The Other Side Of Natural Hair That's Not Talked About Nearly Enough
Since the natural hair movement dashed on the scene, WOC everywhere stood in reclamation of their natural tresses. Learning to care for and love natural hair became a pilgrimage to embracing natural beauty in a society where that reflection is often not mirrored in mainstream culture.
Along the way, a glorified breakdown of hair texture became an encyclopedia for figuring out where your curl pattern fit. Like anything in Western society, the idea of what type of hair texture was more favorable than others started great debates. Though diversity in natural hair is more represented in today's social media climate, there still seems to be a quieted trend of underrepresenting the natural hair characteristics that are "least favorable" by collective admission and vocalized acknowledgement of the internalized pain this causes.
Today, as the natural hair movement has spread into blogging and Instagram, there is still a happy-go-lucky energy that ignores the lesser represented hair types and characteristics.
My personal testimony began as the natural hair movement exploded in our culture. YouTube gurus popped up left and right. Unfortunately, the forerunners of this movement had hair that looked unbelievably easy to manage. Finger detangling, washing hair without separating it in quadrants, and doing the quick wash and go with defined curls that seem cemented in time, are not things that every woman with natural hair can easily do. Yet, for a long while, that was the only type of hair texture you would see online.
I did not see many reflections of mixed 4B/4C, thin, coily, kinky, or Z patterned hair, and the process one would go through to wash, deep condition, and style. When I would happen to see a more fitting hair type tutorial, it would always be about how to stretch the hair and how to define a curl. The videos that I needed to see of women with thin strands and low volume seemed nonexistent.
I personally remember stressing over where the videos were of women with hair like mine. I used to think that I wouldn't see any of those videos because nobody wants this hair. I knew that my hair couldn't and wouldn't do the things that the softer, looser, longer, and curlier textured hair types could. For a long time, I felt left out and lost as I learned how to care for my own natural hair, after years of succumbing to the "creamy crack".
I knew I am not the only one feeling slighted by what the natural hair movement has become, so I reached out to some other women who have a lot to say.
*Responses have been edited and condensed for clarity.
Kayla Williams @KayJohnae
Kayla is a wardrobe stylist hailing from New Jersey, and she recently did the big chop for the second time.
"In 2014, I wanted to go natural. I did the big chop. I felt like my hair wasn't as pretty as the natural girls on social media, or my friends. I wore my hair out for a short time, and I put braids in and wore other protective styles. In 2017, I cut my hair back down. I went as low as a pixie cut this time and then I relaxed it. I wore my relaxed hair proud and boldly because I felt like it looked better than my natural short coily cut.
"Two weeks ago, I decided to embrace my natural hair fully this time and not backpedal. I cut the perm out of my hair after letting it grow out for five months. I'm now back down to my short coily cut. I feel completely naked when I wear my short hair, I can't hide under the perms, wigs or braids anymore. I've decided to embrace my hair and I finally understand that I'll never be the natural girl with the big curly fro."
Ayana Hall @yan_niii
Ayana is a model from New York City, and she broke down why the natural hair movement is misleading.
"In all honesty, we [in the 4b to Z patterned community] are so underrepresented and it's honestly misleading to those looking to join the natural hair movement. These images of looser textures have somehow become the face of our movement, when I know I never casted my vote!
"My beef is not with women with these textures, but with those spreading the propaganda and appeasing to this European standard of Black beauty. It's continuously holding us back from seeking and flourishing in self-love.
"Think about it, young black girls who are very impressionable see these images and still think that this is what it means to be natural, and this is the "look" I must have to be "presentable" and socially acceptable with my natural hair. Sound familiar? It definitely should, because this is the same idea and rhetoric behind relaxers; aside from the ignorant rhetoric about natural hair maintenance.
"It honestly kills me that people think being natural is just about hair! It's more than that! It's about embracing your true self! Appreciating what God has given you! Accepting your honest self and vowing to never let that truth slip away! This movement is about identity and standing firm in that beauty comes in all shapes, sizes, and TEXTURES! If we're gonna keep momentum going, it's time to be inclusive of all textures! From loose to kinky, soft to coarse, curls to waves, kinks to coils!
"My journey hasn't been easy and honestly, I'm still on it! You know the Black woman is one of the most disadvantaged groups in the world. Now tag on dark skin or 'nappy headed' and look, we've got more setbacks. With that being said, if we're going to do this, and if we're going to be in this, let's do it together and get it right! From my naps to yours."
Coral Foxworth @FXWRK
Coral Foxworth aka FXWRK, is an up-and-coming underground electronic producer and DJ from Brooklyn, NY. She had some profound truths to share about black hair and identity.
"I have 4C hair. But not the thick, long, dense kind. Not the 4C that does enormous puffs or juicy twist outs that hang and shine. Mine is short. Naturally thin. Highly porous and cottony. No curls unless I rake gel through it, or put rollers in. Too thin to hang, shrinks up and tangles badly when loose, but starts to lock if I leave it bound too long. It breaks so easily, not because it's unhealthy... it's just naturally fragile and knotty.
"I've been natural since 2010, and my hair is six inches long. It doesn't grow fast and never has.
"It's genetic. Coming home and falling asleep with loose hair or without a scarf on even ONCE can mean noticeable, irreversible damage from breakage...or tangling so bad I'm forced to spend four hours undoing it strand by strand. Most people without this hair type really don't understand.
"The natural hair movement initially gave me the strength to transition. It was about self-love and reclaiming the glory of something I'd been conditioned to hate. A few years into it, I started to feel the movement had changed a lot. It had become extremely commercialized and 'curl' focused. I found myself looking at famous YouTubers and bloggers with type 3 curls, and long, thick type 4 hair. It seriously seemed like NO popular vloggers had hair like mine. I won't lie; I got sucked in, and found myself coveting other woman's tresses, wondering if I used this cream or that method, that I could get their look and manageability.
