It's that time of year again. Time to break out your sandals, open-toed shoes and even those $2 flip-flops from Old Navy that are bad for your soles yet we all seem to get them anyway.
Since pedicures are a form of reflexology that exfoliates your feet, reduces the chances of infection, promotes circulation, relaxes your body and helps your feet to maintain its much-needed moisture, hopefully, you've been getting them all year long. But let's be real with each other—pedicures are also what keep our toes looking as cute as ever! That's why the summer season is usually when we choose to shell out a little more cash so that our feet can receive some extra special treatment.
Well, before heading out to your favorite salon to get your feet and toes ready for what this summer has to offer, take out a moment to read about what you should do to get your feet on the right foot and then the all-natural things that you can—and should—try and home so that everything from your ankles down look, feel and even smell amazing long after Labor Day has come and gone.
Do a Rosewater, Vegetable Glycerin and Milk Soak
Soaking in nature's goodnessGetty Images
Sandals and open-toed heels are cool but walking around with most of your feet out is a way to expose them to a ton of sunlight and even bacteria. Something that can prevent sunburn and protect your feet from germs is to soak them in some rosewater (click here to learn how to make some from home). Vegetable glycerin makes it easier for you to slough off dead skin. Milk is the ultimate moisturizer.
Pamper your feet by filling a basin a little more than halfway with warm water. Then add two cups of rosewater, a half cup of vegetable glycerin and a cup of milk. Soak for 15 minutes and use a pumice stone to hit the "rough areas". Your feet will be unbelievably smooth after you're done.
Use a Black Tea Foot Soak to Avoid Feet Sweat
I've got some people in my life who have a pretty bad case of sweaty feet. Although cornstarch works pretty well during the colder seasons, who wants to look like they've been kicking up dust in their sandals during the summertime?
If sweaty feet are something that you struggle with, consider soaking them in some black tea. It might sound crazy, but the tannic acid in the tea will not only close up your feet's pores so that you'll sweat less, it also kills bacteria so that your feet won't smell as much too.
Also Put Your Feet in Baking Soda Once a Week
Baking soda is one of the most effective (and inexpensive) exfoliants there is! It removes tartar from teeth, lifts up dandruff flakes from your scalp and gets rid of the dry skin that's on your feet too. If you want to maintain the pH balance of your feet and toes while also removing calluses and soothing aching feet, pour 3-4 tablespoons and add 10 drops of lavender essential oil into a basin of warm water. Soak your feet for 20 minutes and I guarantee your feet will instantly feel soothed, pampered and summer ready!
Sleep with Shea Butter and Socks
I don't miss my monthly pedicure. But there is a place on my left heel that stays hard, no matter how much my nail tech tends to it. Something that has finally "tamed" that area is shea butter. Only, I don't rub a lot of shea butter on my feet during the daytime (that makes them all slippery 'n stuff). Instead, I put a generous amount of it on my feet and toes at night and then put a pair of socks on. It is the ultimate moisturizer that has my feet feeling and looking amazing by morning.
Apply Honey and Olive Oil Once a Week
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Whether your heels are rough, your feet are sore or you simply want another way to keep your feet bacteria-free, honey's got your back. One-half cup of manuka honey, two tablespoons of apple cider vinegar and half of a freshly-squeezed lemon in a basin of water is a great DIY foot soak. But if baby soft feet are what you're after, mix one-third cup of organic honey with one-half cup of virgin olive oil. Rub your clean feet with the solution, let it sit for 15 minutes and rinse. Your feet will be date—and other stuff—night ready all night long!
Buff Your Toenails. Then Apply Some Cuticle Oil.
To tell you the truth, I can't remember the last time I only wore clear polish on my toenails (or fingernails, for that matter). That's how much I like colored nail polish! But I will say that whenever it's time to switch over to a new look, those white spots that sometimes show up, they get on my last nerve.
Can you relate and are looking for a remedy? Buff your toenails first. Apply some cuticle oil next. That should be all that you need to get your nails looking back to "normal" again.
Apply Orange Oil to Kill Fungus
If you're wondering if you've got a little bit of toenail fungus lurking around, some signs include nails that crumble at the corners, scaling underneath your toenail, yellow streaks on your toenails, distorted-looking toenails or toenails that are super thick (thicker than your "normal").
