Keri Hilson Has A Word For Anyone Who Thinks She Should Lower Her Dating Standards
According to an old Italian proverb: perfect is the enemy of the good, and a diamond with a flaw is better than a pebble without. As a single woman in her mid-twenties, I contemplate the truth in those theories when it comes to my dating life.
In romance, I truly believe that a relationship shouldn't equal compromise, but that may very well be the reason that I am still a single woman in my twenties (with no prospects). I'm at a point where I wonder if checking off all of my ideological boxes on my romantic checklist are as important as having a man that cares about me. What if I stopped looking for Mr. Right and started getting comfortable with the idea of "Mr. Right-For-Now"? Sure, it's great that I have high standards but are my expectations keeping me from getting a man?
I'm reminded of the age-old question, should a woman settle for a man that doesn't meet her standards? Keri Hilson was confronted with the same question recently when she posted this caption on Instagram:
"Sure I'd like to be married someday—but not enough to do it with the wrong person. So if you EVA see 'Keri' walk down that aisle, even if I'm old & grey…you can rest assured—I didn't settle."
As kids, we're innocent enough to believe that one day, "the one" will sweep us off our feet and carry us off into the sunset. As adults, we understand that the one can easily turn into "the three" after a few unfortunate and failed attempts at finding love. Surely we'd all enjoy walking down the aisle with the man of our dreams, but are these projections in today's millennial-centric world unrealistic?
Keri says "nah", and she had a word for a commenter who suggested that her expectations for romance may be a little too high. She replied:
"To have a man compliment my life, who is equally yoked in the things that MATTER like loyalty, virtue, depth, compassion, and love & respect for God, someone who understands healthy relational boundaries & pushed me to be my best self while supporting each other's dreams? Someone who truly loves himself & has dissolved his own ego? Someone who has evolved from his lower self & constantly evolving? Someone who has learned his lessons & strives to be a great human being? Someone who holds my heart carefully & treats me well? Who values & honors love? Someone who is wide enough to lead me? Nah. And I don't think God puts anything our hearts that we are not capable of having."
Do I believe that the perfect man is going to ride in on his white horse and carry me off into the sunset? No. Do I think that I deserve a man who can meet my needs emotionally, sexually, spirtiually, and physically? Hell yes. And I'm not settling down until I find the man that can do exactly that.
Keri had a point when it comes to millennial dating. As women, we sometimes choose to suffer with a partner that's inadequate out of the sheer fear of ending up alone. Instead of settling down with a man that fits our standards, we settle for a man that is in violation of all of our non-negotiables.
And all because, "I love you."
When I discovered that self-love was more important than all the I love you's in the world, my life opened and my settling stopped. Self-love means not denying yourself everything you know you deserve, including the man of your dreams.
I don't believe in "Mr. Right", but what I have found is that the love you find in Mr. Right-For-Now will never be enough to sustain you.
Featured image by Prince Williams/WireImage
Taylor "Pretty" Honore is a spiritually centered and equally provocative rapper from Baton Rouge, Louisiana with a love for people and storytelling. You can probably find me planting herbs in your local community garden, blasting "Back That Thang Up" from my mini speaker. Let's get to know each other: @prettyhonore.
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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When discussing the topic of raising children, discipline is often the first thing that comes to mind. Children need discipline. Full stop. But what is discipline? And how do we draw the line between discipline and revenge?
The origin of the word "discipline" can be traced back to the Latin word "disciplina," which means "instruction" or "teaching." Over time, however, discipline has come to be synonymous with punishment, with parents relying on shame, fear, and/or physical pain to curb undesirable behavior.
Teaching takes time, so nipping it in the bud in whatever fashion parents deem necessary (within reason) has become the norm. But is this what’s best for children? And when does it become less about curbing undesirable behavior and more about getting our licks back for offenses we feel our children should know better to do?
