friend. So, as much as it may pain some of you to consider it, you really do need to take breaks from what may be your favorite or automatic go-to hairstyles: wigs, weaves, or even protective styles like box braids and twists. Between the rubbing that the wigs and weaves may do and the tension that comes from the tightness of certain protective styles, if you’re always rocking these looks, while some parts of your hair may be “protected,” your edges certainly aren’t.
Getty Images
10. CHILL. OUT.
Shout-out to YouTuber A N G I E B E E for her get-your-edges-back video series that you can check out here. Along with this article, her channel is a reminder that even if you apply all of these tips, a great set of edges still weren’t built in a day. Because hair tends to grow, at the most, an eighth of an inch every month, you’re going to need to be patient as your hair follicles and, ultimately your hair strands, get stronger. But if you are patient, you should see real results in 2-3 months and, nice edges? That is something that’s always worth the wait.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Featured image electravk/Getty Images