Find Your Soulmate With These Tips From Love Expert Diann Valentine
Let's face it, this generation could stand to learn a thing or two about real love, genuine commitment, and creating a solid foundation with someone.
While we're busy swiping right and left and engaging in this month's latest situationship, we rarely take the time to create authentic, lasting bonds with one another (Quite frankly that is rarely encouraged in our society anyway). Luckily for us, love expert, wedding planner, and author, Diann Valentine is here to help us maneuver through our chaos-filled dating lives and find the love we all desperately deserve. With her platform, she aims to show everyone still looking for genuine love that it is indeed still out there - you just have to be willing to do the work, and go the distance for it.
Whether you've seen her dropping knowledge on The Steve Harvey talk show, planning the weddings of Nas, Usher, or Toni Braxton (just to name a few of her famous clientele), or even hosting her new Bravo series To Rome For Love, love expert Diann Valentine is full of all the relationship gems you need to know.
From acknowledging the red flags early on in relationships, being realistic with your standards or how we view sex and dating, Valentine shows us a realistic approach in dating and finding love. But out of all the great love advice she shared, she continues to emphasize the importance of self-love and how the relationship with one's self, is still the most important.
"I believe that in order to find the love that we so desire, we have to make sure that we are doing the self-work on ourselves. Being the best version of ourselves is what is going to attract the love you want and need in your life"
Doing the work on yourself is the key to ultimately becoming the best version of yourself, which can lead to your lasting love.
In her new book Going The Distance For Love, Valentine breaks down 22 tips on how we should handle our own internal issues and be open to finding love wherever it may be, because it is in fact possible. Although it may not seem like it, in a world full of too many f*ckboys and too many commitment phobes, Valentine proves to us all that real love is still out there, we just have to be patient, be open and be willing to go the distance for it. Here's what else Valentine had to say.
What would you say to the women who have completely given up on love?
Never, ever, ever give up on love. It is the natural order of existence for human beings to be in relationship with one another. We were all conceived in love, and we all have an innate desire to love and be loved. It is the most beautiful gift you will ever receive, but it is important that you are ready to receive it when it shows up.
What should we be looking for in a potential life partner?
I think that checklists are important, but it is equally important to make sure that your checklist includes character requirements and not so much about someone's physicality. It should be easy to love someone who loves you and treats you well.
What are some red flags women should be aware of while dating?
(1) Men that do not keep their word and have too many broken agreements. (2) Previous spouses, girlfriends, and children's mothers that are still in his life but you cannot meet them. (3) If he has too many women that he refers to as his "little sister" but you have not met any of them. (4) If everyone knows that the man you are seeing is a hoe. In most cases, you cannot rehab a hoe into a husband.
"In most cases, you cannot rehab a hoe into a husband."
How can women "do better" when it comes to finding and maintaining healthy relationships?
The best way to find and keep love is to make sure you are constantly working to be your best self. When you are a woman that is confident and full of self-love, has found balance between career and a personal life, and has learned how to LIVE this life, she is naturally going to attract those qualities back into her life. Bad relationships are often a mirror reflection of our own shortcomings.
What should women focus on during their single years?
(1) Confronting past hurt and pain so that they can leave their baggage in the past where it belongs. Oh, and we all have baggage, just various versions of it. (2) Learning to love yourself and knowing that you cannot make anyone else happy if you are unhappy with who you are so if you don't like something change it. (3) Setting and reaching career and personal goals. An established woman is not looking for someone to take care of her. Rather, she is looking for someone to complement her life.
"An established woman is not looking for someone to take care of her. Rather, she is looking for someone to complement her life."
Is love really worth fighting for or should it come easy if it's real love?
This is a great question and I am asked this all the time. I do not believe that love is hard and requires that we fight for it. I once believed this until I started studying healthy, loving relationships and found my own. Love is supposed to be easy [because] when you have been waiting for something all of your life and it shows up, why should you have to fight for it? We only fight when there is an imbalance in the mutual desire for love. My husband is everything I dreamed my husband would be and more, and I love him more and more as each day passes. He is my best friend and loving him is the easiest thing in my life.
What's your advice for divorced women hoping to find love again?
(1) Heal your past hurt and pain and often guilt from your divorce. (2) Get back out in the dating scene as quickly as you can. Things may have changed a bit since you last dated but it's just like riding a bike and it will all come back to you. You might be older but so are the men that you will be dating. (3) Do not hold every new man you meet responsible for the damage that was caused my your ex-husband.
How should single mothers approach the dating scene?
Carefully. I do think that younger children adjust faster to new people in their lives but cautiously introduce them to a new love interest. Establish boundaries that will protect your child and make sure that anyone that you are dating is clear about those boundaries upfront. Do not expect any new man to be an instant stepfather to your child.
