

We live in an age where we can mute, block, and report something as spam when we don't want to see it on our social media feeds–turning your head and a blind eye to things doesn't suffice anymore.
I'm good for this as I'm big on self-preservation and keep my mental health in the forefront of almost everything nowadays. I find myself having to explain to friends the need to remove them from my timeline, not because of a personal issue I have with them, but due to the need of not wanting to see and take in every rant, hot topic, or Kardashian that finds its way in front of me.
But it was hard to not weigh in or feel discomfort over the evolution of Tyga and Kylie Jenner's friendship-turned-sexual relationship. It made me uneasy, and I was brought back to the time when I was a 14-year-old freshman “dating” an almost 18-year-old high school senior. He was on his way to college, while I had just unearthed (and become frightened by) my own body and my monthly menstrual cycle. I swore at 14 I knew it all; at 28, I realize I know nothing and still have a ways to go as it's been reported, women reach their sexual peak in their 30s. I saw myself in Kylie–a young woman fascinated by the prospects of love and having an opportunity to give my inexperienced self to someone else to guide me into womanhood.
[Tweet "I saw myself in Kylie–a young woman fascinated by the prospects of love."]
It's something like “Yeezy taught me.” This man would forever leave a stamp within the insides of my body, long after we've gone our separate ways, and well into other relationships. I would be told I could give fellatio “the right way” or “know how to ride” because I was properly taught how to engage in sexual activities at a young age. I was reminded of the importance of pleasing my significant other, while educating myself on the same parts he touched and penetrated. He would forever be a part of me; Tyga will leave his mark on Kylie.
That bothered me. After a draining argument with two West Indian men who attempted to reassure me there wasn't anything wrong with having intercourse with younger women because it was part of their culture, I gave up (and became grossed out). The men I considered friends found no fault in Kylie and Tyga's behavior, and as an advocate for bringing awareness to sexual assault, felt the need to remind me of consent. That, in turn, was followed by questions of why did I care? I hear and read that often when logging into Facebook and Twitter, and I hate that adults are adamant on asking this before understanding the uproar.
But why do we care so much about other people's relationships, specifically when there are consenting parties involved?
Upon reading about Kylie's family allegedly expressing disapproval of her boyfriend's latest single, “Stimulated” (that's quite disturbing I might add), I wondered why they felt the need to show disapproval now. In the lyrics, Tyga unapologetic spits:
F**k what they talking about, ni**a
She a big girl, dog
I’m gonna do what the f**k I wanna do when I wanna do
She a big girl, dog
I’m putting in, I’m penetrating
I’m getting big, I’m stimulated
Did they think we weren't aware of their then 16- and now 17-year-old daughter having sex? Her recent changes in her physical appearance alone equated to a young woman attempting to come into her own by way of hypersexualizing herself. Their family rose to fame and built a multi-million dollar empire on the foundation of selling sexualized images and beauty. Sex has always sold, and the Kardashians simply took it to another level, opening reality TV doors and endorsements to feed generations. Should we then be surprised by Kylie's behavior?
“I don't care because I had sex at her age, too.”
“Why does it matter when she's not my child?”
“Who gives a damn when she's worth millions as a teenager?”
I get all of that, but I still care, because money doesn't excuse pedophilia or take away from the fact that there are young girls growing up entirely too fast, ultimately becoming women who know little to nothing about their own bodies.
Money doesn't excuse pedophilia or take away from the fact that there are young girls growing up entirely too fast.
Money, to a lot of people, excuses piss poor and questionable behavior. And that's unfortunate. We have men issuing control over our temples.
When do we stop muting and blocking out that issue?
Adrian Marcel On Purpose, Sacrifice, And The 'Signs Of Life'
In this week's episode of xoMAN, host Kiara Walker talked with R&B artist Adrian Marcel, who opened up, full of heart and authenticity, about his personal evolution. He discussed his days transitioning from a young Bay Area singer on the come-up to becoming a grounded husband and father of four.
With honesty and introspection, Marcel reflected on how life, love, and loss have shaped the man he is today.
On ‘Life’s Subtle Signals’
Much of the conversation centered around purpose, sacrifice, and listening to life’s subtle signals. “I think that you really have to pay attention to the signs of life,” Marcel said. “Because as much as we need to make money, we are not necessarily on this Earth for that sole purpose, you know what I mean?” While he acknowledged his ambitions, adding, “that is not me saying at all I’m not trying to ball out,” he emphasized that fulfillment goes deeper.
“We are here to be happy. We are here [to] fulfill a purpose that we are put on here for.”
On Passion vs. Survival
Adrian spoke candidly about the tension between passion and survival, describing how hardship can sometimes point us away from misaligned paths. “If you find it’s constantly hurting you… that’s telling you something. That’s telling you that you’re going outside of your purpose.”
Marcel’s path hasn’t been without detours. A promising athlete in his youth, he recalled, “Early on in my career, I was still doing sports… I was good… I had a scholarship.” An injury changed everything. “My femur broke. Hence why I always say, you know, I’m gonna keep you hip like a femur.” After the injury, he pivoted to explore other careers, including teaching and corporate jobs.
“It just did not get me—even with any success that happened in anything—those times, back then, I was so unhappy. And you know, to a different degree. Like not just like, ‘I really want to be a singer so that’s why I’m unhappy.’ Nah, it was like, it was not fulfilling me in any form or fashion.”