In my work as a parenting coach, I’ve often heard parents say, “I asked him nicely three times before spanking him. He didn’t stop doing it until I did, so clearly talking doesn’t work.”
And the parent isn’t wrong. Talking often doesn’t work the first, the third, or the even the 10th time. And the reason is directly tied to brain development.
Children cannot and do not process information the way an adult can. Auditory processing is not fully developed until a child is 14 or 15 years old. And even then, if a child has auditory processing delays or Auditory Processing Disorder (APD), they may always struggle with processing auditory commands. According to Susie S. Loraine, MA, CCC-SLP, the term auditory processing refers to how the brain perceives and interprets sound information. Several skills determine auditory processing ability—or listening success. They develop in a general four-step hierarchy, but all work together and are essential for daily listening.
Without this understanding, discipline can easily become revenge because parents will then view their child’s misdeeds as a personal slight. Instead of teaching them to do better, parents now want to show them the consequences of not doing better. This is why it's imperative for parents to discern between discipline and revenge to maintain healthy relationships with their children.
5 WAYS TO DISTINGUISH BETWEEN PARENTAL GUIDANCE AND RETALIATION:
Understanding The Intent
Discipline is rooted in love and concern for the child's well-being. It focuses on teaching lessons and helping children understand the consequences of their actions. Conversely, revenge-driven actions stem from a desire to inflict pain or punishment as payback for perceived slights or disobedience. Parents should reflect on their motives before taking disciplinary actions. Ask yourself whether your intention is to help your child learn or to make them suffer for upsetting you.
Example: If a child accidentally breaks a valuable item, a disciplinary response would involve discussing the importance of being careful and working with the child to come up with a way to replace or fix what they’ve broken. On the other hand, a vengeful reaction might involve yelling, harsh punishment, or bringing up past mistakes to intensify guilt.
Maintaining Emotional Regulation
Effective discipline requires parents to remain calm and composed, even in challenging situations. It's natural to feel upset or frustrated when children misbehave, but responding with anger or resentment can escalate the situation and blur the line between discipline and revenge. Before addressing the issue, take a moment to breathe and collect your thoughts.
Example: If a child cannot follow instructions, a disciplined response would involve calmly explaining why their cooperation is necessary in working with the child to accomplish the goal. Conversely, a retaliatory response might involve shouting, name-calling, or resorting to physical punishment out of anger.
Promoting Growth and Learning
Discipline should always aim to promote growth and learning. It involves guiding children toward making better choices and understanding the impact of their actions on themselves and others. Effective discipline strategies include positive reinforcement, setting clear expectations, and providing opportunities for reflection and growth.
Example: If a child repeatedly forgets to complete their chores, a disciplinary approach would involve discussing the importance of responsibility and finding solutions together, such as creating a chore chart or setting reminders with Siri or Alexa. In contrast, a revenge-driven response might involve imposing overly harsh punishments or belittling the child, which can undermine their self-esteem and hinder their ability to learn from their mistakes.
Momo Productions/Getty
Building Trust and Communication
Trust and open communication are essential components of a healthy parent-child relationship. Discipline should strengthen this bond by fostering trust and encouraging children to confide in their parents without fear of judgment or retaliation. When children feel safe and supported, they're more likely to accept discipline as a form of guidance rather than punishment.
Example: If a child admits to breaking a rule or making a mistake, a disciplined response would involve listening to their perspective, discussing the consequences of their actions, and working together to find a solution. Conversely, a retaliatory response might involve accusations, blame, or shutting down communication, which can erode trust and damage the parent-child relationship.
Seeking Professional Guidance
Parenting is a learning journey, and, disciplining children is a delicate balance between guiding them toward responsible behavior and nurturing their growth. By understanding the intent behind our actions, maintaining emotional regulation, promoting growth and learning, building trust and communication, and seeking professional guidance when needed, as parents we can help our children built on love, respect, and understanding.
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Featured image by Courtney Hale/Getty Images