Jada Brought Herself To The Table, Y’all. Here Are My Takeaways.
Whew, y'all. I know some of you clicked on this fast AF, but let me just say two things before getting into the whole Jada/August/Will saga. One, we really need to stop talking about celebrities like we know these people personally (unless we actually do). No one is perfect and, honestly, even the hashtag #relationshipgoals is pretty annoying. I mean, I can't tell you how many times folks would tell me that they wanted a marriage that was just like Jay Z and Beyoncé—well, they wanted it until Jay Z admitted that he had been unfaithful. People are human and humans are flawed. This means that relationships also are flawed as well. Every single one. Some more than others. Second, you don't have the time and I don't have the space to try and cover all things Will and Jada or Jada and August. Will and Jada have been married for over 25 years and, according to Jada, she and August have been done for a few years now. We're never going to know the whole story because we aren't involved in Will and Jada's union. As far as Jada and August, I've been in enough relationships—and situationships—to know that perspectives are everything.
Very rarely do both individuals have the same one, let alone the people who are looking from the outside in.
I just wanted to get that out there beforehand because, before I do shallow deep dive into what Jada shared when she met herself at the table today (you can check it out here), I think it's important we keep in mind that speculations aren't facts. Opinions aren't either. We all certainly have the right to both. However, my motivation for penning this is more of a cautionary tale of how we can find ourselves in things that 1) we may not have been prepared to get involved in and/or 2) oftentimes don't have an expiration date, in the sense of when they'll come back up again. Which is why we should always choose wisely. Very much so.
Anyway, as a marriage life coach, I'm pretty sure I could come up with 15 points. But, for now, here are my three main takeaways from what Jada Pinkett Smith, August Alsina and Will Smith had to say about…well, you know.
TAKEAWAY #1: Guard Your Heart
I'll be the first to raise my hand in this class and say that I was sooooo prepared for Jada to skirt around what August said had transpired between them—an affair. After all, when you're "coming to the table" to get to the bottom of things, typically that needs to involve all of the parties; yet her Red Table today was only her and Will. Still, I must admit that Jada was surprisingly candid. Maybe a little uncomfortable along the way (understandably so), but she did admit that, 4 ½ years ago, her friendship with August turned into what she first said was "a different kind of entanglement". Well, she went with "entanglement" until Will offered push back so that she would admit that it had been an actual relationship. Jada said that she and Will had been going through a difficult time back then, to the point where they basically separated and weren't sure if reconciliation was even on the table.
"I was in a lot of pain. I was very broken…I wanted to feel good," expressed Jada. She also shared that she was aware that she was codependent at the time and "It helped to heal somebody". (No one heals anyone by the way. We support them through their own healing. It can take a codependent a really long time to grasp that point.)
As a codependent-in-recovery myself, let me tell you that I totally get where Jada is coming from. When folks are hurting, some reach for a bottle, some reach for pills, some reach for people. For her, it was people. More specifically, August. I guess that, since she and Will felt as if they were on the outs, it was justifiable (especially since she said, later on in the interview that "I don't look at it like a transgression at all…I was able to do some real healing.")
To that, please let me just say that, as a marriage life coach, I think it's important to keep in mind that until someone is divorced, they aren't. Yes, I know that different people do marriages different ways. I also know there have been rumors for years that Will and Jada are in an open marriage (in part, due to her saying things like Will is not her husband but her life partner and Jada also saying that Will "can do whatever he wants" as long as he can look himself in the mirror); however, I'm speaking to the "August Alsinas" of the world.
When you fall for someone who is in a bad place in their marriage, they're separated or even they're simply in something that's complicated, you are risking—A LOT. Not only that but you also tend to waste (yes, waste because waste means "to consume, spend, or employ uselessly or without adequate return") time, effort and energy that you'll never get back on a person who took vows with their spouse, no matter what they may have offered you.
That's why, the first takeaway for me is, it's so important to guard your heart. Again, Jada said that she and August started out as friends. They then became really good friends. And then, well, the rest I think is left up for interpretation, but we know that it didn't remain platonic. And what I gathered from both Jada and August's take on their entanglement/relationship is, not only was it intense, there was pain experienced in the fallout (according to Jada, she didn't just up and cut August off one day; he actually abruptly ended all communication with her; that can be quite painful).
Listen, being married doesn't make you oblivious to other people. And while I do think that mature married individuals can have opposite sex friends, even single ones, boundaries need to be clear. That's how husbands and wives can guard their hearts. As far as us single folks? It really is best to go into any interaction with someone who is married (or in something long-term) like they are not an option. PERIOD. If you know that is going to be difficult for you, for the sake of your own heart, health and well-being (not to mention your time, effort and energy), it's probably best to leave "said person" alone. PERIOD. Otherwise, while your interaction with someone who is already involved might be great for a while, it tends to end. Eventually. Case in point—no matter how…whatever Jada and August's relationship was, it wasn't him that she was looking at today from across the table. It was her husband.