Do you believe in soulmates?
Yes. Absolutely. I also believe that you might have more than one. There is a time and a season for everything in this life and God may send you someone different for a new season in your life. Now, I am not saying that we all have a dozen soulmates, but it may be possible that some of us have more than one.
"There is a time and a season for everything in this life and God may send you someone different for a new season in your life."
How should women heal and eventually love again after heartache?
Confront your issues head on. Stop being in denial that you even have any issues in the first place. Seek counseling. Move on...
How do you know when you've found your life partner?
Also a great question. I am not a big fan of judging by your feelings because your heart can deceive you. I think it is important to know what are the qualities you were looking for in a life partner so that when you meet someone, you will not judge the fate of your future with them based on how much he makes your liver quiver.
For more advice on love, check out Diann's book Going The Distance For Love. And be sure to give her a follow on Instagram.
If you have any questions that you'd like to have Diann answer, email them to submissions@xonecole.com. Your question could be answered in an upcoming #AskDV feature and answered by the love expert herself!
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Ashley McDonough is a writer and producer in New York City. When she's not busy writing or producing culturally conscious content, she is patiently waiting for Oprah and Stedman to adopt her. Keep up with her journey via social @Ashley_Milani or check out her work on www.AshleyMcDonough.org.
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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ItGirl 100: Get To Know Some Of The Most Inspiring And Empowering Women On Our List
The ItGirl 100 List, in partnership with Hyundai, is a celebration of 100 Black women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table.
We often see lists featuring amazing women who are seasoned in this thing called life, and our ItGirl 100 List gives flowers to the people they’ve passed the torch to: young millennial and Gen Z women who are innovating and disrupting in today’s world of advancement.
xoNecole has partnered with Hyundai for its inaugural ItGirl 100 List to give these women their flowers today. It’s a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who have built their own tables, launched new businesses, and redefined what it truly means to be blessed, booked, and busy.
Here’s a snapshot of fun facts from a few of the women listed on the ItGirl 100, representing the East, West, Midwest, and South:
EAST
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DJ 9AM: DJ & Curator
Representing: Brooklyn
Ultimate ItGirl Song: "On My Mama" by Victoria Monét
Favorite OG It Girl: Nia Long
Zodiac Big Three: Cancer Sun, Taurus Moon, Pisces Rising
Favoring open-format, multi-genre mixes, this DJ has created a winning reputation for rocking a crowd with seamless transitions and selections, always representing Southwest musical and cultural influences.
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Tiffany James, Founder, Modern BLK Girl
Representing:Brooklyn
Ultimate ItGirl Song: "Lucky Girl" by Carlina
Favorite OG It Girl:Naomi Campbell
Zodiac Big Three: Sagittarius Sun, Leo Moon, Virgo Rising
Modern BLK Girl is one of the leading investment groups among women of color, and the founder serves as an avid investor, community builder, and advocate. Tiffany James is also a mentor, utilizing her unique combination of financial and fashion expertise.
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Kat Mateo, Casting Director
Representing: New Jersey
Ultimate ItGirl Song: "Princess Going Digital" by Amaarae
Favorite OG It Girl: Kelis, Eve, Lil Kim
Zodiac Big Three: Aries Sun, Cancer Moon, Cancer Rising
Thriving as a casting director and stylist, Kat Mateo offers a unique point of view that has shaped New York Fashion Week shows, ad campaigns, and editorials. She has also been a major contributor to cultural conversations related to fashion and inclusivity.
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Denise Stephanie Hewitt, Photographer
Representing: Brooklyn
Ultimate ItGirl Song: "Experience" by Victoria Monét
Favorite OG It Girl: Hannah Montana
Zodiac Big Three: Taurus Sun, Aquarius Moon, Aquarius Rising
This Gordon Parks Foundation scholar is a full-time student who has been working to expand her freelance career in photography. Denise is also been featured among Essence'sinaugural list of "Top 10 Creators Under 30," for her unique aesthetics and perceptions through her art.
WEST
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Nayamka Roberts-Smith, Aesthetician
Representing: Los Angeles
Ultimate ItGirl Song: "Tomorrow 2" by GloRilla & Cardi B
Favorite OG It Girl: Meagan Good
Zodiac Big Three: Sagittarius Sun, Leo Moon, Capricorn Rising
Nayamka Roberts-Smith is an award-winning professional in the skincare industry and serves as an educator, offering knowledge on beauty culture. She also is a well-sought-after speaker on beauty and women’s issues, with a following of more than 1 million on social.