While it's always a good idea to see a doctor if you're not sure about a health matter, if money is tight at the moment and you want to use as few chemicals as possible to get the fungus under control, something that you might want to try doing is applying some orange oil. Scientific research reveals that the properties in orange essential oil is able to kill most strains of fungal and bacterial infections (peppermint and lemongrass oil can too but orange smells really good).
Eat Keratin-Rich Foods
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Your nails are made up of the protein keratin. That's why it makes sense that, in order to keep them healthy from the inside out, you should eat foods that are rich in keratin. Some of those include blueberries, almonds, eggs, whey protein, fish, collards and kale and citrus fruit. These are the kinds of foods that will make sure that your nails will be strong, not brittle and will keep that nice pink glow.
Always Keep Them Polished
Even if your budget won't let you get professional pedicure every 3-4 weeks, most spas/salons will paint your toenails for you for a pretty nominal fee (if you're wondering, the current hottest nail polish colors for the summer are nude, neon, polka dot, rainbow and pastels). A fresh coat will make your feet look like brand new; especially if you follow through with all of the at-home suggestions you just read.
Remember, summer beauty is all in the details. So, don't you dare step out this summer season without taking good care of those feet of yours!
Get a Professional Pedicure
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In order to get your feet off to a great start, I personally think it's a good idea to invest in a professional pedicure. That way, you can get your calluses removed, cuticles pushed back, toenails trimmed and nails professionally painted.
Just make sure that you shave your legs no less than two days before going (so that bacteria from the foot tubs don't get into your legs' pores), that the spa/salon you go to sanitizes the tub before you put your feet in it and that there are other options than those callus shavers (the things that look a lot like cheese graters). Believe it or not, in many states, those are now illegal because of the risk they run of cutting you. #themoreyouknow
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I was inspired to write this because, recently, while reading about eight types of narcissists and what their traits consist of, I revisited what a vulnerable narcissist is all about. Then, as I connected some dots via another piece that I read about how it shows up in female friendships — well, because this is a platform for Black women, I definitely wanted to put y’all on notice. Because when it comes to toxic friendships (which really is a bit of an oxymoron, isn’t it?), there is probably nothing worse than having a narcissist friend — someone who displays traits like being highly self-centered, pretty apathetic, and constantly gaslighting those around them.
Okay, so what’s the difference between a “regular” narcissist and a vulnerable one? Yeah, let’s get into that now because I’ve got a feeling that some light bulbs are going to go on for a few of you…as it relates to at least one of your current…“friendships.”
So Basically, a Vulnerable Narcissist Is the Same Thing As a Covert One
GiphyIf you check out the article, “Science Says That Happy Couples Do The Following 7 Things” on this platform, one thing that you will notice that I said is, since I’ve been a marriage life coach, I’ve not really been big on using the word “vulnerable” when it comes to serious relationships. Charge it to being a writer who takes words pretty literally (dictionary-defined ones, not what social media makes up from year to year) yet I’ve never understood why we should encourage people to be vulnerable with someone who they deeply trust.
I say that because I know that vulnerable means things like “capable of or susceptible to being attacked, damaged, or hurt” and “open to moral attack, criticism, temptation, etc.” And although I get that no one is perfect, if you feel like dealing with those closest to you requires taking this level of an emotional risk, on a fairly consistent basis? In my opinion, that is a dark orange flag, if not a flat-out red one.
I’ve said before that my preferred word is “dependent” because it means “relying on someone or something else for aid, support, etc.” — and healthy relationships? They absolutely should be INTERDEPENDENT. Yeah, whether it’s romantic, familial or a friendship — why are you out here feeling like sharing yourself makes you open to attack and harm when you should be involved with individuals who can be relied on for support? See the difference? And that is why a vulnerable narcissist makes sense to me — since a narcissist is unsafe, by the very definitions of vulnerable, a vulnerable one would be too. Even more so, in fact.