On Connection Between Pursuing Music & Fatherhood
He recalled performing old-school songs at age 12 to impress girls, then his father challenged him: “You can lie to these girls all you want, but you're really just lying to yourself. You ain't growing.” That push led him to the piano—and eventually, to his truth. “Music is my love,” Marcel affirmed. “I wouldn’t be a happy husband if I was here trying to do anything else just to appease her [his wife].”
Want more real talk from xoMAN? Catch the full audio episodes every Tuesday on Spotify and Apple Podcasts, and don’t miss the full video drops every Wednesday on YouTube. Hit follow, subscribe, and stay tapped in.
Featured image by xoNecole/YouTube
You Don’t Have To Choose: How Black Women Can Care For Others Without Self-Sacrifice
One of the primary instructions we receive before a flight takes off is to prioritize putting on your life vest first if there’s an emergency, even before assisting others. It’s funny how this rule rarely translates to the daily routine of women.
As women we are taught, directly and indirectly, to put others first. Whether it’s our romantic partners, kids, parents, friends, or even our jobs. Mental health survivor and founder of Sista Afya Community Care, Camesha Jones-Brandon is challenging that narrative by using her platform to advocate for Black women and their right to self-care.
Camesha created the organization after her struggles with mental health and the lack of community she experienced. The Chicago native explains how she created Sista Afya to be rooted in “culturally grounded care.”
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“So at my organization, Sista Afya Community Care, we focus on providing mental health care through a cultural and gender lens,” she tells xoNecole. “So when we think about the term intersectionality, coined by Kimberlé Crenshaw, we think about the multiple identities that lead to certain experiences and outcomes as it relates to Black women.
“So in the context of culturally grounded care, being aware of the cultural history, the cultural values, and then also the current issues that impact mental health outcomes.”
Words like “strong” and “independent” have long been associated with Black women for some time and many of us have begun to embrace the soft life and are using rest as a form of resistance. However, some of us still struggle with putting ourselves first and overall shedding the tainted image of the “strong, Black woman” that had been forced on us.
Camesha shares that while there’s more and more communities being created around empowerment and shared interests like running, she still questions, “are Black women really comfortable with being vulnerable about sharing their experiences?”
Being vulnerable with ourselves and others play an important role in healing the instinctive nature of always being “on” for everyone. “I'm currently facilitating a group on high functioning depression, and yesterday, we talked about how when Black women may be struggling or have shared their concerns with other people. They may be minimized, or they're told to just be strong, or it's not so bad, or I went through something worse back in Jim Crow era, so you should be thankful,” she explains.
“So I think there's a challenge with Black women being able to be honest, to be vulnerable and to receive the support that they need in the same capacity as how much they give support to other people. So that is probably a very common theme. I think we've made a lot of progress when we talk about the superwoman syndrome, the mammy stereotype, the working hard stereotype, the nurturing stereotype. I think we're beginning to unpack those things, but I still see that we have definitely a long way to go in that area.”
I think there's a challenge with Black women being able to be honest, to be vulnerable and to receive the support that they need in the same capacity as how much they give support to other people.
Roman Samborskyi/ Shutterstock
While we’re unpacking those things, we know that we’re still women at the end of the day. So as we continue to serve in various roles like mothers, daughters, sisters, and caretakers, we have to make caring for ourselves a priority. Camesha reveals four ways we can still care for others without abandoning ourselves.
Trust
First things first, trust. Camesha explains, “Some of the burdens that Black women have can be linked to not feeling like you can trust people to carry the load with you.
“It's hard because people experience trauma or being let down or different experiences, but one of the things that I found personally is the more that I'm able to practice trust, the more I'm able to get my needs met. Then, to also show up as my best to care for other Black women.”
Know Your Limitations
Another thing Camesha highlighted is Black women knowing their limitations. “The other thing that I would like to bring up in terms of a way to care for yourself is to really know your limitations, or know how much you can give and what you need to receive,” she says.
“So often, what I see with Black women is giving, giving, giving, giving, giving to the point that you're not feeling well, and then not receiving what you need in return to be able to feel well and whole individually. So I really think it's important to know your limitations and know your capacity and to identify what it is that you need to be well.”
Don’t Take On A Lot Of Responsibilities
Next on the list is not taking on so many responsibilities, sharing herself as an example. “The other thing is taking on too much responsibility, especially in a time of vulnerability.
“One thing that I personally struggled with was being so passionate about community mental health for Black women, and saying yes to everything and taking on so much responsibility,” she reveals. “That affected me to do well in serving Black women and then also impacting my own well being.”
Practice Self-Care
Lastly, she notes the importance of practicing self-care. “The last thing is really practicing regular self care, regular community care, so that it's embedded into your daily life. So for me, having prepared meals, going to the gym, getting eight hours of sleep, spending time with friends and family, all of those things are part of my self care that keep me at my best,” she explains.
“Then community care, leaning into social networks or social groups, or spending time with other interests or hobbies. That's a part of my community care that keeps me going, so that I can take care of my needs, but also to be able to show up best in care for others.”
Find out more about Camesha and Sista Afya Community Care at communitycare.sistaafya.com.
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