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Desiree L. Talley, Esq., Vice President, Legal & Business Affairs, Revolt TV
Representing: Los Angeles
Ultimate ItGirl Song: "Nice" by The Carters
Favorite OG It Girl: Issa Rae
Zodiac Big Three: Cancer Sun, Scorpio Moon, Cancer Rising
An attorney and storyteller, Desiree L. Talley meshes relatability with her legal smarts for the culture. She advocates for cultural advancement and societal change through her POPLAW Podcast while balancing her executive duties at Revolt TV.
Marley Rae
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Marley Rae, Organizer, WalkGood
Representing: Los Angeles
Ultimate ItGirl Song: "Nice For What" by Drake
Favorite OG It Girl: Mariah Carey
Zodiac Big Three: Capricorn Sun, Taurus Moon, Leo Rising
Marley Rae is a Nike Athlete, certified yoga instructor, COO, and Director of Health and Wellness for WalkGood LA, a family-founded non-profit organization. She is dedicated to fostering understanding and care in local and global communities.
MIDWEST
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Shawnee Dez
Representing: Chicago
Ultimate ItGirl Song: "FreeBody Freestyle" by Shawnee Dez
Favorite OG It Girl: Toni Morrison
Zodiac Big Three: Cancer Sun, Aquarius Moon, Cancer Rising
Shawnee Dez is an artist who's all about captivating her audience through encouragement and empowerment. Her music features fluid harmonic layering, live instrumentation fused with digital production, and her unique multi-talented voice in an alto melodic tone.
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Bianca Pastel, Visual Artist
Representing: Chicago
Ultimate ItGirl Song: Anything by Whitney Houston
Favorite OG It Girl: Grace Jones
Zodiac Big Three: Taurus Sun, Leo Moon, Sagittarius Rising
Bianca Pastel's artistic portfolio includes fine art, illustrations, and animation, and she's worked with clients including Disney Pixar, and the NFL, to name a few. Her focus is "empowering the experience of being a Black child and dealing with mental health issues."
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Donyale Walton, Founder, Hoop Mobb
Representing: Detroit
Ultimate ItGirl Song: "Yeah I Said It" by Rihanna
Favorite OG It Girl: Aaliyah
Zodiac Big Three: Virgo Sun, Libra Moon, Capricorn Rising
Donyale Walton's brand Hoop Mobb, celebrates the Black and Brown fashion and cultural impact and presence of hoop earrings. It's grown to earn more than seven figures in annual revenue and a nationwide community of loyal consumers.
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Ticara Devone, Content Creator
Representing: Chicago
Ultimate ItGirl Song: "She's a Bitch" by Missy Elliott
Favorite OG It Girl: Ananda Lewis
The Zodiac Big Three: Libra Sun, Taurus Moon, Virgo Rising
A trusted sneaker enthusiast and content creator, Ticara Devone uses dynamic storytelling to hold space for others with a passion for sneakers. A published writer, she’s worked with brands including Nike and Footlocker and inspires us all by ensuring women are vocal and seen in the multi-billion dollar shoe space.
SOUTH
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AllyiahsFace, Content Creator
Representing: Atlanta
Ultimate ItGirl Song: "Go Off" Doja Cat
Favorite OG It Girl: Gabrielle Union and Halle Berry
Zodiac Big Three: Gemini Sun, Leo Moon, Scorpio Rising
AllyiahsFace's YouTube channel has more than 830,000 subscribers, and she's been hitting the ground running since 2015. Her content creation, which centers on beauty, fashion, and lifestyle, has led to a lucrative career and drawn a close-knit social and real-life community to view and be inspired.
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Jaycina, Executive Director, Tender
Representing: Atlanta
Ultimate ItGirl Song: "All I Got" by Amel Larrieux
Favorite OG It Girl:Tracee Ellis Ross
Zodiac Big Three: Leo Sun, Sagittarius Moon, Sagittarius Rising
Jaycina is a signed model with a nonprofit that works to provide support and community for single mothers in Atlanta. She's also appeared in campaigns for brands including Fenty and GAP as well as features in all your favorite magazines and on billboards across the country.
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Asha Christian, Founder, Coily App
Representing: Atlanta
Ultimate ItGirl Song: "It's My Life" by Mariah Carey
Favorite OG It Girl: Toni Childs (Girlfriends)
Zodiac Big Three: Sagittarius Sun, Leo Moon, Leo Rising
Asha Christian created Coily to provide beauty recommendations utilizing social data. It offers a more personalized, AI-driven experience for users and part of her mission is to provide solutions related to diversity and put the focus back on the consumer. Meshing tech and culture, Christian is innovating with options that exemplify the Black girl magic needed in tech.
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