Here's the clincher, though. Even if you’ve never heard of a vulnerable narcissist before, I’m willing to bet that some of you have heard of a covert narcissist, which is basically the same thing. The fascinating thing about a covert narcissist is they are more subtle than some of the other types — which is exactly how they are able to trip folks up. Because although they need lots of attention and they tend to act really self-important (like all narcissists do), a covert narcissist moves in some pretty sneaky ways.
For instance, they might go really heavy on what seems like compliments (more on that in a sec) in order to make you think that they admire you when, really, they just want to get your guard down in order to get whatever they want out of you. Another example of a covert narcissist is they might act like they are proud of something you accomplished; however, they are actually sticking close by to get some of your contacts or to work themselves into the successful world that you created, so that they can actually compete with you. One more example of a covert narcissist is if they don’t get their way, they may ghost you for days, weeks or months at a time and then be all passive aggressive about it whenever they resurface.
And why are they like this? Because vulnerable/covert narcissists get off on gaslighting — they want you to feel like you are crazy for thinking what is, 8.5/10, spot-on about them. That way, you can be the villain and they can play the victim — even though it’s probably the exact opposite that is actually going on. They do this because, ultimately, to boost their ego. For a narcissist, pretty much of any kind, game-playing is what fuels them and makes them bigger in their minds than they actually are (or even deserve to be).
10 Dead-Ringer Signs of a Vulnerable Narcissist
GiphyOkay, so even with all of what I just said, what if you’re like, “Shellie, I think I get it, but I need a few more examples of what you’re saying”? I hear you and I’ve got you. Some other ways that vulnerable narcissists like to show up and out?
- They are hypercritical and condescending
- They act like they are allergic to accountability
- Their expectations are unreasonable (and hypocritical)
- They are walking contradictions
- They want to be the center of attention (and while monopolize things
- They are masters at giving others the silent treatment
- Their expectations are unrealistic and their demands are ridiculous
- They deflect instead of apologize
- They flatter (use fluffy and insincere words) yet don’t affirm or compliment (yes, there is a difference)
- They lack empathy or humility
And why — or even how — would you be a friend with someone like this? Well, the other thing that you have to keep in mind about narcissism is they are excellent at using charm to their advantage. Charming people tend to come off as being charismatic and witty. Charming people seem to be really interested in you (at least initially). Charming people have a way of making you feel very comfortable around them. At first, charming people seem genuine, attentive and respectful. And they definitely make a good impression — sometimes one that is so solid that you keep going back to that memory during the “bad times” with them.
Hmph. The thing that you have to always keep in mind when it comes to charm, though, is what Scripture says about it: “Charm is deceitful…” (Pr. 31:30) — and that is just what a narcissist is: deceptive.
And when it comes to a vulnerable narcissist and her friendships with other women? The deceptive runs deep.
How a Vulnerable Narcissist Shows Up Especially in Female Friendships
GiphyAlways remember that a vulnerable narcissist moves in subtle and sneaky ways. Hmph, that alone should make you want to ponder if you have some female friends who would fit the bill of being a vulnerable narcissist because we do have a way of being clever and ingenious…which are two of the things that come with being a subtle type of individual. And the way that subtle narcissists use their clever and ingenious ways to their advantage? I’ll give you an example.
A former friend of mine who was — and from what I hear, still is — an absolute vulnerable narcissist really wanted me to be her fan rather than her friend. One time, she even invited me to a bachelorette party and said, “You’re the only one here who isn’t a bridesmaid. You should feel honored.” Nah, what you really said is that you don’t truly value what I bring into your life enough to be a bridesmaid but you know I am good for bringing one hell of a gift and cheering you on regardless.
And that’s how a lot of our friendship was — doing way more giving than I was receiving, doing way more listening than leaning and when I would call her out on some of these things, she would either freeze me out or play the victim and act like somehow it was my fault that she wasn’t being a better friend.
Yeah, that’s what you’ve gotta watch about vulnerable narcissists — it is going to be oh so very rare that they will take full accountability for where they have dropped the ball. To them, somehow, it — whatever “it” is — is either going to be your fault or someone else’s. And that’s why, in their eyes, if you were a “real friend” to them, you would coddle them through not meeting your needs instead of expecting them to actually change their ways so that you both could benefit from the relationship.