TAKEAWAY #2: Love Doesn’t Have to Kill You. It Really Doesn’t.
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I like August. Again, I don't know him personally, so what I mean when I say that is, I like his music, his heart for his family, his resilience related to his health, his openness about fighting through his demons—for the most part, I like what I see as far as how he strives to work through what is clearly a very full plate. But it wasn't my "like" for him that had me totally convinced he wasn't making the relationship up in his head (like A LOT of people claimed before today's table talk). When I saw the video for "Nunya" with visuals that featured Jada's middle name "Koren" last spring (even though he denied it was about her, which was…weird), I knew something was up then. That's because I've dated musicians before. When you move them, you become their muse. You're gonna hear about it too. Literally. And then when I watched his interview with Angela Yee at the top of the month. Whew.
"I totally gave myself to that relationship for years of my life. And I truly and really, really, deeply loved and have a ton of love for her. I devoted myself to it. I gave my full self to it. So much so to the point that, I can die right now and be OK with knowing that I truly gave myself to somebody. And I really loved a person. I experienced that. I know what that feels like and some people never get that in this lifetime. So, I know that I'm completely blessed…I have literally never been in love in that kind of way. So much so that, being intertwined in that kind of way…walking away from it? Butchered me. I'm shaking right now because it almost…killed me. Not almost. It did. It pushed me into being another person. My newer self. It…broke…me…down. It was a part of me being paralyzed, trying to pull myself apart. It will probably be the hardest thing that I will ever experience in this lifetime."
When I heard August say all of this, I wanted to just give him a hug. Not a groupie hug. A big sister kind of embrace. I know what it's like to love someone so fully that it almost suffocates you. At the same time, healing and retrospection have taught me that oftentimes, that's not so much love as it's chemistry, connection and need. See, I'm the kind of woman who isn't fond of people saying things like, "Love hurts" or "Love is blind". From a spiritual sense, it's because the Bible tells us that "God is love" (I John 4:8&16), and He doesn't do either of those things to us. From a broader scope, I just think that seeing love through that lens teaches us to look at love from a dysfunctional space. Love doesn't hurt us. Choosing to love someone who isn't the best complement for us? That can hurt. Love isn't blind either. But the oxytocin highs from sex, the total preoccupation with someone who keeps you from using common sense, the wanting something so badly that you'll abandon all reality—those things can blind you to the truth.
I wanted to hug August, not because he fell for Jada. I get that. It's because he fell for a married woman who, through the experience, he said it butchered him; that even with all of his health issues and the loss of his own sister, nothing has hurt him more. Yet, to him, the silver lining was, if he never loved again, at least he could say that he had. Oh, August. You deserve so much more than that. All of us do. Our greatest love experience shouldn't "butcher us"; not by a long shot. I really do hope that some real healing transpires so that he can look back and see Jada more like a lesson instead of the love standard. Someone else's spouse should never be our mountaintop of how we think love should be.
TAKEAWAY #3: ENVY. NO. ONE.
I'll be honest. Watching Will and Jada discuss this situation today? It's probably the most in sync I've seen them in a very long time (it was just this past April that Jada said quarantine made her feel like she didn't know her husband at all). Maybe it was a united front for publicity's sake. Maybe August's spilling of the beans has resulted in some recent heart-to-hearts. Who knows? But there were a few things that they said that definitely inspired my final point for today.
Will: "We came together young…we both were broken in our own ways."
Will: "[Marriage] ain't for the weak of heart."
Will: "I wish it could be all marriage and miracles."
Jada: "You gotta go through some shit to get the answers."
Will: "There's real power in just knowing that somebody's riding with you, no matter what. And you can't know that, until you go through some stuff…I don't wanna go through this anymore…I'm gonna get you back first."
Jada (in response): "I think you've gotten me back. I think we're good on that."
Will (in response): "That's probably true."
Those quotes? That's not a fairy tale marriage. Not by a long shot. You know, I've heard people say since, forever, that Will and Jada are the epitome of Black love. Lord, y'all. Will and Jada are two human beings who are trying to figure life's journey out, just like the rest of us. That's a "full stop" statement. When other people let us peek into their world (or even when we find ourselves snooping), our resolve shouldn't be "I want what they have". We should be more in the mindset of, "I appreciate what they've shared. How can I apply those thoughts or tips to my own situation?" No more. No less.
Besides, if you get caught up in envying someone else's relationship, not only does that cause you to approach your own from an altered angle, 8 times out of 10, you're going to end up disappointed. If not immediately, eventually. That's not the couple you were putting on a pedestal's fault. You've got to own every ounce of your own disillusionment. So yeah, don't envy other people. It profits you nothing. Not one damn thing.