"I would cringe with envy when I saw 'hair growth' videos celebrating six inches in one year, or styling tutorials for the many looks I can never achieve. Millions of girls have my kind of 4C. I hope the 'movement' changes to reflect our beauty back to us. Now I look for low manipulation YouTubers and ponder freeform locs because I'm tired of feeling like I HAVE to constantly soften, stretch, detangle and baby this stuff on my scalp.
"Is it really necessary, or is this a social construction the black community hasn't confronted yet? Is our hair really so unkempt in its truly natural shrunk state? Are breakage and knots inherently bad? Can we love our hair as is and not use styling as a way to avoid inner work?"
Featured image via Coral Foxworth
Originally published on July 5, 2018
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Fontaine Felisha Foxworth is a writer and creative entrepreneur from Brooklyn New York. She is currently on the West Coast working on creating a TV Pilot called "Finding Fontaine", that details the nomadic journey of her life so far. Keep up with her shenanigans @famoustaine on IG.
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
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When discussing the topic of raising children, discipline is often the first thing that comes to mind. Children need discipline. Full stop. But what is discipline? And how do we draw the line between discipline and revenge?
The origin of the word "discipline" can be traced back to the Latin word "disciplina," which means "instruction" or "teaching." Over time, however, discipline has come to be synonymous with punishment, with parents relying on shame, fear, and/or physical pain to curb undesirable behavior.
Teaching takes time, so nipping it in the bud in whatever fashion parents deem necessary (within reason) has become the norm. But is this what’s best for children? And when does it become less about curbing undesirable behavior and more about getting our licks back for offenses we feel our children should know better to do?
In my work as a parenting coach, I’ve often heard parents say, “I asked him nicely three times before spanking him. He didn’t stop doing it until I did, so clearly talking doesn’t work.”
And the parent isn’t wrong. Talking often doesn’t work the first, the third, or the even the 10th time. And the reason is directly tied to brain development.
Children cannot and do not process information the way an adult can. Auditory processing is not fully developed until a child is 14 or 15 years old. And even then, if a child has auditory processing delays or Auditory Processing Disorder (APD), they may always struggle with processing auditory commands. According to Susie S. Loraine, MA, CCC-SLP, the term auditory processing refers to how the brain perceives and interprets sound information. Several skills determine auditory processing ability—or listening success. They develop in a general four-step hierarchy, but all work together and are essential for daily listening.
Without this understanding, discipline can easily become revenge because parents will then view their child’s misdeeds as a personal slight. Instead of teaching them to do better, parents now want to show them the consequences of not doing better. This is why it's imperative for parents to discern between discipline and revenge to maintain healthy relationships with their children.
5 WAYS TO DISTINGUISH BETWEEN PARENTAL GUIDANCE AND RETALIATION:Â Â
​Understanding The Intent
Discipline is rooted in love and concern for the child's well-being. It focuses on teaching lessons and helping children understand the consequences of their actions. Conversely, revenge-driven actions stem from a desire to inflict pain or punishment as payback for perceived slights or disobedience. Parents should reflect on their motives before taking disciplinary actions. Ask yourself whether your intention is to help your child learn or to make them suffer for upsetting you.
Example: If a child accidentally breaks a valuable item, a disciplinary response would involve discussing the importance of being careful and working with the child to come up with a way to replace or fix what they’ve broken. On the other hand, a vengeful reaction might involve yelling, harsh punishment, or bringing up past mistakes to intensify guilt.
​Maintaining Emotional Regulation
Effective discipline requires parents to remain calm and composed, even in challenging situations. It's natural to feel upset or frustrated when children misbehave, but responding with anger or resentment can escalate the situation and blur the line between discipline and revenge. Before addressing the issue, take a moment to breathe and collect your thoughts.
Example: If a child cannot follow instructions, a disciplined response would involve calmly explaining why their cooperation is necessary in working with the child to accomplish the goal. Conversely, a retaliatory response might involve shouting, name-calling, or resorting to physical punishment out of anger.
​Promoting Growth and Learning
Discipline should always aim to promote growth and learning. It involves guiding children toward making better choices and understanding the impact of their actions on themselves and others. Effective discipline strategies include positive reinforcement, setting clear expectations, and providing opportunities for reflection and growth.
Example: If a child repeatedly forgets to complete their chores, a disciplinary approach would involve discussing the importance of responsibility and finding solutions together, such as creating a chore chart or setting reminders with Siri or Alexa. In contrast, a revenge-driven response might involve imposing overly harsh punishments or belittling the child, which can undermine their self-esteem and hinder their ability to learn from their mistakes.
Momo Productions/Getty
Building Trust and Communication
Trust and open communication are essential components of a healthy parent-child relationship. Discipline should strengthen this bond by fostering trust and encouraging children to confide in their parents without fear of judgment or retaliation. When children feel safe and supported, they're more likely to accept discipline as a form of guidance rather than punishment.
Example: If a child admits to breaking a rule or making a mistake, a disciplined response would involve listening to their perspective, discussing the consequences of their actions, and working together to find a solution. Conversely, a retaliatory response might involve accusations, blame, or shutting down communication, which can erode trust and damage the parent-child relationship.
Seeking Professional Guidance
Parenting is a learning journey, and, disciplining children is a delicate balance between guiding them toward responsible behavior and nurturing their growth. By understanding the intent behind our actions, maintaining emotional regulation, promoting growth and learning, building trust and communication, and seeking professional guidance when needed, as parents we can help our children built on love, respect, and understanding.
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Featured image by Courtney Hale/Getty Images