The Three C's In A Healthy Relationship
When we think about healthy relationships, immediately I think about what it takes to have a healthy body. Ask any doctor or take any blood test, and you will be given clear indicators of your health, or lack thereof. While all of us have different body shapes and blood types, there are specific universal factors (i.e., heart rate, cholesterol, blood pressure, etc.) that contribute to our overall health.
Similarly, no relationship is exactly the same because everyone has different personalities, needs, and love languages. However, beyond some of the obvious things like attraction, intimacy, and love, the following three characteristics are critical in building a solid foundation and sustaining just about any healthy relationship.
The Three C's Of A Healthy & Happy Relationship
Communication (Civil)
As one of the three most important relationship characteristics, communication may sound obvious, but you may be surprised to know how many people aren't able to adequately articulate their thoughts, opinions, and emotions. Communication isn't just the key, in fact, how you communicate is just as critical. Additionally, you have to be willing to listen as much as, or more than, you talk.
When my husband and I first got married, we were communicating for sure, but we were not doing so in a way that was healthy or helpful for either of us. From hitting below the belt and yelling at each other to ignoring each other and walking out or running away from the conversation, you would've thought we were on an episode of Love & Hip Hop.
Not only was the way we communicated unhealthy, it was also unproductive.
That's not to say that you won't have heated discussions or arguments in a relationship, because everyone has their issues. However, it's critical to find better ways to communicate effectively if you want to make it through the ups and downs.
Commitment
Commitment is yet another healthy relationship characteristic. And I'm not just talking about going from dating to being in an exclusive relationship, or getting engaged, or even getting married. I'm also not implying that you should stay through any and everything merely for the sake of being in a relationship.
Rather, when I say commitment, what I am referring to is being committed to staying together even:
- On the days when it doesn't feel like the fairytale you imagined,
- When people can't see the petty arguments behind the pretty pictures posted on the 'gram,
- When the so-called 'newlywed season' wears off,
- When the "worst" comes before the "better" after you get married, or
- When you experience growing pains or difficult seasons.
It's choosing to fight more for each other than against each other. Basically, the same fervor and fortitude that went into making it down the aisle, should be multiplied when it comes to making the marriage last. Anybody can be in a relationship, but it takes that much more to stay in a relationship.
Candor
Candor is simply another word for honesty and sincerity. It unlocks the doors to vulnerability, intimacy, and trust...the major components that separate dating and courting from genuine, exclusive love. It's the place where you can be you without judgment, and you can be your most vulnerable self. I've never felt more comfortable to be me than until I met and married my husband.
Candor also allows couples to have the tough, yet necessary, conversations regardless of how difficult they may be. When people say, "Oh, we don't have disagreements or we never argue," that usually means to me that someone isn't being honest with themselves and/or they're not being honest with their significant other. Yes, you have to choose your battles because it's important not to "major in the minor" to prevent from turning molehills into mountains. However, toxic things like bitterness and resentment often reside where frustration and unresolved issues linger.
There have been times when, unfortunately, I've witnessed situations where people were more honest and upfront about their marital issues with other people than their spouses; which usually and unfortunately led to bigger issues including infidelity. But that's where candor comes…it helps eliminate the need for anyone to feel as if they can't be completely honest with their partner.
Furthermore, openness and vulnerability often initiate the journey towards healing whether it's for the individual or to help resolve an issue within the relationship. As with most things in our lives, healing usually begins when we first admit that there's an issue. When that doesn't happen, how, then, can the healing begin or how can you rectify a situation if you're not willing to be 100% open with each other? Not to mention, if I'm not aware of something, then how can I begin to work on it or help you work through it?
At the end of the day, if you can't be vulnerable with the person you spend the most time with, then who can you be open with? Although it takes time because many of us build emotional walls and being vulnerable can feel uncomfortable, nobody should know you better than your partner knows you.
Although this list isn't exhaustive, rest assured that these three healthy relationship characteristics––communication, commitment, and candor––will definitely set you up for success for a happy, healthy and loving relationship.
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Shonda Brown White is a bestselling author, blogger, life coach, and brand strategist. When she's not jumping out of a plane or zip lining, she's living the married life with her husband in Atlanta, GA. Connect with her on social @ShondaBWhite and her empowering real talk on her blog.
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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Teaching can be a rewarding career, but for many Black women, it can be a very challenging one to sustain. According to a recent report, Black teachers are more likely to leave the profession and are exiting in record numbers. Millennials and Gen Zers make up a large portion of educators, and the Learning Policy Institute reported in 2019 that the demand for teachers had exceeded supply by more than 100,000 positions—confirming that there’s a severe gap in the pipeline from college-to-classroom for new educators.
Many have loved and watched shows like Abbott Elementary, a fictional depiction of some very real-life issues inspired by former Philadelphia Public Schools veteran Joyce Abbott. Whether a parent, educator, or student, as Black women we've known all well the challenges we all face when it comes to the educational system.
Let's explore the issue and a few tips on burnout and career transitioning for Black women in education:
Why Are Black Teachers Quitting?
For some, it's really not about the act of teaching being the problem. It's the red tape, the constant pressures they face from state and institutional authorities, and the lack of resources. State reports indicate that Black teachers have the highest rates of turnover in education, with "major culprits" being stress, low pay, and intrusion of politics.
There's also the issue of Black and Hispanic teachers being more likely to not have certification in major markets where there are shortages, or they're teaching in an underfunded district. These factors, according to experts, are associated with the higher rates of professionals leaving as well. When in such situations, it's more likely that an educator might quit due to the added pressures and challenging environment.
Pay for teachers, according to statistics, has not changed in 30 years (yes, you read that right), so one can only imagine the very demoralizing impact of the salary issue. The pay has not even begun to catch up with inflation. It's gotten to the point where legislation has been introduced on the federal and state levels just to ensure parity and a decent working wage for teachers.
Fotostorm/Getty Images
Beating Burnout and Transitioning Out
With teachers leaving the industry or using their skills of people management, lesson planning, and communications in other ways (à la Tiffany "The Budgetnista" Aliche), there are ways to not only beat burnout but go into something a bit more fitting for the stage of life you might be in.
Experts at The University of San Diego offer the following tips for beating burnout:
Prioritize your health: Be sure you're eating balanced meals and putting your mental and physical wellness first. Seeking therapy, exercising regularly, and taking on a fun new activity are a great start. Find ways to boost emotional intelligence.
Lean into your resources for educator support: Talk with your fellow teaching network and organizations, and participate even if it's virtual. Be sure you're tapping into all the support resources afforded to you.
Advocate for yourself: Keeping track of your successes, speaking up about promotions or other benefits, and going to where you are loved and valued are steps you can take as well.
Set work-life boundaries: When possible, leave work at the school and be present in the moments of rest and self-love at home.
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For those looking to transition out, sit down and create a good exit plan both related to your career and your finances. Think about how you can use your transitional skills to pursue a different career, start a side hustle, or work in a different aspect of education. Tap into what led you into teaching in the first place and go from there. If everything seems a bit overwhelming, seek the help of a coach or consultant who can help you navigate the journey of the career transition.
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