Anyway, no matter what kind of marriage Will and Jada have, at the end of the day, I will rock with Will from the perspective of marriage ain't for punks and 25 years is a really long time to be with someone. I will also commend him for making this statement to his wife—"I told you the first year that we were married that I can love you through anything."
If there's any main thing to take from this entire semi-saga, y'all—it's probably that.
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Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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When discussing the topic of raising children, discipline is often the first thing that comes to mind. Children need discipline. Full stop. But what is discipline? And how do we draw the line between discipline and revenge?
The origin of the word "discipline" can be traced back to the Latin word "disciplina," which means "instruction" or "teaching." Over time, however, discipline has come to be synonymous with punishment, with parents relying on shame, fear, and/or physical pain to curb undesirable behavior.
Teaching takes time, so nipping it in the bud in whatever fashion parents deem necessary (within reason) has become the norm. But is this what’s best for children? And when does it become less about curbing undesirable behavior and more about getting our licks back for offenses we feel our children should know better to do?
In my work as a parenting coach, I’ve often heard parents say, “I asked him nicely three times before spanking him. He didn’t stop doing it until I did, so clearly talking doesn’t work.”
And the parent isn’t wrong. Talking often doesn’t work the first, the third, or the even the 10th time. And the reason is directly tied to brain development.
Children cannot and do not process information the way an adult can. Auditory processing is not fully developed until a child is 14 or 15 years old. And even then, if a child has auditory processing delays or Auditory Processing Disorder (APD), they may always struggle with processing auditory commands. According to Susie S. Loraine, MA, CCC-SLP, the term auditory processing refers to how the brain perceives and interprets sound information. Several skills determine auditory processing ability—or listening success. They develop in a general four-step hierarchy, but all work together and are essential for daily listening.
Without this understanding, discipline can easily become revenge because parents will then view their child’s misdeeds as a personal slight. Instead of teaching them to do better, parents now want to show them the consequences of not doing better. This is why it's imperative for parents to discern between discipline and revenge to maintain healthy relationships with their children.
5 WAYS TO DISTINGUISH BETWEEN PARENTAL GUIDANCE AND RETALIATION:
Understanding The Intent
Discipline is rooted in love and concern for the child's well-being. It focuses on teaching lessons and helping children understand the consequences of their actions. Conversely, revenge-driven actions stem from a desire to inflict pain or punishment as payback for perceived slights or disobedience. Parents should reflect on their motives before taking disciplinary actions. Ask yourself whether your intention is to help your child learn or to make them suffer for upsetting you.
Example: If a child accidentally breaks a valuable item, a disciplinary response would involve discussing the importance of being careful and working with the child to come up with a way to replace or fix what they’ve broken. On the other hand, a vengeful reaction might involve yelling, harsh punishment, or bringing up past mistakes to intensify guilt.
Maintaining Emotional Regulation
Effective discipline requires parents to remain calm and composed, even in challenging situations. It's natural to feel upset or frustrated when children misbehave, but responding with anger or resentment can escalate the situation and blur the line between discipline and revenge. Before addressing the issue, take a moment to breathe and collect your thoughts.
Example: If a child cannot follow instructions, a disciplined response would involve calmly explaining why their cooperation is necessary in working with the child to accomplish the goal. Conversely, a retaliatory response might involve shouting, name-calling, or resorting to physical punishment out of anger.
Promoting Growth and Learning
Discipline should always aim to promote growth and learning. It involves guiding children toward making better choices and understanding the impact of their actions on themselves and others. Effective discipline strategies include positive reinforcement, setting clear expectations, and providing opportunities for reflection and growth.
Example: If a child repeatedly forgets to complete their chores, a disciplinary approach would involve discussing the importance of responsibility and finding solutions together, such as creating a chore chart or setting reminders with Siri or Alexa. In contrast, a revenge-driven response might involve imposing overly harsh punishments or belittling the child, which can undermine their self-esteem and hinder their ability to learn from their mistakes.
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Building Trust and Communication
Trust and open communication are essential components of a healthy parent-child relationship. Discipline should strengthen this bond by fostering trust and encouraging children to confide in their parents without fear of judgment or retaliation. When children feel safe and supported, they're more likely to accept discipline as a form of guidance rather than punishment.
Example: If a child admits to breaking a rule or making a mistake, a disciplined response would involve listening to their perspective, discussing the consequences of their actions, and working together to find a solution. Conversely, a retaliatory response might involve accusations, blame, or shutting down communication, which can erode trust and damage the parent-child relationship.
Seeking Professional Guidance
Parenting is a learning journey, and, disciplining children is a delicate balance between guiding them toward responsible behavior and nurturing their growth. By understanding the intent behind our actions, maintaining emotional regulation, promoting growth and learning, building trust and communication, and seeking professional guidance when needed, as parents we can help our children built on love, respect, and understanding.
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