And why don’t your needs matter? Because, to a vulnerable narcissist, they believe that they are worthy of extra special treatment at all times — think of them like being a bridezilla 24 hours a day. LOL.
And although some of what I said can be nuanced, for the most part, that really is how a vulnerable narcissist tends to make themselves seen and heard in female friendships: treat them like queens and expect to be mere subjects in their court or…why are you around at all, chile?
5 Hacks for Handling a Vulnerable Narcissist
GiphyFeeling triggered? Or better yet, are you feeling like you finally can “scratch the itch” of what you’ve been looking for to describe a certain person (or certain people) in your life goes? If that is the case and although you see some flags, there tends to be at least a little bit of good enough in your dynamic with “your” vulnerable narcissist to not totally break things off (yet), how do you keep a vulnerable narcissist from causing (anymore) harm?
1. Set firm boundaries. The former friend who I just spoke of? It took years to fully and finally unravel out of all of that (pretty much because she took her elitism to “no turning back” levels a few years ago). A part of the reason why is because she’s not the devil; she really isn’t — she’s just a narcissist. So, what I did to make things more bearable for myself for a while was set some emotional boundaries.
Sometimes I had to tell her “no” and provide no explanation behind it (narcissists think that they are owed every damn thing, chile). I refused to be at her beck and call all of the time. When I felt like she was stressing me out, I would take a bit of time off from phone calls or hanging out. Listen, you will never survive a narcissist, of any kind, unless you have some firm and consistent ARTICULATED boundaries set. If you don’t heed any other point, please heed this one.
2. Have consequences in place for when they are broken. There is no point in setting a boundary if there aren’t going to be consequences for when they are broken. So, for instance, if you tell a vulnerable narcissist that you don’t appreciate them not taking accountability for telling your business to a mutual friend (because they are also extremely entitled individuals), you should probably keep your mouth shut around them for a while. Narcissists care more about their present interests than your holistic comfort which is why they tend to do stuff like that (sometimes).
3. Look at patterns over promises. Narcissists are a lot like energy vampires — and something that both of those need is a source of supply to leech off of whether it’s attention, emotional investing, resources…whatever will benefit them and what they are wanting at the time. And that is why they have no problem telling you that they will do something for you…even if they don’t end up following through. They do this because they want you to put enough confidence in them to be willing to go out of your way on their behalf — at least until they get what they need in the moment. Be careful of that. In genuine friendships, you should be able to rely on others just as much as they should be able to rely on you.
4. Choose to not see them as your “safe place.” Remember, narcissists are charming. They can also be witty, fun and totally entertaining to be around. A word that I wouldn’t use for them, though, is “safe.” The former friend who I mentioned? Although she was good at keeping information confidential (which is a safe trait), she couldn’t be relied on when I was hurting because, somehow, she was going to find a way to turn the focus on her (that is unsafe). I mean, rarely could I tell her something and she wasn’t going to turn it into a story about herself. Yeah, narcissists are always on some sort of makeshift stage, chile. And that can be exhausting.
5. Make sure you know what your “breaking point” is. I tell clients often: Be okay with being someone’s consequence sometimes because there may be a chance that they won’t learn any other way. Do I miss that former friend of mine? Eh, by the time that I was done, I was DONE done. However, we had a lot of years between us and so there are memories that get to me on random occasions. And although I don’t hate her and can see her and genuinely care about how she’s doing, we have nowhere to go in the future. She’s always going to want me to do most of the work — and I am no longer interested in doing so. Breaking points are good. They let us know when a chapter in a relationship has…completed itself.
____
An author by the name of Nassim Nicholas Taleb once said, “Love without sacrifice is theft” (that kind of makes me think of the late author Eric Jerome Dickey’s quote, “Sex without love is violence”). At the end of the day, that saying is a good way to “gut check” your relationship with a vulnerable narcissist. Ask yourself if you are basically the only one doing any sacrificing. And if that is indeed the case, is it worth it?
Remember, a vulnerable narcissist thinks that they deserve to be treated better than everyone else — including you. If you want to keep that type of person as a friend, just know what you are getting yourself into. Because since they are probably never going to change, you will be the one who has to.
One way or another, sis. One way or a freakin’ other.
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